If he ignores you, did he never care or is he hurt/processing?

[Anonymous]

Been dating this guy for several months, it goes great, I love how he looks at me touches me etc.

he’s first indicated he likes me a lot, and still does, but as time progressed he realized he’s not healed from last relationship, not emotionally available, and does not feel for me the way he should- so he can’t do a relationship but wants to be friends.

i said okay and agreed, but over time I realized the friendship was detrimental to me and causing severe anxiety- it felt very one sided, he never initiated always called out flaws I had etc.

i brought this up in a recent call, and he said he still wants to be friends even though he doesn’t feel anything right now (despite how he looks at me and touches me), and he will work on it not being so one sided. I said I’ll think about it.

after a couple hours, I sent a vocal note that said it’s best that we cut off the friendship and take a full break for now. Primarily because somethings he said hurt, and being friends with him will continue to hurt and I will keep wanting more until I give my feelings time to subside. I also see him growing more and more distant (on phone a lot not looking as much at me etc) which also hurts atm. I also expressed things that caused me pain over text, and asked if this choice is okay with him.

I've sent several follow ups since then (three days ago), asking if that is okay and understood, just to try to be on the same page. He has not responded to a single message. Regardless I will move on and still keep the break, just wanted it to be a two sided decision.

To try ro understand him better, is his silent treatment an indication that he just never really cared, and does not care and will never respond? Or is it him taking time away to process hurt feelings and accept the fact that I was to put a stop on the friendship? Not that I need a reply, but I just wanted to end things cordial and it hurts a lot I can’t do that with this silent treatment, and builds up hurt.

[Impalitteri]

I think you may have hurt him by asking to end the friendship. Give him time. Also as I'm unaware of his previous relationship maybe he is comparing the two and that's why he broke it off. Like this doesn't feel the same as with X. This is definitely confusing and he tried to spare you even more heartbreak until he sorts out his feelings and understands that things will of course feel different.

[Asker]

I definitely agree with the comparing the two relationships. I often feel he’s subtly trying to find his ex in me, which is why I ended it (calling out a lot of my behaviors that he wanted me to change-felt like searching for someone that wasn’t me in me, which I explained in text). That and a combination of him distancing himself from me just hurt me too much. So I need space for the time being- I didn’t explain that his distancing was hurting me tho, do you think I should text again saying I was just hurting? And even if he is hurting, will he ever come back and respond? I proactively tried to reach out to limit the hurt and get his approval in a way. But him giving me the silent treatment is hurting so much

[Impalitteri]

I would just let him be for now. I think he will probably reach back out once he is thinking straight. You should also move forward. I don't mean just jump into a relationship though. Just accept that both of you are hurting, participate in activities you enjoy. If you find someone who make you happy, great! If your both in a better place when he reaches out and you both want to give it another shot that is also great. Don't dwell on his silence. When he contacts you, explain it to him then.

[Asker]

Gotcha, thank you so much. Will do! Sorry one more question if okay- I am still struggling and going back and forth between if he doesn’t care at all or hurting. Like I don't know, would he be this hurt if he didn’t want a relationship? Also, even tho I ended the friendship because I was hurting, do you think this might’ve ruined the chances of engaging with him in the future? as I said kinda said I can’t be there for you as a friend. I worry that crossed a line

[Impalitteri]

I'm sure he cares and he is hurting. I have been here before. I wish I could say that you haven't hurt your chances but that is a possibility. This is a problem with texting, emotion can't really be conveyed. Only time will tell.

[Asker]

100% agreed on texting. Why I had attempted to text numerous times to try to at least call and asked to talk in person, or gauge some type of response to show this was in good faith. I explained that it’s a result of me trying to even out my emotions, so I just really hope it didn’t hurt chances. It’s so unfair if it did because not understanding fully my pain as well- just need a break. But thank you so much :) I’ll try to protect myself by assuming the worst haha and move on with good stuff in life

[boggboss]

Has nothing to do with if he cared or bot just how he is dealing with it

[Asker]

Yea good point- maybe I’m trying way to hard to understand him which is not what I should be doing. For how he’s dealing with it, what does that say/tell me I should do? I just feel like there's no acceptance or closure to this decision, giving me the feeling that there’s still some friendship and not sure how to handle

[boggboss]

But you needed the friendship so how is that there the closure was you bit being able to deal with the friendship and ending it

[Asker]

Thanks! I’m not sure if I read correctly? But me saying I’m ending it should be enough closure basically, rather than depending on his acceptance?

[boggboss]

Yes because u ending it is for u