Confessions of a Self-Proclaimed Feminist: Being a Traditional Woman Should Not Be Stigmatized

[thesongwentonforever]

Women should be able to do and be what they want: Astronauts. Doctors. Athletes....Homemakers.

Politically, I consider myself somewhere in the middle (there are things that I agree and disagree with from both the Left and Right), and Left-Leaning socially.

I'll say that I have not been made to live the lifestyle of a traditional woman; I've been scolded countless times as a kid for getting my clothes dirty, along with pulling a prank or two, and getting in scuffles with boys. Now as a woman, I am very much into fashion, but am put off by wearing hyper-feminine outfits; I have to add sneakers or a baseball cap, somewhere. I don't wear makeup. I do my own hair instead of setting salon appointments because I just prefer to. I have considered engineering and aerospace, but fell mostly in love with medicine instead.

With all of this said, I do not believe that it's right for women who take traditionally feminine roles to be stigmatized as they are, as long as it's their choice, and that they are happy doing so. I have met a woman or two who tried to force themselves into this role because of what some unasked-for man said about how women should act, but these days, I haven't seen that very often, personally. There are a lot of "Pick-Me" women that put down women who aren't traditional, but they get their share of criticism. My aunt is a stay-at-home mom, and I can tell that she enjoys what she does, in spite of the challenges (and motherhood is very, very challenging!). Her children (my cousins) glow with health, confidence, and happiness. The same situation is possible and happens with mothers who work as well, they may just do things differently to get that result. The two roles are different, but neither are bad.

If you want a bare face, bare it! If you like a lot of makeup, wear it! High heels or sneakers, none of that should matter these days, because, again, women should have the choice to be who they want to be.

I do consider myself a feminist, but this is one aspect of feminism that I feel uneasy about; the mainstream version of feminism that takes up the media does have a tinge, whether subconsciously or bluntly, of putting down women who are for other women, but also enjoy being very feminine and/or stay-at-home moms. Don't expect for me to spend time trashing feminism as a whole with you, because I won't. But this is an area in the movement that I feel needs to be improved.

Thanks for Reading!

[MlleCake]

The issue is, there isn't just one traditional way to be a woman. There has never been just one way. But in the US, we came to hold one type of family as the best form of family, and for many women, they found their role was unappreciated, unpaid, and put them at considerable disadvantage by cutting her off from public life.

With new laws about community property, divorce and custody, and the recognition of women as full citizens, this has changed a lot.

Now I don't know of any feminists who see it as impossible for a woman to stay home and still have a fulfilling, fair, just life.

The rejection is that feminists know there are many good ways to be a woman and we reject the idea that nuclear families are the only good or best way to have a family, be a woman, or be a wife. It can be a great option for some people, but it's only one of many acceptable, good ways for women to live. We simply reject the idea that it's the ONLY way, or only GOOD way, which some people still insist it is.

My mother was a stay-at-home mom and a feminist for much of my childhood. I chose not to have children and always had to work for economic reasons. Neither of us is better than the other, as women or as people.

[dandee55]

I have to confess that when I first saw the title and saw the word "feminist", I thought "I'm not interested in reading that." Then I saw it again and read the whole title and decided to check it out. Good job!

On a side note, what would it be called if a guy wanted to be a homemaker?

[thesongwentonforever]

I would just call him a "Stay at Home Dad". He can be called a homemaker too, I would think! There's nothing wrong with that in my opinion

[dandee55]

But is it related to feminism? ... or what?

[thesongwentonforever]

No, it's simply an occupation, as far as I know

[EnglishArtsteacher]

Great points, but these only apply to ACTUAL Feminists, which are rare these days.

These new-wave (I guess third-wave) "Feminists" aren't real Feminists. Many of them hate men, are jealous of conventionally attractive women, and ironically enough, force women to have the exact same lifestyles, and opinions of them. Funny enough, I don't see these same Feminists complaining about women being gold-diggers. Nope. Never. I thought they were "career" women? And why does it seem they discuss issues for white women? What about non-white women? I never see that.

I'll take this to the next level, and include political views as well. Most of the new wave Feminists tend to be on the liberal side of politics. Well, if a woman is moderate, or conservative, that's fine. I know a girl who is a self-proclaimed Libertarian who leans conservative, and was attacked by these "Feminists" for her abortion, and gun control views. Of course, they use raw emotions during their arguments, and no logical reasoning.

My point is, I think Feminists these days (by definition) are virtually non-existent.

[Aynsof]

I think they are on wave 4 actually

[MlleCake]

@Aynsof There really aren't waves, actually.

[Aynsof]

@MlleCake
It is commonly referred to in such a manner
And there are distinct differences in the immediate goals methods and ideology of the suffragettes and the movements of the 60s and 70s and then to the later ones
It is a matter of definition but I do not believe it is correct to dismiss the distinct differences there has been

[EnglishArtsteacher]

@MlleCake There might not be "waves." When I said "third-wave", I just mean the "Feminists" since the new Millennium began. They are man-hating women who are jealous of conventionally attractive women.

[Anonymous]

As a female, living in a mainly female household, with the exception of my dad, and younger brother, I feel its easier for women to put themselves in stigmatised roles rather than fight it. But the same could be said for males as well. They are constantly ushered into macho male roles, and looked down on if they try to show emotion, take jobs that are considered feminine etc. I feel like most feminists don't look at both sides, and mainly focus on female stereotypes and how to break those.

But what abut males? We should be breaking male stereotypes. We should allow men to cry when they feel sad, work in a 'feminine' job, just like how we expect to be able to work in 'masculine' jobs.

In Australia, where I'm from, the government is actually trying to break gender-specific stereotypes in the workplace, by giving both men and women paid maternity/paternity leave, while also encouraging them to work in roles that aren't gender specific. Females as tradies and males as preschool teachers.

[MScifiwriter]

I like this a lot! I completely agree that a woman should live however she wants to live! I have a lot of respect for women who take the roles of astronaut, scientist, and others just as much as I respect my younger sister. Who enjoys taking my nephew and nieces to their daily school and after school activities. As well as making their meals.

Both types of women, those who have ambitions and work for the betterment of society (or their own wealth), or the betterment of their own family. All of them make one type of sacrifice or another and I give them all a lot of respect for their choices.

[Gedaria]

I can see it is difficult for women. My own family is all women 3sisters 4daughters to my first wife and my second wife came with 3 more. All of them faced this same situation you get greef if you stay at home or go out to work. With my first wife I never gave it a thought about children but we agreed if she had any she would stay at home. Not being sexist but she was better equipped to do it than I was. Plus the money I brought in could cope with her being at home. This arrangement worked up the last daughter. I said enough what she was wanting was a boy. But unknown to me she had been having a hard time from her family about staying at home instead of going out to work. This was coming from females I think there was a little jealousy. I said if you want to do that we can work round it. So she did unfortunately that is where she found her first lover one of many !!!

[Annie_Mosity]

As with Muslins all over the world, I shall not renounce my claim to being a feminist because some choose to use it as a tool of oppresion and fear and hatred toward other groups. I know that will get me some shit, but I don't care.

People are all different and if some want to stay home, be the main care provider and in charge of domestic issues then that's all dandy with me - it's a tough job, one I would find immeasurably dull - which is why I don't do it. And being away from their family may seem hellish to other people, which is why they don't do it.

I feel the same way about it as I do freedom of speech: I may not agree with your choice [opinion], but I'll defend your right to make it to the bitter end...

[cherryphi82]

It's not dull, it's thankless. It's one of the most varied and versatile jobs out there. It's like managing a small business, only that you don't get any off time and people assume you are vapid, unskilled and have no market value. It's so often criminalized and discriminated against, starting with Simone de Beauvoir who said homemakers were "parasytes" to society. The real parasytes are the many unemployed or lowly employed grinders who think of themselves highly because they work a 9-5 and the overeducated douches who look good on paper but have absolutely no job experience.

[Annie_Mosity]

@cherryphi82 it is fucking dull, to me... Which is why I said it... And not sure how low paid earners are parasites... Shitty view there. I'm not dismissing the merits and struggles of being a stay home mom I was saying for me it's my idea of hell. Thankless and covered in old food. I don't want kids myself so of course to me it's an awful job, plus I like working. I enjoy my jobs. I'd hate to have to take years out of my life and put my job on hold. I find it hard taking a week off!

[cherryphi82]

The point is, you're still not thinking of it as an actual job. Something where you actually have to *do* something. Sitting at a desk all day, wiring, flipping burgers, cleaning buildings -- all jobs that can be described s "fucking dull" as well. Why does stay-at-home mom stand out? Otherwise, you'd have to say teachers and day care workers are dull. For me, a 9-5 would be my idea of hell. Unless you get to explore the Amazon, most regular jobs are very dull.

[Annie_Mosity]

@cherryphi82 you aren't getting that I'm agreeing with you. Reread my original post... I'd find it dull, but that doesn't mean others won't... Or should. You're making out like I'm dismissing the work needed but I haven't made one point that suggests that.

[CubsterShura]

Yes yes yes! Women have the right to choose to work... AND not work as well.

So many women want to be homemakers but are forced to work by lazy husbands or greedy in-laws, and it's terrible. Women who have to manage both household and work really have a big load on themselves and it's okay if they want to lessen their load of work. Yes technology has made housework much easier but it is still not like they just relax all day.

I salute women who devote their lives to their families and especially children, and don't give a damn to people criticizing them for it. Homemakers don't have breaks on weekends. They do the most work on holidays (by preparing good food and arranging the house).

I will never understand kids who don't respect their moms. Our mothers don't get paid for what they are doing, and honestly no amount of money can ever pay them fairly. The least we can do is not being rude to out mothers or do things like shouting at them.

[BreakingSound]

I don't think you can honestly be a feminist and not support women who want to take on the traditional role. Choosing to do that should be just as empowering as choosing to take on a male-dominated career field. If the goal is to reduce or eliminate social stigma surrounding gender, that's not the way to go about it.

[Phoenix98]

Well your not running around saying crazy BS and saying women who like to stay at home are traitors and bigots.

That already makes you better then 90% of feminism.

Personally I don't see any reason for Feminism to exist in the US there is literally no right a man has that a woman does not also posses and in my opinion it should be dissolved as it's purpose has been fulfilled.

Though other countries could use 1st wave Feminism.

I of course recognize your right to follow the group if you'd like as that is your right to do so. In my opinion that you do yourself a disservice by being part of that group.

[JZ909]

I agree. Something I disagree strongly with is the push for women to get into hard science careers. To be clear, I have no problem at all with women being in hard science careers, I have a problem with women being told that is what they should do. Individuals should choose what they do, and they shouldn't receive undo pressure about it.

[madhatters4]

i agree. there seem to be many so-called feminists who stigmatize the traditional female role as being subservient or submissive and when it was the expectation of society it may have been

but feminism is about choice free from gender construct stigma

[readywriter]

being a housewife and mother does not mean yo can't be feminist. Yo have made a decision that you will live as you want. You have taken charge of you life and do it well.
Feminism today is not what it started out. It was about women choices and doing what they wanted to to do. In charge of their life.
Who said that housewives and religious have to dress like frumps. Who said that can't be attractive and nurting..
Ugly and bitter women. That's who. So narrow minded that only their way is valid. They never met my housewife wife. She is all women's rights but not women's bitching.

[Jon_25]

Yes I agree. I've met too many feminists who seem to just want to switch the roles, and instead of calling for equality, they are calling for men to act like what women had to in the 1950s, and for women to act like whatever they want-- as long as it's not like how women used to act.

I dont think women should be shunned for acting like traditional women, but I do think they shouldn't be forced to act like that either. Good take, I wish more feminists were like this.

[passinby]

Feminists are the true misogynists since they put their political idealism above women's true wishes. They are the worst executors of misogyny, period.

[SarahsSummer]

Don’t be confused. The feminist movement has taken on a far more militant approach than its initial founders suggested or even anticipated. In this day and age (in first world nations anyway) feminists are irrelevant. Be who and what you want. That’s the message feminists started with.

[martyfellow]

It’s the MAINSTREAM of modern feminism, putting down anyone, male or female, who doesn't adopt a corporate lifestyle. And there is no doubt most kids are happier and mentally healthier with a stay-at-home parent, but that’s not an option for most of us

[Logorithim]

Seems to me that what's important is that a woman can choose the path she wants to go in life, subject of course to constraints such as the family needing a second income, being a single parent, etc. It shouldn't be dictated by anyone, also other women.

[JulieXO]

I agree. I think that women being whatever the fuck they want to be, be it an astronaut or a stay-at-home mom, is the basis of feminism. Forcing women to focus on having a career rather than a family is taking a step backwards.

[EnglishArtsteacher]

And these same third-wave crazy Feminists seem to think it's impossible to have a career, and a family...

... And I don't see them complaining about gold-diggers anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

I’m not a feminist. But I have to say that “traditional womanhood” is a Bougie ideal, though. Most women and children WORKED throughout history. Even early calories in caveman times were mostly gathered by women & kids. Sitting around over decorating the house was never very “traditional” - and always a wealth thing.

[Opinion Owner]

Leaving Women of color, rural white women, other unwealthy women. etc out of their consideration of “real womanhood” is silly.

[cherryphi82]

Lmao. You think women who don't work outside the home sit around and decorate their house? What a fool. I have to be teacher, doctor, CFO, CEO, nanny, nurse, chauffeur and coach to my four kids. I'm sick and tired of women like you who have not the faintest idea of the skills, effort and presence of mind it takes to raise successful human beings, let alone the notion that that's not a valid career choice. Women like me are pillars of the community. You, however, sound like an uneducated plow horse who is likely single, unable to form a successful relationship and gain enough financial stability to even consider such a career choice. Shoo.

[Opinion Owner]

You’re wealthy, congrats. But not everybody is and saying what you do is the only thing that is real womanhood is silly.

[Opinion Owner]

A poor woman working has to do the things for kids you do too, is what I’m saying.

[Opinion Owner]

And its more common to be poor. You’re rich, living the rich life. Not “traditional” womanhood.

[cherryphi82]

Lol, yep, I'm rich. That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard in a long time.

[Opinion Owner]

Comparatively, yes. Don’t erase reality to feel sanctimonious.

[cherryphi82]

I'm not erasing reality and I'm not sanctimonious. You have no idea where my family stands financially. The conclusion that someone is rich because one parent can stay home is absolutely ludicrous. When I can afford a vacation, a house, a car, etc, then you can call me rich.

[Opinion Owner]

Women (and sadly children in some places) are helping cultivate the food you and your kids eat, are creating the clothes you and your kids wear, the backbone of the medical care you and your kids will get, etc. In many countries, women are tooling for hours to get drinking water for their families. This is history and this is reality. They’re planting & harvesting food. They’re creating household goods from raw materials. Saying that being wealthy enough to get to not do these kinds of things is the historically accurate “tradition” is erasing reality. It’s elitist.

[Opinion Owner]

Look at the pic OP chose. Rick white Women socializing while making a dessert - a luxury item.

[cherryphi82]

You know what, fuck you. You have absolutely no right to call me anything if you haven't been in my shoes. Just because I'm not on the street doesn't mean I'm wealthy. You are calling what I do bougie... Hey, go ahead. To me you're a bitter, anti-social ape who has nothing better to do than to down on others who lead better, more worthwhile lives than you. The only one here who's sanctimonious is you.

[cherryphi82]

Yep, something I never get to do because I actually take my job seriously.

[Opinion Owner]

Whoa. Who’s insulting who here? I said you’re rich because you dont have to do the same kind of labor as others and you’ve called me every name in the book and sworn at me.

[cherryphi82]

And you discounted my labor as bougie and trivial. I have every right to insult you.

[Opinion Owner]

Your elitism is shining bright just by you shoving it down everyone’s throats that you’re the best on the planet.

[Opinion Owner]

You married well and take good care of your kids. It’s not trivial. Love isn’t trivial. It’s just not the main, most common form of traditional motherhood.

[Opinion Owner]

You pointing out how you’re “better” proves my entire point.

[cherryphi82]

I put my money where my mouth is. If that's elitism, than I really think you don't know the definition. If you don't want to be discounted, don't discount others.

[cherryphi82]

No, I don't think I'm better. I just don't think I deserve to have my work trivialized just because it is not as toilsome as others'.

[Opinion Owner]

I’m not discounting you. I’m discounting that only women who married well enough, happen to live in a western society and aren’t rural are the “ideal” of womanhood. It’s like saying everyone can be disney princess so we should look down on everyone else. We can’t and won’t. You clearly feel superior to poorer women, but won’t even express gratitude or acceptance that poorer women are helping crank out your food, clothing and medical care so you get extra time to devote to things for your children.

[cherryphi82]

Obviously, that's a lie. Look at all the responses from people who despise homemakers and stay-at-home moms, see them as parasytes, gold-diggers, and without any market value or capability. Are you one of those poor women? No. You are here on GaG dishing out judgments on people whose shoes you've never been in. And talking of gratitude, and poor, hard-working women. I bet you're one of those spoilt brown girls who got into college for free because of their "culture". Don't speak for people whose experience you don't even live.

[Aynsof]

It is indeed sad when it becomes you can do anything you want as long as it is not that
Which it does seem to at times
Choosing the life of a housewife for some self proclaimed feminists is tantamount to choosing oppression
And it is sad because if it is not to ensure women can choose from all life's options what use is feminism
Not all are like that of course but there are some... a little? A lot? I can't say

[LokiWhite]

I agree with what you've said. I believe the ultimate form of feminism is a woman doing whatever the hell it is that she wants, including be a traditional woman.