Mom's been having an affair, do I tell dad?

[Anonymous]

I think my life is a mess at this moment. I (16 F) caught my mom texting things to her male friend from work. She was shocked and tried turning off the company. It turned into an argument and she started crying, telling me to don't tell dad, to cover up for her, to lie for her. She's been having an affair and isn't planning to stop. Confirmed.

It's been a week and I can't keep up with it. I'm their only child and also close to dad. He's already noticing that my mother and I are having arguments ever since.

I feel that if I continue covering up for her and he finds out, then I can possibly lose a lot. I got reminded of a similar story that happened many years ago. The girl was my age too (also an only child like me) and covered for the mother's affair. Then the father divorces and disowns his child after she turns 18 and never speaks to her again and she's been trying to reconnect with him since. I don't want that to happen to me. What do I do? Tell on her?

Updates

10 mo

I feel trapped. I love my mother too but dad doesn't deserve that, no one does.

[Anonymous]

Realize that you're very lucky for what you have. Not only have your past 16 years been well, but even parents splitting isn't the worst thing, definitely not the most abusive thing toward you.

Get your mom to admit it. Does she even love your dad? Especially if she doesn't plan on stopping, then why not get together with that other man and live with him without hiding? If she likes the thrill of doing something forbidden, there are other ways to scratch that itch. Look how much pain it's causing for you, just for the sake of her little temporary pleasures that are already outweighed by the sorrow it caused to herself?

That's one of the reasons I can be grateful for the pain I endured. Now if I get the urge to cheat, I would fucking say it, and if the partner doesn't permit, we will split. Lying and cheating is fucking immoral, let alone the damage it does to the child.

What a pussy is your mom. Can't admit to her own actions? Although you didn't specify what your dad is like, is she disgusted by your dad? Is he violent? Probably neither of them. But your mom is also a pussy if her vivid plan is to continue screwing another guy while telling her husband that she isn't.

[Opinion Owner]

If you are looking for a good guy for yourself, he will judge you for your decision now.

If you can guarantee that your parents will eventually split, then you know the right move.

I would rather date a girl who stayed with her dad because the mom cheated and the girl is truthful. Than a girl who is loved by her mom and hated by her dad because she supports lying and cheating.

Though this doesn't at all mean you will be good at cheating, it does mean that you're not totally obsessed with telling the truth. And someone who is obsessed with telling the truth no matter how painful is really attractive to those who never plan to cheat. Being on your dad's side will raise your value in the eyes of traditional guys.

[Asker]

No, she's not in love with my dad and hasn't been for the longest. Well my parents weren't too affectionate with each other for a while but I didn't think mom would cheat. Apparently her plan was to leave my father after I turn 18 and live with the guy. My dad was never a violent man and he never deserved this. She was the normal guy that tried the best for the family.
She didn't go into too much detail of why exactly she cheated. She told me she loves the other man. I'm so upset at her, throwing it all away for nothing. I can't stand it anymore. And yes it's definitely likely they will split. She doesn't even love dad anymore.

[Opinion Owner]

There is a real benefit to this thing known as gratitude journal and all. Feel as much grief as you need to for now, but when you think you had enough, focus on things to be grateful for. Get fear out of your life, because I am concerned when people say "my life is a mess."

Whatever she did wrong will bite her, not you, don't allow it to break you down. So proceed to tell her that since you found out before you turned 18, she can split now, and offer her to tell your dad now, or else you will tell him, because the sooner the less pain for everyone.

And while it is understandable that people can fall out of love, doing it behind the back is just evil. She should've started communicating with him since day 1.

[MementoMori777]

I think you should, lying is never the answer, even if it's a hard truth to tell, him finding out himself can make it worse and let's not forget that you mother as flaky as she is, it's possible she might throw you under the bus as well, I believe you stay real with your father and he will return the energy, it's a hard situation tho, that's for a fact, it can all lead to divorce but she already cheated so it all just seems like it will lead that way anyways, just a matter of time

[Asker]

I've been crying today and locked myself in my room. My father is noticing my mood changes and arguments with mom. I love them both but damn, I hate what she's doing to him. I hate how she wants me to continue lying for her.

[MementoMori777]

And it's why I don't think you should feed into it, deep down we both know what the right thing is but sometimes the right thing is extremely hard to accomplish, if I could fix all this for you with a push of a button I would've trust me but unfortunately it doesn't work that way, sorry to hear about your situation.

[provokeesmokee]

Tell him, but make sure you have proof.

And recognize that they may still stay together out of a misguided attempt not to traumatize you.

Be honest it's already traumatized you and make your position clear.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your mother is disgusting. You shouldn't have to be the one to bear this, but unfortunately you are.

It's up to you what you do, but know whatever you decide - there is no going back.

Take care of yourself in this, first and foremost. Make sure you have someplace safe to go to if this makes your parents turn against you - grief can make people act poorly to those they love.

[Asker]

This is a hard position to be in. I've been crying. The lifestyle I was used to having, a happy family will be gone soon when he finds out about it through me. At the same time, it's like I were betraying my mother, throwing her under the bus.
I love them both but hate what she's doing, hate that she's not even really remorseful about her infidelity. She's not going to stop.

[Mynameisbobby]

Wow, what a tough position your mother has put you in. I would tell your dad but also have proof that she is having the affair don't let it be a she said he said thing. You're dad deserves to know. I feel like the fact that your mom put you in this position she really doesn't care about you. I wish you the best and stay strong!

[Spade_01]

You're right to feel the way you're feeling in your update. It's injustice to your dad. You should tell him. Good luck. Be strong 😊

[Asker]

I will but it'll be very hard. Otherwise if he finds out I was covering up for her, that'll likely be another betrayal towards him and our bonding. Why can't I have a normal life? I wish I wasn't in this mess.

[Anonymous]

No, stay out of it.

[Asker]

Yet if dad finds out I covered up for her, I might end up like that girl in the story that got disowned by her dad. That would be terrible.