I recently “celebrated” my 65th birthday, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and this myTake will tell you everything I know about women. Absolutely everything!
Seriously, there are three things that I know about women and I will share with you these few nuggets gleaned from approximately fifty years of dating, engagement, marriage, divorce, and my miscellaneous observations of the female species.
1. When you take a woman to dinner, the waiter will eventually come to the table and ask if you are interested in dessert. Almost every woman I have ever met will quickly and reflexively say “no!” Don’t believe it!
Women want that dessert that they read about when they were supposed to be reviewing the entree choices. BUT . . . they are afraid that if they admit they want dessert, it will lead you to conclude that they are a fat cow in disguise, unworthy of dating, and they will never see you again. So they say, “no,” but they damned sure want that dessert!
You can score major points by diplomatically saying, “Ya know, I’d kinda like some dessert,” and then you pause . . . for effect . . . and continue, “would you be willing to share a dessert with me?” With that simple statement, you have transformed this matter. Instead of her yielding to her secret cow temptations, she is now going to do you a favor – and only because you asked – and she will HELP you by eating some of YOUR dessert.
So, then, you coyly ask, “what on the dessert menu looks good to you?” She already knows the answer because she was reading about it and salivating thirty minutes ago, but she will pretend to review the dessert menu before telling you that the Triple Chocolate Brownie Chocolate Ice Cream Cake With Ganache, Served With A Chocolate Fork sounds “interesting.”
So you order it, she eats two-thirds of it, and she leaves the restaurant stuffed but happy . . . and you have established what a fun guy you are to have as a dinner companion.
2. If you are sending her flowers for any occasion, she will dig it, but... if you send those flowers to her place of employment, you will score many more points with her.
When she gets called on the intercom to come to the receptionist’s desk, and she sees those flowers, she will immediately consult the female onboard version of MapQuest. That is the version which tells her the route back to her desk which will allow her to be seen by the greatest number of her female co-workers. When she passes by them, carrying those flowers, she will have that look that says, “Oh girls! Look what my man sent ME!”
Later, when she hears those jealous hens at lunch saying, “Oh, she must have been very good last night!” and another hen interjects, “or she must have been very, very bad!” and they all giggle, she may pretend to be embarrassed but she knows she has increased her standing among the other ladies. And she is happy!
3. If she says, “everything is FINE!,” you need to grab your shit and git.
THE END. Really, I mean it this time!