Is It Selfish For A Guy Friend To Confess He's In Love With You If He Knows You're In A Committed Relationship?

Question

Why Confess And Potentially Ruin The Friendship If She's Unavailable?  "This is a serious question... Be nice/helpful OR be blocked for wasting my time... Simple instructions"

virtue2332 · Accepted Answer

I personally think it's selfish but it doesn't mean there isn't a huge gray area. Not really a gray area but worthy of explanation. I think communication is key and you should always say how you feel and preach what you believe in with an open mind so you don't miss out on the opportunity to understand the mindset of the people who disagree with you. Everthing is situational and there could be times when it is not a selfish act so I based my answer from a the position of that person may have had ample opportunity to confess but only did when he realized that this person's relationship is serious and fear of missing out kicked in. Or you liked them at one time and now that you moved on they confess. Even though I believe it's important to speak your truth I also feel strongly that if you really and truly care about someone. Like real love not that fake lust shit it wouldn't be possible to confess your feelings to someone if you saw that they were happy and in a good relationship. If you care about someone on that deep of a level you wouldn't do anything selfish like that especially if you knew it would cause that person unnecessary problems or emotional stress because that's not what someone that cares that deeply for someone would do unless they were ___________ you know where I'm going with this. I'm not even saying being selfish in certain circumstances is a 100 percent bad thing especially when it comes to things like survival. When it's comes to love it's not going to be something that has any long term value that I can see.

ConnorJHutton531 · Accepted Answer

It essentially is selfish.
It is not worth shooting your shoot after the fact that they’ve moved on from you. There is just no point in confessing your love to them, even half-expecting them to date you. They would already be happy in a relationship as they are anyway. Why ruin it?
I have this same (non) situation with a family friend I’ve known since I was three. I’ve had feelings for her for as long as I can remember, but for whatever reason I haven’t confessed to her ever. She went off to University and I didn’t see her for five years. Eventually I found out she had a boyfriend. On social media she posts about him, and they do look happy together, I must say. I see her post that he’s ‘my best friend’ in her IG stories and, even though it hurts sometimes, it’s okay. One might say something like ‘things just don’t work out sometimes’ but that wouldn’t be right. It did work out - for THEM. They’re happy and that’s what matters.
So bottom line: it is selfish to confess your love to a longtime female friend when she’s in a happy relationship. There’s no point in confessing, so don’t. Nothing will come out of it. Don’t try to ruin a relationship just because YOU want her. They’re happy - that’s what matters.
It is okay to move on and find someone else like her, or even someone similar for that matter. This is a big world with a lot of different people, which means there’s a lot of different and amazing girls too.

crazyish · Accepted Answer

I agree that he could check in if you're asking how he is. And I understand why you think he doesn't consider your feelings but have you considered his feelings? Could you help falling in love with who you are in a committed relationship with? And if y'all are friends then aren't friends supposed to be honest with each other? I'm not saying you have no reason to feel upset about it but imagine how he feels being in love with someone he can't have. He probably couldn't just be your friend anymore so he took a chance by telling you this. Would you have rathered he just disappeared without an explanation? He was being real to you. Honest. I think you're being selfish if you're only worried about how what he did ruined things for yourself. He lost a friend too. He doesn't get to be with the person he loves and he got rejected. He probably thought that maybe there was a chance you might feel the same.. I don't believe people should be shamed for telling the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear. There are too many fake people as it is. Just my opinion. Not being mean. Maybe cut your friend some slack. Im old so I know life is too short, if you love someone why wouldn't you want to tell them?

SashaAMB · Accepted Answer

I’ve been the woman who did not know that a great guy I was interested in her feelings for me. That sucks.

If you love her and you value her as a friend, you can tell her in a way that respects her relationship and still sets up that if she does decide for other reasons to end her relationship, you would like to know. For example:

”Heather, you are one of my dearest friends because you are so understanding and compassionate. And I trust you deeply, enough to tell you that I have feelings for you. I respect that you are with Ben and would never get in the way of that. I care about your happiness. I just wanted you to know that if we are ever single at the same time, I would be really honored to Yale you on a date. And even if that never happens, I will always be there for you as a friend.

I really appreciate you listening to that. It has been weighing in me and it is a big relief to tell you. If this information becomes a weight for you, and you want a little space while you process it, I understand. I will be here for you when you are ready, either to resume our friendship or to explore dating each other.”

coachTanthony · Answer

Yes it is and it's very very selfish indeed. I would say it's mostly ego.

SystemOfTheMachine · Answer

I don't find it overtly selfish because the man is usually in extreme torment. I am speaking from experience on this. I was in love with my best friend from college and she was dating someone when I met her. She never stopped dating him during the 3 years I knew her even when he did pretty bad things, so I never had an opportunity to express how much I adored her, until eventually, the pain was too much. It's not really worth being friends with someone you love romantically. For me, this was the first time I had ever felt this way for a woman. She brought me so much joy when I was with her and I loved when I could make her laugh or smile. But, when I left her, I would cry or scream because I felt the world was cruel for not allowing me to express my love to the greatest woman in the world. She also became a distraction when I tried dating other women. I only dated one woman during the 3 years of knowing her, and I only dated that woman because she reminded me of the one I was already in love with. This eventually felt like deception to me, so the relationship only lasted a couple months before I ended it. In my experience, it becomes too much for the man. If you truly love her, like I did, you'll feel insane because you'll think about her all the time. I tried convincing myself that I could just be her best friend forever, and bring her happiness that way, but it became too much of a burden to bare. I had to just tell her, and either she had feelings too, like she hinted towards me a few times in the past, or she didn't and our relationship would probably be over. Either way, I needed to end my torment, because I loved her so much, but I needed to love myself enough to step back.

Tylermassengill · Answer

Yeah I believe that it’s selfish to put that on someone. There’s been times that I liked someone who was with someone else and I just showed self control and kept it to myself. However I do know that under certain circumstances you feel like you have to tell them because you can’t control your feelings and they have a right to know. In such an event then they should let you know that they understand and respect that your in a relationship and don’t expect for anything to change after telling you that but they just had to let you know how they feel.

Mangospacho · Answer

First off, I can’t believe you told everyone that I confessed my love to you. I am really very truly embarrassed now. I would say it depends on the guy who is confessing his love to you. If he just sort of loves you and just wants attention or a booty call, then yeah, he is being selfish. If he really loves you and thinks it is his last chance before you get married, it’s kind of selfish but it might be something he was too afraid to tell you up until this point. I think the latter is less likely so 80% of the time it is for selfish reasons.

Jjpayne · Answer

That's a really good question!!! I had someone ask a question like this recently as well and I went in your direction. What is the overall effect of that action? What do you expect or want to happen by telling them. Sometimes there are things better left unsaid. But coming from their direction, you have to ask, was this good for their wellbeing as a person. Think back to all the love movies of past regrets... This is closure for them. Instead of spending their life in doubt with the what ifs, they got it off their chest and they can move on confidently in life. I suppose a response could be a thank you but I'm staying with my current partner, however maybe speak a sort of blessing over them saying the next person that finds you will be very lucky. Give them a hug and send them on their way

rc321 · Answer

Is it selfish? I would say yes. However that feeling came from somewhere he/she probably had the underlining feeling maybe before they got into the relationship. Keeping that feeling inside can be toxic to the person who is keeping the feeling to himself. I feel that at least letting the feelings known it might clear the air and if the friendship doesn't last past that it would be better for both. The feeling of lovelorn can be greatest pain one can feel.

desidoll · Answer

I won’t say it is selfish unless he demands for a yes. I have experienced this plenty of times and it seems like many would rather blame me for leading them on, or rejecting their advance. Majority of them don’t take no for an answer, and some tried to verbally abuse me. Your update is right. They go and approach someone who is obviously taken, and want her to leave the relationship then expect a loyalty from her lmao. Who the hell they think they are? I have observed their behaviour, I mean this type of guys. Most of the time they just do it for an ego-boost. They want to colonise the other men’s territory so that they can brag about it other than making them feel better.

HikerDude · Answer

You know what they say, all's fair in love and war. Relationships and mating are inherently selfish. You want your girlfriend or boyfriend all to yourself, to take them away from anyone else who might be interested. Most quality girls are already attached. If you're a guy, you're probably going to have to take at least one girl you want in your life away from some other guy. Cruel? Maybe. But it's the way it is. Either deal with reality or get used to masturbating while some other guy gets in your girl.

MindYourEyes · Answer

I’ve been in this situation too many times. Yeah it’s selfish as hell. But even before when I was single and laying it out from the get go that It’ll never happen they secretly try! Eventually getting mad and leaving xP. But whatever I’m use to it that it doesn’t phase me anymore XXD they just don’t take my brutality.

just_a_potato · Answer

I've had this happen to me earlier this year. It's totally selfish if he already knows. It made me feel like I lead him on or something even though I made it clear I was already with someone exclusively. AND he even stopped seeing me after I rejected those feelings (I don't know what he was thinking I was gonna do) so that might've been the only reason he hung out with me to begin with. :/

Billlewis · Answer

Not necessarily. I think it depends on what type of love it is. There is the kind of love in which the other person wants you so badly that it becomes a very stressful burden for you to bear, but there's also the kind of love in which he just wants to please you, and asks for little to nothing in return.

I've had numerous very satisfying relationships with married or committed women who had a boyfriend or husband, but I made it clear from the beginning that I was only interested in spoiling them. Strange though it may sound, it can be very fulfilling to treat a beautiful woman like a queen, even though you know you'll never be able to fuck her.

Anonymous · Answer

I think so. For me it was really irritating when I was going through something with my SO and needed advice, and my guy friend is like one of my closest friends so naturally I went to him for advice, and instead of even listening he told me to spare him and he could not hear it and that he had feelings for me and he just thinks I can do better than the guy I’m with (without even knowing anything going on). I found it very selfish.

Wizzbang · Answer

I guess if I was single and had feelings for a girl I would confess and then ask to not be friends until she's done with the relationship. If I truly couldn't handle just being friends then that's what I would do... but i wouldn't waste my time trying to get with someone who's in a relationship

Spade07 · Answer

It's not selfish I don't think. Because he cannot make you leave your boyfriend. Only you can do that. Him being your friend even though you have a boyfriend is like the opposite of selfish because it probably hurts. I don't have enough wisdom to answer this question. Yeah I don't know. On one hand I think telling her would be a show of ones inability to not let one's emotions influence his actions but at the same time to sit there and be the perfect friend so she can have a you as a friend and have her boyfriend seems simpy. Unless you knew that she likes you too and would date you if you ever told her and ofc if she was single at the time.

DevikaButts95 · Answer

Talking about it is a good way to kinda put the whole thing to rest IMHO. If you're a good friend, you're not gunna ditch someone simply because they developed a crush on you.
Not to mention, if you're in a relationship and someone confesses feelings for your partner and they dump you/cheat on you, just means they were shitty partners. Your relationship with anyone is never the responsibility of others, merely you and the other person.

AshleySeeks · Answer

Hmm good question. I think because he needs to get it off his chest. Just like in Spider-Man 2, love should never be a secret or it will eat you from the inside.
So he confesses, I think it's because it's eating him away and the only way for him to move on is for him to confess. I've been in a similar situation. Sometimes it's better to tell the truth about how you feel then pretend otherwise

Manduh · Answer

If he wanted to get with someone else while he was in a relationship then he should've broken up with his girl first and who's to say he won't do the same with the other girl he's in love with. It's definitely selfish of him but that's not the only thing tho.

Thatgirl_r · Answer

Yes because you’re confusing her. What does she do. If she likes you does she leave her boyfriend for u. It’ll take her time to get over him and you guys might not even work out. If she rejects you does she lose you? Or does it just become really awkward? My best friend likes me and I know that but I would never date him as I see him like he’s my brother.

mel1234 · Answer

Think of it this way: imagine if you were a soccer player and in the middle of the game you start talking to the opposing teams goaltender. Apart from the fact that that’s against the rules of the game and it’s also morally wrong, chances are a really bad outcome is going to come from it. A fight could break out, your own players will be very mad at you, the opposing teams players will be really mad at the opposing goalie and you’ve single-handedly now ruined the game and was it worth it? Most likely not.

Anonymous · Answer

I honestly have a major fear of my feelings, and I'm also afraid that if I have feelings and I don't tell her, she might completely misinterpret my actions entirely, which unfortunately could easily occur anyway. Sometimes I would want to tell her just to get it out of the way. If I keep liking her more and more over time, it gets overwhelming and sometimes I need to create distance just to prevent my feelings from getting out of control. No matter what her relationship status is, the way I feel about a girl is something that is very difficult to control, and sometimes I might just feel a need to let it out so things don't get more out of control. This should not be seen as selfish. Sometimes it is necessary to prevent a terrible misinterpretation.

Glasgow55 · Answer

I'm not sure that it's selfish, as such. He obviously feels very strongly about you, to admit his love, potentially ruining any friendship and therefore any chance of seeing you again. Are you going to stop seeing him? What would your serious partner say if he found out? I don't know what's best. Good luck - and good luck to him too.

jmf909 · Answer

No I don't think selfish as getting it out in the open allows the person to know and understand that there friend is crushing on them and wants more maybe they also feel the same or when they tell person they not feeling the same the other can stop the mental torture they are doing to themselves and move on. may cause them to drop off as such a close friend due to chasing another and embarassment but they will always be your friend if you need them

H8INCHES · Answer

Sometimes guys want to protect their friend by testing your loyalty.
Some guys are so competitive that they just want to best their friend.
Some would do it as a panic in their own head. They have always been attracted and have been waiting for the relationship to fail. When it progresses, he makes a desperate move.

Dontaaa · Answer

Hear me out before you possibly block me, please.

I was going to say "yes" but then I thought about it.

But emotions just can't be helped a lot of the time, if you feel a certain way then you just feel a certain way.

I don't think it's selfish to confess, but what would be selfish is to not meet the person you're already with know about this as well.

I would say more, but I think what I already said here is enough.

Good day.

krin_m · Answer

Yeah, although this is a tough one! I personally would not do it but I can see the emotional side of it. Also, it is applicable to women as well. I personal opinion is if you truly care for a person, don't do anything that will make them go our of your life!

itsdeaaa_94 · Answer

I think it must be tough for the guy to hang out with you as friends while (secretly) loving you. It can be depressing and confessing his feelings is absolutely not selfish. Whether you decide to cut him off of your life or not after that, at least he was honest and will know where to stand. 👍

lonestar_01 · Answer

Personally would never do this. A) There's no point (B) She's in a relationship (C) Why are you hanging out and trying to get physical with a girl who's in a relationship? Just crappy behaviour

WhistleForTheChoir · Answer

nah, whenever a guy has done this to a girl I was dating, they ended up together. It would've been selfish of him not to, Because the only person who loses in that situation is me, and women have made it very clear, i deserve to lose. So not only is he making two people happy, perhaps more importantly he's putting down a "substandard male", So we learn the hard lessons and know our place.

Massageman · Answer

Well, at least he's being honest along with the being selfish!

Anonymous · Answer

I think it’s selfish, because if someone’s in a happy relationship you shouldn’t jeopardize that. For example, in friends when Ross was getting married Rachel wanted to confess her feelings for him and when he was dating Julie too. I do hate Ross but I just find it mean to tell someone how you feel when they are in a happy relationship.

Wiredone · Answer

Not only is it selfish but it is also downright rude and disrespectful to the woman. He is definitely crossing a line that shouldn't be crossed. I think he would be jealous of the man. He could also be upset with himself because he didn't act sooner.

Likes2drive · Answer

I’m not sure if it’s selfish but I would probably keep that to myself if she is in a serious relationship, it reminds me of that movie with Patrick Dempsey and Michelle Monaghan called “Made of Honor “

StacyMeet · Answer

I think it's selfish. As a friend, he can ruin both your friendship and your relationship. So the fact that he ignores that, says a lot.

exitseven · Answer

Sometimes you just have to get it out there. If you don't say it you will spend the rest of your life wondering if things would be different if she only knew.

naraku · Answer

It is. It oversteps boundaries and this isn't a Hollywood romcom where you'll ditch your partner for him just because he confessed. Shut that shit down, no questions asked!

Waldoe · Answer

it may just be that he feels the need to let you know... in case you are not totally committed to the other guy yet, maybe he still has a chance... maybe he ahs Loved you for a long time and was to shy to say anything before, but now he is "Up against the wall" and going to lose you

Ceciliebon · Answer

I wouldn't say its seflish, but it is morally wrong. You are putting your friend in a very difficult situation where she has to choose

scuff1986 · Answer

Wouldn't say its selfish as it's probably better for him to say and live in denial and hide it

Maspolomas · Answer

He might be hoping it sits in the back of your head and slowly you leave the person your with for him. Even though it could ruin what is there now for friendship

nomidnight4298 · Answer

Yes, we are however all selfish. I really dislike when people try to argue against something by calling it selfish as if they themselves are never selfish.

This particular situation is why I am not comfortable with my partner having friends of the opposite gender. Most cannot honestly say they've never had a single sexual thought about that "friend." Evolutionary psychology shows also that women have this as a kind of backup mate in case things go wrong.

Tinana · Answer

🤔 It is except you secretly like him or your in a toxic relationship this could be a good thing.
But if you’re happy in your relationship and he does this it’s a terrible terrible terrible thing.

REALSTEEL · Answer

well it never hurts a person to express how he or she feels

Meldrum · Answer

If he knows you're in a committed relationship, he is definitely being selfish.

Relentless1 · Answer

It may be a bit selfish but what if you felt the same? If he confessed years later wouldn’t you be sad he didn’t say anything sooner?

R4zor · Answer

80% of divorces are from women and all women always have 3-5 back up plans so why not? I'll tell straight up no one give's an f about men so I gotta care about me

Snickermarstwix · Answer

It's honest, now what you do with that info has nothing to do with him.

Twalli · Answer

I honestly don't know. Maybe he thinks that you might break up and choose hom.

andy530 · Answer

I wouldn’t say selfish I’d call it him being congruent with himself

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

Yes, I would never tell a female friend I was in love with knowing she was in a relationship and happy I always say don't step on their toes

Barry88 · Answer

Yes, it is. What would a guy who does that expect from the girl? I can't understand it.

A_Nihilist · Answer

In a way yes. But on the other hand, it can be torture to keep it inside.

rainbowbi · Answer

I mean maybe he is so in love and couldn't handle it anymore but personally thinks it is inappropriate

alance99 · Answer

Yea it would things awkard for both them and specially for the person who is already committed

_Angelsbaskett · Answer

Yes! that is completely selfish

Tim-loves-it · Answer

He would be telling the truth

CubaPirate · Answer

Selfish no inappropriate yes

Cheeky_Scorpion · Answer

I think characterless people do that

harvest · Answer

This second picture answers your question...

Anonymous · Answer

Yes it is because he values cheating.

Jess1812 · Answer

Depends on the situation.

Is It Selfish For A Guy Friend To Confess He's In Love With You If He Knows You're In A Committed Relationship?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Is It Selfish For A Guy Friend To Confess He's In Love With You If He Knows You're In A Committed Relationship?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.