We have a new female colleague, who started last month working at our company. She‘s closed off and mostly alone does her job and interacts with us professionally but nothing more and likes to spend her time eating alone during lunch or doing something else in solitude. I was first very impressed by her attitude of not being afraid to stay by herself and I must admit that I‘m quite attracted to her since she‘s beautiful. However after a while, her solitude became a bit concerning, since she doesn‘t want to form any relationships with us and some of us are even a bit offended by that. I wanted to ask her for a „date“, means going out for a coffee during lunch but she declined (politely). I was sad and a bit dissapointed and talked to one of my close colleagues who said, that another male colleague also asked her and she declined. He said also that she doesn‘t have a boyfriend/fiancé/husband and that she said to hin that men have to high expectations that she can‘t reach and that she therefore wants to stay alone. I don‘t get how such a beautiful woman can say that she‘s not good enough for men‘s expectations. For me she‘s a dream come true … Why do many women think like this? And what can I do to win her heart?
I think it just comes down to personality and past experience. I can say I am exactly like her extremely introverted and just rather be by myself as it brings me the most comfort (but I am currently trying to break out of that habit). But it usually has to do with her past, for example for me, I was always alone growing up, not that many friends, didn't talk much, and the people that I did let in always ended up hurting me. Women in my life have hurt me as well to the point where I just rather be alone. The best way to approach this I would say is get to know her, not by asking her out but with random conversations here and there that are interesting to her, once you get her to start talking more she will start to become more comfortable with you and start being more open, people would rather protect their peace before letting someone ruin it for them. (Also note: just because she is like this that doesn't mean she is the person you think she is, just because she is beautiful that doesn't mean she will be perfect for you, some people come with a lot of baggage and when someone tries to take that on and realize they are not capable of handling that you leave that person to worst off, hence why she said "she's not good enough for men's expectation")
Yeah I can see why she’s partly like that, she’s been there a month and had at least two guys hitting on her.
She likely has things going on personal life or even current job.
Its about being friendly, chatty while doing work stuff, not being a person who is going to hit on her when she least expects it.
it can take some people time to adjust into a new work environment, especially if getting hit on, also there is team dynamics if she is not getting on 100% with the other people in her team.
also a lot of people like having ME time at lunch time, breaks etc, it gives you a chance to relax and replay work done and work to do, also to disconnect from work.
I am not so attractive, but this is what I have heard from a friend who fits a similar tier of 'attractiveness'. This is one experience and may not translate.
When you are so beautiful, men want to possess you sexually and socially, and yet they respect you as much as a designer pet at the same time.
Meaning, men are attracted to you AND they are quick to want to be your boyfriend in public. But when you disagree, they don't actively listen to you. They think that you being angry is 'cute', and they don't take your wants and needs seriously because they are so infatuated with your beauty (as if they just chugged Nyquil) and the realization that they 'attained it'.
Continuing with the pet analogy, the only way you can really get someone to see you outside of their ideals of you, is to 'act out' or be disagreeable. Like some people get mad at dogs, the boyfriend gets mad at the girlfriend. She still doesn't feel seen or heard, because he is quick to console himself with her beauty once again.
So yes, typically in this scenario, she hates when men compliment her on her beauty, because it is the very reason she does not feel seen as a person.
So basically.. The problem is that men are perceiving her as a beauti figure than human?
I think I get your point (your friend's point) but if behaving like the girl mentioned in the question is one way of her showing her "non ideal" side which pushes people away, isn't she getting the same result as being beautiful and treated like a beauty doll: isolation...
There could be so many reasons for this. Some examples:
She's shy; has social anxiety
Depressed; going through a hard time right now in her personal life
She's just not a person who feels at all comfortable starting a new job and she needs time to acclimatize (which is insecurity, but something she might get over eventually)
She's antisocial (which could be seen by her equal avoidance of females as well)
She's gone through bad relationships (at least, by her estimation) and she's in a total avoidance phase with all men; she knows men's primary, or most common, interest in here is at first attraction, and she just doesn't want to get into that, go down that path. "Let's be friends" might be a lie. They're just biding time until they can get her into bed. (You two really shouldn't be asking her out for dates already. But "Let's get coffee" is innocent enough, I guess. It's a ruse, but is also light and friendly enough.)
Maybe she'll never get over this. She could have crippling anxiety, or social anxiety, and she has no commitment to tackle it. If so, it's going to be an awkward work environment for the rest of you, sorry.
Some people go to work to actually work. If it was supposed be fun, they wouldn't call it work. Right? I have to come to her defense on this. Why did you have to ask her out for coffee and try to get to know her? Obviously you aren't reading her body language correctly. She is showing everyone she likes to keep to herself and there is no crime in that. It is not against the law to keep to yourself. It's because she is beautiful and it makes you horny to look at her. Plus guys like the chase, but when the chase is over, the guy looses interest in her. People at work should just leave her alone and let her do the job she is being paid to do. You sound like one of those college frat boys and want her to party with y'all.
There may be several reasons. In her past, she may have been told many harsh things by someone she might have loved. This can pose a huge problem, because it seems like she is not willing to trust anyone now. May be you should start leaving anonymous notes telling her things that are genuine and true. You could tell her she is beautiful, but may be more about her as a personality. Just little notes of encouragement could work as well. It's just an idea, but maybe it could work. Don't give up. Anyone worth loving is also worth fighting for!
If you want to be involved with her romantically I’d try being her friend first. She seems like she’s been hurt in the past so if I were you I’d generally just be her friend and see what happens. It’s also a new working environment and she’s getting used to people, she may take longer than others to build relationships
she sounds like me because everytime i interact with co workers in the job it backfires on me so now at jobs i dont tell anyone my personal business, i eat alone, etc. not saying my reason is her reason but its possible because humans are so disappointing. also i dont date because I've ran into men with high expectations that drained me like one ex demanded a wear matching bra and panties everyday and my pjs with words on them I've been policed in every rs i ever been in with a man but i am not beautiful just simple and average. anways just consider thats you never know what a person has been through there's a reason for everything
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Anonymous
(18-24)
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As other girls said, I think she could have been hurt and is still dealing with that. I'm going through the same thing I think she might be going through, even if I want to be with someone some times, I end up choosing to stay alone. Try to win her trust first, saying hi every morning asking her how she's that day, maybe buy her a coffee and take it to her desk, don't drown her in compliments, go slow, be kind.
there could be many reasons for this. she could just be an introvert, but i think that most likely this is because of a past relationship where she was seriously hurt and isn't ready to form a bond with anyone yet
Probably wants to keep work life and professional life separate. Kinda like what I do, I don’t social with coworker nor do I try too. Many weird experiences in which usually end up in gossip. Not worth my peace of mind.
She’s obviously been hurt very badly. Don’t close off to her, just be friendly. She’ll come around when she trusts all of you. I wouldn’t expect more than a respectful working relationship.
