Why can't we remain friends now that she knows how I feel about her?

[AzuraSheep]

Two years ago I experienced love-at-first-sight for a woman at work, she made me behave completely out of character; where I'm normally extremely shy regarding women/dating/relationships she would somehow break down my inhibitions, make me do and say things that would normally never be more than thoughts kept to myself.

No one else in my 35 years has ever done that.

I thought we got on very well but she had a boyfriend so, being the loser I am, I backed off and kept a distance; I would hesitate and feel very awkward about spending time with her e. g. inviting her to my birthday or even spending a lunchtime with her because I didn't want to disrupt her existing relationship.

Ultimately I wanted her to be happy and due to my low self-esteem I didn't/don't think I could ever make her happy.

Time goes on and I notice her spending a lot of time with another guy at work, and recently I found out she had left her previous boyfriend and is now with the guy from work. That hurt but I accepted it on the basis that she knew how I felt for her, she had simply not felt anything for me and had chosen the other guy from work who she actually liked.

A few weeks ago we were talking at a work night out and the conversation became a bit personal so, after leaving, I text her asking if she was ok talking to me about such things given I had feelings for her; it could become a bit uncomfortable.

She said she was surprised I had feelings for her.

I have never felt such emotional pain before in my life; I spent an entire week crying, having to explain to my manager why I was not being productive.

In this state I sent her a text briefly explaining the situation; she told me not to (I asked her permission) but I needed her to know; I thought she already knew so it was simply putting things into a state I thought they were already in.

She texts back a week later saying she no longer wants to be friends and never wants to talk again.

It hurts so much; now I have lost her completely.

[Flatmanlewis]

Brother. I feel for you and what I’m going to reply is not going to feel good so don’t read it if you’re not up to it. From a place of honesty, not cruelty, you didn’t lose what you never had. She viewed you as a causal friend at best. Hence, your not even knowing she broke up with somebody else. I assure you the new guy asked about you since you were In proximity to her and she replied ‘he’s just a friend’. Your concealing your true feelings for her probably made her mad since it means you weren’t being honest with her and she now can clearly place your time together in the category of ‘fake’.


First, your low self esteem doesn’t help. Second, you (I’m guessing) tired to play it cool and be the the respectful nice guy who respected her space. You can’t man. You can’t win any high-value woman that way. You need to build your confidence, and go on the attack when you see what you like. Be open, be honest, be direct.


She’s gone, brother. Walk away. The only chance that even exists that she will come back into your orbit is that you just walk away with dignity and maybe her view of things will change and she may open the dialogue in a break room, or hallway, one day. Sorry that’s something you have to deal with. Broken hearts are as bad as it gets.

[AzuraSheep]

You're entirely correct, need to be more confident and less of what I am.

What's especially difficult is that I doubt I will ever feel this way about anyone again.

[Flatmanlewis]

I truly hope you do. Just get out there and start living life and you’ll be surprised what you’ll find. Break routine. Learn a new hobby. Expand your social circle. Break out of your comfort zone.

[_Maya_]

I'm really confused. You are asking how to remain friends with a woman that you seem to have no interest in being friends with. You want a lot more than that if you cried for a week and let the fact she has a new boyfriend effect your productivity at work. I honestly don't think you can be just friends with this woman. I also think that if she were single and willing you shouldn't get in a relationship with her either because the first sign of trouble in that relationship and you're going to break down and possibly lose your job considering you got that upset that she had a new boyfriend. Let this one go as hard as it might be.

[AzuraSheep]

But that's the strange thing; I do want to be friends with her; I want a lot more but if the feeling isn't mutual (she feels nothing for me) then I still want to talk to her; we got on really well and that was enough for me.

The problem is when she said she was surprised I really felt like I had missed the opportunity of a lifetime; had I been less withdrawn, had I spent more time with her instead of being distant; it might have led to something; that's why I initially broke down.

Now I'm sad because I've lost a friend.

[_Maya_]

"I want a lot more but if the feeling isn't mutual" read this and tell me I'm not wrong.

[AzuraSheep]

You seem to be misunderstanding why I broke down though; it's not that she has a new boyfriend; I was fine with that based on the premise that I had had my shot and she just wasn't interested.

What made me break down was her surprise when I told her I had feelings for her; it made me feel like I had missed my one chance with someone who really meant something to me.

We had been good friends until I told her my feelings and now I've lost her as a friend too.

[_Maya_]

Dude... read your own question. Read it thoroughly.

[AzuraSheep]

Perhaps I'm missing what you're trying to get at?

Flatmanlewis and CupcakeTheDestroyer have attempted answering my question.

You have said I shouldn't be in a relationship with this woman because I want more than friendship and have no interest in being friends with her; that doesn't make any sense; what makes you think i have no interest in being friends with her?

Bear in mind I always thought she knew how I felt, what's wrong with wanting more than friendship if the understanding between both parties is that it will never happen?

Doesn't mean two people can't be friends.

At least that's my perspective; hence why i asked the question.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Yeah, that has to do with situations she’s likely had in the past where she tried to be friends with the men who she wasn’t attracted to but they were attracted to her. Those feelings built up into resentment and they would openly express their jealousy and later hatred for her in different ways, maybe verbal, maybe physical. Her wariness of you is not explicitly your fault but she’s also valid in saying she wants nothing to do with you for fear of experiencing that again.

[AzuraSheep]

Thanks, that makes sense; part of what made me break down is that it genuinely felt like she was attracted to me to begin with but knowing she had a boyfriend made me keep a distance.

Thought I had made my feelings for her clear though, from the beginning, so she shouldn't have been surprised.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You can’t read her mind, you have no way of knowing that for sure. What you do know now is that she’s not interested in maintaining a friendship now that it’s been confirmed that you have romantic feelings for her, and should take that for what it is. Take the time to grieve what might have been but then I recommend moving on

[Tharithi]

Probably the guy was just a friend and u overthought and ruined

[In_Trance]

move on and find someone else