Why do men abuse me but not other girls?

[Anonymous]

Ok so at work i get talked down to and mentaly verbally and sexually (not physically generally) abused by men at work and these guys would not talk to other girls the way they do to me. They would not stand there and tall down to other girls.

Now some of them DO. but many of them dont. I was even surprised when i realized this about the main perpetrator a while ago. Now i realized this is a pattern among these mean men.

I am the type of person who people view as more innocent. So its not like i invite it.

[MrOracle]

It's almost certainly because you don't IMMEDIATELY stand up for yourself. These guys are bullies, and bullies are very good at detecting weakness. Your body language suggests to them that you are likely to be a "good victim" (meaning that you won't fight back or stand your ground, but WILL be bothered by their harassment).

The way you stop bullies is that you call them out IMMEDIATELY and LOUDLY the very FIRST time they harass you, and if they do something again, you call them out just as much. This teaches them that you will NOT be a "good victim" and that they're not going to get away with such harassment, so they will leave you alone from then on.

It's going to be more difficult to change an existing relationship, because these guys are USED to getting away with harassing you, and you've taught them that they can do this and get away with it. You're going to have to be prepared to confront them, and for things to escalate. It could lead to someone losing their job - and that someone COULD be you, because unfortunately, you can't always count on "justice" working the right way.

This is why you want to learn to nip this kind of thing in the bud, by reacting strongly and swiftly the first time someone does this to you. Establish from Day 1 that you don't take that kind of crap. Don't make it personal - just be matter of fact "Hey, unacceptable! It is NOT okay to talk to people like that!" - and if they treat you normally from then on, you can be friendly or at least civil with them. But you MUST stand up for yourself, from the start, so they don't establish you as a "good victim" that they can get away with hassling.

[Asker]

I dont actually care anymore though. I don't know if having had covid changed me but ever since, i have mostly had a calmness i never would have thought id get. I mean i know these boys dont actually hate me or that there's actual danger behind their words

[MrOracle]

Well, if it happens again, your best response is to either stand up to them or just laugh at them. They won't expect it and it will mess with their heads.

[Asker]

Im always giggling xD i could bust out a laugh though

[Cfy776yh]

Grown men should not be attacking women anyway. Women are the weaker vessel and can't realistically be expected to defend ourselves against grown men.

[MrOracle]

Of course that's true, and no crime should ever happen either. But in the real world, people do bad things, and you have to be able to protect and defend yourself.

[Asker]

I honestly dont respect them even if i am cordial and have basic human respect... So why would i care that they disrespect me?

[Avicenna]

Bullies usually go after what they perceive to be the weakest targets

[Asker]

How am i the weakest target? I dont get it

[Cfy776yh]

You say that as if its the womans fault she was born a woman. We are automatically the weaker vessel.

[Avicenna]

@Cfy776yh: You are aware that lots of men get bullied too, right? At any rate @MrOracle has explained it well in detail.

[Anonymous]

I had the same problem, and I'm so nice and innocent, so what I learned is other people don't allow this to happened... Don't be scared to defend yourself, stand up for yourself, cut toxic people out of your life, show them how strong you are and they will respect you... Once they know that you can defend yourself and cut them off any time they say something wrong, they will think about what they have to say before talking to you, they have to either respect you or leave... Don't allow these kind of people to stay in your life not even as friends, they don't deserve your kindness

[Asker]

I tried ignoring some guys but they still would annoy me and/or i would stop ignoring at some point because its not really my nature to be harsh like that i just want to get along and please others. I learned to accept a lot of the verbal abuse and tell myself they are joking. But then recently a girl heard this one guy talk down to me 'as a joke' and she said to him "dont talk to her like that. You wouldn't talk to me like that" and they are closer friends than me and him. So she would know. But she is one example of a woman who these type of guys never disrespect yet will do worse to me.

[Opinion Owner]

I know how you feel and I don't want to be harsh either but you're not being harsh by defending yourself, defending yourself or cutting toxic people out of your life means you have high self-respect, they're abusers, they should stop, you shouldn't be abused or getting hurt for the sake of cold-hearted people, and don't worry, they won't get hurt easily and some of them might feel guilty once you express that you don't feel OK with this, I know it might be hard at first but you will feel better when they stop abusing you and start to respect you... And that wouldn't change the fact that you're nice, you just do what you have to do

[Cfy776yh]

Ok thanks. The thing is that they would keep ganging up ir abusing me by themselves even if I flat ot ignored them.

[Cfy776yh]

I dont think people understand on here that i am dealing with black males from the hood. They are very effeminate and immature. Most other races and classes do not understand how bad it is.

[Opinion Owner]

@Cfy776yh yeah don't be scared to defend yourself, they deserve it... I used to be scared to defend myself at first but now I defend myself and I cut them off and I feel much better because everyone respects me now and people find it more attractive to be nice and strong especially good guys because they wanna make sure that "the girl they are with" can defend themselves when they're not here unlike toxic guys want an innocent nice girl because they know that these kind of girls can handle their toxic behaviors and forgive them easily

[Cfy776yh]

Thanks... You give me hope i can defend myself too.

[Opinion Owner]

@Cfy776yh you're welcome, you can do it 😊

[boobliker]

because you put up with it!!!

[Asker]

I dont see how

[EaterPeter]

By not taking action or confronting

[EaterPeter]

Just say out loud 'stop it I can hear you'

[EaterPeter]

Go to HR

[EaterPeter]

File a complaint

[Asker]

@EaterPeter they aay stuff TO me. Im not overhearing it.

[EaterPeter]

Why do you hear it, what do you do when they say things

[EaterPeter]

Then you may say it's hurtful 💔

[EaterPeter]

You know where I am going with this

[EaterPeter]

Say it it's not cool not nice what f*ck man

[Asker]

@EaterPeter i gotchu. I usually make a face so they know its wrong but they love my faces. But yeah i can try saying Thats mean next time. Thanks man

[EaterPeter]

You're welcome and all the best

[EaterPeter]

what the *

[EaterPeter]

Get the leader first

[Cfy776yh]

@EaterPeter HR and leaders dont care. There are male bullies who are leaders at work and the male bully subordinates bully the fenale leaders.

[EaterPeter]

Labor department?

[EaterPeter]

Better business bureau

[EaterPeter]

I had that suspicion

[Cfy776yh]

@EaterPeter maybe if i can report anon but i doubt i can.

[EaterPeter]

Please try