How do I set boundaries with an exhausting ADHD friend I still value?

[Babyseal23]

I don't hate my friend Louis because sometimes we really click and get on really well an can have a good laugh together. he's like a little brother to me and we've stuck together through good and bad times.

We've been friends for 5 years and he even came to my wedding.

One thing you need to know about Louis is he really struggles with ADHD but he does NOTHING to help himself. He often doesn't take his meds unless someone has a go at him about it, usually me and even then he won't listen and will lie about taking them.

he's been doing really well lately and even got a promotion at work. He was really getting his life together but I can never tell if he's telling me the truth because he lies a lot and talks a lot of crap.

All this I've told him to his face. a lot of my friends can't stand him and if im honest I can understand why. he's a massive attention seeker and just talks utter shit.

I tell him to shut up to save the secondhand embarrassment a lot but he's 23 now and im 28, I have a child on the way and i don't think I can be bothered to parent a man who ain't even mine anymore.

he's very self obsessed too and mansplains a lot and half the time the stuff he's explaining to me is totally wrong but I let him believe it because he thinks he's smarter than everyone else. I could send him a message saying "Louis my nans died" and hed respond with 15 photos of himself and stupid voice notes saying things that aren't even funny or relevant to the conversation.

I dont want to lose him as a friend because he's been really good to me at times and he's probably been one of my most loyal closest friends in the last 5 years. I tend to understand neurodivergent people better as im neurodivergent myself but its starting to feel like im hitting my head against a brick wall with him. Everyone is moving on with there life around him but he still wants to be a child

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Your description doesn't really talk about ADHD to me, which is okay because ADHD is a questionable diagnosis anyway. Weak consensus on what it is, how to treat it etc.

What you describe from him is about lies, apparently in a pathological way so mythomania, irrelevant or uncanny responses at times and massively self-centred. And all that, I suppose, to be loved, something he probably lacked a lot earlier in development.

I have a good friend responding to the definition I made, no pathological lying involved though. I know of this secondhand embarrassment, I know of his self-obsession, his grand moments of attention seeking etc.

And I totally get why he is how he is, looking at his past. I had to set boundaries many times, I had to put up with a lot of shit but also a lot of good memories. In the end, only you know how to balance this out, if you can, between affection and boundaries. I figured out but there's no recipe I found, it's terribly personal.

[Babyseal23]

Its not so much the ADHD its the lack of accountability he has and the fact I feel like the friendship is very much take take take from his side.

Im just here to serve him. Its a emotionally exhausting

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

It is my experience as well, take take take, a slight give, and take take take. It is exhausting, and when it is exhausting then it's time to take a break from him. It doesn't have to be a permanent one, just take a break. And see where it goes

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Oh and I wouldn't expect accountability, better not expecting that and take him for what he is not what he could be

[Babyseal23]

Im starting to see that. I had a friend who kept trying to change him and asking for my advice and then told Louis I was talking badly about him behind his back when I was simply giving feedback.

I no longer trust this other friend and have distance myself away from them.

I told Louis he can only change for himself no one else can make him do that and if he's happy with who is then its not for that friend to try and change hin

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

no one else can make him do that, indeed

[Babyseal23]

he's going through his moral high ground phase atm were he thinks he's superior to everyone and everyone should take his life advice.

He told a girl yesterday she needs to stop using filters on her photos because beauty comes from within. As if she asked and tbf its none of his business. I said "wow Louis your such a feminist icon 👏 " to try make light of the situation but then he went on a rant about how he's far right and hates feminists 🙄.

He keeps giving women unsolicited advice thinking he's doing gods work or something when actually its really rude

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I know that's not supposed to be funny but you describe the same exact situations I experience with him 😂

[whosnumber_1]

Basically everything you just said here you need to tell that to him. You are a good friend for being direct to him. He does need to take responsibility for himself and if he is on medication for ADHD then it is important that he stick to the program. Starting/ stoping meds like that is not good for you and it's very difficult to formulate better patterns of behavior if you are altering your mental state like that.

Set some boundaries for him so he knows where you stand and what his consequences are for breaking those boundaries. That way you can move forward and the choice is up to him whether he comes with you or not.

[HollyK21]

The fact that you said he’s not even your man anymore gives me the impression that at one point he was, which should give you some incentive to either lessen how much you speak with him or to not talk to him at all. If you hadn’t made mention of the fact that you’re married, I would’ve assumed this were a situationship you’re having a hard time walking away from, and to me that says you’re way too invested.
For some time yes, you were his closest most supportive friend and whatever else. But now that you’re starting your own family, you just can’t prioritize him and his mental health in the way you once did. My advice would be to dial back the communication and if he asks about to just say you’ve got other things to focus on. I get that change is hard, but he shouldn’t take you stepping into motherhood and being a wife personally. He shouldn’t take his troubles to someone who has the time to deal with it.

[Babyseal23]

We've never dated just to make that clear I've been with my husband 7 years married for 2 years.

he's not my type at all

[HollyK21]

So what does it mean when you say:

“I don't think I can be bothered to parent a man who ain't even mine anymore.”

Because from my understanding, when you say a man isn’t yours anymore, it means he once was.

[Babyseal23]

That was a grammatical mistake of mine ill put my hands up to that I've only just noticed. I meant to say "I don't think I can be bothered to parent a man who ain't even mine anyway " as in he ain't my child so why am I feeling obliged to parent him.

[HollyK21]

Ohh okay, that makes sense. In that case, I’d mainly apply the last part of what initially said, which is that you should start dialing back the communication, if not cutting it off entirely. Trust me when I say that I don’t make this suggestion lightly, back in 2022 I had to cut off my best friend of nearly 15 years. It’s not an easy decision by any means. But part of getting older means outgrowing certain relationships, and while maybe there have been times that this guy was a good friend to you, the connection has simply become too problematic. You don’t mesh well with him anymore, and now that you’re a wife and mother, you cannot prioritize him as you used to. I get it, change is hard, but that doesn’t make it less necessary.

[Nikki1989]

Currently, you’re treating him like a top-tier confidant, but he doesn't have the capacity to be that for you. You can downgrade him to a "fun/nostalgia" friend. Keep your interactions with him focused on the things you do enjoy together.

[Finchie40]

Unfortunately it’s hard to , ADHD is something that isn’t easily understood, I have a son that has severe ADHD and without proper medication , he can get out of control to the point it’s like talking to a wall , so if your friend isn’t consistently taking his meds, it’s going to be difficult for you to understand him completely. So it’s up to you on whether you want to continue being his friend or not ,

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Depends on where you need to set boundaries with him. The issues you describe seems to be more to do with the fact that he’s convinced he doesn’t need help, and if that’s the case you can’t help him.

[ChadThunderCack]

Stop being a pussy and tell them to stop being retarded or they can just fuck off!

[Babyseal23]

he's probably cry if I did that ngl

[In_Trance]

What does your husband think of this?

[Babyseal23]

He likes him to a degree. My husband has a uncle with special needs and his family even run a charity volunteering wity adults with learning disabilities so he understands Louis but he does also say he's full shit and doesn't think he could tolerate him as much as I do