Fooled around with best friend, now what?

[Anonymous]

So after an evening out we went back to his place and drank enough that we were tipsy. One thing led to another and we ended up in his room. We got fairly far, but there was no actual sex involved. After we were done he started to drift off and I was debating sneaking out, but he turned to me and said "No sneaking out." We are still talking to each other and nothing has changed, but I am confused about what he thinks. I know he has slept with other people, which is not an issue since we are not dating, but he seems to have stopped sleeping with them now. I don't want to ask because that would ruin the friendship we have. Do most guys ask girls to not sneak out?

[Anonymous]

I might ask, yeah.

Still, I say you either treat it like nothing's changed, or you ask so you can define things.

I honestly think that if you could be happy with it going either way, I say ask. Just say to him something like "So I was just wondering what this all means to you. I'm just curious; Where do you want to go with this?" and if you're really cool with whatever happens, then just take whatever his answer is, and go with it. Nothing weird will happen. You could explore a new relationship or go back like nothing happened, or keep doing this FWB thing if you want, and keep it casual.

If you just want a relationship, and it turns out he doesn't, then the key to it not getting weird is just getting his answer, and accepting it. If you don't get too torn up (to his face, at least) then things will normalize, in time, you'll get over him, and things will be ok.

If he wants a relationship and you don't then that;s the tricky part. Basically, you just have to keep it respectful, and try not to hurt his feelings. Just let him know your reasons, if you think they're good ones, and let him know how good a friend he is. Though careful how you word it, or he might think you're just saying that to zone him, because you think he was a mistake, or that he sucked in bed or something. If you do this, be tactful, but explain everything in as clearly and concisely as possible. Maybe even work out a speech beforehand, and refine it so that it's as airtight as possible.

Anyway, I think you can do all this without ruining a friendship. You just have to be smart about it. Just remember, the fact that you two had sex already complicates things. It's better you sort this crap out, before it gets too big. Sooner the better. So, yeah, sorry, I know you said you don't want to ask, but I think it's best you talk to the guy and define this relationship. Otherwise things can very easily get messy.

[Deft_maiden]

Good answer

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you.

[Asker]

He already knows that it was not a mistake..we at least made sure that the other was OK with it...and we have talked and acted normally around each other so nothing to worry about with it being a mistake or him thinking he sucked in bed.

[Opinion Owner]

Excellent. Then that's far less to worry about. How about all the other stuff? Because as I said, you need to talk about this sometime soon, or you still run a risk of causing what you're trying to avoid. A ruined friendship. Your thoughts?

[Asker]

Well even if I don't talk about it with him the friendship will still be fine. That is already proven with the fact we are acting and talking normally...i'm more worried if I would ask now that it would ruin things...i feel like I need to wait a little longer to determine if he wants to be more...we've been friends for over a decade, so I doubt that this would change anything.

[Opinion Owner]

OK, explain to me why asking about it would suddenly ruin things. Be logical, here. Explain to me your thought process, on why asking him would ruin everything. Show your work.

[Asker]

Because he doesn't date very long, has been in love with another girl before that he is still hung up on, and because I don't want to get the answer and then he acts weird towards me. I like the friendship too much to want to change it for the worse, such as him not talking to me or not being my friend even.

[Opinion Owner]

You've known him for 10 years, what makes you think you're so easily discarded?

[Asker]

That's a good question. Could not even give a straight answer. Guess he almost had a falling out with another friend recently. That was hard to watch cause they were like family. They're still weird around each other at times.

[Opinion Owner]

Well, anyway, I tried. I guess you can wait on it for a while, but I still suggest talking about it sooner or later.

[Asker]

Now after the first two days of being fine these last two he hasn't talked to me. Not even once. Is that his way of saying what we did was stupid?

[Opinion Owner]

Remember when I said it might be wise to talk about this?

[Asker]

Yes. I remember but it's easy to give advice not so easy to take it. I guess I lost the opportunity to ask now. It's been over three days.

[Opinion Owner]

Not exactly. You might still have a chance, but I'm still of the opinion that sooner is better than later.

[Asker]

What if I still have a feeling a guy should make the first move, at least to ask on a real date?

[Opinion Owner]

I've pretty much always been of the opinion that any girl who says "guys should make the first move" are just saying that because they're scared. Though you have already stated that you're scared, so... no real revelation there.

[Opinion Owner]

Still, you should recognize it as that. You're just afraid. Try to push past that. A lack of communication was how this got worse in the first place, you sitting around and waiting, stubbornly, because of your fears, will not help you. I think at this point, you making your moves now, means for you standing to have a lot less to lose, and more opportunity to fix this.

[USGrant]

He does care for you or he'd have let you go, but wait to see what he does next to confirm whether it is attraction and affection, or just friend drunkenness. If you like him though, no need to wait for him.