Don’t you just hate when people visit after you’ve advised them not to?

[DizzyDesii]

So my boyfriend is off to school in the morning. Its faaaaar away. My friend guy that I mentioned in the other post says he wante to come see me tomorrow since he also has to leave town for some months. I already told him I wanted to maintain distance and not see him especially while still in a relationship because we know deep down there's always been something there. He just won’t listen and claims he just wants to come say hi/bye. I’m going to see my dude on campus in a few weeks and I just don’t want anything interfering with that. I know I have self control and that I’m not gonna cheat if my friend tries to make a move but I’m scared that letting him come over is gonna make me second guess a lot of things about my guy/i. Besides, me and my boyfriend are already debating if we’ll even still be a “we” come next month. Is it wrong to just not answer the door if my friend comes over? I mean I’ve done it to my dad and other fam/friends but I feel bad since I haven’t seen my friend in a while and he too is leaving… #FeelFreeToList

[Oliverlogan263]

Dang, that does sound like a really tricky situation you're in. I can totally understand why you wouldn't want anything messing up what you've got going with your boyfriend, especially since you guys will be long distance soon. That long distance stuff is hard enough as it is without adding other complications. At the same time though, I get that your friend just wants to say goodbye before he leaves town for a few months too. That really sucks that he's not respecting your boundaries when you've already told him you need to focus on your relationship right now. If I was in your shoes, I'd probably try talking to him one more time and be super clear that you can't hang out alone with him at your place or anything like that. Maybe suggest getting coffee or lunch with a group of friends so you can all say your goodbyes together in a more public, low-key setting. That way you still get to see him and say bye without crossing any lines with your boyfriend.

If he still insists on coming over after you clearly told him no multiple times, then I don't think you'd be wrong at all for not answering the door when he shows up. You gave him a fair warning and he's still not respecting your decision, so do what you gotta do to stand your ground. The last thing you need is any awkwardness or temptation getting in the way of your long distance relationship starting off on the right foot. You said you trust yourself not to do anything, but I also totally get why just being alone with this friend could plant seeds of doubt in your mind about things. Overall you've gotta do what feels right for protecting the boundaries in your relationship. This whole situation really sucks, but I hope talking to your friend one more time can resolve it peacefully before things get more complicated. Let me know if any other ideas come up - I'm always down to help brainstorm more options!

[DizzyDesii]

All of my friends live in different states now and he works in a diff state. So thats why he was wanting to say goodbye before going back. A group date isn't an option rn

[nawtee_me]

Meet him at the end of the driveway and don’t let him get out of the car…. See him off and that is it….

[DizzyDesii]

He already left 😩

[nawtee_me]

Text him a pic of you waving bye…

[DizzyDesii]

😂😂😂

[electromagnetic]

I don’t open the door and that’s the honest truth. If I didn’t invite you 100% that door will remain closed. You’ll notice I’m home because you’ll hear my phone ring when you call but bish, I didn’t tell you to come so whyyyyy you at my house?

I can understand the conundrum you’re in but you’ll have to sit and think it through but if at any point you feel it’s going to put your relationship in jeopardy, then maybe having him around isn’t the best idea.

[DizzyDesii]

Lmao thats funny

[IslaTheWitch]

it happened a few times... but I'm not a person to mess with. So, it was the best lesson if they kissed the doorknob and needed to return without meeting me. Most of them are not my friends anymore...

[DizzyDesii]

Yep i let some go too

[ProbablyClueless]

I used to hate it, but then I got a lot more comfortable about putting my foot down with people.

If you don't want to speak with someone, you don't have to speak with them. If you've communicated like an adult to him, and explained that he should not come to your door, he's disrespecting your wishes by showing up.

[DizzyDesii]

I def want to see him. I just dont feel its right to

[ProbablyClueless]

There's nothing wrong with telling someone your boundary and asking them to respect it. If seeing him doesn't feel right at the moment, it's important to say that.

[DizzyDesii]

I did but he feels there no harm in hi/bye. I haven't seen him forever and would want to hug and im trying not to do that

[Joshydavid25]

Well, if he comes over just even more firmly let him know that it's best for y'all not to see each other.. Not let him in or anything just go to the door and let him know how it is.. Or you could just not answer the door, and he would get the message.. LOL

[DizzyDesii]

he's def not coming in

[Joshydavid25]

Exactly.. He needs to get a girlfriend already.. The way you described him it seems easy enough for him.. LOL..

[DizzyDesii]

I almost said “but i wanna be…”
Anyways, no im not gonna root for him to get a girlfriend

[Joshydavid25]

😂😂😂.. SMH Desii.. Get it together..

[SamIam96]

I appreciate the passion he's demonstrating by showing up, but nothing good can come of meeting face-to-face. Text or talk, sure.

It's smart to not answer the door. You've made your wishes clear he has to respect them.

[DizzyDesii]

Yeah

[ShadezMcgee]

I will level with you. You already said you were not answering the door if he comes over. Tell him that if he does that you will end the friendship.

Do not answer that fucking door, Dizzy.

[DizzyDesii]

I haven't seen him in person since he got back from the military or wherever he's been so thats what makes it a struggle.

[ShadezMcgee]

I will say it again. Do not answer the door.

[Paradiseequeen]

Invest in a doorbell camera and tell people you in New York lol speak to them through the camera

[DizzyDesii]

😂 wow people can talk through the cam

[Paradiseequeen]

Yeah I seen so many do that lol it’s an app they use

[TrueConfection]

The last time I tried to ignore an uninvited guest, they banged at my front AND back doors for over 30 minutes before leaving and then they came back again 2 hours later!

[TrueConfection]

Yes to both parts. You need to tell your friend guy that your in a relationship and he needs to respect that. Imagine if your boyfriend had a girl coming to his place to "just say hi/bye"?

[DizzyDesii]

Yea my dad was that guy banging at the windows and doors for an hour lol

[molonski2]

Ohh , I don't know , given all the circumstance you describe with current / past , I'd just let him in , he has made the journey..
See what happens? He is going away anyhow.

[DizzyDesii]

Maybe

[Agape93]

Ohhh yeah. If I tell you not to come and you do anyways, it's a problem

[DizzyDesii]

Forreal tho

[talka20]

no at this point its not bad and even if u do answer the door u can show by your behaviour that ure not happy to see him at all whole time until he leaves

[DizzyDesii]

I haven't seen him in soooo long tho so it’ll be obvious that im happy even if im annoyed

[talka20]

well then dont answer😂💁🏽‍♂️

[DJB72]

Can't say what you should do.

Your guy on the other hand should pummel him six ways from Sunday.

It's a guy thing.

[DizzyDesii]

I wish my guy had the guts. he's bot about confrontation. He won't even standup to his boss and dad

[DJB72]

Those are very different scenarios. A challenge to employers or parents can endanger a sense of stability. Someone inserting themselves into a relationship is different, more immediate.

[RavVid]

If you have said not to then he shouldn't. It is wrong for him to attempt to force that onto you.

I think you should not answer the door.

[DizzyDesii]

Yeah

[RHK36]

Homie has no boundaries. Already told you he has no good intentions. Keep ignoring red flags and they'll keep trying.

[DizzyDesii]

You really think he doesn't have good intentions? He always treated me good

[RHK36]

I really don't. Definitely selfish reasons because he already ignored your request.

[RHK36]

If this was happening teen or early 20s okay. But mfer is old enough to know and act better. I'm a guy and for sure he doesn't have good intentions at least not for you. It's more for him.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea he does turn 30 next week so maybe he wants to see me for his bday I don't know

[RHK36]

Either way he's already not listening. Why would it get better from there. That's a red flag, don't complain about him later if I turn out to be right.

[DreamLife7]

Exactly like Desi girl, come on, you're 29 years old. This guy doesn't like respect you nor your boundaries. He's just looking to use you it's very obvious. I think we've all told you this. I'd understand if you were like a teen or early 20s, but Desi, you're 29 girl come on now @DizzyDesii

[DreamLife7]

This guy clearly doesn't like you @DizzyDesii

[DizzyDesii]

@DreamLife7 how does he clearly not like me and he’s been trying to be more than friends since we were teens. He has never talked sexually with me but he has talked about having a future together unlike my actual dude. I hear you but at the end of the day, i know enough about my friend to know that his intentions are at least better than who im with. Im not saying i’ll let him out the friendzone. But he's always treated me good. Wanting to come over without permission is the first “negative” thing he's ever done to me in life

[DreamLife7]

@DizzyDesii Desi girl, what is going on upstairs? Think... Does a guy that doesn't respect you respect your boundaries and anything you say like you? No, he obviously doesn't think highly of you at all. He thinks you're dumb. That's why he's disregarding what you say. He just wants to use you. He does not like you. Just because a guy has sex with you and wants to have sex with you doesn't mean a man likes you. Men have sex with women they don't like all the time. It's just sex

[DreamLife7]

I never knew you were this gullible

[DizzyDesii]

@DreamLife7 we have not had sex. This is my friend who has never talked sexual with me. I dont think you’re getting what i’m saying anymore then me understanding what you’re saying. But its okay, we’ll just leave it where its at

[DreamLife7]

@DizzyDesii Desi 🤦🏼‍♀️ 😭 what is going on upstairs? I didn't say you had sex with him my point is that's all he wants. He knows you're with someone which is perfect because he doesn't have to be obligated to you. He can pump and dump then ditch you whenever and his excuse will be ," well u have a boyfriend". Sounds harsh but it's very obvious based on what he's doing that he sees you as dumb and weak that's why he's not listening to you, respecting you, nor your boundaries. He's willing to just show up and doesn't care if it inconveniences you. it's all about him and having his sexual needs met. Men don't even have to like you to have sex with you. It's just free so they'll take it because men are often rejected. So a free opportunity at sex with someone who has little to no boundaries is icing on the cake to a guy like him.

[DizzyDesii]

@DreamLife7 i hear you but he knows me better than anyone and he knows where i stand when it comes to sex. He knows 1 of the 3 people that I have given myself to. He knows what i was put through in high school and has no intentions of following suit. So i hear you and i’d prob say you’re right about anyone else but not him. He has never tried to get sex out of me and i dont expect him trying to visit in hopes for sex. He is leaving the state and wants to say goodbye. I just know we’re not over the mental/emotional connection we always had and i dont want to say bye to him because he’ll want a hug and then we’ll start feeling some type of way. That type of way is not a cheating nor sexual feeling. Its more of leave my guy for you. But atm, neither of them are what i truly want so i guess seeing him wouldn't be as much of a threat anyways. Im not going to open the door if he shows though

[RHK36]

😶 🍿

[DreamLife7]

@RHK36 I'm grabbing my popcorn 🍿 too. There are so many red flags here

[NathanDavis]

he can wait outside till he gets it...

[DizzyDesii]

Lmao love it

[NathanDavis]

lmao... that's what I'd do...

[Phoenix98]

Do what you gotta do and what you think is right for the situation.

[DizzyDesii]

I’ll try

[Wiredone]

Just tell him straight out, if you come over I'm not answering the door because I don't want any conflict with my boyfriend

[DizzyDesii]

I told him that a week or two ago

[Wiredone]

If he comes over don't answer the door. He can stand out there until he has to use the bathroom. Then he'll leave

[DizzyDesii]

Lmao i did that to my dad. He peed in the yard 😩

[Wiredone]

Call the cops. Indecent exposure. Lol.

[DizzyDesii]

Lmao it was out back. I had no idea until he texted that he had to since i wouldn't let him in

[Wiredone]

Oh. Hahaha

[SunnyRS]

Why not have a video call or something like that first and if it stirs any feelings then stop him from coming over.

[DizzyDesii]

That actually would be a good solution. Buuuut he’d prob keep wanting to videochat more often than we shoukd

[SunnyRS]

Try once and if you feel not right about it don't

[laly520]

just dont let him in or mute ur phone till he leaves

[Extraterrestrial1999]

As long as you're in a relationship, respect the boundaries. Don't answer

[DizzyDesii]

Yeah

[AlexEfron]

I would've done the same. I too have ignored people

[DizzyDesii]

Loll

[Pink2000]

It’s not wrong at all. Don’t even answer. He will get the hint.