Why Confess And Potentially Ruin The Friendship If She's Unavailable?
"This is a serious question... Be nice/helpful OR be blocked for wasting my time... Simple instructions"
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Just Remember... "Do Unto Others"
For all the guys who SUPPORT making love confessions to their female friends in committed relationships and potentially ruining a friendship 👇
"IF" or "WHEN" you get a girlfriend... don't complain about getting cheated on (karma) because you're essentially asking a friend to either cheat or abandon the person they're with to be with YOU when you make a romantic confession... That's the expectation and it's...
Selfish...
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Last Bitchy Update:
It's literally the most selfish thing to build a friendship and connection with someone and just disappear because you fell in love with them. (especially someone who you knew loved and was committed to someone else BEFORE becoming friends)
Honestly, If they cared enough they would check in at least so that I know they're alive but fuck me and my feelings I guess.
I'll get over it eventually. Thanks for helping me though. Happy Wednesday blah blah 😞
Is It Selfish For A Guy Friend To Confess He's In Love With You If He Knows You're In A Committed Relationship?
I personally think it's selfish but it doesn't mean there isn't a huge gray area. Not really a gray area but worthy of explanation. I think communication is key and you should always say how you feel and preach what you believe in with an open mind so you don't miss out on the opportunity to understand the mindset of the people who disagree with you. Everthing is situational and there could be times when it is not a selfish act so I based my answer from a the position of that person may have had ample opportunity to confess but only did when he realized that this person's relationship is serious and fear of missing out kicked in. Or you liked them at one time and now that you moved on they confess. Even though I believe it's important to speak your truth I also feel strongly that if you really and truly care about someone. Like real love not that fake lust shit it wouldn't be possible to confess your feelings to someone if you saw that they were happy and in a good relationship. If you care about someone on that deep of a level you wouldn't do anything selfish like that especially if you knew it would cause that person unnecessary problems or emotional stress because that's not what someone that cares that deeply for someone would do unless they were ___________ you know where I'm going with this. I'm not even saying being selfish in certain circumstances is a 100 percent bad thing especially when it comes to things like survival. When it's comes to love it's not going to be something that has any long term value that I can see.
Can you explain how it might not be selfish? I just made my own comment and I just want to understand how it might not be selfish. Wouldnāt there be some unnecessary tension, in the moment, if you had confessed to a longtime female friend who was in a committed and happy relationship? Iām curious since I have this same situation with me to a female friend of mine who has a boyfriend; and I would never confess now that she has a boyfriend, and especially since theyāre happy together anyway.
There aren't many times that it wouldn't be selfish. I guess if she was with someone abusive and was afraid to leave. It would be appropriate I would imagine so she would know she had you by her side. Confessing to someone how you feel is not. black and white. The main issue is too many people confuse lust for love and hvb
It essentially is selfish. It is not worth shooting your shoot after the fact that theyāve moved on from you. There is just no point in confessing your love to them, even half-expecting them to date you. They would already be happy in a relationship as they are anyway. Why ruin it? I have this same (non) situation with a family friend Iāve known since I was three. Iāve had feelings for her for as long as I can remember, but for whatever reason I havenāt confessed to her ever. She went off to University and I didnāt see her for five years. Eventually I found out she had a boyfriend. On social media she posts about him, and they do look happy together, I must say. I see her post that heās āmy best friendā in her IG stories and, even though it hurts sometimes, itās okay. One might say something like āthings just donāt work out sometimesā but that wouldnāt be right. It did work out - for THEM. Theyāre happy and thatās what matters. So bottom line: it is selfish to confess your love to a longtime female friend when sheās in a happy relationship. Thereās no point in confessing, so donāt. Nothing will come out of it. Donāt try to ruin a relationship just because YOU want her. Theyāre happy - thatās what matters. It is okay to move on and find someone else like her, or even someone similar for that matter. This is a big world with a lot of different people, which means thereās a lot of different and amazing girls too.
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This was excellent feedback. Thank you for explaining your answer and sharing your experiences and thoughts. Very helpful.
I agree that he could check in if you're asking how he is. And I understand why you think he doesn't consider your feelings but have you considered his feelings? Could you help falling in love with who you are in a committed relationship with? And if y'all are friends then aren't friends supposed to be honest with each other? I'm not saying you have no reason to feel upset about it but imagine how he feels being in love with someone he can't have. He probably couldn't just be your friend anymore so he took a chance by telling you this. Would you have rathered he just disappeared without an explanation? He was being real to you. Honest. I think you're being selfish if you're only worried about how what he did ruined things for yourself. He lost a friend too. He doesn't get to be with the person he loves and he got rejected. He probably thought that maybe there was a chance you might feel the same.. I don't believe people should be shamed for telling the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear. There are too many fake people as it is. Just my opinion. Not being mean. Maybe cut your friend some slack. Im old so I know life is too short, if you love someone why wouldn't you want to tell them?
Iāve been the woman who did not know that a great guy I was interested in her feelings for me. That sucks.
If you love her and you value her as a friend, you can tell her in a way that respects her relationship and still sets up that if she does decide for other reasons to end her relationship, you would like to know. For example:
āHeather, you are one of my dearest friends because you are so understanding and compassionate. And I trust you deeply, enough to tell you that I have feelings for you. I respect that you are with Ben and would never get in the way of that. I care about your happiness. I just wanted you to know that if we are ever single at the same time, I would be really honored to Yale you on a date. And even if that never happens, I will always be there for you as a friend.
I really appreciate you listening to that. It has been weighing in me and it is a big relief to tell you. If this information becomes a weight for you, and you want a little space while you process it, I understand. I will be here for you when you are ready, either to resume our friendship or to explore dating each other.ā
I don't find it overtly selfish because the man is usually in extreme torment. I am speaking from experience on this. I was in love with my best friend from college and she was dating someone when I met her. She never stopped dating him during the 3 years I knew her even when he did pretty bad things, so I never had an opportunity to express how much I adored her, until eventually, the pain was too much. It's not really worth being friends with someone you love romantically. For me, this was the first time I had ever felt this way for a woman. She brought me so much joy when I was with her and I loved when I could make her laugh or smile. But, when I left her, I would cry or scream because I felt the world was cruel for not allowing me to express my love to the greatest woman in the world. She also became a distraction when I tried dating other women. I only dated one woman during the 3 years of knowing her, and I only dated that woman because she reminded me of the one I was already in love with. This eventually felt like deception to me, so the relationship only lasted a couple months before I ended it. In my experience, it becomes too much for the man. If you truly love her, like I did, you'll feel insane because you'll think about her all the time. I tried convincing myself that I could just be her best friend forever, and bring her happiness that way, but it became too much of a burden to bare. I had to just tell her, and either she had feelings too, like she hinted towards me a few times in the past, or she didn't and our relationship would probably be over. Either way, I needed to end my torment, because I loved her so much, but I needed to love myself enough to step back.
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This hurts my heart š„ŗšš. This is a great male perspective.
You said "It's not really worth being friends with someone you love romantically" that's the selfishness I am explicitly referring to.
I have been ghosted by a lot of guy friends who started getting romantic feelings. They will completely throw out a friendship if the girl can't return all those romantic feelings.
That's selfish because a friendship takes time to build. People are vulnerable and have to be willing to open up. You do all of this just so your "friend" ditches you because he can't control his emotions. How is that fair?
I don't think it's fair at all. Because ultimately while you deal with your emotions your friend is abandoned, blamed for your emotional pain, and not supported.
I understand where you're coming from emotionally but your actions were selfish. Thank you for the amazing feedback. This was first hand experience and extremely helpful.
I am asking because I want to find a way to have close guy friends who I hang out with in real life who don't expect anything romantic or sexual from me. Friends who know how to be "just friends" and respect relationship boundaries.
I'm sure there is some selfishness, and I know that when I told her, I did that for myself, not her. The thing is. I have a lot of female friends, in fact, at this point in my life, I have more female friends than guy friends. But, she was the only one I ever fell for. To this day, she is the only woman I've ever dreamed about. I rarely dream as is, so when she shows up it's something.
I understand what you mean though. It is terrible to end a friendship that people have spent a lot of time growing. I figure that there becomes a point when all options are wrong in a way. If I didn't tell her, I hurt myself, if I tell her, I potentially hurt her. Both solutions seem wrong.
Maybe some people are just not fit to be friends with the opposite sex. Especially if they can't keep those emotions and feelings separate. Every opposite sex friendship would just end in ruin and disaster.
Yeah I believe that itās selfish to put that on someone. Thereās been times that I liked someone who was with someone else and I just showed self control and kept it to myself. However I do know that under certain circumstances you feel like you have to tell them because you canāt control your feelings and they have a right to know. In such an event then they should let you know that they understand and respect that your in a relationship and donāt expect for anything to change after telling you that but they just had to let you know how they feel.
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Self-control is a huge thing! That should be priority when befriending someone of the opposite sex who you're attracted to from the beginning.
First off, I canāt believe you told everyone that I confessed my love to you. I am really very truly embarrassed now. I would say it depends on the guy who is confessing his love to you. If he just sort of loves you and just wants attention or a booty call, then yeah, he is being selfish. If he really loves you and thinks it is his last chance before you get married, itās kind of selfish but it might be something he was too afraid to tell you up until this point. I think the latter is less likely so 80% of the time it is for selfish reasons.
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You're silly! You've never confessed but I've had five guy friends who have and each friendship was ruined immediately afterwards.
Especially when they understood I was in a committed relationship before becoming friends.
So I don't know honestly. But what I do know... Is that it's really not hard being platonic friends with the opposite sex for myself but my guy friends seem to struggle with it.
That's a really good question!!! I had someone ask a question like this recently as well and I went in your direction. What is the overall effect of that action? What do you expect or want to happen by telling them. Sometimes there are things better left unsaid. But coming from their direction, you have to ask, was this good for their wellbeing as a person. Think back to all the love movies of past regrets... This is closure for them. Instead of spending their life in doubt with the what ifs, they got it off their chest and they can move on confidently in life. I suppose a response could be a thank you but I'm staying with my current partner, however maybe speak a sort of blessing over them saying the next person that finds you will be very lucky. Give them a hug and send them on their way
Is it selfish? I would say yes. However that feeling came from somewhere he/she probably had the underlining feeling maybe before they got into the relationship. Keeping that feeling inside can be toxic to the person who is keeping the feeling to himself. I feel that at least letting the feelings known it might clear the air and if the friendship doesn't last past that it would be better for both. The feeling of lovelorn can be greatest pain one can feel.
I wonāt say it is selfish unless he demands for a yes. I have experienced this plenty of times and it seems like many would rather blame me for leading them on, or rejecting their advance. Majority of them donāt take no for an answer, and some tried to verbally abuse me. Your update is right. They go and approach someone who is obviously taken, and want her to leave the relationship then expect a loyalty from her lmao. Who the hell they think they are? I have observed their behaviour, I mean this type of guys. Most of the time they just do it for an ego-boost. They want to colonise the other menās territory so that they can brag about it other than making them feel better.
You know what they say, all's fair in love and war. Relationships and mating are inherently selfish. You want your girlfriend or boyfriend all to yourself, to take them away from anyone else who might be interested. Most quality girls are already attached. If you're a guy, you're probably going to have to take at least one girl you want in your life away from some other guy. Cruel? Maybe. But it's the way it is. Either deal with reality or get used to masturbating while some other guy gets in your girl.
Iāve been in this situation too many times. Yeah itās selfish as hell. But even before when I was single and laying it out from the get go that Itāll never happen they secretly try! Eventually getting mad and leaving xP. But whatever Iām use to it that it doesnāt phase me anymore XXD they just donāt take my brutality.
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Thank you for sharing your experience! I appreciate it
I've had this happen to me earlier this year. It's totally selfish if he already knows. It made me feel like I lead him on or something even though I made it clear I was already with someone exclusively. AND he even stopped seeing me after I rejected those feelings (I don't know what he was thinking I was gonna do) so that might've been the only reason he hung out with me to begin with. :/
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I am very sorry you experienced that. I know exactly how that feels and I think that's my case too. I think these guys who come into my life are coming under false pretenses. I tell them from day one I am in a relationship. Everyone can see the ring on my finger on my profile and in some of my questions. And I talk about my man occasionally. AND my relationship status says engaged. But they still pretend to forget about my relationship and constantly overstep boundaries. Then they will accuse me of everything. They accuse me for these strong feelings as if I did something to romantic to cause it, which is never the case. They blame me for teasing them even though I don't send any pictures and I don't talk about sex in my private chat. So there's no reason to assume that I have any romantic interest aside from what they create in their imagination.
These guys literally abandon me after they make these confessions. I remind them nicely that I am in a relationship and it would be inappropriate to even entertain those feelings. Then they either start giving me really negative or aggressive feedback on my questions as I guess as a form of payback, they'll say I can't be your friend and I need to step away, or they just deactivate their accounts and I never hear from them again.
What really pisses me off is that they ALWAYS come back at some point acting like they didn't ghost me and give me some lame and ridiculous stories of losing a phone for months, no internet for months, etc just whatever they need to not feel bad for abandoning me.
So to protect myself I started blocking every individual who does this.
I'm not a toy. You don't throw me away when your done playing games and then think you're going to come back and I'll let you play some more. There are consequences for being a shitty friend.
Not necessarily. I think it depends on what type of love it is. There is the kind of love in which the other person wants you so badly that it becomes a very stressful burden for you to bear, but there's also the kind of love in which he just wants to please you, and asks for little to nothing in return.
I've had numerous very satisfying relationships with married or committed women who had a boyfriend or husband, but I made it clear from the beginning that I was only interested in spoiling them. Strange though it may sound, it can be very fulfilling to treat a beautiful woman like a queen, even though you know you'll never be able to fuck her.
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Anonymous
(30-35)
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I think so. For me it was really irritating when I was going through something with my SO and needed advice, and my guy friend is like one of my closest friends so naturally I went to him for advice, and instead of even listening he told me to spare him and he could not hear it and that he had feelings for me and he just thinks I can do better than the guy Iām with (without even knowing anything going on). I found it very selfish.
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Thank you for sharing your experiences on this topic. I really appreciate it. Extremely helpful šš
I guess if I was single and had feelings for a girl I would confess and then ask to not be friends until she's done with the relationship. If I truly couldn't handle just being friends then that's what I would do... but i wouldn't waste my time trying to get with someone who's in a relationship
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Sounds very selfish. Basically you're saying sorry I can't be a friend to you because of my feelings. Like I think guys need better control over their emotions if you can't handle them.
What if your friend needed a friend and was going through problems of her own? But she can't depend on you to be a support because your "feelings" are a bigger priority than maintaining a friendship.
Maybe you're just one of those guys who just shouldn't be friends with the opposite sex.
It's not selfish I don't think. Because he cannot make you leave your boyfriend. Only you can do that. Him being your friend even though you have a boyfriend is like the opposite of selfish because it probably hurts. I don't have enough wisdom to answer this question. Yeah I don't know. On one hand I think telling her would be a show of ones inability to not let one's emotions influence his actions but at the same time to sit there and be the perfect friend so she can have a you as a friend and have her boyfriend seems simpy. Unless you knew that she likes you too and would date you if you ever told her and ofc if she was single at the time.
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You obviously haven't been paying attention. If you're going to play devil's advocate make sure your reading comprehension skills are up to date. Thanks š
Talking about it is a good way to kinda put the whole thing to rest IMHO. If you're a good friend, you're not gunna ditch someone simply because they developed a crush on you. Not to mention, if you're in a relationship and someone confesses feelings for your partner and they dump you/cheat on you, just means they were shitty partners. Your relationship with anyone is never the responsibility of others, merely you and the other person.
Hmm good question. I think because he needs to get it off his chest. Just like in Spider-Man 2, love should never be a secret or it will eat you from the inside. So he confesses, I think it's because it's eating him away and the only way for him to move on is for him to confess. I've been in a similar situation. Sometimes it's better to tell the truth about how you feel then pretend otherwise
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So because his romantic feelings make him uncomfortable that gives him the green light to make his female friend uncomfortable and potentially ruin his friendship with a confession that leads to nothing but relief of emotions š¤
If he wanted to get with someone else while he was in a relationship then he should've broken up with his girl first and who's to say he won't do the same with the other girl he's in love with. It's definitely selfish of him but that's not the only thing tho.
Yes because youāre confusing her. What does she do. If she likes you does she leave her boyfriend for u. Itāll take her time to get over him and you guys might not even work out. If she rejects you does she lose you? Or does it just become really awkward? My best friend likes me and I know that but I would never date him as I see him like heās my brother.
Think of it this way: imagine if you were a soccer player and in the middle of the game you start talking to the opposing teams goaltender. Apart from the fact that thatās against the rules of the game and itās also morally wrong, chances are a really bad outcome is going to come from it. A fight could break out, your own players will be very mad at you, the opposing teams players will be really mad at the opposing goalie and youāve single-handedly now ruined the game and was it worth it? Most likely not.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
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I honestly have a major fear of my feelings, and I'm also afraid that if I have feelings and I don't tell her, she might completely misinterpret my actions entirely, which unfortunately could easily occur anyway. Sometimes I would want to tell her just to get it out of the way. If I keep liking her more and more over time, it gets overwhelming and sometimes I need to create distance just to prevent my feelings from getting out of control. No matter what her relationship status is, the way I feel about a girl is something that is very difficult to control, and sometimes I might just feel a need to let it out so things don't get more out of control. This should not be seen as selfish. Sometimes it is necessary to prevent a terrible misinterpretation.
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