Girls, have you experienced this in social settings?

[Anonymous]

In social settings like a work conference, for example, people awkwardly avoid eye contact and tend to not socialize with me as much than they would with others, having me feel super isolated. I also catch stares without proper introductions or even a smile.

I’m stopped quite often with compliments on my appearance, so they only way my anxiety ridden brain can comprehend this behavior is to assume I come off unapproachable?

maybe it’s good to note that I’m 1 of the 3 black women in a space like this?

it’s been bugging me, and was hoping to get some insight so I can cope with it next time. Girls - do you catch yourself doing this to other black girls, or experience this often yourself in predominantly white spaces?
Appropriate the help.

Updates

10 mo

Note: These are my co-workers & I work remote.
Edit: "I’m stopped with compliments on my appearance when I am out on a regular day, quite often (outside of a workspace)". For people who relate to this, maybe my appearance makes me seem unapproachable to speak to at work?

[abc3643]

This is what is happening and I am guilty of it myself.

1. You are female.
2. You are Black.

People don't want drama from saying or doing something innocent that is interpreted by the listener/receiver as being inappropriate (like racist or sexist/sexual harassment). So, to be on the safe side, "the would-be speaker" just doesn't interact with someone ("the listener") who belongs to a group that might be offended. This is especially so with "would-be speakers" who are White males because they've reached a level of paranoia about this.

The unfortunate thing is that if the two people (the speaker and listener) already knew each other reasonably well, this wouldn't be a problem because they know what kind of person the other person is. But, because the would-be speaker doesn't know the listener, the would-be speaker plays it safe and doesn't bother.

As a case in point, this is a true story involving myself.

For several years, I've worked in the same office as a young man named Khaleed. He's about 35. (I am 60.) We have never really had to interact because we worked on different projects and we sat far apart in the office.

Whenever we've passed, we've nodded but I've never actually engaged him in real conversation. Khaleed is Black and likely Muslim from his name but I do not know that. Well, two months ago, I was in a high-pressure situation in which I was informed to bring in Khaleed. He was on a Zoom meeting with me and several other VIPs for about 12 hours as he performed the necessary work that I was having trouble with. I felt bad because he got sucked into this but he was fantastically diplomatic and did a good job. I thanked him profusely and told him I'd make it up to him. I later wrote an email to my management (we are contractors) explaining the situation and how Khaleed did a fantastic job and I noted that I wanted this email to go into Khaleed's record for when it's performance review time.

Now, prior to that, Khaleed probably felt a bit like you - especially regarding me; I was cold before this event. While I'm lucky that I didn't grow up to be a racist, you never really know another person and how they take things, so I didn't go out of my way to know Khaleed. Being an old White guy, he probably suspected I might have been a closet MAGA Trumpster racist (I'm most definitely not!). So, in my interaction with him 2 months ago, this was my opportunity to dissuade him of any suspicions that I might be racist. He certainly was ecstatic when he read the email that I sent to management praising him.

I am now working out of a different office, so I don't interact with him anymore, but the ice has been broken between us so if I go back to that office, things will be good between us.

===
Anyway, do you understand what I described? It is good that you noted you were a Black female because that is important.

The bottomline is not that you are not approachable.
It is that people (White, usually male) do not want to have drama which they believe that they risk by interacting with you. It's a sort of fear of you because of what you might do (whether you would or not).

[Asker]

Oh my goodness, this was 100% insightful. I truly appreciate the details within this story, along with your ability to help me see your perspective. Thank you.

[abc3643]

All bigotries - including the ones I've had - are rooted in ignorance and fear. Experience creates learning which kills fear and ends bigotry.

Khaleed may have had a prejudice, in a sense, against me. I was cold to him and so he might have thought I was a racist Trumpster especially given that I fit the stereotype of an older white man. But, he had experience with me and I made sure to slaughter any prejudices he had about me.

And, of course, I've had my own prejudices. But, I recite to myself "Even if a stereotype about a group may be commonly true, each person is different and should be assumed to be so; treat each new person as a new experience."

With that in mind - something I had to learn on my own - I wiped out a lot of prejudices - about people, about food, about all sorts of things...

======
So, if people aren't willing to learn on their own, you may need to be proactive and teach them who you are so they stop thinking of you as "that Black woman" with all of their prejudices and assumptions in place and start thinking of you as "[your name] who just happens to be a Black woman." You will likely need to go to them more...

That's exactly what a Black girl friend (not girlfriend) did with me. I wouldn't have reached out, but she did and we became good friends.

[Avicenna]

In reality, that usually doesn't happen in a workplace environment

[Asker]

In my industry, yes. Left the conference last week.

[Avicenna]

What industry is this?

[Asker]

TMI - But I'll say Business/Corporate.

[_Maya_]

Nope. My work setting is. Club/bar so I make plenty of eye contact. I almost make a point of it because of the creepy shit that can happen. You have to be on your toes as a female bartender. Once I figure out what I want to do with my degree it might be another story. Foe now, I have plenty of creepy looks yet some big ass bouncers to take care of it. Speaking of. 5 minutes until shift starts. Adios!

[Nikki1989]

The key is to ignore what anyone says to you. The only people that are important are people really close to you.

[Asker]

Thanks, but the point of the question was to why they seem to awkwardly avoid speaking to me, and instead stare.

[Nikki1989]

I would ignore them for that too.

[Iron_Man]

I’m a guy