Am I overthinking or have I been used again?

[Anonymous]

So tldr I've been friends with this guys for years we met at uni and basically years ago I was very naive and I became his booty call (I honestly thought he liked me but he just want sex) fast forward its been 6 years since that happened and we've grown closer again we agreed to meet. He would constantly message me with good morning texts talk to non stop tell me he was planning on taking me on dates, honestly it sounded like he was falling for me. I suffer with depression and anxiety and find it hard to trust people so in my head it sounded all fake but I still went with the flow we met up went out to the arcade chatted and he came to my house which lead to us having sex after that incident he's not messaged me much he will say hello now and again. Am I overthinking due to my anxiety or did he just use me for sex again. If so I want to kinda call him out and cut ties with him. Oh forgot to mention before meeting up I made it clear that I don't want to have the same thing happen he said he wants a possible relationship out of this and he won't make the same mistake again. I feel like he could be busy due to work and I'm just panicking over nothing.

[Anonymous]

I could be wrong but sounds as though it was strictly sex. If a man is excited about a girl he met he’s going to make every effort to make sure he keeps her attention. I remember when I was in the military, deployed to the Middle East. I always got up around 3 am to message a girl for an hour or two back here in the states that I really liked. I finally realized she had an interest in me as well so I’d wake up even if it meant losing sleep just to converse w her for a while. I mean honestly I’d you were serious about that you sure didn’t show it by giving it up that quick again. Trust me he isn’t busy 24 hours a day to not respond. He could have said sorry it’s crazy right now, please give me sometime to respond I’m just flooded right now. That would have at least out you at ease a little. But trust me if it’s something new for a man he will make every effort to be w her, message her, call, etc. You sleeping w him right away just reinforced the fact that he still has you wrapped around his finger to get you to give him what he wants.

[Asker]

You are right thanks

[SteveSmith1985]

Could you please tell me how long ago it was that you two had sex? and he's seemed 'busy' (I want to make sure I give you as accurate an answer as possible)

[Asker]

We met up just about 2 weeks ago so since then he's been kinda on and off. He mentioned work was annoying but before we met up he had a lot of work and still found time to text me constantly which is throwing me off a little

[SteveSmith1985]

(just a heads-up, this is going to be a multi-part answer because of GAG word limit)

I can't remember the last time I found it so heart wrenching to give someone an honest reply. I end up telling people they're being cheated-on; or that their partner is abusive; or that they have no shot with the person they're in love with... and need to move on.

Your situation. Bothers me. It upsets me. I have a very strong emotional reaction to this situation. I'm not sure what exactly it is about this, that strikes a nerve with me.

I hate to have to say it, but it seems like you might have been used again.

I want SO BADLY to be wrong about that.

But I've read this question a hundred times, thought a lot about it, and I can't come to any other conclusion.

The thing I'm having trouble getting my head around, is the extreme cruelty with which this guy treated. you.

Ok, let me back up a bit.

[SteveSmith1985]

So, basically, he was VERY aware of having hurt you in the past. He was specifically made aware that you did not want 'just sex'... and did not want to get hurt like you were hurt 6 years ago. He reassures you. He tells you he's looking at this as a hopeful relationship. You two have sex after a date.

[SteveSmith1985]

HE KNOWS GODDAMN-WELL that it's extremely important that he NOT hurt you by doing to you, what he did to you 6 years ago.

HE KNOWS that he NEEDS to follow-up the sex you just had... with assurances that he is indeed interested in you for more than sex. HE is well aware how you are going to feel/see it, if he has sex, and then is distant and busy.

He owed it to you to follow-up sex by MAKING A POINT to reassure you that he didn't just use you.

In other words, he knows damn-well that his being 'busy' or acting distant is going to make you feel used. So by choosing not to say anything about a relationship, or the future, or anything after having sex with you, he KNOWS how you're going to interpret that. So if he DID want to pursue something like a relationship with you... he would MAKE SURE he wasn't too busy for you. No matter what's going on in his work or life.

You had every right to EXPECT him to take the initiative towards moving things forward relationship-wise after having sex with you. You shouldn't have to even 'chase after him' and do the reaching-out to have a conversation about moving things forward.

The sex you had came with certain promises. Not even implied promises... explicitly spoken, actual promises.

You said: "You really hurt me 6 years ago. I cannot go through that again".

[SteveSmith1985]

He said "Don't worry, this is completely different. I AM interested in pursuing something meaningful with you" And then proceeded to ACT LIKE HE MEANT IT in a million different ways. Then you two have sex... and now he hasn't addressed the situation for 2 weeks and seems busy.

There is... no excuse for that!

This is honestly way way beyond most situations of an asshole guy lying to a woman to get sex, or pretending they want more than they really do. This is way beyond an asshole-guy being an asshole. This is way beyond any sort of 'normal' scumbag-shit.

There is almost a psychopath quality to this.
I am under no illusions about how fucking awful some guys can be. I've seen guys do all manner of horrible things. Guys can be selfish. Some guys can do, and say all sorts of shit, just to get sex. They often don't give a shit who they hurt.

[SteveSmith1985]

But this is DIFFERENT. This is on another level.

I think that most scumbags and fucked-up guys who are terrible to women... wouldn't be able to do what this guy did to you.

I honestly think that guys who are totally the type to hurt women, and have no problem lying to get sex... wouldn't BE ABLE to do what this guy did.

There is a level of...(I donno)... cruelty in this. That goes way beyond normal asshole guys.

The fact that he hurt you in the past, and was made well aware of how he hurt you... makes his 'pretending' to want to be in a relationship with you... to get sex again... just so fucking awful! Calculated and just so cruel!

I'm not saying he IS a psychopath. I have no idea. But that's what it reminds me of.

The idea of not being able to feel empathy BUT BEING ABLE TO FAKE IT CONVINCINGLY coupled with... just how cruel it is to have done this to you after having done the same thing 6 years ago... is just so over-the-top awful, that I don't see how any human being who CAN feel any empathy could ever do this to somebody.

I'm starting to choke-on-my-own-rage here, at just how inexcusable it is for anyone to treat anyone else the way you were treated. So I'd better wrap-this up.

I hope you do call-him out. You have every reason to. What the fuck is this guy's problem? If he didn't want a relationship, how dare he fucking lie about that! After what he already did to you. But more than anything how could he have sex with you, if he didn't really want a relationship... after everything he already did to you. That's some psychopath shit. That's NOT an asshole guy being an asshole. Very few people are capable of being cruel like this.

I am really sorry. This is one of the most bald-faced-cruel things I've ever heard of in my whole life!

[Asker]

I read all your replies it makes me happy to know there's some good people out there I wrote him a lengthy paragraph about my feelings and everything and I actually feel worse he mentioned he was sorry but work was overwhelming which I understand as I work aswell but I snarkly replies back say " I understand but I still take 2 mins of my time to check up on the people I care about" he replied back getting annoyed about how he has to start the conversations first which yeah I kinda do let him start the convoys first. He expressed how annoyed he is that we've had the same conversation a couple of times and he wants me to start the conversations of first. What I do know about him is that he struggles to communicate that I know is very true but I feel like he somehow deflected my thoughts about being used or maybe I'm just insane. I would like to add I lost my virginity to him back when I was at university so it makes matters a lot harder for me. I truly liked him now as a friend he knows my trust issues and assured me he will do his upmost to make me happy

[SteveSmith1985]

He DID deflect you onto some unrelated side bullshit. He DID NOT address your legitimate concerns! You are NOT insane.

Would you be willing to DM me? I think we should have a chat. If not, that's fine. I'll continue here. Just let me know. 🙂

[Asker]

Yeah I don't mind I can dm you :)

[Asker]

Oh it says I can't dm I need to be a certain level or something

[CA4444]

You can try to ask him very direct questions and avoid blaming him? You can ask him if he lied to you, ask him if he likes you, if he sees a potential relationship with you, if he has only used you for sex etc. I mean people lie but not many people would lie to your face like that? If you really want to understand then also be ready for some hard truths (unless it has nothing to do with you).
If you’re anxious you probably need time for yourself, focusing on yourself and your goals ( not him) and on your boundaries and what you really want… just saying as I’m talking from my own experience lol. Maybe he’s not worth it lol and you just want a relationship… I mean do you see a strong future with him yourself?

[christinerose28]

Forget about him and move on you will find someone better trust me. He is no good he will just keep using u and he clearly dosent care.

[spartan55]

Yeah, pretty sure he used you again. Not sure why you would have sex with him the first time you saw him after he blew you off once before. You can call him out if you want. He won't care though.

[Asker]

This was the 3rd meeting actually forgot to write that bit first 2 meetings were soley public I only invited him back to my house to give him a Christmas card

[spartan55]

Fair enough. He is type of guy who will say anything to have sex.

[Asker]

That's what I was fearing God I'm so stupid

[spartan55]

I think that is the case because I used to be that guy in my 20's. He was an asshole.