Is shyness disrespectfully selfish?

Question

My answer is YES.

I have been appalled by people especially with low self esteem issues and victimizing themselves with this brand new excuse of depression.

But when it comes right down to it. It is pure selfishness to be shy.

Perfect example: I was at a funeral today. Drove my parents because they are old roads are bad I didn't know this lady that lived a full life and passed away.

There must have been close to 250 people in the Church pews packed in.

The Pastor asked would anyone care to come up and share stories or say something about her. I was probably the only one that did not know this lady. But out of the 250 only one person a daughter IN-LAW .. I was disgusted by all these shy people I heard mumbling saying I'm too shy ... an awkward silence went about the room as NOBODY else got up to say anything.

Not even her own children. Had anything nice or respectful they wished to say about her.

The service dedicated plenty of time for this special time to be shared and laughed with stories. Yet Selfish shyness deafening silence took over.

I feel awful for her husband who shared 60 years of marriage with her.

she was loved and a very sweet lady that will be missed from all but nobody could say anything. And as that was happening I thought about most of you.

Would you choose to say nothing just because of fear for your own selfishness?

Or would you sacrifice yourself ?

PS: If I met her even once I would have gone up there just to help motivate her grown children. or close friends.

This was suppose to be a celebration of her life, it was hardly morbid.

Updates

+1 y

Each one of you choosing to pick apart the example rather than the overall question may answer the question any time now.

Updates

+1 y

FOR ALL THE SCARED PEOPLE HERE. I GOT A PROJECT FOR YOU.

Destruction of all your mindsets. So set your ego aside and list all your fears Take a sheet a paper or a notebook in your case. makes four columns. write "Fears list" on top.

C1 the fear what causes that fear, C2 what does it affect C3 feelings.

list all them down once you do then go back and list C4 what is your mistake in thinking this way. Review it over and see a pattern and how much power you give to your useless fears.

craZy_4_musiC_o0 · Accepted Answer

I have multiple answers for you, and I'll try to keep it clean, direct and as short as possible.

#1 to your general question: No, shyness is not disrespectfully selfish. It isn't even selfish. Shyness is not knowing how to trust the world/people around you, being careful in how you deal with and act around new people, being insecure (most of the time) and being just not as boysterous and loud as outgoing people. It's not selfish, by definition of both words it can't be because selfishness is something man-made, a trait that develops after birth, no one is born selfish by nature. Selfishness means that you only think about yourself/your life and pick/do whatever is best for you regardless of other people ('s lives, wishes etc). Shyness is a trait you are born with and that is very hard to overcome. Whether associated with an illness (social anxiety) or not. You can't choose to be shy or not, there are many scientific articles about this, I suggest you read up on it before you make such diminishing assumptions.

#2 Who speaks at a funeral and who doesn't is hardly a sign of selfishness or shyness. People are grieving, in their own way all of them mind you, no one grieves the exact same way. And maybe people don't like to share their memories of a dear friend with people they don't know, maybe they'd rather treasure them for themselves. It's not about shyness, it's about bravery when it comes to speaking at a loved one's funeral. Inner-strength to fucking not break down in front of a room of strangers when telling them stories about someone you loved in a way others may not understand, it is terrifying. I guess you've never done so, have you? Don't judge before it becomes your responsibility. Oh, and by saying "sacrificing" yourself, you already say it has nothing to do with shyness but is all bravery.

#3 Hearing stories about how great the dead loved one was doesn't necessarily help you in getting over their death. Maybe for you, but again, everyone deals with grief differently, even if YOU can't see "the signs" of it.

#4 Instead of being so pissed off at the friends (who may not have been friends, think about it, 250 people? there's no way they were all friends), why didn't the husband or kids get up to speak?

#5 convenient updates. telling people off for focusing on your story but giving the one person who agrees with you in relation to your story the best-answer-button. selfish hypocrite. And you ignoring (probably) the majority's take on your question answers your question as well, just fyi.

#6 you never even MET that person. I don't mean to speak ill of the dead, and I'm not, but you have no idea what she was like. How the hell do you get off judging people who did know her on how they choose to keep her memory alive in them (or not), when you have no idea who she was? And to add to that, isn't it a little disrespectful and weird to go to someone's funeral if you never knew them? No matter your "excuse" as you call "reason" in this question.

lumos · Accepted Answer

I understand your point of view when in terms of the situation at the funeral. It's very sad that nobody wanted to speak up for her. As a shy person myself, even though I'm shy, I probably would have done it anyway. I'm not sure why nobody wanted to say anything about her. Weird.

However, the conclusions you're drawing are very narrow-minded. As I said myself, I'm very shy, and on top of that, introverted as well. I've done my best to get rid of my shyness, I really have. I always push myself to not stress about projects I have to perform in front of the class, I've taken courses to improve the way I speak in front of others, and I've really stepped out of my comfort zone to say the least. Yet I'm still shy. Yet my voice trembles whenever I speak in front of a group with more than 5 people in it. My hands still start shaking, I still start sweating, and I still start fumbling with my words. It's not something I can help, and it's definitely not selfishness. I really have tried to make an improvement, but nothing seems to work. On my 18th birthday party when all my relatives came by to congratulate me, I spent most of the time hiding in the bathroom or in my room because I was LITERALLY scared of being in the center of attention.

It's not me being selfish. It's me not being able to handle attention well. It's me not being able to socialize with large amounts of people at the same time. It's me being scared of making a mistake and making a fool out of myself in front of anyone. I can't help the fact that my heart starts racing and my voice becomes shaky. It's a part of me, a part of who I am, a part that I have really struggled to get rid of, but I just can't. And the fact that you dare call it selfish and rude is baffling to me. I've struggled with this all my life, don't you think I'd LOVE being able to talk in front of others without caring about what they think about me? Don't you think I'd LOVE to be a great public speaker and performer? I because I honestly would do anything to get rid of my shyness, but it has already been proven that I can't.

As I said, I understand what you're saying because of the funeral. Yes, they were cowards, and rude cowards at that. But how dare you call ME selfish because some other rude and ignorant people were unable to speak at that funeral? Tch. You're not exactly helping.

archie21 · Accepted Answer

I gotta say, in a room of nearly 250 people, there's no way THAT MANY people have a social anxiety, shyness, etc. It does spound pretty sad that no one spoke up.

Golden1445 · Accepted Answer

Wow dude, not everyone is the indestructible and bold person you make yourself out to be. People grieve in very different ways. I probably couldn't go up and speak at a funeral of someone I was close to, I would get too emotional, plus I don't do well in front of crowds, regardless of how close I was to that person. Very recently one of my close friends died tragically in a fire, I knew her very well and I could not bring myself to go up and speak. I couldn't handle it, the whole situation of her death became very real at the funeral. It was not me being selfish, I was paying my respects in other ways.

I would much rather have someone that can eloquently get their thoughts out rather than have a bunch of people hear me stumble over my words as I hold back tears. Plus, I would not feel comfortable speaking on behalf of someone that died unless I knew them extremely well.

People don't have to speak to show respect to someone who has died, the fact that she had 250 people there says a lot all in itself. People don't need reassurance that they were loved through someone speaking in front of a crowd, sometimes silent reflection and respect is all that is needed.

Saying that being shy is disrespectful and selfish is a very narrow minded and ignorant way of looking at the world and people. You need to better educate yourself on sociology and psychology before you ask ignorant questions like this. Everyone is different, which seems to be a concept you can't grasp.

steveguitar · Accepted Answer

first of all, a funeral brings about many other emotions besides being too shy to say something in front of many people. you were an outsider who didn't even care for this person or know or care for anybody else who knew her with the exception of your parents. maybe people were just too chocked up to say anything and knew that if they went up to the podium that they would just burst into tears and it would be far more embarrassing and they would feel awful for going up and wouldn't be able to face anybody for the rest of the day.

who are you to say anything about these people. standing in front of a crowd prepared with something to say is much different than going up unprepared, which all of those people were.

People have their own way of celebrating someone's life. many people go up to the casket, maybe say a prayer and silently say or think of all the things that person meant to them. You cannot say what is right or wrong about this, is it disrespectful? No, they attended the funeral, they attended the function afterward they said their own thing in their heads or at the casket. you can't say anything about that. if you are not shy and never have been then you have no idea what could be going through someone's head, and maybe it goes beyond being shy to where they fall into anxiety or worse.

scarygoodyr34 · Answer

I went to a funeral before for one of my relatives who I had considered my best friend. I literally could not stand up and share poems or good stories or anything, because I was so upset-I didn't feel like I would have been able to talk in front of people there without bursting out in tears in the middle of what I was reading outloud or saying. Maybe some people there felt too overcome with their emotions to be able to share good stories about the person. I really wanted to go up to the podium and say a few words,but throughout the service, I cried a lot. I could barely talk during my relative's funeral.

Maybe some people were still in shock, maybe some people felt they didn't know her well enough to say anything about her, maybe the woman's relatives were too upset to calmly and easily reflect about good memories with the woman, etc. It's a funeral, my God, you expect people to be perfectly unfazed and calm while at A FUNERAL, and have their own speech prepared.It's not a board meeting for a major company. It's a funeral. People aren't exactly thinking the most rationally, and they don't become very composed and/or confident or amazingly articulate while (speaking) at a funeral.

Depression is a serious illness. It is not an excuse.(interesting how when people don't like something, it's called an excuse and not a reason or the truth). No one wishes they had depression-no one prays to God that one day they just "get depression."

I didn't go up and have a big speech or poem prepared at my relative's funeral...I didn't go up at all because I was an emotional mess that day. I shed tears, but that was just me" being selfish" I guess because I wasn't more put together that day, because I didn't stand and speak at the podium.

To judge somone harshly on whether that person is shy or isn't shy is perposterous...cult leaders in the past have been described as being charismatic, Hitler was not a shy person-and he was a horrible person, several murderers and serial killers have been described as being charming, charismatic, and some of the people who had known them never even suspected they would have harmed anyone because in some cases, everyone in their community or neighborhood thought well of them before they learned that the person had killed other people. Some serial killers have been described as being quieter, or keeping to themselves more. Therefore, merely judging someone by how shy that person is flawed.

1xadzy3dgSG · Answer

Well, as somebody with debilitating shyness and low self esteem, I can tell you that no, it's not selfish. I mean, there's always the fear of offending people, or bothering them, or just saying something extremely stupid (there are things I've said 10 years ago that still play in my head way too much). And, when a person is shy and has low self esteem, it's extremely lonely, uncomfortable, and just plain miserable. So, trust me, if people with shyness and low self esteem could get rid of those traits and be as "strong" as you, we would do it in a heartbeat. I mean, that's just a personal example, and that's not everybody's experience, but it is for a least a couple of people I know. And, there's so much more to it, really. Like, I can't even really explain it to somebody who doesn't go through it personally.

Now, to answer why people weren't saying things at a funeral. Sometimes people feel like it's not their place (I mean, how well did they actually know them?), they're too distraught (when my cousin died, none of his children could say anything), or fear is getting in the way (you have no idea how difficult it is for some people to talk to a crowd of people-that's why it's called "social phobia". You can't just brush it off like it's nothing).

And, really, you should be happy that you aren't able to understand what it's like to have low self esteem, depression, or shyness. And, depression (and every other disorder), is not a way too victimize yourself (people with depression would give anything not to have depression-it's kept me from keeping relationships, finishing school, sometimes even getting out of bed, and so many other things I would give anything to be able to do). But, I guess all I can say, maybe at some point try to develop some empathy and get over yourself.

confugirl · Answer

Shyness stems from a lack of self-confidence, not selfishness. And I don't see how not speaking about a person who is dead, is selfish. That person is still dead and it makes no difference to him/her whether you speak about them or not. You have a very twisted view of selfishness.

Susan123 · Answer

I agree. Someone died and social anxiety is an excuse. I'm sure not every one of the 250 congregation had anxiety. I wouldn't call it shyness, I'd call it selective shyness. People choose when they are shy. Like, I get it. People might be afraid at being looked at but seriously do you care that much what you look like. If you have a panic attack well at least you would have tried.

riaayc · Answer

I think only her close ones had the right to go up there and say something. However, they are grieving and they might be too sad to care about what you or others thought. She's dead, she doesn't feel, hear or see anything anymore. They all knew her and she will be remembered and I don't think saying something there would make any difference. Sure, it would be nice, but people have the right to decide and they did no harm to anybody. You have to understand that just because you would do it differently, it doesn't make it the only right.:) Patience.

About shyness...I don't really get it either, because I'm not shy, but depression is a real thing. Sometimes. And sometimes it's just seeking attention, true.

iluvchewbucca · Answer

Sometimes people are too hurt when they've lost someone to even have the energy or desire to go up to talk and express your-self... However, you said there were over 250 people... I doubt that ALL of them were that hurt... Maybe they didn't have anything to say, not precisely "shyness".. just no words... Or they didn't care enough, and again doesn't necessarily rely on shyness. & also you said yourself you don't know this person... perhaps they were not such a nice person, or perhaps not a very affectionate person to leave something to say/talk about... and maybe they just had a big family with many close friends of the family, but not precisely "her" friends, and are there just for support?

ANYWAY! this situation aside... In general, people who are too shy or too scared to do things, don't get anywhere.

Marsupilami · Answer

I understand what you're saying about the funeral. I'm quite shy usually but when I'm grieving it disappears and I just don't care. So I would of gone up and not given a shit what people thought about me. Everyone is different though.

In general I don't think shy people are selfish. My brother is shy also and I can't ever think of him being selfish. I guess it depends if a person has manners though. Like if someone was that shy that they couldn't say thankyou etc.

I'd say the polar opposite of shy would be seen as selfish to be honest. Good question though.

sammy_31 · Answer

I don't think being shy is selfish, I mean sometimes it can be but in that situation, I think they were just too nervous or embarrassed if they were to say the wrong thing. I do find it REALLY hard to believe that NOT one family member wanted to speak. When my family had members passed, it was hard to choose no more than 10 people to come up & say something so we just did the rest after the service. Some people speak when they shouldn't & when they need to they don't have the (excuse me) balls or ovaries to stand up & say what they honestly feel.

ninetynine · Answer

First of all, it's not like anyone can help being shy. I'm sure most people with the trait would agree that it seriously sucks. Having no confidence sucks.

I'd honestly be a nervous mess if I had to speak in front of an audience of 250 people. Aside from shaky hands, my stomach would drop so much to the point where I literally (and frustratingly) wouldn't be able to concentrate on turning my thoughts into coherent sentences. I know this from experience -- high school presentations were hell for me.

Do you really see funeral services as a "special time to be shared and laughed with stories?" Because in reality, funerals are one of the saddest things ever, especially for the close family members and friends. A lot of times, people are way too emotional to talk, and have other ways of mourning. If a shy person -- or really, ANY type of person -- wants to mourn someone quietly, who's he or she disrespecting? Give 'em a break.

dodgypirate · Answer

How can you instantly blame shyness?! It was a funeral for crying out loud. They were so deep in mourning OR no one felt capable of speaking of her life because they didn't know her enough.

Like another answerer pointed out shyness is due to lack of self-confidence and self-esteem NOT selfishness - you're a moron for even linking them together.

I believe shyness is also genetic: my mother was shy when she was young and, guess what? Me too!

05Jueey · Answer

Your view is kind of disgusting. Some people have social anxiety or other mental illnesses I'm not aware of that prevent them from having the ability that you have. Ignorance is weak

teasegirl · Answer

Maybe no one had nice stories about her. I've seen people go to funerals out of respect for the ones who lost a family member. But when it comes to reallity the person that passed prob was a mean, boring, or just nothing extraordinary.

I've been to funerals where people are shy, but when it comes to it they stand up and say wonderful things about the loved one who passed away.

So "shyness" may be a better way to say "I have nothing good to say"

Solitude3 · Answer

I am a shy and thin-skinned person.I am neither a good talker and have phobia of public speaking but I'm sure I can muster up enough courage to go up and share something nice about this lady if I know her well or am close to her.What gives me the courage and moltivation?Love of course!

Her husband and children are just...sigh...I threw 5 stars for your human question!

SkyrimAddict · Answer

I would say it has less to do with been shy and maybe more to do with fear of public speaking. You can be a outgoing person and still hate speaking publically. I am extremely shy but if I was at my parents funeral I would speak, because they are my parents.

pr3ttybr0wn · Answer

It was a funeral, maybe they were too emotional to speak. Not everyone can be a great orator at a time like that

SandraSlip · Answer

So how can you tell who is actually suffering from depression / anxiety and who us only using it as an excuse? It always seem difficult to me to tell them apart when I have just met them.

AD5866 · Answer

No, it isn't being disrespectful. Some people just get extremely nervous when it comes to social interaction, like me. Its not like we WANT to be shy, I would die just to have a few friends, but we can't help it.

still_waiting · Answer

Only in that instance could shyness be considered selfish and even then, funerals are for the living dude

timewarper · Answer

Yes too self absorbed to speak out for others.

JamielovesKU · Answer

No its not disrespectfully selfish

Is shyness disrespectfully selfish?

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