Please, read these texts, tell me who is wrong?

[Anonymous]

Context : My friend and I are arguing, I feel like she's settiting higher expectations aswell as not taking this seriously. Below are 2 texts.

Me:"Okay so I know Ur busy and I know that u can't respond all the time. I also understand that u don't want deep convos all the time and I get that. However I can't be understanding to the point that I ignore how I feel. I feel that we do only talk when u have a college question or issue. I feel that when I speak about "chill" things that u don't want to ask me more. I know that everyone should priorize themselves but at the end of the day if everyone did and I'll use an example :like a road with a give way sign, if no one let the cars into the road and put others first then we would all be in a traffic jam. l think my point is that sometimes Ur too wrapped up in Ur stuff to be aware enough that other things are going on too. I think we do have polar opposite views and that we are at different stages. But it goes beyond that, you need to improve from the inside out too. I think my points are valid and that if I do make mistakes I own up to them, this isn't one of them. I think u need to reflect "

Her:"Like it is valid I haven't been saying they haven't been but I just say my views and how it think it's been a long time since I haven't been able to be who I am and just changed and I really like this me not being a kiss ass or scared to sac speak to someone. Like I'm Not to the point of not acknowledgingp ppls feelings it cuz I don't want to deal with it and don't care and domt hv the time to care or just don't care in general nothing personal I just don't atm but it's still valid. I don't think I hv set expectations like I've just been having convo with u like doesn't mean u hv to look into it deeply. Like nothing for me rn is deep and don't want to think about it. Like I haven't feel like it has changed and idm cuz I don't feel like anything has chnage and we can still just talk about anything literally idm"

Your wrong

She's wrong

Your both wrong

Neither of you are wrong

[SteveSmith1985]

So I put neither of you are wrong. Which is true, and I'll explain.

To be honest though, she is being the dummy. But I don't think she can help it.

Everything you said here is very fair. You are expressing how she's been making you feel, and some problems you've got with how you two have been relating to each other lately, and the nature of your friendship.

My advice would have been to write exactly the kind of message you wrote; if you had asked what you should do about how your friend is making you feel.

You wrote an honest account of how things seemed from your perspective, while trying to be as understanding as possible about the fact that she might be coming from a different place.

You presented things in a clear way, and what you were asking for is very fair. You feel like your friend is too wrapped up in herself which is resulting in her being a shitty friend to you. A shitty friend in some very basic ways. You're saying "i feel like you only talk to me when you need something" and "Your my friend, so I'd like to be able to have conversations with you that are deeper than surface-level."

What you wrote is essentially a detailed "I miss how close we used to be. What's changed. I really would like our old friendship back"

Your position is perfectly valid, reasonable, understandable, and I literally have nothing to criticize about anything you said. At all.

Her reaction, to be honest... is really surprising. It's not how I would expect most people to react if sent the message you sent her.

Now... her position is also valid. It's just... pretty repugnant.

I will give her credit though, for not fucking around. She was totally honest with you. Which is genuinely commendable. Many people wouldn't have been so honest even if they felt how she feels.

You made a reasonable case, asking for reasonable things anyone has a right to expect from their friends.

Usually, the reaction would be to hear your concerns, admit the truth of most if not all of them, and then work to try and help change at least some of the things you brought up in you're message.

Instead... what she replied, was a long version of:

"Look, I don't care. I'm good with everything the way it is. This is how I like it. I don't even think it's that different. In fact I'm more content now with how I am than ever before. And there's no reason we can't still talk about literally anything."

Which... is... surprising.

You two are at different places or at least at wanting fundamentally different things from your friends right now. What you're asking for seems normal and reasonable to me. You're friend sounds like someone who is not only not prepared to try and meet you half-way on ANY of what you said... she sees absolutely nothing wrong with anything you said. She's cool with things the way they are. You are very not cool with how they are.

You have certain expectations for a friend (reasonable and usual ones). She doesn't sound like she has a clue what a friend is. Or if she does, has no interest in being yours. Not beyond what you've got now... which you're trying to change unsuccessfully.

I'm afraid you're not goiung to be able to fix this. You're going to have to either settle for a friendship that includes all the things you complained about here... or just lose touch completely.

She has no interest in fixing this. She can't even understand that anything is broken. She thoroughly does't get it. And never will. She just... doesn't see "friendship" as being the same thing you do.

I was super confused about what you meant by HER setting expectations? I didn't understand that. This seems like you setting expectations, and her saying: "I won't change a thing". Am I missing something?

[Asker]

This is a brilliant response, and basically saying my thoughts outloud. I've had a difficult time on knowing if I was just crazy for wanting a close friendship or asking too much. Just to answer your question, I told her that she was setting false expectations, by saying she would like to call and then I responded 7 mins later and she didn't answer. When I thought this up she said I took too long to answer, I showed her the real time and she thought it was longer. Things like this have happened previously but she doesn't seem to want to take responsibility unless I can bring up multiple specific points, so I did and she had an answer for all it. But no matter her excuses I felt like she was setting unrealistic expectations. By the end of the argument I just wanted her to accept that and maybe try to improve on asking or telling me things impulsively that she wouldn't do later.

[SteveSmith1985]

Interesting... I couldn't see any of the fight about the expectations and how long it took who to get back to who. None of that came through to me (although I'm sure there are pieces of it there that I didn't pick up on)

To me, this sounded like something YOU initiated, because this girl was being (basically) a shitty friend lately. Things had changed and you were asking what the fuck? And she was saying "No, things are great. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm happy. It's all good".

I don't know how I ended up writting anything that made sense and missed the overall context so badly. I think what I said still holds though (unless I misunderstood more than I think even now). Beacause I think you were both basically saying what I thought you were saying. Just maybe I put it in the wrong context.

But this sounds like you WERE closer in the past, but aren't anymore.

As for whether you're asking for too much? That depends on whose definition of "too much."

By the generally agreed upon understanding of "friend" you are not asking for too much. (like actual real friend, not just the term for someone you know)

You are asking for real, actual friendship. Where you can have real-talks and are a part of each other's lives. People are not going to generally think you're asking too much of a friend.

[SteveSmith1985]

This other girl is on a whole other planet. She doesn't understand a friend to be the same thing you understand it to be. Your understanding is the usual one. She is getting "friend" and "aquaintance" confused. She wants an aquaintance. She is not prepared or maybe not able to offer you the kind of friendship you're asking her for. Which... is weird tbh... I've never really seen someone react the way she did to something like this. It's weird. But still, she seemed pretty clear about where she was coming from.

She is not willing to try and improve a damn thing. She doesn't believe there is any merrit to anything you raised here. She didn't seem to be willing to budge. What I got from her was very-much: "I'm good. I'm not changing anything. I'm happy this way. Aren't you? Common, we can talk about anything though"

It's weird.

But it sounds like you need to not try and ask more from this girl than she's willing/able to give. It's a matter of whether you keep her in your life on HER TERMS and be 'acquaintances' or whatever you are right now. Or if you decide to distance yourself even further than that. If I'm reading this right... she's just not looking to get closer.

[Asker]

Yeah the whole expectations paragraph k sent to her wouldn't fit on the post. I do feel that your right and that as long as she views friendships as acquaintances and doesn't take what I feel into account things won't change. She has even previously stated that I view it as more of a relationship, but I just think she is misreading what friendship really is, at least the definition I think of. Weve had similar conversations over the past 2 months on and off but last night was the first time I could articulate how I felt. Even so it feels like she always ends up blaming me for wanting too much of her when she is busy and I always explain how I don't care when she responds or how many times as long as she puts in the effort and seems interested.

I did intially bring this up with her, she wanted to play a game of online pool, so I agreed. We played one match but I couldn't text as well as play (on the same device) so I said I didn't want to play anymore. The she said she wanted to level up so she was gonna keep playing with others. I assumed her asking me meant the wanted to spend time interacting. When I told her that I thought we were going to talk and interact and that's why she asked some to play, this all started.

I'm beginning to accept that she may just be a acquaintance, but it is hard for me to let go, considering that a couple of months ago we used to talk everyday and regulary meet. I understand things change but I guess I just questioned how her definition of friendship could change that fast. It feels like when she's disinterested she drops you. I don't know how to approach the next couple of weeks, especially since we go to the same college but with only 3 months to go. Any advice would be appreciated.

[SteveSmith1985]

Jesus. You just sound like such a kind, reasonable girl. You are welcome to all the advice you want from me. I don't know if I'm going to be able to figure her out either... but I'll happily try.

Ok now, the change. THAT was the weird thing that I didn't at all understand, so just kinda "accepted as fact, without questioning"... but it doesn't fit. It doesn't fit any of this. Not at all.

I figured... well... maybe I was wrong about you having been as close as I was thinking you were before.

Because you are 100% right... if she WAS close to you before. If things used to be fundamentally different between you... and you DID AT ONE POINT have the kind of friendship you're now trying to get back to...

Then my theory: that this girl wouldn't know a real friendship from never having HAD a real friendship with someone... doesn't work.

I'm picturing a girl who doesn't really GET close to people. To anyone. She does this aquaintance-surface-level shit... because to her, that's what friendship means. That... doesn't work if she used to be your friend.

That throws a wrench into my whole explanation of where she was coming from.

Where she's coming from make NO SENSE AT ALL if she used to be a friend in the way you're asking her to be in what you wrote here.

Nobody can change that fast. Not in something like their basic understanding of friendship changing from a real actual friend... to whatever she's being now.

She definitely seems to have "dropped you" but... she seems to either be... I donno if it's "denial" or what... but she... fuck how do I explain this in words.

It's like she is both being super-clear about not giving a shit enough to change. Like she is clear about being good with things now, and is choosing to not understand what you're trying to say (since she used to understand this... it's not like she suddenly doesn't know what kind of friend you're asking her to be. She WAS that friend to you before).

[SteveSmith1985]

Ok, so while on the one hand, she seems to be super cold and uncaring to what you're expressing about wanting to be closer (like you got a definite "no")... on the other hand... she does seem to still want to have some sort of "friendship" with you.

It's like she's telling you to fuck-right-off in this brutally honest way (the not being willing to change and insisting things were good rn).

But if someone doesn't care the way she seems to... usually they would't care about maintaining ANY friendship, acquaintanceship or anything with you. You're saying "I miss how close we were" and she's saying "nah... I'm good"... but she doesn't want you to be out of her life. But is willing to be so blatantly cold and uncaring to you. Does that make any sense. I know this is jumbly.

But this girl... is something I have never seen anything like before.

Tell me more about your friendship when it was good? I cannot at all reconcile the girl in your question with someone who was actually really close to you at some point. She is choosing to be deaf to this reasonable heartfelt reaching out from her friend she (must know) hasn't been as close with her lately. It's crazy.

I... am having a lot of trouble finding any advice to really give.

I am confused here, in a way that isn't normal for me. I don't understand how... this other girl... is a human being. People don't act this way. Some people may not know what real friendship is. But people don't FORGET what real friendship is.

[Asker]

I think she is what you described, but she does get close to people but not in the long term. She seems to cut people off after getting as close as possible which is annoying. In the past, when we were on summer break and didn't see much of each other we messages throughout most days, the longest we went not talking was 2 days. We used to call in the early hours of the morning for hours straight and just talk about life. She seemed to be interested. Then we met up in summer and went out for a couple of hours each week. By our return to college it changed. We were in different classes and I tried to reach out and meet up during lunch and breaks but she didn't make the same attempt. I then found out she had made 3 other friends who she had been spending her time with instead. She invited me to hang out but I told her I'd rather talk and be with her without them. The one time I did join her new friends I noticed how I felt the odd one out, they'd discuss things they did that I hadn't experienced. Then the maturity level felt different, I just couldn't joke about the same things as them. Im only a year older than her. She messaged less and then this argument just happened.

She is constantly saying how she is putting herself first now, that she shouldn't have to care about anyone else, that she is distracting herself by keeping busy, how she doesn't want "deep" conversations and how we don't owe anything to one another, despite our friendship.

I don't understand why she is being like this but maybe I'm yet to find the right friends yet that take me seriously and want to connect.

She's got to know that the way she acts will damage her future relationships and friendships but she keeps on bringing it back round to "making herself her only priority", close friendship does require small sacrifices. Its like she wants a close friendship without having to be close herself and for me to do all the work.

Thanks for continuing to respond, I know there's a a lot to read.

[SteveSmith1985]

hahaha, oh please don't thank me for continuing to respond! I'm more than happy to.

You really do sound like an especially sweet and kindhearted girl... who would make such an excellent friend. Clearly!

So what you said:

"I don't understand why she is being like this but maybe I'm yet to find the right friends yet that take me seriously and want to connect."

THAT is 100% the case. For sure. Hands down. You HAVEN"T found the right friends yet.

You are someone looking to be a real friend. There are absolutely lots of people who would love to be your friend. Who would love to be your friend in exactly the way that you want to be friends with someone.

You are someone who will make an excellent friend. That's so so clear from everything you've said in this conversation (and to her).

That's what I kept asking myself (but figured... I just don't know anything about your relationship or history).

I kept asking myself why someone like you was even wasting the effort to make this girl a friend (before knowing she was really a friend before). It makes sense that you're not just more ready to say "fine, forget this friendship then" if you haven't found your other real friends yet.

You're like this excellent friend... who just hasn't found her friends yet. But you're someone who will. I can't see how you wouldn't. A good friend is a valueable thing. You're looking to be a good friend.

Things are not right here. You are a girl who should have lots of friends. That's the natural state of things for you. You just haven't found them yet. But you will. I'm really confident of that.

Ok... so... this girl... is... beyond weird.

And I mean that literally.

[SteveSmith1985]

I am usually really good at reading people. I'll get stumped sometimes, I'll be wrong sometimes... but usually I'm good at it.

I have never seen anything like this. It's makes me wonder if there might be something legitimately wrong with her (mental health-wise/personality-disorders etc). Because this is not how people act. Because it's not how people are usually CAPABLE of feeling.

You guys were close. Like fully close. You were full on close friends.

Now, either she went through some mental epiphany, traumatic event, life-changing mushroom trip, or SOMETHING drastic that fundamentally changed her whole outlook/worldview (when she started putting herself first).

or

she's... like... I donno almost like psychopathic or something similar. The lack of empathy she's displaying in how her new worldview is over-the-top unjustifiably selfish in relation to her old friend... is, I think what's shocked me from the very begining.

"She is constantly saying how she is putting herself first now, that she shouldn't have to care about anyone else, that she is distracting herself by keeping busy, how she doesn't want "deep" conversations and how we don't owe anything to one another, despite our friendship."

That is simply not ok. Like it's not a set of beliefs that anybody should look at, and say: "Yea. This is what I believe" as though that were acceptable.

[SteveSmith1985]

I hope you can see how wrong that is on its face. Anyone who holds that view of themselves and others is a horribly horribly selfish person. There are zero feelings of loyalty, or anything at all for someone she used to be close to. That's... unusual to say the least.

Worse... the lack of empathy. Shit... it's tugging on MY heartstrings to hear you talking about how you miss the closeness you used to share with your friend.

Even if she DOES feel differently now... it should still feel like a punch-in-the-gut to have someone you used to be close to reach out the way you did. It's touching. Anybody would be affected by what you're expressing to her. It's human nature. Anyone with regular feelings wouldn't be able to be as cold and willingly deaf as she's being. It's just... too cold-hearted. It legitimately makes me wonder if she's got something serious going on. This is not normal. Not considering your history.

Honestly, my advice would be to forget about trying to regain your old closeness with her. She seems... to be a totally different person who truly does always put herself first. Nobody with her beliefs can possibly be a real friend. Her new worldview has no room for friends. It seems it really truly doesn't. This is beyond weird. This girl's change is way beyond anything normal.

But what it comes down to, is: She doesn't deserve your friendship. She really doesn't. You're an excellent friend. You should be friends with someone who is ALSO an excellent friend. That's how your life is meant to go. Even if it hasn't gone that way yet. I just won't believe that someone like you won't find people you fit with.

I think you're being unfair to yourself if you keep hoping for an actual friendship to grow back. You should not put any stock or effort into this friendship because you're not being treated right in that friendship. You really aren't.

This is really not a regular friends growing apart situation. That happens all the time. But not like this.

[Asker]

Thanks, I do try to be a good friend and considerate to everyone, even those I don't know.

I do think that she's gone through things, which i sympathise with and was overly patient with her when she initially started to change. I thought she'd realise how she has been but she can't even see any fault.

I think your right, I shouldn't try to be close again, I should just stop being her friend. Its difficult to let go though considering what we used to be, it's like working hard for something and throwing it away. I wish there was something I could do when I thought about messaging her, just to stop myself.

I hope I do make more friends, I'm a little introverted but I hope I find the right fit and people who reciprocate for once as I feel I accidentally have friendships where it is unbalanced.

You saying that I'm being unfair to myself has stuck with me because I didn't look at it that way. Really this whole friendship has no benefit to me anymore. I know that if I say that to her she will try to argue again and I don't want it ending on bad terms so I think I'll just try to remain acquaintances for the last 3 months, however awkward that may be.

[SteveSmith1985]

Honestly, I'm really glad that you've decided to basically "give up on rebuilding this." I really do think that's the way to go here. It truly isn't fair to you. You deserve friends where its not one-sided.

Its crazy that she doesn't feel any loss for what you used to be, and even when you point-out how things have changed, she's fine with it. That's not usually how this would go. Usually she'd work with you.

There is no point in telling her that the friendship has no benefits for you. You're right, she will try to argue. The normal appeals (like that one) just have no effect on her. It's weird!

I am surprised to hear you're an introvert. I didn't think so. But now that you mention it... I can see some of it. But... try and put yourself out there to meet new people, or get to know some people you already know even better. It's being introverted that I would imagine to be the main reason you've had any trouble finding some good people.

People are going to want to be friends with you, if they see a bit of what you're all about. You make an excellent first impression (online anyway), and You make a good... ongoing impression. Don't be afraid to let people "see" you.

Good people tend to find good people. Just make sure they "see" you. You're good people. Others will notice.

I think you really should concentrate on the "unfair to yourself" bit when you're tempted to message her. You... have a very good reason to feel offended/snubbed/mistreated/resentful towards this friend. She really isn't treating you well. THAT is what should (hopefully) stop you when you have the urge to message her. She has not done-right-by-you. It truly IS unfair to yourself to continue letting it go on with only you hoping to regain your closeness.

[SteveSmith1985]

The reason you don't send that message, should be because you realize that you deserve real friends. This girl has specifically said she doesn't want that. Remember... that she doesn't really care. About whatever you wanted to message her about. She doesn't care. Not really. That should piss you off a bit. It's... maybe even a good thing to let yourself feel some of that.

You're missing some justified indignation in how you're reacting. Maybe it's because the idea of 'giving up' on your friendship is somethig you've only recently reconciled yourself to doing. Maybe you're just too freaking kind-hearted. But... it makes sense to be "sad" about this... but a part of you should also be mad/offended. Well maybe not "should" be mad/offended. But, everyone except for you, and Jesus would be pissed off and think their former friend was an asshole (because she's being an asshole to you). If you don't get mad, I guess that's fine... but I think you've got legitimate reason to be.

The last 3 months where you try and be acquaintances doesn't have to be awkward. It's only as awkward as you decide to make it. Partly because it's only possibly awkward for you alone. She won't feel awkward. She's all good. It won't be awkward for you... once you get your head around the idea of "letting her drift". It's only awkward if you keep looking at her for the person she WAS rather than the person she IS. You need to come to view her as the person she IS. The friend you had is dead and gone somehow. But dead and gone for sure. Make sure you're "seeing" her for who she has chosen to be. You don't need to sent THAT girl a message about whatever you were thinking of sending. You deserve to send that message to someone who will give a shit about it. Keep reminding yourself that she doesn't.

[Asker]

I told her that what she said would change the friendship for me and left it at that. She said exactly what you said she would, she told me that it would change nothing for her. Everytime I went to message her today I reminded myself that it was unfair to me. I think why this is so hard for me is because I can't fathom her actions and felt like I needed closure which I now know I'll never get.

I shouldn't have to feel awkward around her, I should move on and build up my own life with better friends rather than wasting my energy on her.

I'm not a particularly open person when I meet new people, she was the first one in a while that I was which makes it all the more sad but like you said I should focus on forming better friendships with people I already know too.

Thankyou for the advice, it honestly has helped and actually justified more about why I feel the way I do and that the way she's acting really has nothing to do with me as a friend but her being a bad one.

[SteveSmith1985]

You know... the whole way you're handling this is really great. You have such... I donno... healthy and reasonable views (is the best way I can describe it). But you don't need advice in the same way that most people do.

Most people have to be corrected when they get into unhealthy or damaging views around their situation. Those can be anything from thinking you're right and your boyfriend is wrong about something... when that girl is only upset because she has unhealthy expectations or unhealthy views that need to be pointed out. Even in a situation like this, usually even once I explain what I think is happening... there are usually things about a person's REACTION to what I explain that's full of unhealthy thinking or expectations.

I would say you stand out as someone with very reasonable expectations, and a healthy view of "others" in relation to yourself. Your reaction to everything has been super appropriate (you're struggling with letting her go. But you see why you need to, and are still doing it).

You're right about the closure. You won't get that, and I can appreciate how that feels unresolved. Nobody can fathom her actions. Seriously. Because her actions are fucked (atypical in the extreme).

So you're the very first person I've ever known to find themselves in the weird position you find yourself in. I've seen a million friendships end... in a bunch of different ways. But I've never seen anyone act the way she acted. People are usually never faced with this weird lack of closure you're dealing with. So don't worry that you feel you need it (you won't get it). That's a normal way to feel.

You are so so right that you shouldn't waste your time on people like her. You do need to find the kind of friends worthy of the level of friendship you're offering.

You know who you remind me of (since I first read this)? A certain type of girl I talk to on here. Just in a different way.

[SteveSmith1985]

So quite often I'll talk to a girl/woman whose question is essentially "why is my love life always getting all fucked up. Why don't things work for me with guys?"

And so I talk to her a bit. Over the course of conversation... I come to discover that this girl would make an awesome girlfriend. That she is somebody who has a hell of a lot to offer any guy who she happens to choose. I'll sit there thinking "damn... I'd love to meet a girl just like this. This girl is SO girlfriend material. She's kind and loving and loyal and willing to make sacrifices and yadda yadda yadda.

Then you ask more about her love-life. You discover that she has just fucking awful taste in men. All the guys she goes for... sell cocaine for a liviing or are smooth-talking player types or some other shit... where it's super clear to me immidiately what the problem is.

The problem is, that this girl who would be a perfect girlfriend for some decent guy... is going for guys who are never going to be able to give her the type of meaningul serious relationship she's looking for.

She has so much to offer. She's just wasting it trying to offer it to idiots.

You're like the "friendship" version of that.

You deserve better than this. And, if you look in the right places you're gonna find it.

As soon as that girl stops trying to give her love to guys who don't appreciate it. How long do you think it'll be before some decent guy sees how awesome she is, and snaps-her-up. Not long I assure you.

(just make sure you're not so shy that people don't "see" how awesome you are)

And please don't ever hesitate to shoot me a DM if you feel like chatting. I'd be happy to hear from you (whether that's tonight about this situation, or in two weeks about whatever).

[Asker]

I think you're the first guy and person on this site in general that I've come across who has given me sound advice. I made a post a while back on Reddit, similar to this one and people commented on how needy I was. That friendship shouldn't be the center of my life. And they were right but I feel as if most people don't aren't meaningful and sensitive in the way they respond. It can be pretty harsh to read some of that.

Unluckily I seem to have gone for the wrong guys as I do friendships just like that woman. I guess I gravitate towards people who are exact opposites of me and it's unhelpful.

I'll keep you in mind if I do have any situations or maybe to update you on this one, if you wouldn't mind. Its going to be a bumpy 3 months, I'm sure I can manage it, even without many friends.

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm sorry people were assholes to you on Reddit. I think a lot of it depends on who you happen to run into. There are probably more assholes on GAG than reddit. Generally I think there are. Some people have had horrific experiences on here.

Now, I am a nice guy. But I'm also a very very honest and straight-up guy too. So I'll tell anyone what I think. No problem. Even if it's mean, or makes me look like an asshole. If it's what I think... and somebody asks... you're getting an honest answer. I'm not gonna coddle somebody if it requires me to hold back my true thoughts/feelings.

99% of the time that works out great. But there have totally been times where I've been an asshole to someone when it wasn't warranted. Mostly, that'll happen if I mischaracterize the true nature of the situation I'm commenting on (surprisingly easy to do). So in my mind, the situation is different from reality in some fundamental ways. I don't know if you posted the EXACT same question on Reddit, or not, but... if people got the wrong impression, that might explain some of those answers.

Because, I can imagine it being possible to explain this situation in such a way as to lead people to a false-conclusion that you were being unreasonable or needy.

You really aren't. I am someoe who considers "friendship" to be really important. I take that seriously. To me friendship comes with certain mutual duties and obligations (which might be different in different friendships). I have no time for a shitty friend. Or rather, I'm never going to end up closer to someone than they are willing to give back.

[SteveSmith1985]

Let me tell you... There ARE good people out there who want the kind of friendships you do. There are lots. I know that because I find them everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I'll meet a new friend in the most unlikely of places.

Hell, one of the girls I've become pretty good friends with on here... is a girl who I flipped-out on for how she was treating somebody else on here. I said some really fucking horrible things to her. And just before gag froze my account for three days for telling her she should kill herself... she messaged me to respond... because I ended my tirade with: "You can reply if you want. I won't read it. You're a piece of shit. And you're reply means nothing to me."

So... she message me to fight. And we did. For a while. Then ended up talking. And... ended up friends. I talk to her like everyday I'm on here, and I know all the deep personal things she's faced in her life. She turned from THAT into a friend. Within like a week.

The only difference between you and I when it comes to meeting people and making friends... is that I'm an extrovert. That's the only difference.

So if I'm at a party. I'm gonna meet anyone and everyone. Walk up to people I don't know and thrust out my hand for them to shake as I introduce myself and ask their name. So the people at that party will have some sense of my personality, and what I'm about. They know a bit about me upon which to judge whether I'm someone they are interested in talking to again, or interested in getting to know better.

When I walked in to the party, I'm just "some guy" to everyone who doesn't know me. Just generic. Some guy or any guy. Nobody. I'm certainly not ME to those people. Just a guy.

By chatting and joking around with people, I turn from "some guy" into ME in their minds. People tend to like me. They are pretty indifferent to "some guy." So, I make a point to show people "me."

[SteveSmith1985]

That's the same reason I write such long-ass answers. I decided a long time ago, that the only way to let my personality and "me" come through when talking to someone online... is to write EXACTLY the way I would say something in words, to your face. And it works. It gives people an idea of what kind of guy I am. I give people something to judge me on and to separate me from every other guy. Because I'm not just "some guy"... I'm ME. So people don't have to like me. But they should at least know enough about what kind of guy I am to decide that properly for themselves.

So, I've told you that I like and admire several things about you. Which I do. The way you think; some of your views on things; some of what kind of person you are; and your general vibe. I have been impressed. You make a good impression, seem like a great person, and you just seem generally like sombody I would like to know better, and to keep talking to.

Would that have happened if you and I were at the same houseparty? Maybe. But only if I came up to you first. You (as an introvert, I'm assuming) are not going to come up to me if you don't know me and strike up a conversation right?

[SteveSmith1985]

Well, I might not meet every single person there, because I'm having too much fun shooting the shit with some of the people I'm already talking to. I would never know that the quiet girl I know nothing about, is REALLY exactly the type of person I want to meet. So we don't meet. And only because I didn't "see you" I just saw "some quiet generic girl." Which would be a shame, and leave both of us worse-off.

I think you should push yourself as much as possible "out of your comfort zone." Try and "show yourself" a little more, to more people. I'm telling you. If people could see you, you'd find friends everywhere too. They just don't know what they're missing.

Now, I would love it if you'd keep me updated. I would love it if you want to chat sometime about anything. Like I said, you're someone who seems like somebody I would like to know better, and am interested in talking more with. No pressure, no obligation or anything obviously. But I would absolutely love to hear from you. Anytime. About anything you'd like. Or about nothing in particular. Good people find good people. I hope to hear from you (I'm on GAG in fits and bursts. If I don't reply right away, that's why). If not, that's no problem either. I won't be offended. But online friends are better than no friends usually... just sayin...🙂

[Anonymous]

Both of you need to learn how to write in proper English and use commas lol
That's all I gathered from this... "convo"

[Asker]

It's text messages, it's an argument, it's was 4am, need I say more?

[Anonymous]

I’m so confused by the 2nd message. I never understood why friends get mad when their friends don’t reply straight away. Fair enough if you have plans but people have busy lives and the best friendships are the ones that don’t change when you see each other even if you haven’t spoken for a while. Although effort is always needed to maintain a friendship, messaging 24/7 isn’t the effort you need. It’s making plans and time for each other. It’s letting the other person have their space and go mia when life becomes overwhelming but still being there for them when they are going through stuff. Wish I could be more helpful but am so confused by the 2nd message.

[Asker]

It's not that she doesn't respond instantly, it's that when she does it s apoor level of quality, whenever I message she doesn't acknowledge mine or ask me something, even tho that would take the same amount of time as her messaging about her issues or less time even. The conversation seems to revolve around her mostly. All I expect from her is to reciprocate my level of investment and interest, no matter how few times she responds or if she doesn't for weeks.

[sheenagwapa]

it's hard to tell. what's the context gere. what are you arguing about?

[Asker]

Last year we used to talk most days, she seemed interested about my life and I did about hers. I now feel that she ignores what I say and just says about her own stuff, which I respond to. When I brought up her lack of interest and effort she said that it wasn't that deep. That she was busy. I understood where she was coming from, in being busy, so I told if she couldn't respond don't but that when she can do it with effort and acknowledge what is say. She said that we both have different interests, which made no sense to me.

I want this to be a close friendship which means wanting to meet up, wanting to talk and having interest and a part in the others life. She believes we have a close friendship but the definition I said isn't what it means to be close friends.

I feel like I'm putting in the effort and not recieving anything back and she expects me to be content with it.

[msc545]

She seems confused and incoherent. I cannot tell who is right or wrong here and it really may not matter in that I doubt if there is an objective right or wrong associated with any of this.