Why does my boyfriend of 3 years think we need to do EVERYTHING together?

[Anonymous]

So, yes, I have asked him this question (for those of you who are going to say that I need to ask him versus strangers). He never has an answer. He simply shrugs his shoulders. I do want to tell you guys though that up until last year, he wasn't like this. In fact, he preferred to do things on his own and I was completely okay with this. After all, alone time is much needed for everyone.

So this behavior started small. First it was him wanting to run errands with him and all that and I would to appease him. However, that soon flipped. He then started wanting me to go everywhere with him. And by everywhere, this is not limited to bathroom use. Like he literally wants to take all showers together, calls me into the bathroom whenever he is using it, wants to be up my butt when I am cooking (which means he is in the way), won't go hang out and have a guys night unless I'm invited, etc. Most women would love this but I am actually having a really hard time adjusting. Probably because for 2 years it wasn't like this at all.

Now the tip of the iceberg was a fight that ensued over finances. He has some anger issues (they rarely spark up so it's not overly concerning but is at the same time) so it led to a blow up. He said he needed help but we can't afford therapy so he suggested he get a gym membership so he can go punch around a bag and get out that aggression. Awesome! So he goes and looks at the gym. I stayed home (despite him wanting me to go). When he comes home he tells me he got us the family bundle for $60 a month. I asked why, because I'm not the one who needed or wanted it and he says "We can do it together".

I've told him multiple times I need space but whenever I do, he thinks I'm distancing myself and pushes harder for us to do more together. Why do you think he suddenly changed?

[Finchie40]

It sounds like he is going through insecurity issues , if he feels you are distancing yourself. He might feel you are up to something which yes it’s going to push you further away , or he might of did something , but best thing to do is to sit down and talk to him and find out why this sudden change in him is occurring , ask him why he is acting this way all of a sudden without getting angry at him , if you get angry then he isn’t really going to grasp what you are saying to him. Be polite about it. Their might of been an event in your relationship where he has some unanswered questions , like an argument or something you said that is leaving him with question marks , so he is scared to lose you , or he might of did something behind your back that he is feeling guilty of , the thing with insecurity everyone has it whether they say they do or not and most the time it is caused by unanswered events in a relationship, so don’t jump to conclusions , if you love him best thing to do is support him instead of getting frustrated with him , it sounds like he needs some reassurance. , Again insecurity is a horrible thing and again it’s usually caused by unanswered questions or events that occurred and are hard to talk to your partner about without coming off has being insecure. When my ex was having an affair on me , my gut instincts and insecurities shot through the roof cuz I knew something was up , she got distant from me when before she was always by my side she started excluding me from things and making plans without even thinking of me so her sudden change scared me and I wanted to be close to her even though she was pushing me away , I finally gave her the space but my gut knew something was wrong , when I gave her the space she then used it in her advantage and distance herself even more, I didn’t trust it but I just focused on myself and started distancing myself from her. Until she come smothering me all of a sudden , My gut didn’t trust it 1 bit and thank God I didn’t cuz I busted her having an affair with Another married man / co worker, so if it wasn’t for my gut instincts and insecurities I would of never knew she was cheating on me , so word of advice, it could be that your boyfriend was up to something as well since the sudden change , but don’t accuse him cuz a cheater will cover their tracks more, Beat thing to do is communicate with them without arguing and being frustrated and get to the bottom line without pushing them away further.

[Asker]

Very good advice. I will take this in whole-heartedly. Thank you!

[Finchie40]

No problem , hope everything works out for ya

[Anonymous]

you need to set boundaries big time. why would he think you would want to see him in the bathroom using it when he's taking a dump or piss. brushing teeth shaving combing hair maybe and shower ok I get where that leads to, but the toilet uh a little scratch that a lot weird. as for me I used to have a gym membership not anymore I just work out at home either with free weights or a weighted vest and free weights. as for a punching bag I use my walls in my apartment putting my fist through when I get angry. lol I still have a couple of scars on my right fist from last time and the time before that. what changed drastically last year to this year to make him act this way?

[Asker]

Nothing changed drastically aside from Covid and how it affected our household. I went from working 60 hours a week to losing my job a week after Covid hit due to the business being forced to close. Other than that there were no drastic changes. That I am aware of anyhow!

[Smoke-n-Growls]

He's becoming codependent.

It's not going to get better. Especially not without therapy.

If you really want to stay with him (I would advise not), then call around to various therapists and ask if they offer sliding scale or financing options.

Force him to refund the family gym membership and tell him he needs to be comfortable doing things on his own and leaving you some you time, too.

But honestly? This is probably who he really is. Around this time in a relationship is when both people start to just relax into their "normal" states. Meaning this is just how the dude really is.

Time to find a better match, I think.

[ineedatan]

Was there a situation or event that he personally went through or the two of you faced which shifted this change of behavior?

Boundaries need to be clearly stated and respected asap! He sounds suffocating and intoxicating. Refuse to do things you personally don't wish to do. But tell him there are and will be days together with him. Stress your need of personal space and alone time.

If he still doesn't understand the message take days where you stay at a friend's place or your parent's, and tell him you wish to have time with other people and care for him to do so as well. But still go and plan dates where you two can go on.

[Asker]

I truly cannot think of what the "turning point" may have been. I was working nearly 60 hours a week before Covid hit and even on my days off, he wasn't up my bottom. However, now that I lost my job due to Covid (and about a month before that as well) he has just been super clingy and needy. He literally won't even bring the garbage down by himself (even if it's only like 2 bags). He just acts like he needs me with him 24/7. Yesterday I did have a little talk with him after I made him go to the gym ny himself and it did help a little, I think. I explained to him that he is smothering me (this really upset him) and he told me that he felt I was pulling away from him and that's why he has been overbearing. But he did say he was going to work on it and I told him I would do the same.

[lovedejj_xo]

I had to set boundaries with my boyfriend it got to the point where he was annoyed that I went to the grocery store without him. I told him I like space to be by myself sometimes it’s the grocery store.

[karangill]

He's mommy's boy. Get him his mommy or become one. Or introduce him to jordan peterson, so he can come out of this pathetic state.

[babybae96]

He loves you. I’d like that. However some personal space is also advised... 🤪

[DavidDong]

Seems very clingy or very loving

[DeltaCharlieEcho]

He doesn't trust you because you have clearly and recently given him a reason not to and he's trying to be nice about it.

How many times have you cheated on him lately.

[Asker]

How many fucking times have you been cheated on recently? Just because your choice of women clearly sucks doesn't mean that everyone else's does, asshole. Go fuck yourself.

[Asker]

I'm still baffled by the fact that a man who looks like he beats women and children for fun has the audacity to accuse me of cheating simply because my boyfriend wants to be up my ass.

[ChocoBrownieMonster]

LMAO... glad im single.

[sheikalana]

He became emotionally dependent.

[jimmy2]

I think he want to marry you

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Oof, if this is his approach to that then holy hell that's a bad idea.