Why is he avoiding eye contact?

[Anonymous]

Hello all, so there's this guy at my office (I'm new) he's nice and out going

First day he introduced himself and offered some snacks. He was pretty normal than eye contact and everything lol.

Next day I said Good Morning and he ignored me.

Since then I always see him "glancing" at me when passing by he thinks I don't see him and when I turn to look back at he nearly breaks his neck trying to turn away. This is an everyday occurrence.

The other day HE initiated a conversation starting with a compliment the whole time he avoided eye contact even when I was speaking (not even a glance it was weird and low key rude 😂)
It was about something on my computer but he was sitting there behind me talking with his buddies for a good 20 mins and mid convo he starts talking about the thing on my computer so I'm like how long have you been looking at my computer.

I'm pretty quiet and keep to myself I usually ignore his presence which involves not looking in his direction not avoiding his path (so I'm not scurrying around and looking weird, basically acting like nothing weird is going on). Unless he initiates it because I am not rude and even when he does I keep it pretty short.

What do you guys think about this situation?
Maybe he'd like to be friends but is kind of awkward? (Doesn't make sense to me because he's so outgoing)

Maybe I'm giving off some weird vibes which makes him act weird.

P. S. His friends sit by me they barely talk to me I don't know if that sheds more light on the situation

Thanks in advance !

Yes there's something up

Nothings up he's just werid

Nah you're thinking into it to much

Updates

+1 y

Well unfortunately Steve I’m sorry to say that you are wrong again !

I am black specifically Jamerican (Jamaican/American ) haha. My family is from Jamaica but I born and grew up in the U. S. .

I don’t have any Asian lineage, well at least none that I know of. Although when my mother brought me home from the hospital a lot of people asked her where did she get this Chinese baby from because to them I looked Asian.

What gave off the impression that I’m Asian?

What do you look like Steve?

[SteveSmith1985]

So at first I was thinking "yeah right, common is this girl for real? Like she doesn't know what's going on here." then I read the rest, and now I'm thinking you might genuinely need some insight here...

Well I have some new for you. I'm gonna say I'm around 93% sure that this guy likes you. I mean he " likes you" likes you. As in he's interested in you. Sexually.

Admittedly it's more the schoolyard than the office that you'd likely see his behaviour... But he's just shy, feels awkward and emberrased around you... But only because he gets those good ol' butterflies around you gets all nervous and can't look you in the eye.

If you genuinely didn't understand that... You both sound cute and innocent as hell, and might just be perfect for each other.

If you might consider dating this guy. Do him a favor. Ask HIM out. He clearly wants to, but if he can't look you in the eye, it may take him years to actually ask you. If you aren't interested in him, just be aware that "yep, him liking you is a thing" and try to make everyday interactions less awkward for him if you can.

[Asker]

😂 Hi Steve thanks for the reply. I'm 22 and admittedly I've never had a boyfriend/dated before. So with that lack of experience I try to keep preconceived notions of dating/attraction which mostly come from entertainment at a halt. Even when I do feel something is up I second guess myself thinking that person is just being nice or friendly just to avoid jumping the gun. Mostly to avoid a awkward situation.

[SteveSmith1985]

You know what, after re-reading what I wrote, I'd like to apologize. I wasn't intending to come off quite so rude and sarcastic. If I had said exactly the same thing to you face to face, where you can see that I'm smiling and hear the way I'm saying it, It would have be all good. Unfortunately sometimes my personality doesn't translate well into the online world.

I didn't realize you had never had a boyfriend. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact most guys would consider it a good thing. No previous relationship baggage bullshit. Look at it as a "positive" because your first boyfriend probably will look at it that was as well. 😉

Not letting those preconsieved ideas about attraction/dating from moulding your ideas, is definitely a good thing. Keep doing that. On the other hand, that gut instinct telling you somethings probably up, is generally to be trusted.

As for second guessing yourself. EVERYONE does that. The most popular girls do that (if they might be interested back). Second guessing is fine, just don't be thick about it. Sometimes you'll KNOW someone has feelings for you because they're making that pretty damn clear. That's when second guessing becomes silly and/or it becomes a way to get other people to affirm that "yea of course he likes you, just look how he..." even though they know damn well already. That unnecessary affirmation is pretty much attention-seeking, and that's frankly, where I was incorrectly assuming you were coming from... At least initially. Clearly you weren't. Again, I'm sorry.

But now that we're buddies... Is this good news or not so good news for you? In other words, are you possibly interested in this guy?

[Asker]

No need to apologize I really appreciate your input on my situation I was actually laughing when I read it lol.

My bad I didn’t mention my lack of experience it in the original post, its something people make a big deal about so I usually keep it to myself.

Hahaha yeah we’re buddies now. As for is it good news 🤔? I’m unsure, I find him attractive and appreciate him being nice and his attempts to connect with me but I would like to get know him more before consciously making that decision.

If I’m being honest relationships scare me. Not the commitment but more so I share my vulnerabilities with someone and they stomp on them/ use them against me.

[SteveSmith1985]

Super glad to hear you were laughing! As for your lack of experience, by all means keep it to yourself if you want, just don't ever think of it as a bad thing. It's not.

And you're right to say you'd need to get to know him better before making a decision. That's especially true in this case because obviously this guy is so shy that he hasn't been able to show you the "real" public him nevermind any of the "real" him (as in the true person behind the masks we all wear for everyone except those closest to us).

It's important that you realize how much power you have over this guy. And that you are conscious not to unintentionally cause harm. I don't know if you've ever really liked someone, but try and remember what it was like if you have. You can make this guys day by shooting him a smile, or choosing to sit next to him at lunch. Conversely, you can ruin his day, make him feel awful about himself, or just straight up hurt him by doing (or not doing) something else equally mundane. Just pay attention to the little things, because he definitely. Try to make him more comfortable around you while making sure not to "lead him on" (you know, doing things that might make it seem like you're more into him than you in fact are). You my not have any experience, nevertheless, in this case you can consider him as having even less. You are in the driver seat. The one with the more mature attitude towards relationships (I don't care how much experience this guy has... he can't even talk to you... It's cute.. But still...)

[SteveSmith1985]

Lastly, you've really hit the nail on the head when it comes to the vulnerability that is a requirement of a meaningful relationship. Its funny, years back, in trying to pin down some definition of "love" an ex-girlfriend and I were leaning towards something like: "willingly giving to another the power to utterly destroy you, and trusting that they never would". That's not what we settled on. But it is 100% true in any serious relationship.

Being vulnerable like that is scary. It's every bit as scary as you're worried it might be. And frankly most people (myself included) DO get burned and do have the vulnerabilities they've trusted to another stomped on, used against them and its awful beyond description.
BUT there's a good reason people continue to try to find the right person to trust those vulnerabilities to. Being in love is even more wonderful than love-gone-wrong is terrible. It's opens you up to happiness you didn't know was possible. It's amazing but entirely beyond words... Like trying to describe an orgasm to someone who hasn't experienced one... Words simply can't convey the experience.

Anyway, since we ARE buddies now😎, and I'm getting a little emotionally invested in your situation. I would love any updates, and/or would love to give you my 2 cents if things develop or progress. Feel free to shoot me a message anytime 🙂

[Asker]

Wow Steve thanks for the knowledge can you be my life mentor lol?

Its all the subtle things that you explained that I didn’t know that was super important.

As for hurting him I can’t really tell what would hurt him. Mostly because he ignores and avoids me unless he’s with his friends which is when he usually musters up his courage to speak with me (they sit close by).

I guess I’ll try to be more inviting and watch what I say and do around him.

[SteveSmith1985]

Hahaha, life mentor? No. You can do much better. But as for some sort of - - "I'm new to relationships and could use some insight into what might be going on in some stupid guys head" mentor? Happily. Anytime ☺️

Frankly, I've always been pretty good at it, and have had close female friends. I kinda miss doing that! Everyone's getting married or married with kids. Nobody needs me to help interpret their romantic situations anymore. I wasn't kidding when I said I'd be interested in updates and that you could message me whenever.

[SteveSmith1985]

Askers selected your oppinion as most helpful! I feel honored. Glad I could help. And remember to let me know if it goes anywhere! or if there's anything else I can help with. Good luck!

[Asker]

Hey Steve I'm still a level 1 so I can't message you my dumb situations yet.
Soo you remember when you told me that the subtle things can hurt him?
I think that might have happened here's what happened.

I was in the cafe and he was standing there with his friends I was heading in his direction. We made eye contact he kind of tried to leave then he stopped himself (I guess he mustered up the courage). He then blocked my way and smiled at me and I being an awkward and reserved human being (only when I don't know people) looked down and said excuse me as I passed (idk if he even heard me).

Ever since then (a couple of days ago) He's been asking his friends that sit by me to go to his area whereas he use to sit there and ask them questions and chat.

I feel bad that I'm inconveniencing him (if I am the cause of that). I want to try to greet one day (one on one) to make him feel more comfortable but the opportunity hasn't arose yet.

Thoughts? Be as blunt as you want 😂 😂 😂

[SteveSmith1985]

"Asker"!! So good to hear from you! I know all about the pains of level 1 no-messaging. To hopefully make them reconsider I decided to just write thousands and thousands of words in conversations with a single person using these public questions (thanks for being a part of that 👍). Now I'm going to try and see if I can message you (see Im a level 2, but my friend showed me this back when I was just level 1) if I send you a message first, it works. If not I'll be back. Here I mean. And we'll talk about your situation...

[SteveSmith1985]

Apparently not. Maybe because you're anonymous. Doesn't matter. We'll stay public.

So, first of all, you're still cute as hell. You know that face people make when they see newborn kittens? You're account made me make that face several times. Sounds like you've done a perfect job diagnosing what happened. I especially love that you recognized that he had indeed "mustered up the courage".

But I think you might have understated the after-effects of that... episode or whatever you want to call it. Now you recognized that it was a minor thing that hurt him, you saw that it wasn't easy for him to go up to you, but then you worry about "inconveniencing" him when it comes to the lunch seating arrangement? Loved it. You're so funny.

So first of all, similar to the way this guy seems to be relating to you generally, this dude, is being a big baby. I'm literally pulling on the memory of how shit used to work pre-high-school. to interpret this situation. 100% his fault, not yours.

That being said, we've kinda known he was like that all along, just needed re-iterating. Moving on, so his reaction is the typical hurt/rejected reaction of a let's say "young man". It's litterally him going "fine, well me and my friends don't want to play with you anymore, we're going to go and sit over there." It's ridiculous, but it is based on him being REALLY hurt by that exchange.

I don't know hwat he had in his head, but you can bet he had been mustering up courage for days... at least. And I kinda feel for the guy becaue it would be frustrating to tense up, and act like an idiot in front of the girl you like. It would suck to not at least show you "himself" to see if you like it.

I don't think you did anything wrong either. I can totally see how that could go down just like you described. I have nothing at all to criticize about what happened. Dude's awkward. Shit happens... But...

[SteveSmith1985]

(did not spell check that last one... oh well) But... just be aware that the guy's really hurt, he's reacting like a baby, but nevertheless I don't doubt that the hurting behind it is genuine "man" hurt. Again, not because you did do, or didn't do some avoidable thing that you could try and do differently the next time. Shit happens.

It's a matter of what you do from here. So the guy's in grade 7 sulk-mode. He feels tottally snubbed, rejected, emberrassed, and definitely doesn't know what the hell it means, or why you all of a sudden seemed to not like him, and especially: now (EVEN more than before) he really doen't know what to say to you. He doesn't know what the hell's going on. He's gone from butterflies when he sees you, to a pit in the stomach when he sees you.

There is a solution. I am 100% confident in this solution. That isn't necessarily to say that it will work for sure, although I'm very confident in that as well... But it's 100% the only thing to do. Here it is.

You need to take initiative, go up to him, pull him aside privately for a second. I realize you're shy, and that that's not an easy thing for you to do. But It's really the only thing to do. Keep in mind, this guy is EVEN shyer (I don't know if that makes it easier... but maybe?).

1. You need to directly, and explicitly acknowledge what happened head on 2. you can then make up whatever small excuse you think best to spare his feelings for not stoping to talk to him. You know: i was distracted... I just spaced out... if you want to be a champiopn, you can blame your shyness--knowing full well, that he knows that you know that he's shy as fuck around you--while also telling the actual truth. But that's some advanced-level shit. Distracted is probably the way to go.

So anyway, something like, "Hey I just wanted to talk to you about when I might have seemed to walk right by you, (or not notice you or whatever), I just wanted to appologize I was distracted, or something something "my period"

[SteveSmith1985]

Dammit! forgot spellcheck again! Anyway, you're saying sorry... was just... realized after that it must've seemed rude, and you guys stopped coming to sit over here. or stopped coming to chill with me (you know, whatever your personal flavor). I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it... I'd love to still be friends (or just hope things can go back to the way they were before, or hope things can go back to normal etc).

Write down what you want to say and practice to yourself if that will help. But you GOTTA do it for several reasons. 1. Buddy is much more than inconvenienced. You didn't mean to hurt him. cool. but you can fix it. so you gotta do it. 2. YOU now have awkwardness at work because it's all weird to see him 3. Guaranteed you two being such weirdos is sucking for everyone else you work around. 4. If you still might be interested in anything with this guy, there is zero chance of changing the terrible dynamic that you have at this moment. 5. You've lost your lunch crew. YOU GOTTA DO IT !!

[Asker]

First Steve I am not cute this situation is not cute its serious ! Lmaooo jk jk I honestly this situation is laughable and I do laugh when I write to you. On “paper” this is ridiculous.

You can call me “Mel” if you’d like

I’m sorry I didn’t elaborate. It’s not during lunch when he pulls his friends aside. It’s during working hours because they’re on the same team. So he use to work along side them at their desk now he actively tries to bring them over to his desk. Honestly they’re more his friends then mine I just sit by them. I try to connect with them but the conversation never really goes that far.

Update so yesterday I said good morning and he said it back with a little attitude so at the moment I thought to myself okay I’m not doing that again.

Later in the day he started the conversation and complimented my work. But he does this thing that when I reply to him he doesn’t reply and his friends who don't talk to me then joins in and says something. What is that about? Logically it doesn’t make sense that you start a conversation and do not reply to anything I say. Then your friend joins in when she notices not replying.

This is tiring and I think I’m about stop caring/ being consciously receptive to him and his actions.

Also random thing he keeps talking about happy hour EVERYDAY. And I'm just like hmm is he an alcoholic, red flag😂.

[SteveSmith1985]

Well hell Mel! nice to have a name to put to the personality! Im tired and on my way to bed, soon so am a little fuzzy.

Yesterday, I had a bit of a jarring experience. I was chatting privately with someone from on here, who I've talked to a fair bit. In my mind, she was definitely a somewhat petit, blond, white woman. In conversation, it happened to come up that, in fact, that she Chinese (American).

It's quite strange to find that you pictured someone THAT different from how they actually look.

Then my next thought was... you know, I'll bet I'm equally wrong in my mental image of "Asker" (you, Mel) Then I realized, of course you actually look completely different than my mental image.

See, the picture that became my mental image from you isn't even based on the vaguest of physical descriptions. (you know, 5 foot 250-pound black woman, or a too-skinny Norwegian model-type) So I realized that that image was based on my perception of your personality as it came through in your post, then your first reply (you had a face at that point)

So... I've two questions for you Mel, then I will address your updated situation:

1. Are you aware, that you in your online personality (which I thoroughly enjoy btw) is Asian? That was the picture that formed and stuck. Never even second guessed it till my white friend turned out to be Chinese.

2. Are you in part, or in whole Asian in any way?

now... Mel...

[SteveSmith1985]

Definitely fell asleep. Gotta get ready for work. will write the rest later.

[Asker]

Now
Well unfortunately Steve I’m sorry to say that you are wrong again !

I am black specifically Jamerican (Jamaican/American ) haha. My family is from Jamaica but I born and grew up in the U. S. .

I don’t have any Asian lineage, well at least none that I know of. Although when my mother brought me home from the hospital a lot of people asked her where did she get this Chinese baby from because to them I looked Asian.

What gave off the impression that I’m Asian?

What do you look like Steve?

[Asker]

Yeah no problem get your rest and have a good day !

[SteveSmith1985]

Jamerican! I've never heard that term before, but I love it. See, I'm glad I asked. I don;t really know what exactly made me assume you were Asian. It's just how I pictured you, and never really thought twice about it until I was so wrong about the other one. After that I realized that it was arbitrary, and that if you happened to be Asian, it would have been a lucky guess.

But on to your situation:

So... can't help but notice... You didn't take my advice. You didn't even make an attempt. And what do you get? Attitude and more weird shit. Just sayin... 😁

As for the his group of friends part of it, I'd say that dynamic is the same, so as far as interpreting-the-situation goes, my mistake doesn't change anything. Just one of those "you guys used to come sit with us... Until this 'thing' happened, at which point you stopped."

If you're shy, then it's great that you took the initiative, when you said goodmorning to him, especially given the recent frostiness since the day in the cafe.

But... I can't say that I am the least surprised by him giving you back a little attitude. It's simple, because the incident in the cafe hasn't been dealt with (talked about), he's hurt, angry, confused, humiliated and/or insulted. He still has feelings for you strong as ever, but at the same time is REALLY hurt (manifesting as anger) everytime he thinks about you or that incident.

I don't know what he thinks happened in that cafe exchange. By that I mean what happened through his eyes. What EXACTLY is he reacting to? I cannot possibly know. I do recognize the reaction. If you think about it, I'll bet you've seen it too.

Its a tender, immature heart that feels hurt/humiliated, and doesn't know how to relate to the person they have feelings for... Since that's who has just rejected/humiliated them

[SteveSmith1985]

The exact nature of the cause isn't important. It comes down to this, the way he sees it, you, the object of his admiration, out of nowhere, for no reason, decided to act like a complete bitch (or a complete asshole, if it's a female complaining).

As he sees it, you just blindsided him with a rejection/humiliation/insult that he knows he doesn't deserve. That confuses the whole 'thinking you're an earth-bound-angel' thing. Leads to anger, bitterness, internal frustration. If you think he didn't know how to act around you before... he REALLY doesn't know how to act around you now. He doesn't even know what to THINK about you.

You've probably heard something along the lines of "love and hate being close to each other" in terms of distance on a spectrum?

I used to think it was more or less a bullshit saying that had no actual wisdom in it. That not the case. It is very very true. It's a matter of intensity of emotion. Hate is just as intense an emotion as love. If you feel extremely intense love for a person... and you end up hating them... It's an equally extreme intense hate.

In your case were talking about a crush, not love; some dislike at worst, not hatred. But still, he likes you more than anyone else so you "wronging him" hurts more than if anyone else did it. Way more. So now he's in this place of thinking you're wonderful, and "disliking" your guts. Both feelings are much more intense than you would expect, looking from outside.

The only thing i can imagine to possibly explain the whole weirdness with his friend replying for him is maybe:

Is there any chance that this friend is stepping in because of something related to his being shy and awkward? Like could she be saving him from freezing up... Or studdering or something like that. That seems unlikely to...

[SteveSmith1985]

me as well. But it's the only even plausible explanation I could suggest. Honestly, that's weird as hell, and I've never come across anything like it before.

So, you had mentioned that you might just say "fuck it, this is ridiculous, I'm not playing anymore." That is totally an option. Only you can decide if it's worth it. If you have some rudimentary feelings too... That you would be exited to "see where things go" then dont. But if it's more a matter of being flattered coupled with trying to make things easier for this desperately awkward dude, then yea fuck it.

I mean I'll be honest. Most 22 year-old women are not going to have to do this amount of work to "see where it goes" after they find out--from a cool guy on the internet, or some other way--that a guy has a serious crush on them. They never have to work with nearly such a juvenile set of obstacles. (not the cafe thing so much as EVERYTHING else.)

But whether you want to say "Fuck it" or see if you can reel-in this awkward-ass-fish; the solution is the same. Can you guess what it could be?

Exactly. The same. Advice.

You need to expressly pull him aside, and specifically and directly address the cafe incident (as detailed in one of the above post). The longer you wait, the harder and weirder it becomes to talk about that thing that happened X-number of weeks ago. As you know, it's weirder and harder for you to directly bring up that incident than it would have been a few days ago. As far as I know, there is no other way forward. Even if you say "Fuck it", preseumably you're not going to want to have all this awkwardness at work.

[SteveSmith1985]

Honestly, this is some very typical advice of mine. There is SO much bullshit, pain, hurt-feelings, bad-times and such that can be avoided by simply being direct, taking initiative, and having an honest conversation. That goes for romantic relationships, friendships, employers pretty well all relationships.

Misunderstandings, thinking you know what the other person is thinking when really they only think that because they thought that... It's crazy how common it is. And how unnecessary.

Take your case. He feels insulted/rejected/humiliated. You know what incident caused him to feel that way, you can even see why he might have felt that way. But in no way did you intend to reject or humiliate him. You can tell a white lie. You can tell the truth. But if you don't let him know that "look I didn't mean what you think I meant" there is no way you two will ever be cool. And since hurting him was essentially a mistake.

It seems crazy to me to leave him feeling like shit and anymosity towards you, while making your work life shittier because of the tention and awkwardness. When everything can be solved with a simple conversation. Since all you have to do is clear things up. There is no way a conversation can end badly. Right now he's hurt because he misunderstands. Help him understand. Then everything goes back to how it was, but better in that you two are now a tiny bit closer for the talk.

You GOTTA do it! 😉

[SteveSmith1985]

And as for what I look like. Well I'm half white half black but look sorta... Well people guess all sorts of crazy things like philipino, or Indian. But the most common guesses are Spanish. So now that that's all clear...

Haha, i donno, I'm 5"11', I shave my head, I've got a goatee trimmed quite short, I certainly don't go to the gym, nor am I out of shape.

A friend of mine who I grew up with but don't see often said to me the other day: you know, since you've gotten older, and Will Smith has gotten older you look more and more like him (like him now, not Fresh Prince.)

I found it funny. I've never been likened to Will Smith before in appearance. And I don't at all see it. BUT this girl has known me longer than anyone, so I have to give her opinion weight. I remind everybody of "someone famous" that they usually can't put their finger on. Most common are John Legend and then some tennis player I don't know as well as some soccer player I don't know... i suppose whichever ones look most like Will Smith and John Ledgend 😌

[Logorithim]

He's tempted but since it's at work he's holding himself back.

[Dsg1193]

I dunno tbh