Why are people so emotionally unavailable when it comes to friendships?

[Anonymous]

Over the past 10 years trying to make friends, I find that most adults are emotionally unavailable when it comes to friendships. Many people just want coworker relationships to only be at work. I have tried countless times to connect with people (in many different settings), most of which show no interest at all to connect. Even at social gatherings, meetups, people don't commit to meeting up regularly in order to form bonds. At social gatherings, it just seems like most of them just want to meetup to talk for that night only, not to make any lasting bonds. I have even roommate with a guy, who would leave the room mid conversation, because he has something to do in another room. I just think "am I really that bad to talk to?" I don't think so... I think its just people are too selective on who they want to talk to.

Does this current loneliness epidemic all just have to do with the fact that people just do not want to emotionally connect with each other?

[D_Bone_Steak]

For the longest time I would get inundated with "friends" bringing their issues to me as if I had all the answers... I'm talking these dudes would inject themselves into my life to the point that I'm trying to avoid them. Then I figured out how to get it all to go away.

Just tell them I'm not perfect. "Oh you got cheated on, Yeah, it happened to me too"

They ghost after that. They go from begging to live with me and bugging the shit out of me to silence. So... am I really that bad? Yes, because I'm not perfect. No sweat of my sack because they were annoying anyways. I mean seriously, I'm married with kids, and I'm highly occupied with my wife's family. I don't need homeboys from my past living with me and seriously don't understand why anyone would want that, including them.

So to tie my observation of how to get people to leave me alone into your question... I think it's not so much "emotional connection" it's just they think you got it all figured out and they'll be on you like white on rice. Expose the fact that you're getting just as fucked as they are in this life, and they want nothing to do with you.

It's funny, because the people with problems that seek connection so desperately avoid people with problems. Fair weather friends maybe? I'm not seeking connections and my struggle is usually trying to figure out how to remove people from my life, so maybe this is a unique perspective you might want to consider.

[MrOracle]

There are several reasons for this, but no question that the biggest one is that so many people are living so much of their social lives online, and I'm talking about both social media and dating apps, which have kind of bled into each other as far as behavior, values, and attitudes.

Online social lives allow people to easily move on from one person to another, and quickly they start treating people like they are disposable, and they also feel like they have endless options because they see new people in their feeds all the time. And not long after, they behave the same way with people in real life too.

This causes a wholesale devaluation of relationships, which makes it lot of people give up on even trying, so they stay at home and develop solo hobbies and avoid interactions entirely. Social media has quickly become the biggest anti-social force the world has ever seen. And that's why I don't participate with it. Likes and clicks are NOT more important than real relationship with real people.

[Account]

Generally people appear to be emotionally unavailable in every aspect not just friendship or romance. It is not that people do it on purpose I believe in most cases it is a defence mechanism. I don't think generally people are emotionally unavailable due to selfishness, but there is no space within them to give emotionally to others.
I think in most cases people are mostly focusing on their survival. We live in an era that everything appears to be completely dysfunctional.
We are all broken, full of anxiety, we constantly feel overwhelmed, the job market is a pile of donkey-shit, people have to take loans and get themselves into debt in order to cope and then they get super anxious about repaying that shit, we constantly get bombarded by negative news by the media, education system is terrible and many many other things can contribute to shutting down emotionally in order to protect ourselves from further damage, otherwise we will end up losing our entire sanity.

[FreyaRed]

You have to be useful for a friendship. You don't even need to have interesting talk or to be rich, it's enough you look good and you can be used as lure to attract men you "friend" can't. Even if you're ugly, you can't talk, you're poor, in this case at least you can cook. There is always a hungry glutton who will be you friend for a home made meal.
People are opportunistic and only children have friends just because of being together, later on it's always taking and giving. Emotional exchange only works if one of friend plays the therapist otherwise it's a receipt set to fail.

[Staximus]

Don't listen to this psychopath. FreyaRizzle, step out of the darkness and let some sunshine into your black heart. It will help you sleep better

[FreyaRed]

I'm sleeping like a little kitten since I realize the future is dark and becomes darker every day I wake. The goal of everyone is dark and cold void not the light.

[Staximus]

Did you torture any animals or other children as a child?

[FreyaRed]

No. I actually despise sadists. Hurting someone or some animal just to satisfy utterly emotions is something a real anti social person wouldn't do. Emotion make dependent to obtain emotional satisfaction, this makes emotion to a weakness. Being weak is bad. It's that simple.

[Staximus]

Do you love anybody?

[FreyaRed]

When you analyze love closely it's very egoistic and pragmatic feeling. Emotional interpretation of biological and psychological needs that always turn to be hypocrisy in long run.
But I won't judge any one for games they want to play.

[fonduegirl]

Nailed it

[HawkPerception]

There is some truth to what you're saying. But there are many factors that affect how much effort someone is willing to put into being your friend.

I have a best friend that I've been friends with for about 17 years now. We tell each other pretty much everything. We share all the dark thoughts and all the happiness in our lives. We share a lot of laughs too. But the relationship we have took a lot of time to foster. And a lot of transparency.

Everyone has a set amount of time in the day. And that's why (especially when we get older), we become more picky about how we utilize that time. Because we know how valuable it is. If people don't check off on all the aspects we want in a friend, we decide to put them in the "Not worth my time and effort box". That means they subconsciously have less energy talking to you as soon as you try reaching out.

You also have to feel like they're matching the same energy that you're putting into reaching out to them, otherwise it feels one-sided and draining.

If you have many differences in views, interests, and sense of humor, you can easily become a chore to be around.

The key to finding those people that are WILLING to put in the energy to chill with you is to have a lot in common; things that just make you click.

I've also noticed that opposite sex friendships seem to fall off a lot easier. When they get into relationships, they usually spend less time with the opposite sex out of respect for their partner. It's something we all subconsciously know and do.

[Lynx122]

You have to be comfortable with the fact that most people won't be interested won't have the energy or whatever there can be a lot of reasons. You just have to focus on the people that are open to connecting. The more you grow on your own journey the easier it will get. For me personally I have a lot of people I can connect with and I feel like the older I get the better I become at it :). I have people at my job, neighbors, people I do sports with, online friends, and friends from my past that I kept in touch with. So that's enough for me :)

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

"Does this current loneliness epidemic"

Why not, but I haven't heard or felt this epidemic, so it makes it difficult to answer the question now lol.

But objective reality is not my point, if it's your experience then it's your experience. I only made friends with people because I have seen over and over in the same places, schools, bars, friends places, internet communities and things. So, to me, the objective factor here is a massive repetition. Then subjective factors? There are so many and so complicated that I can't hope talking fairly about them

[NoDecision]

People don't want to be/feel vulnerable. Friendships offer a deeper connection, but a lot of people don't want to bother with friendships, possibly because they have been let down or betrayed by a friend. Real friendships can take years to develop. I don't think that any friendships developed in a short span would be lasting. I would say the same about "love". As the Supremes said, "You can't hurry love!"

[OneViewpoint]

Things change rapidly from high school to college to careers and marriage and kids. Then you wake up one day and you’re 50.

People have limited bandwidth for socializing. And more and more people have less money for socializing.

That is life.

[fonduegirl]

Most people are scared of what happens AFTER you breakup with your work friend. Will they out their secrets? Will they steal their project ideas? Will they date the hot person you had a crush on?

Surprisingly, they don't apply the same logic to office romances

[MannMitAntworten]

I have a younger friend whose social skills leave him doing the same with people as that roommate you spoke of. I have seen him do it many times. He told me he just gets tired of the conversation or that he just doesn’t care about the subject because it does nothing for him … et cetera. I haven’t ever voiced this to him, but it is selfish behavior. He’s necessarily a selfish guy, just socially speaking.

[Nikki1989]

Most people are selfish and too self-absorbed to care. Another problem that many people have is that you cannot develop an emotional bond with someone who is emotionally estranged from themselves.

[RageBabe]

People can be emotionally unavailable in friendships for a number of reasons, such as past trauma, insecure attachment styles, or just a desire for introversion or solitude.

[DangerouslyCute]

work is not a place for me to create friendships... but anyway, a few happened... but I don't look for friends at work...

[fonduegirl]

Where do you get friends?

[DangerouslyCute]

@anon1903 mostly in wider circle of friends, often new people appear... in centers of my interests like running community, bookworms, and lately learning Spanish

[fonduegirl]

I see! That's nice

[DishLady]

People aren't emotionally unavailable to people they enjoy being around, end of story.

[Asker]

i dont think so. I think people are just too picky. I've seen people reject me without even trying to get to know me.

[DishLady]

Ok. So then you shouldn't ask the question that you don't want to hear the answer to... (Lesson 1... why people will be unavailable to you in the future.)

[Asker]

why else would people reject me without ever getting to know me then?

just think about it.

[hello4433]

I don't leave anyone mid convo. I used to be there for my friends whenever they needed me. But when I needed them they didn't help so I keep my distance

[nl171]

I’m always looking for friends and I am emotionally available lol

[Staximus]

You just need to meet better people or analyze the way you interact with people

[BigSwingingBalls]

the internet has ruined everything. everyone stay inside

[Anonymous]

Because they are too obsessed with cell phones.

[WhitneySnow]

You might be right

[jahaims]

They lack honest introspection

[dustybiker2]

Respect

[mrshooiser]

Been hurt to much.