When a married man has a crush on another woman?

[Anonymous]

When a married man has an intense crush on a woman outside of the marriage, and he pursues her. Does that mean that he's interested only in sex or that he's looking to potentially leave his wife?

P. s. I'm not the woman being pursued here and I'm not having an affair with anyone!! But keen to get male views on the matter, ideally from men that have been in this position before.

[serious]

"When a married man has an intense crush on a woman outside of the marriage, and he pursues her. Does that mean that he's interested only in sex or that he's looking to potentially leave his wife?"

When a married man is pursuing a relationship outside of his marriage then it is a clear indication of him wanting to have an affair with some other woman but at the same time it may not necessarily indicate that he only wants sex from the other woman, it's possible that the other woman is much more attractive ( looks or personality wise or both) compared to his wife and so he is naturally drawn towards her, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't like his wife.

I am trying to say that his wife is likeable but the other woman is lovable so a man having a crush on some other woman and pursuing her at the same time means he wants two woman in his life at the same time.

Mostly that's what it means, but whatever his reasons are he is definitely indicating towards wanting to cheat on his wife.

[Asker]

He is without a doubt going to cheat. Without a doubt, it's happening. They're going away together so they both are investing effort into this now.

[Asker]

I just think ok... maybe if it's just sex, then he'll have sex with her and get it out of his system. But if he's much more invested than just sex then this is only going to get worse!!! Unless they discover that they're actually not very sexually compatible.

[serious]

"I just think ok... maybe if it's just sex, then he'll have sex with her and get it out of his system."

Okay, I understand that, but then what makes you think that he will just have sex with her once and then be completely satisfied and stop that? What makes you so sure that having sex with someone and being satisfied is a " One time thing"? I mean it is not a given that he will stop after having sex with her, it depends on his desire for having sex, if his desire is very high then I don't think he is going to stop after having that once.

No matter what it's cheating, no doubt.

[Asker]

I guess I'm hoping he just gets it out of his system and he can then go home, back to his wife. Another worry is that this about so much more than sex and if he's already so attracted to her personality etc. That he's in way too deep for anything to even stop now.

[serious]

Yes, I do understand the point you are making.

[8plusInches]

its mainly if not completely about sex or sexual fantasies. he might like her&her personality but unless she's exactly what he's looking for in like everyway and wants to leave his wife then he probably just wants sex or intimacy with her. he might just stop after one time but if its good it might take a few time to get out of his system¬ be dying to have sex with this other woman. my guess is anywhere from 2-5 times before he can get it out of his system, but that depends on how easy seeing her is too? if he can see her easily it could be double those numbers till he starts stops wanting to see this new girl. if you know his wife then ask her a 2weeks after you know he's had sex with this new woman, but ask her how their sex life is? if they have had sex after he's been with the new girl then she'll likely tell you recently had great sex, just dont tell her its cause he just cheated, having sex with a new woman can really make me be even more into sex with a girl I'm with

[8plusInches]

if you the guy, his wife or the new girl then ask if any of them like 3somes? I'm sure he would and there's a good chance either his wife or the new girl might really like them or want to try a 3some. and if either girl is interested you should strongly suggest a 3some. that way its all in the open and not cheating. and he can have both women at least once if not more if they all enjoy it. and in this scenario the isn't getting screwed over and she might have a great time and then he doesn't have to hide being attracted to other woman and when he is he can share it with his wife. if this happens then he's just gotta hope she doesn't do it then later wanna have her husband and another guy in the future unless he'd want that too

just wondering how old is everyone your talking about

[Asker]

They're all in their mid 30s. I'm really close with his wife which is why this is even harder. I highly doubt she'd be interested in a threesome, she isn't a very sexual person and although I know they have a healthy sex life, she wouldn't be one to do anything out of the ordinary.

[FemWorship]

Sounds like trading up to me
or The One type he's always lusted after but "settled" too soon
wold be the worse case scenarios.

The best scenario begins with stories written by prostitutes that report the services most requested of them are those refused at home. Ergo, figuring out the specifics of "her" attraction To Him, then adopting some of these gradually over time, HAS produced dramatic trend reversal effects and plenty hot, renewed "dating times"

Can you begin this process by listing a few of these attributes for us?

[Asker]

A few of the attributes of his wife?

[FemWorship]

Am I such a poor writer?
of a woman outside of the marriage

[FemWorship]

I was reading this (poorly?) as if the wife was writing it = may be the confusion

[Asker]

Ah ok, I haven't met her but I've seen a photo. And she's very different to his wife. (The man is my brother by the way!).

His wife is quite plane - she's very tall (6ft) and although she's attractive looking, I personally don't think she makes a lot of herself. The woman from work that he's interested in is shorter and fatter! But she has has big boobs and some really nice curves in comparison to my sister in law. She's also pretty and definitely puts effort into her appearance, long styled hair, nice makeup, she dresses really nice for her shape and wears nice jewellery. So very very different

[FemWorship]

What to DO sis?
As a wild & crazy guy, I see a solution in sis getting everyone together, via family dinner, dance classes, whatever it takes for the three of them to get to know the others - goal is to make friends that would never cheat on each others + "familiarity breeds contempt" rules that he becomes less enamored once he sees the coworker as everyday friend and finally sees through the makeup and fatty parts.

[FemWorship]

Such also gives the wife the insight to borrow some of the siren's tricks to work at home to her own benefits

[Asker]

I can't really interfere like that - I doubt he would allow them to both be in the same room together. I've suggested that he speak to his wife about his crushing on a colleague but he won't. He's hell bent on getting with this other woman that he doesn't want his wife to put a stop to it!! I'm just not sure if he's actually thinking he'll leave his wife for this woman or if he just wants/needs a fling

[FemWorship]

Yes you can interfere for love of brother & SIL, just sayin' but covertly might be best.

Obviously HE will bar all overt attempts to have them both in same room - you knew that from the get-go, correct?

Ergo the family dinner you arranged after meeting the siren & inviting her/date over,
the dance class gift certificates you hand out,
even inviting your new best friend siren over to brother's house to pal around (his surprise). inviting new friend siren & wife to lunch outing or gals-night-out.

EVEN IF he's just daydream lusting after her innocently.

[Asker]

I don't know the other woman so would be very weird for me to invite her to dinner. Very weird indeed! And I doubt she'd come as she doesn't know me. My brother has said this is the most intense attraction he's ever felt, and that she feels it too. He said they just know without the other one saying a word, it's all in their eyes apparently. Said he's drawn to her like some kind of magnet. They've arranged to go away together for a few days

[FemWorship]

You GET to know her! It's not that hard for a gal to figure out how to befriend another gal!
You DO want to do something? There's no magic on GAG that will simply flip this switch for you...

[Asker]

I can't overstep the mark - it's not my place to interfere. I'd like to talk some sense into my brother but apart from that, my hands are pretty tied. Of course the other woman and my brother will know exactly what I'm up to.

[FemWorship]

This siren has done this before and only she's survived.
If it's really gone this far... a getaway.
A real sis would pack up the wife and "run into them" well prior to anyone doing irreversible naked damage.

[jazmiine]

probably looking for some action. he is probably getting bored with the same routine and situation in a married life like the fire he holds for his wife is dying. or he wants younger body. if he wants to save his marriage he should try some things to rekindle that fire.

[8plusInches]

like talk to his wife, who knows she might suggest or wishing for a 3some? or they could try other stuff sexually that they want but are too scared to ask for.

there's also the possibility his wife cheated at some point even if it was years ago and he wants to even the score kind of?

[MikkiM]

i think thats bad, seems like there's a problem in their marriage

[8plusInches]

thats the correct answer. your are a very smart and pretty girl!

[Vanjasper]

Depends on what the basis for the attraction, that turned into crushing is. Does she have something his wife doesn't have, is she more attractive, does she show interest in him, what is that interest, is it sexual, or something more.
Men being men, the first port of call is the sex, or the potential for sex.
Leaving his wife. That all depends on the relationship he has with his wife. When there's something lacking in a relationship, on either side, that in general causes people to look for it elsewhere.
It's a complex question that doesn't have black and white answers.

[JohnW42]

There's an attraction either physical or emotional due to the fact that he is not getting the same from his wife, he's bored or no longer interested in his marriage, or simply the fact that he's a pi. When a man is truly in love with his wife (he cannot live without her) there is no "intense crush" on anyone else. That man only sees his wife in everything he does. He will not put himself in any situation for anyone to include that female to think otherwise.

My opinion- he's interested in something physical. The health of his marriage will depend on whether or not he leaves and that's not to say he will be with the "other" woman. If the guy cheats on his wife with whom he made a vow to, I don't believe he could be honest with the other woman.

[Asker]

What's a pi?

This is a really informative answer. I know he's crazy about everything about her - her personality and thinks she's gorgeous. So I'm not sure if this means he's emotionally attracted as well as physically?

[JohnW42]

Sorry PIG!

[JohnW42]

He may be both, but does his wife know about her? Could the three of them have lunch together? If this can happen, it's genuine and the two would be cool as coworkers.

[Asker]

I think his wife is aware that she exists but as a coworker and nothing else. I've tried to encourage him to speak to her but he just won't entertain it. He is hell bent on getting physical with this woman, he's like a man obsessed. They seem to share this weird rare chemistry intuition thing. He said it's like he's drawn to a magnet. He said they look at each other and neither of them even has to say anything - apparently he's never felt anything like it before.

[JohnW42]

It's a physical attraction. What's worse is that it's an office romance that can change after each gets off on each other. If it's good, she will be his side piece. If not... it'll be awkward at work.

[JSmith925]

If he pursues it, it means he has no principles. I have been in this position. One of my wife's closet friends burst into tears and told me she was in love with me. She was also married.
I told her I could not possibly reciprocate and immoderately confided in my wife. Yes, I was tempted. She was gorgeous without even trying.
~JSmith

[kerthle]

It's not necessarily just about sex, it's not even to leave his wife. It can be anything from sex to a relationship to just a short escape from a relationship that doesn't work

[Asker]

In reality, what you're saying is that it could be anything!!

[Asker]

Do you think the marriage is that bad for him and he's so unhappy that this is the only way he feels he's having his needs met?

[kerthle]

Yeah, it could be anything. I think there might be many underlying reasons too. It could be that he doesn't take it all too serious and is more or less okay with cheating. It could be that he's very conflicted and feels that there's no other way to address his own feelings...

[Asker]

I think he's shown that he is very conflicted with his actions to date. (Trying to not pursue her even though he desperately wants to). He seems to have this weird and very strong draw towards her and whatever weakness in him just lets it catch a hold at times.

[kerthle]

Exactly, it's almost something involentary

[Asker]

This is my brother by the way. Him and his wife have been married for 9 years and they have 2 kids. They married in their early 20s and he's now 34. He's met this women through work and is just smitten - said he can't stop thinking about her. Said when he's with her, it's just this magnetic pull and he can't help it. And apparently she feels the same way too (she's also married).

[Asker]

He's saying he doesn't want to leave his marriage (big mortgages, young kids etc), but I can't seem to talk sense into him about how this can't possibly end well! He can't have his cake and eat it. I'm still not sure if there's deeper emotion there for him or if it's just physical lust

[ronnie_simp]

The only honest way to move forward in this is to tell his wife about the crush before he does anything. Who knows, maybe she would want to make it a threesome. If not at least she will be much less hurt that he's thinking about it than that he's done it. Going around sneaking and lying and cheating will only lessen his character and very possibly ruin his life.

[Asker]

I've told him to speak to her but I think he's so caught up in this that he wants to be with the other woman, I don't think he wants to stop it. He's an intelligent man and yet he's making such a foolish decision. I do wonder if he's maybe already decided he'd risk it all for her. Is it even real emotion he's feeling?

[kerthle]

He has to acknowledge that his infatuation is an escape from other problems. Problems that this other woman can't fix

[Asker]

I think he realises that there are problems in the marriage and I don't know if he thinks this woman will solve them... but they share some kind of "rare" intense chemistry/attraction and he is just obsessed by her. And seems she's the same way about him. He said he's never had this experience before, being so drawn to someone

[kerthle]

That rare chemistry is just a commitment to avoidance...

[Asker]

I'm not sure I know what you mean?

[kerthle]

That having this prospect of something new/fresh can make you believe a lot of things that otherwise you wouldn't have. He just wants out and is convincing himself that this is something special when it just isn't

[Asker]

Ok I understand. And maybe you're right, maybe he's looking for a way out and doesn't even realise it himself.

[kerthle]

He needs to, first and foremost, fix his own problems without this other woman

[Asker]

I think that things are just about to get ten times more complicated

[kerthle]

He just broke it off with his wife, or is she pregnant?

[Asker]

Neither - just that he's intent on meeting this other woman. Nothing can stop him

[SnapTsch]

well that is bad, since he is cheating

and a not for the girl in question, if he is cheating on his wife, what makes her think that he'd not cheat on her

she potentially is helping setup the course to destroy the lives of everyone in the family and the entire family as a whole

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is a simple thing to answer actually. You can be in a relationship/marriage and still have intense feelings for another person. The question is: is the marriage the more valuable relationship for him or not?

Love and feelings aren't just that simple as a black and white representation.

[Asker]

I would say from his actions so far that he's prepared to risk it all for this other woman. But on the other hand, he is conflicted about his feelings and did try to minimise contact with her for a short period. That didn't work though as he still couldn't get her out of his head - so he's decided to just go for it!

[Opinion Owner]

well, it's better than staying with someone he isn't committed to. When this situation presents itself to someone, the hardest position to be in, is the one that has to decide between the two options. Leaving someone is very tough, you'll perhaps be happier but you've also lost so you can't really have a good feeling until you really decide. To be left by someone isn't nice, feels like crap, but you didn't have to be depressed about your decision... .

[Anonymous]

When I was an investment banker, I knew a lot of men who were sugar daddies. Some of them were even in love with the girls but they also loved their families and kids. They would stop and see other girls. From what I know, only one man got caught and divorced. Another guy was seeing the same sugar baby for 8 years. They were practically husband and wife.

Why I'm saying this is because sometimes it's just the sex, other times it's about love, and sometimes it's about emotional companionship.

[Asker]

He's 34 and the other woman is a similar age - and he's not quite rich enough to be a sugar daddy! I wonder if he's already chosen to risk everything to be with this woman as there's just no talking to him. It's my brother by the way. They married young and have been married 9 years and have 2 kids. I think he thinks he respects his wife but he's obviously missing something at home (sex, emotion maybe?). He likes his stable home life and they have a lot of financial commitments together but yes he seems head over heels for this other woman.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm not saying your brother's a sugar daddy. I'm saying that's what I've seen in my experience. This might be a legitimate affair. Even with the sugar babies, sometimes it gets more serious than just the money.

[Asker]

I want to slap him silly. You rarely hear of someone that has an affair and it turns out to be their soul mate. I only know of one couple and sadly, 4 years in to their relationship together, he was filled in a car crash.

[Opinion Owner]

well... I'm sorry for your predicament and moreso for your brother's wife and kids'. Hope it all works out.

[Asker]

Thank you. It's going to be a disaster. He's going away with this woman so all I can hope for right now is that they discover they're just not compatible sexually and that it dies an immediate death

[Opinion Owner]

have you talked to him?

[Asker]

Yes until I'm blue in the face. I've tried not to lecture as I haven't been in this situation before and I've tried listening and letting him vent to me. I've encouraged him to speak to his wife but I know he won't. She'll put a stop to all of this and he just wants to be with the other woman right now. I don't even think he can explain the compulsion he feels to be with her. He said they were sat in the back of a taxi together when away on a work trip and he just had this urge to just reach out and touch her. He didn't! But obviously through whatever is happened, they share some kind of rare connection as she seems as potty about him as he is about her.

[Asker]

I don't know if they think they're soul mates or something but they do seem to share some intense chemistry of sorts

[Opinion Owner]

yeah looks like it

[Asker]

He reckons he's never ever had this sort of connection with someone else. He said they look at each other and it's like they know exactly what the other is saying, without even using the words.

[Asker]

I dunno, maybe it is something special there but he needs to do the honourable thing I think and end it with his wife before he pursues it, not test drive the other woman first before deciding what he's going to do.

[Opinion Owner]

agreed

[lEat70sBush]

This is one reason why I'm never getting married. Such situations are expensive to deal with.

[RD196]

May be he is going through a bad marriage n wants love n comfort outside marriage.. he is cheating on her is given fact. but the reason behind this is more imp. that shud be discussed n be out in open to. solve the problem

[Justinaveragedude]

It means he is a cheating bitch. He may leave his wife, and then he will cheat on the new girl. He can't keep his penis in his pants.

[curiousTexan]

He could leave the marriage in a heart beat of she is the right woman.

[Asker]

Even with the joint mortgage, finances and 2 young children?

[curiousTexan]

Absolutely. Anything can be worked out for love.

[Asker]

I definitely am beginning to wonder how much he loves his wife. I think he thinks he loves her but she's an old comfortable shoe, and he wants passion and fireworks. But surely the passion and fireworks would never last

[catelyntje]

It means he's a hoe and a cheater

[Danny_dan92]

It means he is an unfaithful fuck boy.

[Regular1]

Yes, I just want sex in that situation.

[eagle1951]

probably just looking for and affair

[Anonymous]

he's an ass

[KaranSharma55]

I think only sex

[Asker]

Do you think that a man can feel an emotional draw to a woman yet only be interested in a physical relationship with no attachement?

[KaranSharma55]

Slightly but he wouldn't break up with his existing