My boyfriend of 6 years doesn't talk much about marriage, but when he drunk he calls me "his wife" and talks about marriage. Should I be concerned?

[Anonymous]

We have been together for 6 years and whenever I talk to him about marriage it seems like he shy's away from the conversation. But, whenever he drinks (which is like 3-4 times a year) he always talks about it. On his birthday in March, he kept referring to me as his "wife" to all of his friends, and this past weekend when he had a BBQ at his house with his friends, he kept bringing up what his good friend would say in his best man speech at our wedding.

For context, we are NOT engaged but I would like to be. It has been six years and I have given up some big things in my life for him and I do not feel like it is being reciprocated. I moved to be closer to him, but we do not live together even though that is what I want, and its always the same excuse over and over again and I am starting to get really fed up with feeling like I am not a priority. He still lives with his parents and that is why I think he is hesitant to move out - he has dinner made for him every night, laundry done, and doesn't have to worry about "adult" responsibilities. Meanwhile, I live alone, do my own cooking and laundry, cleaning, and am a full functioning adult. I don't know what to do. I am having dinner tonight with my boyfriend and I want to bring up all of my concerns, but I need help in figuring out what to say. Does anyone have suggestions?

[MTC29]

Yes, he's like to be married, but he has it dicked living at home with no bills and no worries. Having a wife, even marrying a women as sensible and mature as you seem to be, will mean taking on responsibilities. As big step for a man who essentially hasn't grown up yet, and likely has not plans to do so soon.

I don't know how many "serious" talks the two of you have had on the issue of engagement, but you need to have one. Maybe not tonight, but soon because right now, rather than moving forward, you're just spinning your wheels.

You're not a little girl right out of high school, you are a grown woman who is, in your own words, fully mature. Like any grown woman, you have expectations, but they aren't being met. Nothing is going to change in the relationship unless you take charge and change it.

I hope you get a ring on your finger!

[Asker]

I think I want to have the conversation tonight. I am not scared to, we've been together for so long I am never afraid to talk to him about anything, but what do you suggest I say to him without insulting him? I don't want to be like "you don't want this because you like having your mom make you dinner every night". I want to have a mature and honest conversation without taking jabs at each other.

[MTC29]

Yes, the wrong approach would be saying, "You don't want this because you like having your mom make you dinner every night." That automatically turns him defensive and an argument could result.

Try something along the line of, "I've never been the type of woman (always use the word woman, never say the word girl) who enjoyed casual dating. My goal was to be a in a relationship, and when I met you it happened," and talk about some of the good/great things that the two of you have enjoyed.

Now, it's time to gently lower the boom. "I feel that we're no longer moving forward, and I'm confused as to why? I understand that COVID has caused a major impact in everyone life, but I need reassurance that once the word gets back to normal, the two of us can take another step forward in our relationship."

When he asks what that step is, don't say marriage, but tell him the truth: although you feel secure with him, you also feel that by now, the two of you should be engaged. The give him a little bit of girly talk about how nice it makes you feel when he's had a bit to drink and he calls you his wife. Also mention how much you enjoy being with his friends, whether you really like then or not.

This course of action won't put a ring on your finger tonight, but it should give you a better look at where you currently stand, and where, if anywhere, you might be headed. You seem like a very nice young woman. I hope that things turn out well!

[Pyrofox]

I think he's just subconsciously wants the marriage but is scared he might lose everything if it doesn't work out. Guys generally don't marry cause they fear that the girlfriend is only in it for the money.. And the ability to have a roof over their head.

[Asker]

I have heard this argument before, but the thing that always confuses me about that in my situation is that I have my own roof over my head, and take care of myself and make the best life for myself as I can. I am not dating him for money, and I always want to provide for myself because that is important to me - and he knows that. What else do you think it could be then?

[Pyrofox]

here's the reality of many divorce courts. They are biases towards the wife/mother. With in southern parts of the US as an example giving the wife as much as legally ownership of as much as 80 to 90% of the mariages gross wealth. Thats income and physical items. Leaving the now ex husband with pretty much nothing. As they get burried under not just the loss of wealth but also paying in many times also paying for the kid. So now that 60K or even more per year annual income drops to a unbelieveable like 12k or even less. If the soon to be ex wife is going to the extreme. Its part of the reason husbands who make 5x or even 10x more than their wifes are requiring PRENUP's making it clear that even with the marriage said wife. Should things hit the fan the wife is legally only able to take AT MOST half and often times less than half the gross wealth. And that they are legally bound also to listen to this ruling should will be enforced. Lots of men are forced to think about their own future even beyond the marriage. There is no real reward for men being a great husband. Its either oh your great husband and society doesn't notice it. Or the other extreme where society and even ex wifes often come off as they want to physically, monetarily and psychologically want to castrate the husband if the marriage goes south. Which is resulting in men being a lot more cautious to tie the knot if there is really no positive to get married. If marriage means you run the risk of losing EVERYTHING you earned and lose the ability to see your own kids its becoming rapidly apparent its just best to stay more than friends but not married. Cause its not worth the risk. The risk essentially is out weighing the pleasure of being married.

[Pyrofox]

When marriage can literally ruin a mans life it really makes men have to take the hard breaks on the idea of marriage as its like a double edged playing the lottery of sorts. Sure you don't want your girl going around and cheating on ya and yes marriage is the best way to make sure that doesn't go down. At the same time the fact that should a marriage go south can mean losing both children and 80 plus percent of your lifes wealth in what can be a blink of an eye. Makes marriage just seem like a "hot unnecessary mess." And to be clear when I say lose the ability to see ones kids I mean legally you get arrested if you are caught visiting your kids. >.> Yeah thats how harsh divorces even in the US get. If you don't win the rights to in divorce courts. Things get really ugly if things aren't working out. Marriage is nice but there is HUGE costs for every benefit that comes with it.

[Asker]

I am just dating him right now, not even engaged and definitely not thinking about divorce, so I am not sure if this is even in his thought process. I also do not believe in divorce. My parents and his parents have respectively been married for almost 30 years each, so that is something that I aspire to have.

[Pyrofox]

Shit happens guys are no longer thinking just about the first move they are forced by society to be like chess players. Its not fun. >.>

[BlacklightShade]

If he's not talking seriously about marriage after six years he probably never will.

[Asker]

That's my biggest fear. What do you think I should say to him to start a conversation and get him to either open up about the idea of it or to be honest and let me know what he truly wants?

[BlacklightShade]

He will try to avoid the conversation if he can so you need to stand your ground if you want to talk about it. You may be disappointed in what he has to say so be prepared.

[Browneye57]

Suggestions? Yeah... get a NEW guy.
If this guy isn't the best thing that's ever happened to you, and you're not just all gaga over him, cut him loose and find one who IS.
Why are you wasting six years of your life for... WHAT?

And don't give us the 'oh but I just love him' bullshit either.

[Asker]

I wouldn't say "oh but I just love him..." that is a very juvenile way of thinking. It's not that he doesn't want these things, its that he doesn't really like to talk about them (or only does when I bring it up).

[Browneye57]

You picked him honey. This is YOUR problem, not mine, juvenile or not.
Your ENTIRE purpose or job, for dating someone, is to be able to make a determination as to their worthiness, whether it's a match or not. To be discerning.
You're falling down on the job. He'll do this with everything. And if you don't like it and you sign on anyway, you'll be faced with frustration and anxiety for the rest of your life.

[Asker]

First of all, please do not call me "honey". Also, I never said this is your problem. Obviously I was the one who asked for opinions, and I wouldn't ask for an opinion for something that I didn't need advice with, so yes, this is MY problem.

Second, the whole point for an opinion was so that I can figure out what the best thing for myself is, and what I should do. I am not "falling down on the job". I am a 25 year old woman who is only looking for opinions, which you clearly gave me, but no need to share your snarky comments in the process.

[Browneye57]

First of all, EAT ME. You don't like it, fuck off.
I don't need your patronizing bullshit. FUCK OFF AGAIN.
If you don't want comments, snarky or otherwise, DON'T POST THE Q.
Pink anon... hiding behind your keyboard. What a total fucking douche bag.

[Asker]

Alright, I am not here to fight. Calling me a "total fucking douche bag" adds nothing to your life or mine. I would rather spread positivity. I hope you have a blessed day!

[Browneye57]

And now it's plain to see why you've been hanging out for SIX WHOLE GODDAM YEARS and you've got NOTHING!!

[Asker]

I have plenty in my life, thank you very much. Have a great day!

[Browneye57]

But YOU asked the silly question, complaining about your relationship on a public internet forum.
LOSER!!!

[Asker]

God Bless!