Should I cut my mom out of my life or no?

[Anonymous]

I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m still fighting for permission to live my own life. I grew up in a very bad environment. My mom struggled with meth addiction for years, she’s bipolar, and she also has MS. Because of that, my childhood was traumatic at times.

I love my mom deeply and I know she’s suffered a lot, but being raised around addiction, emotional instability, and constant stress has hurt me more than I realized. Even now as an adult, I get scared every time I have to talk to her because talking usually follow the same pattern: she starts out sweet and caring, but it turns into guilt, criticism, fear, or an argument. By the end of it, I feel drained and ashamed for even wanting independence.

What makes this more confusing is that I actually stopped talking to my mom for four years at one point because our relationship had gotten unhealthy for me mentally. My current partner was actually the person who encouraged me to reconnect with her and repair the relationship because he knew how much I loved her underneath all the pain. But now it feels like my mom resents him for helping me become independent, and she’s started pushing the idea that I should leave him.

Right now I’m trying to move with my boyfriend so we can grow together and build a healthier future and relationship. Instead of feeling supported, I feel like she’s doing everything possible to make me second-guess my decision. On top of that, I’m dealing with fertility concerns, which has already been emotionally devastating for me, and lately it feels like she’s been subtly trying to make me give up on the idea of being a mother altogether

The thing that hurts is the difference in treatment between me and my brother. He was allowed to move away, get married, and build his life without being emotionally punished for it. But when I try to do the same thing, I’m treated like I’m abandoning the family or ruining my life. It honestly feels like he’s the only one she truly wants grandchildren from.

[ohsheeT]

So you can look at it a couple different ways do you love yourself do you like yourself

You were brought into this world and you had to live through something that was not your choice but it happened now you have to accept it acknowledge it

And ask yourself Do I love myself Would I be the person that I am today if I did not go through all this

Did you have to ask yourself How Deeply do you love your mother can you will you or do you forgive her for what she put you through that's the past that's yesterday it's over there's nothing you can do about it it's too late

All you have is today Your thoughts your memories your love Yourself

Your future depends on what you learn from your past and who you are it's a choice

So today You can say I am who I am For whatever reasons I am

I am now an adult I'm a grown woman I respect my mom but I love myself and I respect myself even more because that's who I grew up to be it's not being selfish it's being real

You can say Mom I love your input sometimes but most of the time not I feel that you are being selfish in many ways because I want to succeed I want things and it's as if you do not want me to enjoy these experiences because you didn't that's on you you made a choice you deal with that I'm going to deal with my life

My life includes this guy A family And happiness

When I have all this stuff I want you in my life but if you can't accept who I am and what I want and what are we going to do about it it's not going to work both ways and I can only work my way because that's my choice and that's who I choose to be

I'm sorry if you don't see it that way and that's okay by me because I need to see it I need to live it my way it's my experience sometimes I feel you go out of your way to hold me back please stop I want certain things in life that I didn't have growing up in the right in front of me and I need to seize the moment you can either be a part of it or not it's your choice again

[ohsheeT]

The biggest thing is you have to be honest with yourself and be 100% honest with her no matter what it makes her feel that's her choice if she feels that way she's the only one that can make herself feel anything anyway same with you same with me

[Telekinetic-Potato]

I went through something similar, my family did the same thing to me. I built a great life for myself and my mistake was I jeprodised all of it... No I threw it all away to go back to my family. In the moment it seemed like the right thing to do. It felt brave and honorable. It was stupid and reckless.

My family would be way better off if I hadn't been so stupid. I'd have financial stability which would have extended to them and I would have reconnected without having to ruin everything I built.

I just had this conversation with a kid last night. Every choice your parents made from the time they were born, through highschool, past everything they've ever been grounded for, held accountable to or ever been afraid of has brought you all where you are right now. You get what I'm saying?

At what point is it YOUR LIFE? Are you going to feel more guilty or less guilty 10 years from now?

You gotta run like the wind. Because even if you can't do anything to help your family, the only thing more tragic than that is if you ruin your life trying to help but you never gave yourself a fair shot.

And I don't think anyone who deserves your empathy would disagree.

Help yourself first and value what you build and never, ever forget the difference between what you have and what you're wagering on because If you mix them up it doesn't take long to end up with nothing.

[jimbob70]

That a big NO YOUR MOM just trying to do right I wish every day my mom was here. I miss my mom

[MasterKS]

Yes go for it.