At what point do you decide to actually cut off a member of your immediate family?

[Anonymous]

One of my family members is an alcoholic and I'm the only one in the family who acknowledges it. At this point, it can't just be ignored because she is demanding things from me that will drag me down with her. I don't drink or do drugs and am trying to finish my education so I can be completely self-sufficient. I have to figure out what to do for my own good no matter how much I love her. Suggestions on how to go about it?

[Anonymous]

Demanding things like what? You join her for drinking or something? I guess I’m just trying to understand how she’s dragging you down and if this can be sorted by setting boundaries with her before opting to cut her off completely.

[Asker]

She brings men from the bars where she hangs out to my house late at night when my husband is out of town on a business trip and I find out that they are expecting to sleep with men (before her). When my small children were being cared for by my in-laws at my home, she managed to take one of them "out" for the afternoon, I got a frantic call from my in-laws and rushed home, called the police and waited. She ignores any boundaries we set for her is always angry at me for refusing to go along with her. She will not get help and refuses therapy either with me or without me and we have offered to pay for it. The incident with my child happened yesterday and I feel pushed to the wall. I have to protect my children. My husband says I am undercutting his ability to protect both his children and me, the wife he loves so much. He took off work today. He says I have some choices to make and very little time to do it. I don't know how to cut my mother off and I'm not sure I have any other choice. I guess I'm just needing validation for what I know I need to do.

[Asker]

sleep with me, not men

[Asker]

I've already refused to go out drinking with her. This is breaking my heart. She's my mother, for God's sake.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, if she’s telling me you’re going to sleep with them every time she brings them home and didn’t get permission to take your child out, I can understand feeling done, especially with her alcoholism. I don't know, maybe just take a step back from her. Be firm and tell her you can’t have her over or around the kids until she gets help. When I put myself in your shoes, I think of my cousin who’s dealing with so many psychological issues and substance abuse. I also had to set the boundary of having space until she got better, but I didn’t cut her off completely when I totally could’ve, just took a big step back. She still struggles, but I think the idea of loss when myself and our family actually show her with our behavior we aren’t tolerating it anymore. But it took all of us as a group. If your other family is enabling her alcoholism then that’s a whole different beast.

[Opinion Owner]

**telling men not me lol

[Asker]

Yeh, that was a typo for sure!! I'm trying to finish my education also bc this is making my marriage rocky. I am the only one in the entire family who acknowledges the alcoholism. It's weird bc nobody else has a problem with alcohol. I'm the one everyone else says is "the problem" . I don't think anyone else sees the side of her that she shows me. It's almost like she's a multiple personality. Though my therapist told me recently that it's likely she is experiencing alcoholic blackouts. My husband is incensed that she would bring random men over to our home ever, much less when he is away and he says it's bad enough that it's endangering me but that he feels it puts our children in danger too. He told me he is not going to allow that to happen. Just writing this out is beginning to make things more clear for me. Thank you for your input. I'm just so exhausted and distraught with the whole situation and constant drama that it's been hard to think clearly about it.

[Iron_Man]

You go to counseling you talk about it you work it out. You don’t cut your family member out for life. If something happens to her you’ll feel so guilty. For turning your back on her

[Asker]

Do you mean counseling with her or on my own? She refuses to do it.

[Iron_Man]

With her

[jahaims]

When they are too immature to have a healthy relationship