My girlfriend compares me to her ex all the time, how should I respond?

[rcpc3333]

I've been dating my current girlfriend for 2 months, but we've known each other for a long time and are very close for more than a year. I love her a lot more than I mention here, but she keeps comparing me to her ex whenever there's even the slightest of discomfort in situations, and it really hurts me.

She was angry at a situation where I was not able to help her, where I had done everything possible in my capacity to help her out, she started going on about her ex and how he would've done anything for her, that she could rely on him anytime but she can't rely on me, and he would've got her out of the situation. It was just a bad day for her and there's nothing that she or anyone could've done to help there, so I tried remaining calm, gave her some space to calm down then talk things through. But even the next day when I tried talking to her about that she still went on about her ex, and how she can't rely on me.

I've always gone out of my way to help her through things and have always been there for her. She doesn't appreciate my effort, and makes excuses like my ex did so many things, he put in so much effort, why can't you. (Truth be told her ex was a crybaby who clinged on to her all the time, with no life of his own, and would cry when she was spending a minute away from him, that being the reason for her to leave him).

I really like her and I don't want to fight or breakup over this issue. How should I deal with this? How should I react whenever this happens again, and what should I change?

Any help is appreciated. Thank you :)

[nitsuj86]

This woman does not love you. Not the way you love her at least. Or she would never be making these comparisons known to you. Doing it in your head is different than openly telling your partner.

And you put up with it, which makes her respect you even less. You need to stand up for yourself.

I would sit her down and talk to her, not just wait for the next time it happens, because then she will have her emotions involved. Tell her, I don't like when you say these things. I'm not your ex, you are with me, if you want to be with him, then leave. But if you are here to stay with me, then you need to keep these comments to yourself.

IF it happens again or before the talk. I would say the same thing actually. I was tempted to have you return the sentiment. Tell her the things your ex did better, but then you are just as bad. Tell her to stop or leave. Be serious, and ready for her to leave.

Honestly, you sound like a rebound for her. And she isn't over her ex yet. I would be prepared to walk away from this. It is the only way she will respect you.

[nitsuj86]

If you want to be petty. Just start bringing up your ex. Tell her something funny your ex did, something nice, something sexual that you have never done with her, and see how fast the tables turn... lol. Not healthy and won't solve anything, but might feel good. I would just dump her.

[rcpc3333]

I don't think returning the sentiment is going to solve the issue, it's just hurting someone back because you're getting hurt.
She doesn't listen when she's angry and it usually takes a long time for her to cool down. I tend to go back to the problem and talk about it calmly, but after such long time the issue seems petty and I seem in the wrong to bring it back up.

[nitsuj86]

It might be petty, but sometimes people don't recognize the issue, until you do the same thing to them. If you aren't gonna stand up for yourself, or return the favor, then you should just leave. Doesn't sound like you are that invested anymore.

[The1honestguy]

If it were me that she was doing that too I would just turn around and walk and never speak to her again because there’s no way you can compare me and judge me to the next person because if she talks about the ex or whatever she’s doing then tell her ass to get back with him because you’re not doing with it and it’s been actually better just her and walk out the door not say a word and just do is leave her there and let her think about what she just lost and what she’s over there comparing you to you cannot deal with negative people like that with her is male or female. Why waste your time your own prices time or something like that when you can take that time and be spending it with somebody much better

[BirdieBeep]

Honestly? That's extremely disrespectful and nasty behaviour on her part. I would ask her why exactly did she leave her ex if he was seemingly so perfect? And why the hell should you aspire to be like a man she dumped? If she wanted another man like her ex, she wouldn't have dumped her ex, plain and simple. And you are your own person, not her ex, not her toy. She can't pick and choose traits she likes out of random men and mold them into her perfect guy, that's not how it works. If I were in such a situation with my partner, I'd literally tell them to either stop, or go back to the ex.

[supercutebutt]

You should respond by inviting the gentleman over for a spit-roasting session of your girlfriend. It's really the only way to tell who is best. Because what you will do with him is switch up by taking turns on each end of the girlfriend so she can best gauge who has the best technique between the two of you IN THE MOMENT. Going by memory can't be trusted. Ask any expert. Good luck! :)
https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/why-we-cant-trust-our-memories

[The1honestguy]

Yes there are more memories that I can be telling my partner about and compared to me. She is not stupid lol and you know what I mean about the know who is better for which hole to be both. You have to be honest and if he was better than that is how she feels. Unless she wants to cuckold him with the ex. I think that is a good probability actually saying that. You have a thought about her wanting to make sure he doesn't have any questions when you are never going to let him know until if she has it her way

[Diodoro]

Tell her with a store in town, don't compare me to your ex. Or tell her out right I don't give a damn about what your ex did. Or go more negative and say, and then you guys broke up.

I don't recommend the last one lol. But my endpoint is to say that she should know from the beginning that comparing you to her ex at all will not end well for her. Like it shouldn't even be happening

And if there is any comparison at all it should be her complimenting you for how you were so much better. But if it's even remotely negative she should know deep down it won't end well for her

That only happens if she feels negative emotions when she does it. And then she feels comfortable doing this, which is just a form of pushing you around emotionally.

It's on you to be more aggressive in your communication with her.

[Diodoro]

TLDR;

Stand up for yourself and don't let a girl play with your emotions

[Diodoro]

With a stern voice * lol store in town

[Aethereal]

The Way I see it, she only broke up with her ex because he was too clingy for her. She liked that he had no life of his own and gave all his time to her though. She is disappointed to learn that you, who have a life of your own, cannot go to the lengths her ex did for her. She basically wants the devotion her ex gave her with the freedom you give her.

If she does not give you the kind of devotion she wants from you, she has no right to expect it. Comparing you to her ex is very disrespectful. I think you should communicate that this is upsetting you. That is the first step to resolving any issue.

[mobiusforniner]

Your call. This girl is high maintenance and a continued relationship will require a delicate and sensitive approach. you're approaching her as most men would- by solving her problems. But you gotta remember women dont necessarily want someone to solve their problems. Sure, they want someone capable, but they also want someone sensitive and who is a good listener. you're not listening buddy and she's making that clear. You say her ex is a big cry baby. Maybe he was just more sensitive and understanding, something you're not picking up. Relationships take work and change. Sometimes that change starts with you.

[CallmeTheKnight]

If the ex was so good to her, why is he not with her? He didn't want her and got tired of her crap. What responsible adult needs help all the time.. You see it for yourself, she's basically useless without someone around and with you trying to help her is not gonna make things better.
The audacity to bring up an ex through comparison only shows that she has baggage. She doesn't love you as much as you love her.

If it was me, I'd dump her and tell her to go find that ex she loves so much.

[Anonymous]

What’s the point? You’re with a girl who is blatantly disrespecting and manipulating you, but you don’t wanna “fight” or break up. You can’t assert yourself in a relationship unless you’re willing to do either of those things, t not with this type of girl. Having a conversation about feelings will only make this type of girl respect you less, and do this shit more, especially when she knows you’re not gonna do anything about it.

Basically you’ve gotta be willing to leave if she doesn’t stop otherwise she’ll always have you by the balls.

[Anonymous]

You sound very weak. You've only been together 2 months and you said you love her more than you can say. You can't love anyone from dating 2 months and certainly not with that amount of intensity. You're in love with the idea of being in love. You're a lonely guy. Also, you won't change, she'll continue to do worse to you until she eventually cheats on you because you're weak, she knows it and she's still in love with her ex. She has you by the balls, and you are oblivious to do anything about it.

[TheFlak38]

typical female behaviour. this is her way of turning you into a circus animal jumping through her hoops. She's bombarding you with all her irrational stupid demands and then screeches autistically if you don't serve her vagina well enough. Before you realise it you'll be a total slave to her and in the end she will dump you anyway because she is a stupid bitch to begin with and because you fail to pass her shit tests. Best thing you can do is to dump her now and dump her fast. Just walk away and let her cry a river. Stupid bitch.

[SkyCastle90]

She's manipulative, and trying to mold you into the type of man she wants by gaslighting you.

Do a pro and cons list on why you like this girl, and how this relationship is currently helping you become a better person. Don't do, "Well, once we overcome this, it'll get better," shit; focus on the present. You got to sit down with yourself and be honest. Do YOU deserve this kind of treatment? Yes or no.

[Flower7]

Excellent advice. It’s always best to judge a relationship by what’s going on at that time, instead of how it could be.

[Siren777]

Unfortunately this will always be an issue until you resolve it with her. It seems like she is still in love with her ex. If she is not willing to stop, then you need to move on and she can go back to her ex instead since he is all she talks about. Letting her know that it hurts you and she continues to do this just makes things worse for you. It would be pointless to make things work when it's YOU, and only YOU that's making shit work. Be with someone who will appreciate you.

[Moose304]

You nailed it! This girl is still in love with the ex. This ex still has her mind. Male or female, this is a dangerous situation. There is a reason this person is an ex. Later on, that reason may get resolved, when it does you will find them GONE! I am almost 64, you are in your late 20s. I think both of us see through this. This asker is 20. No telling the age of the girlfriend. It's sad, but I suspect this relationship will in fact implode soon!

[tzdc21]

You tell her to knock it off with the comparisons. It's a big mistake to compare your current SO to your ex, so she should know better than to do that. And if she refuses to comply, then you gotta break up with her. Do not disrespect yourself by staying with someone who clearly doesn't care about you as much as you care about her.

[TheorionMage]

If her Ex- was SO wonderful, 'why' is he her Ex-?

NOTHING is holding her to "SUCH a disappointing relationship" at YOUR side,
remind her... being with HER isn't YOUR wettest dream EITHER!
NO ONE is 'irreplaceable'---- She'll be the type who wonders 'why' her boyfriends cheat!

[honeynut-scenarios]

She compares you? That’s so wrong. Next time she brings him up, firmly tell her that you’re not him, and you don’t want to hear about him anymore. She shouldn’t be nitpicking you anyways. That’s obnoxious by itself, and I’m sure she has other things to work on.

[Alwayreckles93]

If you were my little brother your girlfriend would have to get ready to loose her LIFE! I would send her to the hospital. Your girlfriend would loose her hair teeth and a broken nose. Your girlfriend is a awful human selfish and she only cares about her selfs in her world is all Me memememem. Why does she needs you 24 /7 what is she 5? Best thing to do is break up with her.

[MrNameless]

You need to have a serious conversation about her and tell her that for one you are the doing the best you can, and two that you don't like being compared to her ex.

Usually when someone keeps mentioning their ex, they haven't gotten over them.

If you're tried your best and she still keeps bringing up her ex when you confronted her about it, I would leave. Because its not worth staying in a toxic relationship... especially if she still has feelings for her ex.

[RobT312]

That sucks! Are u sure u want to be with her? I personally don’t think I could live like that.
she needs to like you for you. Sounds like she’s not over her ex yet. You should talk to her, confront the situation if you want to stay with her. Maybe talking about it will make her stop, Or challenge her when she says it again... it’s bs dude.

[IMuser]

Bro: without any second feelings LEAVE THE GIRL. You and every single guy deserves a woman who does not compare them to their ex and other people in their life. I know how it feels to be compared and trust me, i would rather be single and virgin than be with a woman like her. That shit hurts.

[SecretGardenBlood65]

take that girl and say it in front of you. look beautiful! I'm not your ex. I like you but it hurts my heart that you act like this. If you do it this way, you'll drive me away from you. You should also say that if your ex-boyfriend was a good person, he would to be with you now and maybe you would be married to him.

[IamAdonis]

Obviously she is not ‘over’ her ex!!

As you are ‘The Current Man’, she has you to expect. So, the next time she gets upset and starts ranting about her ex, you only need repeat to her: “I’m not him” .. “I’m not him” …

If she really wants what he had to offer … yeah..

[jshm2]

Lets be honest. She's either bullshitting, or gaslighting and both are red flags.

Maybe even go and encounter her ex, see for yourself what type he was. It may be she was the reason for the breakup and he just didn't want the drama anymore.

Whether girlfriends or employees, when they start with the "but my ex would do X" the autoresponder should always be, But I am not X, and neither are you still there, get it together, and stop living in the past."

[dustybiker]

Ask for a conversation, say no judgement. Be kind. You can’t read each others minds. You both have to learn how to share and listen.