Everything I know about women

I recently “celebrated” my 65th birthday, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and this myTake will tell you everything I know about women. Absolutely everything!

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THE END

Seriously, there are three things that I know about women and I will share with you these few nuggets gleaned from approximately fifty years of dating, engagement, marriage, divorce, and my miscellaneous observations of the female species.

Things have changed just a bit!
Things have changed just a bit!

1. When you take a woman to dinner, the waiter will eventually come to the table and ask if you are interested in dessert. Almost every woman I have ever met will quickly and reflexively say “no!” Don’t believe it!

Dont believe it
Don't believe it

Women want that dessert that they read about when they were supposed to be reviewing the entree choices. BUT . . . they are afraid that if they admit they want dessert, it will lead you to conclude that they are a fat cow in disguise, unworthy of dating, and they will never see you again. So they say, “no,” but they damned sure want that dessert!

You can score major points by diplomatically saying, “Ya know, I’d kinda like some dessert,” and then you pause . . . for effect . . . and continue, “would you be willing to share a dessert with me?” With that simple statement, you have transformed this matter. Instead of her yielding to her secret cow temptations, she is now going to do you a favor – and only because you asked – and she will HELP you by eating some of YOUR dessert.

Everything I know about women

So, then, you coyly ask, “what on the dessert menu looks good to you?” She already knows the answer because she was reading about it and salivating thirty minutes ago, but she will pretend to review the dessert menu before telling you that the Triple Chocolate Brownie Chocolate Ice Cream Cake With Ganache, Served With A Chocolate Fork sounds “interesting.”

So you order it, she eats two-thirds of it, and she leaves the restaurant stuffed but happy . . . and you have established what a fun guy you are to have as a dinner companion.

2. If you are sending her flowers for any occasion, she will dig it, but... if you send those flowers to her place of employment, you will score many more points with her.

Everything I know about women

When she gets called on the intercom to come to the receptionist’s desk, and she sees those flowers, she will immediately consult the female onboard version of MapQuest. That is the version which tells her the route back to her desk which will allow her to be seen by the greatest number of her female co-workers. When she passes by them, carrying those flowers, she will have that look that says, “Oh girls! Look what my man sent ME!”

Everything I know about women

Later, when she hears those jealous hens at lunch saying, “Oh, she must have been very good last night!” and another hen interjects, “or she must have been very, very bad!” and they all giggle, she may pretend to be embarrassed but she knows she has increased her standing among the other ladies. And she is happy!

3. If she says, “everything is FINE!,” you need to grab your shit and git.

Run, OlderAndWiser, Run!
Run, OlderAndWiser, Run!

THE END. Really, I mean it this time!

Everything I know about women
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Most Helpful Girl

  • sparke328
    I agree with #1. We women love desert and it makes us feel better when the man asks us about it because we will let down our "Food makes us fat" wall and share the "we love food and sweets so much" mood with you

    #2 has good points in saying that yes we love flowers but if you as a man were to BRING the flowers yourself to your lady's work or school along with food or a special note, that will make us feel even more special and better about ourselves and our relationship with you as the man.

    Finally #3 I disagree. When a woman says "everything is fine" you can do 3 things. If she seems mad and frustrated like passive aggressive, DO NOT tell her to calm down. Instead ask her "What is bothering you" sincerely and listen to her problems. We love to rant! Second if she seems a little pissed off and annoyed at YOU, tell her that you are going to go for a quick walk to think about what you have done wrong and once you finish ask her how you can correct your mistake where she will most likely tell you what you did wrong and how to make her feel better. Finally if she says sarcastically "everything is fine" because her life is going all wrong and nothing is perfect/ going to plan, tell her "hey everything will turn out okay. I just know it will and I will help you with anything that you need." that will make her feel instantly better, comforted, and happy.

    Thanks for reading!
    Is this still revelant?
    • Ninjazzed

      Funny, that “fat wall” is something women only use around men because they’re afraid of being viewed as awkward or unattractive lol

      Here’s a hint though, the fastest way to a man’s heart isn’t through his stomach.. it’s a little further down south lol women are usually won over with food though, if I’m being completely honest.

    • #3 was primarily intended to be humorous.

    • sparke328

      @OlderAndWiser. I know but if guys actually wanted to know, I'm just trying to help.

    • Show All

Most Helpful Guy

  • Massageman
    Congratulations on your birthday! Wish I could be that young again!

    Good points to score points. Thanks for sharing.
    Didn't know you were into cars - - - -
    Didn't know you were into cars - - - -
    On a sidenote, I saw this sign and thought of you and GaG.
    Is this still revelant?
    • Wow! Thanks for the photo. I just made it the new photo on my profile. :) :) :)

    • It's actually a trackside photo of a nicely detailed and weathered structure on a model train layout!

    • I found the same sign - not miniature - for sale online. Captured the picture at a mush higher resolution and substituted that on my profile.

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

2941
  • Happy Birthday 🎁
  • Dear @OlderAndWiser , once again I'm amazed, mostly because of your positive attitude towards women and your balanced approach to this.
    I feel like these points are true for some women.

    Since most of the 13 opinions coming from girls contained something along the lines of "I don't actually want dessert", here's mine: I love dessert. I can eat a lot, and before I go to a restaurant, I'll usually have a small snack but nothing else on that day so that I can enjoy the food more. However, because most restaurants serve very small portions, I always set something aside for when I come home for me to eat.
    The thing with dessert is that it's uncomfortable to ask for it.
    The strategy you outlined is great because the woman can still say no if she really doesn't want dessert. I prefer to split the check, it's common in Austria to pay for your own meal or for the guy to pay, and if I pay for my stuff, I'll get dessert if they have anything nice.

    The thing with flowers is that I don't really like them and I would personally absolutely hate receiving any at work, just like @Izumiblu already pointed out. But I think that a decent amount of women enjoy receiving flowers.

    If I say "everything is FINE", I'd like to be left alone for about 5mins, then quietly comforted for 5mins and then talked to and calmed down for as long as it takes. It's important that I get my space for a bit and that I then don't feel left alone, but I know that it's hard to find the balance between the two.

    I do think that this take holds a lot of truth because for most women, this way they'll feel treated right. What you've written is loving and respectful, so I can't really disagree with anything :)
    • I appreciate your very kind words. What you obviously understand, and what others have failed to understand, is that I am not insisting that these observations apply to all women. Of course not. But this does describe the behavior of many women.

    • Yes. That's why I felt like adding my opinion, what you know is what you know and you didn't say anything that would justify causing a stir ;)

  • Hurlyburly
    Umm.. Not true for me 😅 I only say no to dessert when I'm already full or when nothing of them sounds good enough. I have about zero interest for flowers and when I say that everything is fine then it either really is or it's something really minor and I want to deal with it myself so there's no reason to panic.
    In conclusion, what a surprise, people are individuals 😅
  • devilish-cutie
    I mean:
    1. I wouldn't pass on dessert if i want one
    2. I dont actually like receving flowers like a romantic bouqet
    3. I usually say how it is which ends in men running away anyways
    • All women are not alike.

    • @OlderAndWiser Then why make a guide for women that treats them like they're all the same?

    • you got that right and thanks

    • Show All
  • whipitout
    Other than number 1, I totally agree 🤣 But number 1, I am 100% happy to acknowledge that I'd like dessert lol. Although, I'd usually prefer to leave the restaurant and go for a walk to get ice cream instead 😊
    • Yes, there is no generalization that applies to all women.

    • whipitout

      I don’t have the will power to deny myself dessert 😜🤣

  • GloriaMc
    Sorry number one is ridiculous, I myself don't need dessert during the night I normally have it in mid morning surely sugars are addictive but once in a blue moon won't hurt 😁, number 2 hahahaha flowers no but a flower plants yes so I can put in the garden especially if I like it number 3 oh no I say what I have to say we only live once so I guessed that woman you mentioned is in the movies.
    • Actually, I have known many such women, including some who are much younger than me. And if you read the other responses to this myTake, you will see that this is not something I fabricated.

    • GloriaMc

      Well I maybe strange or something else I don't know but I have to be me, anyway thanks

    • Not strange. I never said that every one of these applied to every woman.

  • Aakash_Hangargi
    Wow i think i am late to this post but it was a joy ride to read the comments.
    Learnt more about behaviour of girls. They are never satisfied and you missed out a point i guess girls are always right even if they are not right, and we must accept it. And also times have changed and I would like some traits to follow to impress the new age girls now days they aren't soft as they used to be and I really feel like I am an old soul..
    • It is usually rather easy to tell the difference between Miss Right and Miss Always Right! :) :) :)

    • Yes May be for you I guess because you are old and wiser, but I am still almost middle aged and no clue i guess😂😊

  • CubsterShura
    1. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but there are a few desserts that I LOVE and if I find it in the menu I'd definitely want it. But I'd be super hesitant, especially if he's paying. I really don't like the feeling of receiving everything all the time, it doesn't have much to do with being a fat cow. If we were splitting though, I'd be more likely to order it for myself. In fact, when I went to a makeup store with my boyfriend to buy some stuff for his mother, when he asked me if I wanted anything I said no even though I was running out of some essential/necessary products. I am just too shy to ask for anything.

    2. I wouldn't really dig the flowers. I don't like showing off and as superstitious and funny as it sounds, I believe in the 'evil eye'. I am not even very public about my relationships, only opened up about it with a few friends and they were already slandering and gossiping. Guess who will never get anymore info about my relationships ever again?

    3. True lol. I think it's just the agreeable nature of women that just makes us make this very lame attempt to avoid lashing out. Why we still do it despite knowing that it fails miserably everytime is a mystery.
  • yucychan
    For me, the first two are already wrong.
    If I go out on a dinner date, and if I want that dessert, I will say yes immediately. I will not go about pretending I don't want it but really want it. If my date thinks I am a fat cow because I love chocolate ice-cream, then go ahead. Who cares what he thinks.
    For the second point, I like flowers but not to be sent to my workplace. The flowers should be for me to admire only and not for anyone else to make wild guesses about my relationships.
    Thirdly, probably true half of the time. I try to speak my mind. If I don't agree with something, I'll prefer to say it out instead of pretending and say I'm fine.
    • I never suggested that these observations apply to all women. Obviously, you are different from other women. . . just like all the other women who made the same point. :) :) :)

  • Izumiblu
    You always somehow manage to make me feel like I’m... different

    im really not down for dessert. I love dessert I just don’t ever eat it at restaurants cuz I usually just ate dinner and I don’t feel like dessert usually. Dessert for me usually substitutes for meals. and if you insist on dessert I’ll play along and be polite unless I’m just not enjoying myself in which case I’ll just be like... nahhhh I need to go home and work or something

    flowers at work is a big no for me. You wanna irritate me, Send me flowers to work. When I was first dating my now husband. I dropped hints like.. yeah I don’t understand why people wanna get flowers at work. That’s freaking dumb and irritating I did that just so on the chance the thought ever occurred to him I wouldn’t have to get mad at him. Charming I know. But I liked him so I figured I was helping him along I Can live just fine without flowers ever. Instead of flowers uber over that dessert I didn’t want at dinner.
    • Yes, you are an exceptional woman!

    • @Izumiblu don't worry, you're not different for not fitting this very limited and inaccurate definition

    • Izumiblu

      @Insightfull I’m not worried. I’m just having a conversation with a gag friend

    • Show All
  • sejla
    Too funny.
    Sweet about the sweets. Sounds like a good plan. I've heard that men really like women who aren't afraid to eat in front of them.

    When I say no to dessert it is usually because I can't eat any of the desserts. Give me a sliced apple and I'll be good.

    I think the flower thing is genius.

    The third I don't say anymore unless I really mean it because I've tried to leave my passive aggressive tendencies behind.
  • I disagree with number 1. I agree with number two and three.
    But overall, I don't think all three points makes you anywhere close to being an expert on women
    • 1. Number 1 may not apply to you but that doesn't mean that it does not apply to many other women.

      2. I agree with you; knowing these three points does not make me you anywhere close to being an expert on women. THAT is why I did not claim to be an expert on women. What I did say is "there are three things that I know about women and I will share with you these few nuggets." If I claimed elsewhere to be an expert on women, please let me know. Otherwise, we can all assume that you have slain a dragon which did not exist.

    • nelly83

      Number 1 does not apply to most taken women in general. It doesn’t even apply to me.

    • You have extensive experience dating women?

    • Show All
  • MissDawn7961
    all women are not alike and whoever thinks we are needs to grow up or go back to kindergarten ! Thanks
    • Apparently, you have misinterpreted what I wrote. I NEVER said that all women are alike.

      * * *

      4. And many women will make a point of telling you that they are not like other women.

    • Oh, that's just something women say!

    • Yeah, they do misinterpret quite a bit don't they? 😉

  • hahaha the dessert one! except im the fat cow that orders dessert all the time😂
  • ghostfacesoldier
    I agree on the most part. Though for desert I usually am full and say no because I don’t want to feel sick from eating too much. But maybe just an “are you sure?” Or “maybe we can get it to takeaway?” is a nice to hear and is a little thing that shows they care.

    For the flowers, personally I don’t like gestures like that in front of others but that may just be biased because of my work place.

    And for the “I’m fine” it honestly depends. For me 80% of the time, when I say I’m fine. I mean it but when others keep questioning my statement like I’m lying about being fine - when I am. Is when I start to get angry and annoyed by being doubted.
    • When a woman says everything is fine, that should probably be accepted at face value, but if she says, “everything is FINE!,” and there is a tiny pause between "is" and "FINE!,” that is when a guy needs to grab his shit and git.

    • Well, if you won't tell me why, you're not allowed to be mad at me :)

    • Another good reason to take 0 guesses. @ghostfacesoldier means it when she says nothing's wrong

  • Rocky_Jocky57
    Awww. I'm surprised she'd want a dessert with you! By how sweet you sound lol
  • 1828avaava1828
    I like fighting in an octagon. I’m an anomaly 😞 😠 🥊 😊 🤗
    • You don't really look like a fighter! :) :) :)

    • And EVERY woman is an anomaly!

    • 😮 😜 😊 lol I’m little but mighty

    • Show All
  • Twalli
    I send my girlfriend flowers on Valentine's Day every year. This year and last year they were on a weekday so I had them delivered to her work. She loved it.
  • Unit1
    Pretty good the first 2.

    what i know about women:
    social media is their equivalent of what video games are to us.
    if you're a man and you're not on there, you basically don't exist for at least most of them. Until they somehow start seeing you by the 30s perhaps.
  • ChiTown33
    Lol @ 2. This is so true! And come around special days like V Day. They get ultra competitive. This one woman i worked with got a bouquet of flowers from her man and she was loving all the admiration she was getting from her fellow female co workers... until! One of them got a bouquet almost twice that size from their man. She went from all smiles to " that cheap bastard" in nothing flat. Lmao
  • lightbulb27
    That's all TRUTH.

    1. don't believe what they say, because they are affraid of being honest
    2. make it known socially she is admired
    3. FINE means she is really really mad.
  • J2ohhhhh
    Me: ordering desert instead of food, than order two more brownies and a chocolate fudge cake with ice-cream as desert. If that won't make a woman comfortable to eat around me, I'm sorry, but number 3 applies.
  • Jack9949
    I enjoyed reading this. However I’ve heard that most women would just laugh in your face if you gave them flowers nowadays. 😔
  • TheFirstMan
    U have a great experience back there, hopefully I got a gut for a woman😂... Eventually, my every sec try to court a girl, I been rejected, maybe cause I'm overdo and my type was overqualified my standards 🤣🤣... But it was naughty moment... Seriously, just a few times. Fortunately I got a bad one every time🤣🤣
  • thejoker2o
    in my view Valentine's day is just a celebration and anniversary of the Valentine's day massacre that happened in the
    • In the past

    • But to each their own Valentine's day is just a normal everyday regular day to me but it is an anniversary and celebration of an historical event that happened

    • On this day

    • Show All
  • Ninjazzed
    Hint: “Everything is fine” usually implies that she’s either wanting you to comfort her or it’s sorta like a “leave me alone, I’ll do it myself” sort of attitude.. for me it’s the latter lol
    • I see the second one to be very common with females.
      Has anyone ever gotten through it and was able to help?

    • Ninjazzed

      @Syrian_survivor Of course lol I don't know how it works for guys but eventually yeah

    • Is it non-creepy persistance that gets you to open up?
      Like you'd tell a guy you're fine for the first couple of times and "reject him" but after that you start feeling more comfortable because he's still there and trying?

    • Show All
  • gabster9000
    Honestly, he's got it down. Most women would deny the third one, but I think that's incredibly accurate.
  • Insightfull
    Hhahahhahahaha I saw the title and clicked this expecting to see a blank post and was not disappointed! hahaha well played sir!
    Ok I'm going to read it now
    • But seriously though. I actually understand women better than I understand men, so here goes:

      1)
      The reason she is saying that she doesn't want desert might be because she doesn't want to spend your money (which is a noble trait in a woman and should make you feel good about her), or she doesn't want to appear to be a woman who is going to pig out and get fat, but it's probably the former.
      Your responses to make her feel comfortable ordering desert seem solid.

      Side note: I realize you didn't intend this, but that shadowy picture of a woman with "NO" on her hand with the caption "don't believe it" sends the wrong message. It sounds like sex... and that's rapey, but I realize that you didn't intend to send that message and I'm not calling you a rapist. Just know that a woman might very well interpret that in that way.

      2)
      Correct "she has increased her standing among the other ladies. And she is happy!"
      A man has cared enough about her to send this to her and that makes her look good.

      3)
      I have learned to take 0 guesses because it will only make things worse as I come up with all the things that she might be mad at me for that she didn't realize that she should be haha. ohh...
      I try to create a space for her to feel comfortable telling me what is wrong, but if she doesn't then, well, I have a saying:
      If you're not going to tell me why, then you're not allowed to be mad at me :P

      As an aside, there is no 3 things to know about women. There aren't 10,000. There's millions. And every woman is different, but there are lots of patterns.. I don't know everything and I never will. Nobody will.. but that's ok. Getting to know each individual is part of the fun

  • errorgoodnameunfound
    Not on topic, but I sure hope you aren't "pro free speech" cause I got blocked by one or more of your buddies on that abortion stuff. Can we agree NOT to be a bunch of cowardly commies here? Thanks.
    • Are you suggesting that I am a cowardly commie?

    • Not you, cause apparently, you at least are not the one that blocked. But one or more of your "pro life" friends seem to be, so may want to reevaluate that.

  • zagor
    I don't want her leaving the restaurant stuffed. I would assume that, like me, eating too much leaves her in no mood for physical activity, of any sort.
  • blutwolfe
    good points, the dessert one kinda falls in line from my experience of sometimes she says the opposite of what she wants. Like if she says she's fine, she's not really she's got something bothering her.

    kinda how guys and girls communicate different, guys say and take things at face value where as girls don't say things at face value.

    and the flowers thing, I haven't met any girls that like flowers these days, but bringing them food or that starbucks would have the same affect I assume these days
  • MannySimms
    Yes indeed, and thanks for sharing this with the kids on the site. A kid is anyone under 40. "... she will HELP you by eating some of YOUR dessert." Some? I never saw that. Most? Oh, yeah.
  • SimpleRhubarb
    I think the dessert one is so funny! Portions are so huge (in America) that I’m always too stuffed for dessert. Even if I weren’t, it’s an extra cost.
  • I'm pretty late for this my take, but I loved every second of reading it!
  • TonyBologna25
    Always putting out good content. Thanks for the post.
  • Texaskid1
    Here is everything I know about women:

    They are all bat shit crazy.
  • Meropatrick
    Hahhaha cool stuff bro😂
    I learned in my humble 18 years that women love being admired She want to be the most beautiful girl in the room, and when another women is prettier than her then she deserves capital punishment. And this girl must be removed from her sight at any cost.
    -there are things that are BIG deal for women that guys barely notice.. Women are very smart when it comes to social relationships they use it as a weapon.
    -girls watch men from the side of their eyes, she acts as if she ignores me and that i dont exist. But when i stare at a girl who is much prettier than her in awe immediately she starts staring at the girl too ( guys, girls watches us as well but subtly )
    she might even start dressing like that girl.

    -girls are very aware of their surroundings, they know when the guys stares at them on a train. She heard that comment, catcall, and she keeps pretending that she is not aware of what happened
    • kim45456

      What kind of whore are you? Is that an open relationship or why tf are you staring and givin attention to other women? If i was your girlfriend, i would dump you or go for hotter guys and flirts with them a matter of principle, because you do that too. Do also dress like other hotter men, your girlfriend like?

  • Likes2drive
    Yeah all true, and pretty good move with the dessert though, I’ll try to remember that one 👍
  • rubyrose83
    I think you're spot on! Nicely done. Happy birthday! 🎂
  • arabgoddess
    Firstly happy birthday..
    And secondly, unfortunately I'm not one of those girls 😬😬😬
  • stormbreaker06
    everything I KNOW ABOUT WOMEN: they don't want me and they ruin lives.
  • james2018dean
    I think you're right about these points.
    I've noticed and used them also.
  • Alex_988_2
    i didn't get the last part. anyone can explain, ladies?
  • The_Flower_Boy_
    Ok boomer
  • Jamie05rhs
    I like your dessert idea. I think it's very clever. But I will probably choose not to utilize it, since I am a proponent of healthy eating.
  • Liam_Hayden
    Everything deep - beyond the obvious - that I actually know about women is contained between the following brackets. [ ]
  • Zoi02
    Valentines Day is anniversary of the massacre.
  • Lynx122
    You really are very wise :)
  • SarahsSummer
    Lol. Good stuff. Fun.
  • spartan55
    Sage advice as always sir!
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