One of my close friends started dating a Narcissist. It didn't end well. She almost took her life. Before they were official she went to visit her best friend and used him as a rebound to get over him, but went back to the narc anyway.
She dated the narcissist's best friend first, had a baby, lost a 2 week old baby girl with him and he left her few months after the burial. She then tried to take her life, soon after she started dating his best friend (the Narcissist) for 2 years, She started using heavy drugs on and off and drinking a lot, left him, tried to take her life again and now is dating her own best friend (the rebound guy) who she has always been using as a rebound. Is this at all normal?
The moment she and the Narcissist broke up she traveled by bus again 5 hours to see her best friend (rebound guy) and slept with him again. Came back and next moment a month after the breakup started dating the best friend (rebound guy) who she says she has known for 13 years. She suddenly loves and have loved him for 13 years but always chose other guys over him in fear of what he can offer her and was running away from him. Describes him as a perfect human and is perfect for her, doesn't judge her and knows everything about her.
The best friend is also a psychologist (Nothing against psychologists) and has major influence over her. We don't think 1 month is enough time to get over everything after a relationship of 2 years. All of us tried talking to her. But she doesn't want to listen to anyone. She pushes everyone away including family.
Ignores and manipulates her own psychologist and psychiatrist about her mental health and go against what the doctors keep telling her to not drink while on the meds but she doesn't listen and the "best friend" doesn't do anything to try and stop her when she does impulsive things. Lets her drink and do drugs.
Is this normal and just a phase, and what can we do to help her? How do we approach this? Any advice at all will be helpful.
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This doesn't sound like normal behavior to me dude. Your friend is clearly going through some really heavy stuff after all the trauma and loss she's experienced. Abusing drugs and cutting herself off from support is super worrying.
A few things stick out:
- Her relationships seem dysfunctional and based on rebounding rather than real connection.
- Dating a psychologist who should know better than to enable her risky behaviors is a red flag.
- She's gone through horrific experiences like losing a baby and suicide attempts. That kind of grief and pain can seriously mess a person up.
- Cutting off family and friends when they care about her wellbeing is Not Okay.
Your friend really needs professional help, like intensive therapy and possibly even a supervised living situation. I know that will be tough to get her on board with, but it's coming from a place of love and concern for her safety.
Is there any way you or her other close friends could stage an intervention? Talk to her doctor too - they may be able to require more treatment. She's too vulnerable to make good choices right now. I know you care about her dude - don't give up trying to help.
That's the thing mate, its hard to approach her and we don't want to corner her and make her feel uncomfortable. We dont know how to approach her. Even her best girlfriend can't break through to her. THis guy has major influence on her and we suspect that because he is a phycologist he knows exactly how to manipulate her and make himself seem great while he whispers that the rest of us is trying to come between the two.
She has a psychiatrist and psychologist. But she doesn't listen to them and they warned her about her drinking while on meds but still she continues on this pattern.
Ah man that really sucks then dude. With this guy manipulating her and her not listening to the other doctors, it's gonna be even harder to get through to her.
Maybe try writing her a letter instead of confronting her directly? That way you can say exactly what you're worried about and how much you care about her, without her feeling attacked. Emphasize that you just want her to be happy and healthy.
And like invite her to do fun stuff with just you guys, outside of this relationship, so she remembers the good times with friends before this guy. Try to ease her away from him bit by bit instead of directly confronting either of them.
Is there someone neutral she trusts that isn't involved, like another friend or family member, who could also talk to her? Sometimes hearing the same concerns from multiple people helps sink in. And keep inviting her to stuff so she knows you're still there for her when/if she's ready to leave this relationship. It's a tough situation but hopefully showing you care can help over time.
We have tried inviting her, I have tried inviting her, her best girl friend have tried, but she even pushed her away. Its like a total flip in her personality since she and the rebound guy, best guy friend went official. We want her to be happy but we also know her behaviour and how she normally is and this is a different person. I sent her brother a message and he said he will look into it but haven't heard back, she got pissed at me when I tried to make contact with her doctor. We just dont know anymore. Tried the letter thing but she won't read it. Ignores anyone who tries to bring up anything of how she has been acting these last few weeks.
Man, this is a right mess you guys are in with her. When she's pushing away everyone who cares, including her own family, it's really worrying behavior. A couple more things you could try:
- Ask one of her close friends to arrange a "neutral" catch up, like going for coffee. Somewhere lowkey without confrontation. But try get there early and have a open but caring chat with just her, friend as backup.
- Find ways to show you care without directly bringing up the relationship/behavior. Like drop off a care package of her favorite snacks and a nice note saying you're here no matter what. Small gestures to break through the walls.
- Look up signs someone is being manipulated/controlled in a relationship. Make subtle comments comparing how she's acting now vs her normal cheerful self. Plant seeds of doubt without accusations.
- See if you can get in contact with her doctor without her knowing. Express deep concern and see what they recommend from a professional perspective.
- As a last resort, see if you can organize an actual intervention involving close family/friends. Stage it somewhere she can't storm off from. But only if you feel she's in real danger.
This bloke's got her under his spell big time. All you can do is keep showing love and support so she remembers who her real mates are if she does wake up. But don't exhaust yourselves trying - her actions are out of your control sadly. Just be there consistently and hopefully she'll come around. Tough situation mate.
It is normal for some.
Ok, I get that for some, but its not healthy right? She is still dealing with stuff from her previous 2 year relationship and already jumping into a new relationship with the said rebound guy from all the years, and doing long distance. Gets wasted and high, while they new guy doesn't give a shit if she gets high or drunk. How do we approach her and break though to her.