On July 16 will be exactly 20 years since he died. He would've been my age now; 39.
Even though I've been married for 5 years, have a wonderful husband, our 4 year-old daughter and we're expecting triplets (4 months pregnant now), I've never really stop mourning my first boyfriend's death. I don't cry as much as in the first couple years but still do once in a while or if something triggers me.
As much I really hate to admit it (even f, I'm alive because of him. He intervened, switching places with me and shoving me out of the way as far as he could. The drunk driver was heading towards my direction. That was meant for me. He was briefly alive for just a couple minutes of exchanging our ''I love you'' and then he was gone. The harder part was bringing the news to his parent. That happily married couple had 4 children; 3 daughters and he was their youngest child and only son. I lost contact with them shortly. They distanced themselves, moved somewhere else and changed their number.
I know this was a long time ago by now (though I still visit his grave from time to time) but I can't help it because still get triggered from time to time. Is this normal?
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My condolences for your lost and congrats on your pregnancy.
I too live on memory lane with the ghosts of my past. Even ten plus years later - married to the most amazing woman on Earth, now expecting our second daughter- my thoughts still go back to the people that were in my life. Those that were taken by death and others who moved on by time or my own selfish decisions.
You had a very traumatic experience and it would be unrealistic to believe in a day where you would think about it never again.
They say broken bones ache when the weather changes even long after they have been made whole again. How much more so are emotional wounds and broken hearts? You have a right to feel what you feel, just don't let it define your present reality.
If you need someone to talk to feel free to shoot me a message
Thank you for the kind words. It really hurts that I'm alive and in a good marriage and he's dead. He was 19 and so full of life, never got to accomplish all the goals he wanted such as finishing college, saving money for an engagement ring so he would give it after our college graduation, enroll in the medicine field, become a doctor. All that cut short and all because of me. I was at the wrong place and wrong time.
@JaneDee5
It wasn't your fault
Do you think he would want you to blame yourself?
If I can imagine for one second what he would say, he'll likely want me to be happy. It's just that it's a very hard pill to swallow. He literally saved me (knew he would be killed) but he didn't make it.
His parents were distant to me (I used to get along with them before) and others at the funeral. At the time, I gave them my condolences but they didn't acknowledge me too much other than just nodding their heads and walking away.
@JaneDee5
I imagine that didn't help you
But you can't keep holding the choices of others namely the drunk driver, against you.
I can say it would hurt me greatly if my wife held my sacrifice against herself. My decision to lay my life down for her, is my own.
I would want her to be happy abd live her best.
I imagine your boyfriend would want the same for you
These times of mixed thoughts and blessings are difficult. The memories will always be there.
After all these years, I've felt his parents must've felt I was responsible for the loss of their youngest child and only son. I could see it in their expressions when I gave out my condolences to them long ago at the funeral. They both nodded but walked away quickly and cut contact with me and others.
Then I never heard from them nor saw them ever again. I used to get along with his folks so well. I'll be going to his grave on Sunday. I still visit it sometimes.