Was I right in telling my girlfriend she can't hang out with guy friends 1 on 1?

[Anonymous]

Before I start you should know that my girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and see each other bi weekly. For a period of 3-4 days.

Alright, so a of couple nights ago my 3 month old girl friend told me that one of her guy friends back in high school (she is now in college) called her over the thanksgiving break and asked if she was still around.

She told me that he asked her to get together during the upcoming break and grab a drink or what ever. She told me that she hasn't seen this guy friend of years and they rarely keep in touch so she asked me if would be okay with her going out with him one on one and grabbing a drink and catch up...

My immediate response was "no I would not be okay with it"... I explained to her that I don't mind her going out with guy friends and girl friends as long as it is not a 1 on 1 atmosphere. I still support my choice of words. I told her that I haven't met one guy that would take a girl out for a drink just for "being friends" and I really haven't. I told her that 1 on 1 is always intimate and I don't really care whether it is her 20 year friend or her ex.

Her reaction was to ask me: so if one of her close friends which I met and I know has a girlfriend asked to grab a drink with her would I say no?

I answered of course I would say no, I told her I am very firm on this

She sarcastically and in a shocked voice asked me if I am serious like 5 times and each time I said yes I am very serious.

This is what really bothered me, because I expected her to just be okay with it and not really rebel. Because that is what I would do. So I said give me a call later and said bye. She texted me 3-4 times and asked me to give her a call.

I asked her how she would feel if I did the same to her, she said "I trust you and I would be okay with it"

I answered: well even if you would be okay with it I still wouldn't propose you something like this.

She said that she is really sorry that she rebelled and that she completely loves me and respects me and she will not do that.

I told her that every time stuff like this happens, even if they are small arguments, they are a big deal because it is a long distance relationship and that if it keeps happening it is going to get to me.

I told her that I am not a controlling person, because I really am not. I am completely fine with her going out with her friends on a friday or sat night. I even reminded her that I don't even bother her when she is out having fun. She told me are you kidding me I love hearing from you. We are currently pretty much in love, she texts me calls me and always tells me I love you. When we see each other we have so much fun and our sex life is just amazing.

Basically my question to you guys is that was I right? I mean would you do the same for your girlfriend or would how would you react if your boyfriend asked you to do the same as I did

Updates

+1 y

I also told her that in our relationship where it is a two way street it is also okay for her to tell me things she might not be okay with that I might be okay with. Even though she trusts me. So I pretty much was as nice as possible.

[Anonymous]

Hey man, I can completely relate to this. I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year and it's now long distance since she went off to university in the fall. I haven't gotten the chance to see her since she left because she goes to school on the other side of the country.

Anyway, I'm pretty chill about who she hangs out with at school since I don't want to push her away, and she always tells me when guys ask her out and stuff, so I trust her. So I haven't seen her in 4 months and I was looking forward to spending some time with her and I planned a day for us and everything, but then she tells me that she can't spend the full day with me since she's meeting up with a guy from high school. It just bothers me because I can't stand this guy, he liked her when we first got together and I had no idea that they even stayed in touch. He's just a crazy party guy and I don't like the idea of them hanging out.

I admit that I'm a pretty jealous guy and she knows that, so I told her that I don't really feel comfortable with that and that I would rather her spend that time with me, but of course then she thinks I'm being irrational. She says that it doesn't matter if he likes her since she doesn't like him, but I can't understand why she'd want to waste her time with him. Like you, it bothers me since I would never do that to her. She expects me to be chill with whatever she does, but I know that if I were to hang out with a girl that liked me she'd be mad, and the thing is, I wouldn't even want to do that. I relate because I'm not comfortable with the one on one situation and it feels almost threatening to me.

The point is, I quickly realized that my "you can't hang out with him" approach wasn't working no matter how much I was against it, so I gave her space to make her own decision and she ended up deciding that she'd rather spend the day with me. So as much as I relate to how you reacted, I think the best approach is just to let it go and trust that she'll make the best decision, even if it's not the one that you would have made. I've learned that resisting situations only pushes the girl away and it makes it worse for you.

Hope that everything works out.

[jimmajam]

I screwed up a relationship doing stuff like you did here. You really need to lighten up. The fact that she told you bout this meeting and even ASKED if it was okay should show you enough that she's probably not thinking of doing anything.

Honestly, what can you do anyways? She can just as easily meet someone at school or work and decide to cheat or break up with you. You have to TRUST her fully no matter the situation taht she loves you, wants to be with you and would never do anything to hurt you intentionally. That's trust and love.

You can't tell her what to do is what it comes down to in the end. Either you accept stuff that she thinks is okay, you compromise (both agreeing) or you find someone who doesn't do what you see as wrong.

[Jgel1992]

Honestly, you didn't break anything in my opinion. There wasn't anything to break, really.

[Annette83]

I can understand why you reacted the way you did, but I would not have responded well if my guy said that to me. I think that people in a relationship need to trust each other.

I know a lot of great guys. For example, I have male friends who I run with and who I work with (sometimes we have to spend weeks at a time camping together) and who I go out for drinks with. My life would be less interesting if I couldn't see them. I know that sometimes someone might develop a crush on me, but I would never respond because I am with someone. You are in a long-distance relationship with your girlfriend, so it is extra-hard for her not to be able to see her male friends (this guy isn't an ex, he is just a friend), because you're not there a lot of the time either. I don't think it is fair for you to have this expectation of her, even though I understand why you feel this way. Even if she agrees not to see her male friends, she will be resentful and she could start sneaking around behind your back to see them. This would be a problem because it could lead to worse.

It makes life so much less stressful when you don't have to worry about being cheated on. If you do have a gut feeling that your girlfriend might cheat, then I think you should think about that carefully. Because you should trust her and you should definitely not be controlling how she lives her life.

[Asker]

I understand you point, thanks for the reply but don't you think it is the easiest thing in the world for her to call a few friends and change that 1 on 1 atmosphere in to a more friendly one?

It is not that I don't trust her, I completely do. However, I simply do have my doubts just because she told me this guy did like her at one point in high school but they did absolutely nothing.

[Annette83]

I like hanging out with friends one-on-one as well in in groups. If I want to catch up, it is hard to do that with a bunch of other people around. I can only speak for myself (you know best how your girlfriend is), but it happens that guys get crushes and it is very easy to avoid awkward situations by making it clear that I'm not available. If I were you, I would trust your girlfriend to deal with the situation. She must have dealt with guys in the past who she didn't want to date; she can do it

[trukita]

I take issue with a lot of what you said. "I expected her to just be okay with it and not really rebel". So not only did you expect her to not question you when you laid down the law, you considered it a rebellion against you. That sounds so controlling and unhealthy. You can say you're not controlling, and you should always be honest and voice your opinion, but it is controlling to expect her to not argue with what you say and just do it like a rag doll.

You should have told her that you were uncomfortable with the idea, but let her make her own choices based on that. I personally think that it's ridiculous to not want her to be alone with another man, because that hints at trust issues. Being long-distance is not an excuse. You'd be the same way even if you lived right next to her. I've been in a LDR with someone who had some trust issues, but we got past it because I'm not going to let a man tell me under what circumstances I can see someone. Even if he's not a close friend of hers, you have to trust her enough that she wouldn't let anything happen.

[jeeperss]

If it had been me, I would've told you casually I'm seeing a guy friend and would not have even bothered to ask if it was okay by you. The friends I keep, male or female, are my friends, and if you cannot trust me, long-distance or short distance, this relationship is doomed from the start. The other guy might be interested in being more than friends, but it it's her you're putting your trust in, not him.

Not to mention you've only been together three months.

Also, I hope you've known each other for quite a while, before you started dating, because a relationship of 3 months in which you're already on an I Love You basis is pretty silly. There is a difference between "in love" and "love".

It's normal to be bothered by her being 1:1 with another guy, regardless of who he is, and it is normal to be jealous, but restricting who she can see and in what circumstances IS, in fact, controlling, no matter how you justify it.

[jeeperss]

On a side note, the fact that you rationally explained that you were bothered and let her know it is a good thing. it is asking her not to do it that crosses the line into controlling.

[0llie]

I am extremely independent person so I'd mind. Really mind, because every time somebody tells me not to do something I feel that my personal freedom is threatened. I think that if you are in a relationship you should trust the person you're with and while you have no reason to trust the guy/s she's seeing 1 on 1 you should trust her that even if any intimidate situation' would occur she'd stay faithful to you and turn the guy down...

But this is just my personal opinion and can have nothing to do with your girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

You are not in the right.

For one thing.. I am that kind of guy that would take a girl out for a drink just as friends. Most of my friends are girls, and honestly, if one of their boyfriends told them to not hang out with me one on one, it would come off as a bit douche-like to me.

Guess what, your girlfriend is an independent human being. She deserves the freedom to do what she wants.

If she was going to cheat on you, she would have done it already, and you would never know about it, but she is telling you exactly what she is going to do, and you need to respect that she respects you in the way that she lets you in on parts of her life she could easily exclude you from.

The more you have a choke-hold on someone, the more they are going to fight, and since you are in a LDR, I would try and keep fighting to a minimal.

Lighten up guy.

[Asker]

Ohh man than you are a rare breed. I don't think I could take that chance.

[Opinion Owner]

Its an old friend that she hasn't seen. Who are you to deny that?

If it would make you feel better, just express your concern, and make her promise that alcohol will not be involved, that maybe they go to a restaurant instead of a club or bar.

[DyingAngel]

She didn't ask you if she could she asked you how you would feel about it.She might have said okay and conceded on that count but she could be harboring how you told her no she can't do it against you.When you start employing that one can't do one-on-ones with a person of the opposite sex it creates problems.Basically you told her regardless that this guy is a friend she can't hangout with him.If you can have her in a long-distance relationship you should be able to trust her to hang out with someone one-on-one.She can get hit on by guys no matter where or who she is with.What matters is her response to the come on.By placing a stipulation on how she can interact with the opposite sex you are showing a major insecurity and possibly a large soon to be issue in your relationship.

[lorahayes]

no you weren't right...

you telling her not to do that means you don't 100% trust her, and that's not cool... if you tell someone they can't do something then that's the one thing they'll want to do. let her do what she wants, and trust her that nothing would happen. you should NEVER tell anyone that they can or can't do something, because that's where problems arise... the best relationships I've had was were we were completely truthful with each other and we completely trusted each other.

[Asker]

Lora, thank you for your reply.

I am just afraid that a friendship with two opposite sexes hanging out a lot with even the minimal attraction can evolve into jeopardizing our relationship because I wouldn't be okay with her constantly having to hangout with this guy friend even if I met him.

[lorahayes]

Its cool, and I know totally where you're coming from... but my most recent ex boyfriend started telling me he didn't want me doing certain things... and that drove us apart because its not right to be told what to do. the guy I was with before him let me do whatever I wanted... and I knew because he trusted me I was never tempted to do ANYTHING.

[Annette83]

You're right. I feel the same way.

[Jgel1992]

In my experience, the more freedom the person gives to the other the more likely it is that he/she is cheating, either emotionally or physically. It is not concrete evidence, nor the truth in all cases, just... my experience.

[miki94]

Yes you were right. I think it's kinda selfish of your girlfriend to ask something just to ease her consciousness or that it doesn't turn out like she is sneaking around. Because if she really wanted your permission, she would be ok with any answer you gave her. You surprised her by telling her no and she exploded, which is stupid, because she didn't prepare her self for the answer she might not wanna hear.

I think she realized this when she apologized. Don't worry about it. ;)

[Anonymous]

Back when I was in high school I pretty much only had guy friends, and then a few close friends that were girls. I talk to my best guy friend from high school every once in a while and I certainly wouldn't like it if the guy I was seeing told me I couldn't ever hang out with him, even if it was just one on one time. Mainly because he was my best friend and that's all it was. I think you need to be able to trust her or your relationship won't go anywhere.

[Anonymous]

i think it's understandable, especially being in a LDR. it doesn't seem like she made too much of a big deal about it, so if she's alright with it then I wouldn't worry to much about your decision.

[cacapisu]

you were right in my opinion, how would she feel if you would do the same ?