What do you do when you forgot to ask one dealbreaking question early on and you find out their answer after already liking them?

[DizzyDesii]

I’m referring to your dealbreakers that you usually wouldn't compromise on. Do you keep giving things a try anyways? Do you friendzone them? Do you ghost? Do you stick to telling them you just can't because its a dealbreaker?
(READ MORE BELOW)

I fcked up. Dealbreakers are something i state with guys within the first conversation and if its opposite of my preference, I let them know we just won't work. I tried to compromise on it 5 years ago and thats how I know for sure compromising again just wouldn't be for me. Its still early enough for me to get out of this. But its a struggle because the guy is an amazing person nonetheless. Being different in this regard doesn't make me think less of him. And It doesn't make me want to change him. But it makes me hope he’ll change naturally so that I won't have to leave…. But i know its likely he won't. Especially on something as big deal as this.
Normally i have no issue facing my probs but im fcked with this one. I told him i just need time to think. And im hardly the indecisive type so my mind was made up regardless of his answer. But its not made up enough to want to let him go. He said he’ll be mad if i let things go because of the topic, especially after seeing this mentally, emotionally, and sexual chemistry/vibe we’ve had going… One so strong that its something that neither of us have experienced with anyone else in many many years. I just really hate I didn't ask soon enough. I was told me always keep my options open if I’m not in an official relationship with someone so I feel like i should start getting to know someone else NOW so that it’ll be easier to ease away from him. But i just dont know. Just think of ONE of your instant dealbreakers. What would you do in this situation if you had asked “too late” (after having already envisioned the possibility of a future with someone)?
#FeelFreeToList #Dealbreakers

Updates

1 y

I know its rare. I just mean imagine yourselves so wrapped up in the moment and a seemingly perfect connection that you were too dumb to bring up your dealbreaker within that first important conversation. When you’ve allowed emotions to get the best of you, you dont have a hard time just cutting things? Normally i dont because i always go with the logical rather than emotional answer. But this time im struggling

Updates

1 y

Okay like i guess whats making it an issue for me is that he checks every box except a major one. Its like wouldn't i look like a total asshole passing an opportunity with one thing missing? This just sucks

[Anonymous]

Just stop seeing the guy already instead of leading him on like you’re doing.

And dating someone else while seeing him just so you can “get over” your inevitable future break up with him? Down right slimy.

You’re too much of a coward to end things NOW properly (a deal breaker is a deal breaker, right?) AND you’re willing to use another person to help you cope emotionally and move on when you’re ready to finally dump Mr. 90%.

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

Go ahead and block me, I don’t care, but you’re doing the same thing that women on here complain about all. the. time.

[DizzyDesii]

We’re not even “official”. We were just getting to know eachother and like eachother. Im not leading him on. he's the one who told me to think on it

[ShadezMcgee]

What exactly was the dealbreaker that is that defining you are this uncertain?

Personally when that happened I distanced myself and eventually just said that I wasn't feeling it. Definitely a shitty thing to do, but they are dealbreakers for a reason.

[DizzyDesii]

I rather not say but it was one so strong that i wouldve cut anyone else off same day i met them. I fcked up not asking it early enough. Ans yea i think i may just start distancing myself I don't know

[ShadezMcgee]

This is just what I did Desi, I am not condoning it because it truly is a shitty thing to do and I o ly did it because I was too much of a wuss to say why outright which I make a point of now.

I would say just RIP off the bandaid and get it done with rather than torture yourself over the whole thing. Preface it by letting him know that you meant to ask him that dealbreaker question earlier and say why you feel strongly about it, and then let him know you don't wish to go further because of how it makes you feel.

The guy will hopefully be levelheaded, but he will respect you and thank you for being upfront with why instead of just doing a 180 and pulling childish games like that.

[DizzyDesii]

I agreed with your first stance because I've done that before as well so it wouldn't have been new for me to do. And he knows now that the specific topic is a dealbreaker for me but he wants me to keep trying things. He says he respects me enough to let me do what i want in response to his answer but he also says he’d be mad if i ended things because of his answer. I dont feel like he respects it then. Because he keeps sayin he doesn't want me to go and that he “could” change knowing damn well its unlikely he would

[ShadezMcgee]

He respects the boundary, but is still trying? I would say he isn't serious with his words because if he truly respected your boundary and dealbreaker, he would let you go. "You have to love in a way that the other person feels free." Plus, him changing isn't because he wants to do it for himself, it's because he is doing it for your approval. That is a lack of authenticity on him as well.

Going off of your latest update it does make it seem extremely nitpicky on your end of he checks everything but the one that is apparently really leaving you put off is the number one dealbreaker. You obviously have your reasons for why it is there, but if it is that strong you should consider not letting him try to change.

[DizzyDesii]

I fully agree with your first paragraph and to answer your second, it was a religious type dealbreaker. I just didn't wanna get into the topic because i know people look to argue about that stuff

[ShadezMcgee]

Ah, I see. Honestly I have seen your dealbreaker list and what makes your ideal man and had a hunch it was either the religion or the waiting for sex. I am not going to poke your stance at religion since I am Catholic myself, but in terms of devotion I am nowhere near the bible thumpers level I have seen on the site and met in person.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea i dont even really read the bible like i should. Its just the fact he refuses to believe until he “sees”.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

My dealbreakers are dealbreakers for a reason.

It could lead to very serious conversations - and has in the past - and I then have to be conscious that if the other person doesn't want to or cannot change that behaviour (or it's something like a belief/value that is kinda shitty to ask them to abandon/change, in my opinion) then it isn't going to work.

I'd rather deal with a small pain now, and move on, than let it fester into a huge mountain of resentment later.

[DizzyDesii]

Thank you

[LovingLoverReturned]

Hmm. It really depends.

If for example my deal breaker is he shouldn't smoke. I really hate smoke more than anyone can imagine because i was a victim of smoke.

But he tries not to do it and he always stays miles away from me to do it :)... I can't smell ot at all... then okay

[MCheetah]

To me, a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker for a reason. And my only major dealbreakers for a girl I'd want to date are:

1. Transgender.
2. Feminist/woke.
3. Bisexual/queer.
4. Abusive in any way, physical or verbally.
5. Polyamorous/isn't single/the "open relationship" type.
6. Has an OnlyFans and/or promotes lewd content on the internet.
7. Has “preferred pronouns,” or uses terms like “genderfluid,” “non-binary,” etc.

This one friend I'm talking to, I just found out she supports Amber Heard, and this is just someone who's a friend. Now, that's not a dealbreaker to me, but it DOES make me want to slowly stop talking to her. It potentially falls into either #2 or #4.

PAUSE!!!

[TheSpaceGnome]

"gender fluid" sounds like a prude trying to say "cum" without alerting some sort of swear police, so every time someone calls themselves that I giggle a bit.

[Valso]

I've never forgotten to say some trigger words against the imaginary friends in the sky and see their reaction. If they get mad or get defensive, that's how I know they're not a dating material (or sex material) and move on.
Only once I took a chance because she was extremely hot, despite being religious, and told her her deity came to my dreams telling me he wants me to have sex with her and she believed me without a second thought. We had 4 months of non-stop sex before she disappeared along with the sect she was a member of.

[Hulk30]

if i did i'd just simply do what i had to im not gonna build any woman up to what i want em to be for different reasons i want em to be em and if that who they are dont click wit me them by have a nice life peace and blessins simultaneously talkin too much when ya can potentially be fuckin em and dealin wit em sexually is a mackin error i may ask women a few questions here and there but generally in those situations when it comes to talkin i let em do 70 percent of the talkin while i feel it in with the remainin 30 percent so i dont turn into 50 cent and ask broads 21 questions

[DizzyDesii]

he's 90% what i want. But that big one dealbreaker almost wipes out the 90%

[MysticDevice]

Well, smoking is one of my few instant dealbreakers. Thankfully its pretty easy to tell but if for some reason I didn't realize, then I'd have to have a little chat when I find out. But if I found out after we got together it wouldn't be grounds for immediate breakup.

[DizzyDesii]

A lot of people assume smoking is just cigs so they still smoke weed and think im gonna let that shit slide. I just dont and they hate me for it

[kinggeorge007]

I think it depends on what's the dealbreaker in question. For me it's kids. I don't like them. So I'll just talk with them. If they aren't okay with compromising, I'd let it go. That's something I can't compromise either. Maybe probably will keep them as a friend.

[DizzyDesii]

It was religious preferences

[kinggeorge007]

I wouldn't mind at all then. It's something that you don't get affected. His belief will stay in his mind and yours will stay in your mind. I'm a non religious person. I don't mind if the other person believe in religion or not. It doesn't affect me

[TheSpaceGnome]

This is why you wait to date them until after you know everything about a person.

It is unrealistic to expect yourself (or anyone else) to simultaneously recall every desire, comfort, dealbreaker, or pet peeve, and it takes years of hanging out with someone for every last one to surface naturally and remind you.

Unless you have an unusually short list, odds are you forgot to mention at least 100 things, not 1.

[DizzyDesii]

I didn't say we’re dating. I mean yea we’ve fallen for eachother. He wants to be more. Im just kinda pausing shit

[TheSpaceGnome]

Pausing can be good when you have no reason to think it will go south but want to confirm compatibility first.

if he has a dealbreaker, that seems like it's already not going to work out. Not checking a major box means breakup is inevitable.

It's always best to be direct, state exactly what the dealbreaker is when you think of it, and call it off.

[DizzyDesii]

I did state it to him but he claims he could someday change his stance. I've heard that one too many times and usually call bullshit but because of this vibe, its hard to

[TheSpaceGnome]

People don't change.

They can adapt, they can find new things they are predisposed to like or dislike, but they don't change who they are.

[DizzyDesii]

I said the same

[TheSpaceGnome]

This really overshadows a bigger problem, in that there currently isn't a practical way to advertise relationship status, personality, interests, hobbies, goals, dealbreakers etc.

Wouldn't it be neat if every person you passed on the street was a walking billboard for who they are as a person and what they want?

[DizzyDesii]

Lmao people would never get a date lol

[TheSpaceGnome]

On the contrary, I think it would be a much more successful method.

Otherwise you pass up millions of opportunities.

[TallAnon]

If it's staight up a dealbreaker.. break the deal.
My dealbreakers aren't preferences like "Oh it would be nice if she happens to like fantasy novels", no, they are more like "She better not be a fucking racist". When they are; Cya!

[DizzyDesii]

Well at least you have the right mindset

[Twalli]

I bring up things like that by the second date. If we have enough chemistry to have a relationship, we need to make sure we're on the same page before getting too attached. I only have 3 things that are ironclad: sex before marriage, marriage, and not giving birth to children. Anything else can be negotiated. If she doesn't want to get married or won't have sex until marriage it won't work out. I can't get her pregnant so if she wants to actually give birth, it CANNOT happen with me.

[DizzyDesii]

I understand

[DataOrganizer27]

Sometimes we're willing to compromise on deal breakers for the right person.

You just need to think about if you'll be able to live with it in the long term and if you decide he's worth it then go for it.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea i will think about it

[Anonymous]

The only huge deal breaker I can think of off the top of my head, that would be negotiable at all, would be the subject of kids. I don't want them. But if I was completely in love with a guy who did, then I would try to figure it out with him. In your shoes, I might try to make it work, but it really depends on what kind of deal breaker it is.

[Guy__]

I don't get close with someone I'm not sure about. Normally if I liked someone and see shit I don't like and can't be overcome, I suddenly "friendzone" her.

[DizzyDesii]

Im sure enough. Just annoyed i forgot to ask early on. So its more my fault then his but now i’d look like an ahole calling a cut after the film has been released if that makes sense

[exitseven]

You start dating somebody who would be perfect except for X. For the rest of the time you find this person awesome if only they did not do X. This will never work out.
I would end it.

[DizzyDesii]

Thank you

[exitseven]

you are welcome😀😀😀😀

[Jamie05rhs]

I made that mistake once before. I assumed the best about someone and found out I was wrong. Never again. See, when you do that, it hurts the girl. It hurts them badly. And I never want to hurt anyone!!

[DizzyDesii]

Thats what im sayin. I haven't done it in like 5 years. So im mad at myself right now

[Jamie05rhs]

However, if it's after the fact, then just do what you have to do. Never compromise your standards out of sympathy for someone or because you want to avoid an awkward conversation. Sometimes in life we have to do hard things.

[Jamie05rhs]

Yeah. I understand.

[Jamie05rhs]

... Wait- It's something he can change?
That doesn't sound so impossible.

[Jamie05rhs]

I mean, it's not drugs, is it?

[DizzyDesii]

Not drugs but also not something he's gonna change unless he's directly affected. I’ll tell you more elsewhere

[Jamie05rhs]

Okay

[JosyJosy]

I'd put on an oscar performance and act surprised oh you do this? Why you do this? Please stop doing this

[DizzyDesii]

Lmao what? So like would you keep pursuing a future with the guy or would you cut him off?

[JosyJosy]

Cut him off of course. It would be a waste of time for the both of us. I can hope he can not do whatever the dealbreaker is, since it only came up after liking him and I take ages to like someone. But if he can't quit, I quit.

[DizzyDesii]

I mean this dealbreaker existed long before him but you were just too distracted to mention it early on

[JosyJosy]

If that was to happen I'll have to just break up. My mistake

[Pohjolan]

If its a dealbreaker initially then its also one later on.

Question is if you were honest with yourself when you made your list?

[DizzyDesii]

I was for sure. But its something about him

[Pohjolan]

Then you should break up with him and next time bring a list of your deal breakers since you are unable to memorise them or better yet put them on your dating profile.

Also make sure to apologise properly to him for being a cockteaser whom deceived him.

[DizzyDesii]

I stated everything except my religious stance thank you very much

[kellytheman]

It mostly how many deal breaker I have with them I can compromise with one or two but if she had three I either just have to let her go

[DizzyDesii]

Think of your biggest dealbreaker and pretend its that

[WhitneySnow]

I’m not sure. This has never happened to me. But I might just give him a chance.

[FinalFantasyBro]

I probably just won't talk 🦜 r try getting close to her if I since something like a deal break.

[DizzyDesii]

Do you mean closer if say you already started vibing?

[FinalFantasyBro]

Correct

[TheAfrikan]

In this kind of situation i do think that i would let go. No matte how good the sex is.

[DizzyDesii]

Lmao im not havin sex with no one in less than six months

[TheAfrikan]

hahahhaha wondering how u doin it then, is there any company of toys around ya hmm @DizzyDesii

[DizzyDesii]

I dont believe in using sex toys

[TheAfrikan]

Dizzy prefers the actual skin warmth sweet. :)

[DizzyDesii]

Yes lmao

[EaterPeter]

Add a close in advance, have a clean good exit strategy

[DizzyDesii]

Lmao

[EaterPeter]

Clause *