What do you think of the "Men don't cry" culture? Is it causing more harm, than good in men?

[TommyMountainFigure]

In the whole time I've been on this or indeed any other site like it, I've never given so much thought to a question as this before Mrs P.
I make no secret of the fact I was bullied as a kid at school, but I don't know I have ever divulged quite how bad things were. I was mentally tortured as well as kicked and punched (I use to use Rugby as the reason of all the bruising to my parents)
I would sit or stand and just take everything they dished out just sobbing.
My Mum use to say when I got home that she didn't want me playing Rugby any more, and my dad use to say "nonsense, it makes a man of him"
I eventually told my Dad what was going on and he said, If it happens again I don't want you to cry, I want you to hit them back only harder and get even.
He took me to Karate Classes and I loved it there. I felt so safe, invincible even, because everything was so controlled.
I was still taking a beating at school for the next 3 years but I never let them see me cry again.
I was finally pushed over the edge and I retaliated. I won't go into details but I got suspended for a couple of weeks after my Dad went up there and explained how long it had been going on for (I was originally expelled)
I now take regular classes (Krav Maga) and I don't cry. I think it is a weakness that you should NEVER show to others, because they will use it against you.
This does oppose your view on why men shouldn't cry but I hope I have done a good job of explaining why it is part of men's culture not to.

[Aiko_E_Lara]

Letting guys cry in front of you do them more harm How Men and Boys Should Be Treated

[Phoenix98]

I use to believe in it when I was a younger I was kind of a crybaby back then I was weak and showed weakness. But all that changed when I started getting harassed and bullied physically and verbally badly. After that I had an epiphany of sorts. I realized that crying while it may make you feel better for a few minutes is ultimately useless. It does nothing to solve the issue.

And I quite frankly started seeing the world for cruel and nasty place that it is and that it'll beat you to knee's and keep you there permanently if you let it. And the people were just as bad.

So I hardened myself I became calm, collected, stoic, dominate, physically strong, took up martial arts, fighting, became confident, stopped giving a shit and just figuratively cut out crying like one cuts out a tumor and I surrounded myself with those kinds of people.

And every time I decided to open up, be vulnerable and it backfired I'd make revert back to the hardened version which now a days is just me now, the old me is long dead and gone. These days if I'm ever vulnerable with anyone it's only with the people I'm closest with who have earned my trust over the course of years.

An example of one of the many reasons why I am this way I had a girlfriend and she'd ask me to be vulnerable and that it's ok for to cry and all that. Well one day I was going through a really tough time, trouble at home, overwhelmed and was kind of having a mental breakdown. So I tried being vulnerable and opening up about what was going on.

Well as soon as I did that she basically told me to man up and just deal with it and if I couldn't she was gonna leave me.

And don't get the wrong idea I'm not some emotionless robot who doesn't feel anything to those who know me personally and closely I'm a very friendly, goofy and generally happy guy among other things.

And I will cry in private but only if I'm facing something huge and devastating and I feel it's necessary. Like when my best friend who I was trying to help through depression shot himself and I ended up being the one who discovered him ultimately that along some rumors going around about him not even a few days after he died kind of sent me over the edge.

And if I do ever decide to cry in the presences of a partner again it'll only be with someone who's earned my trust and is someone I trust explicitly and who I feel comfortable with.

Because I won't allow myself to be at my weakest and most vulnerable and a woman use that to prey on and attack/threaten me again.

[Anonymous]

Not at all. The "men don't cry" culture - as you call it - is one of the last remaining vestiges of self-control in a society that increasingly fosters the idea that one's feelings are the most important thing. Thus does any semblance of self-control evaporate.

Don't get me wrong. I have cried. I cried when I held my newborn son in my arms. I have cried when I broke up with a woman I was in love with broke up with me. There have been moments, good and bad.

The point is that they were personal and private moments. I did not lack for passion, but it was not my prerogative to spread the turmoil I was feeling, one way or the other, to others who have their own issues to deal with.

The point is to - as the kids say - "suck it up." Face life, and employ the mind and not the heart. The heart is irrational and the passions are often destructive to those around us. By controlling the heart and employing the mind, we protect those around us and keep private that which ought to be private.

We are drowning in an age where people just cannot imagine that their feelings don't matter. That the response to their unhappiness is to inflict their misery on other. The result is the social chaos you see around you.

Time for the world to grow up. Start from the premise that the feelings of others matter more than one's own. The "men don't cry" culture is the last - and frankly dying vestige of that self-control. Perish the thought we lose that, too.

[razelove]

No, it's natural, men can't cry, it will be used against us. Especially by the same people who say it's ok to cry. It's healthier, and has less long term consequences to honestly get drunk and break the things/people that are causing issues.

I'd have less problems in my life going to court for aggravated assault, burglary, whatever, I can drag that trial for years and get the charges dropped every time, then go in front of a judge instead of making the deal I was hinting at and get not guilty. Cry in front of your wife for any reason other than someone close to you being dead, and still I would choose another guy to cry with rather than a woman. That shit is never going away, and their perspective of you is changed.

"Men can cry" is the culture that is new and unnatural, it's an idea that came out about the same time as toxic masculinity, strong men aren't afraid to cry and go to therapy. They're moves to emasculate and destroy your life. Real men don't put up with shit to let it get to that point is my opinion.

[ODC2112]

There is no "men don't cry" culture. There is a culture that generally does not consider male problems.
Boys do not cry publicly because there is no use for a male to cry publicly.
If a male is sick, it's his problems. If a male is harassed it's his problems. If a male has mental problems it is his problems. If a male has any kind of problem, that problem belongs to him alone. Crying publicly is of no use to him. Nobody will ever help him. If a male has a problem and asks for help, all doors are closed.
If a male shows he is in need, he is systematically ignored by women as a potential partner.

Many males face risk and danger every day because if they die or get injured, nobody cares.

There is no toxic masculinity. But there is a huge empathic gap towards males who are denied any empathy since they are children, only by everyone except adult family members.

First you need to become empathetic to male problems then you can think about asking yourself questions about why males do not express their emotions. Being empathetic means that they don't use their weaknesses against them, as many manipulators do. Unfortunately, women use these manipulative strategies a lot against those who show their emotions.

[NathanDavis]

I really do not think it is a generalized situation... at least not here where I grew up and how I grew up

even on TV, the media... men cry all the time and it is alright, I saw it in sports all the time, one side will win and will cry out of joy, the other side will lose and will cry their frustration out, and it is alright... it is normal and it is okay

and yes, I have also seen some people who are like this "men don't cry" but they are very very few, and they are the odd ones out

again this is just my experience, I am sure it would have been different for many others

[Smoke-n-Growls]

It's extremely harmful and is the definition of "toxic masculinity".

It's especially harmful to younger men.

The men in my life who are the most successful and most happy all understand the value of being able to genuinely express their emotions.

The ones who don't and who believe in the whole "men don't cry" toxicity are honestly very unhappy. And it's entirely self-imposed.

Emotions are human. And men are human.

Learning to handle one's emotions in a healthy, human way is vital to being a well-adjusted and mature adult.

Sometimes that means leaving behind beliefs and communities that espouse toxic mindsets like "men don't have emotions except anger and horny" in order to heal and deprogram from these unhealthy beliefs.

[Novacane]

I would say I am someone that I agree with both sides so I can neer say one od the other. I agree that people should be allowed to express how they feel, allowing yourself to feel those feelings can really help you when it comes to getting it out of your system, and sadly a lot of men are not really allowed or have a safe space for those kinds of things. BUT I also agree that one thing men are good at is separating feelings and being able to get the solutions to what is causing them the pain rather than sitting there being emotional which can get you nowhere if you are not looking for a solution so just becomes an endless loop. So I would say men should be allowed to cry and show their feelings but dont push it on to them, let them only if they want to, by giving that space. because the moment you start to let men be more emotional they won't know when it's too much. It's one thing to deal with men which as we know can be dangerous, but you dont want to deal with an emotional man.

[DaveJord]

So here is the deal with men, we do not really give a shit. I mean real men do not honestly, we endure and let go of so much stuff through the course of average day... that we just do not want to pretend to be bothered if women or people in general want to believe that if men cried more this would be a better world.

I belief in a world were men are men, and women are women. Women do women shit, and men do men shit, and nobody gives a shit if men should do less man shit and more women shit, or if women should stop doing some women shit and do more man shit.

I like my women to be a women, and sure I would like women to be less emotional, and empathetic to everyone and everything... but heh, I love women for being women, like I really love them.

What I do not like to see some guy acting like a women over petty shit, and when I see a man acting like that I say, "Hey, man you need to man the shit up because you are acting a women.

[CaptainOverthink]

I used to think that we should normalize crying for men..
But now I just think that it's so rooted im human nature that men risk looking weak to women. I mean even if we normalized it in society there would still be a natural preference for _some_ women to loose interest.

I now think that it's a responsability for men to create environments and circles to deal with emotions and men's issues. Normalize it within men's culture. And for women to understand and know to give space for such.

But ofc it would be awesome to find that kind of a woman who aren't affected by signs of weakness. To understand that the greatest strength is to know to let things out. Because if you keep it in it will manifest in other ways. But like said that's about wisdom not gut-feelings.

[Dargil]

I haven't cried from grief since I was a child, having lost my mother horribly to cancer. But is was not really grief. It was relief that her suffering was over. When I was younger, I suppressed it when I took a loss and it was like learning to lie like lawyers do. It taints your soul.

As an adult, I cloud up at appropriate times. Recently it was two movies. Robert Redford's The Natural. "How come you haven't played Professional Ball?" "Well, I kinda got side tracked". Well, I kinda got side tracked in my life.
The other is The Bodyguard; Whitney Houston, Kevin Costner. I knew when I saw the movie, I knew that Whitney Houston was an "alley cat" in real life, just like her character.
I knew that she could have been liberated by marrying Kevin Costner. He wept at her funeral. I wept when I learned she had died.

It's OK to be emotional when it matters.

[HighlyVolatile]

I see this as a mischaracterization from soft-minded people. You see men still idolize Maximus from Gladiator, for example:... and yet he cried like a baby when he dashed home to his dead wife and child:I've yet to meet a single man fault him for crying here because he didn't cry to gain attention, or make a big deal out of something small. He cried because he is human and he experienced something devastating.

Now if some man came into the scene and teased Maximus for crying, then I think that man deserves to get his ass kicked. But I've yet to meet that man.

[Kaamraj]

I always tell men, if you feel strong emotions, only share with your close friends, those who share your situation or someone older you can trust. Never in front of women, unless she's your mother, sister, etc. Men gain little by getting emotional. Women may superficially express concern and support but in the long term they lose respect and sexual attraction. Moreover, women do not understand most of the problems men face so it's of no advisory use.

[Lionman95]

I think it depends. On quick many people will say it´s harmful and dehumanizing and they´re probably right speaking for many situations but there are other situations where a man keeping his shit together is more appreciated and wanted.
Like take a situation where a woman freaks out about spiders and bugs in her bed, how do you think does she want her man to react on these insects when he sees them first?
Do you think she wants to see him panic or grimace because he hates bugs and spiders the same way`?
No she probably him to kill or throw them out.
So to speak it I´d say every guy must find a way to come to terms with his feelings and emotions but that doesn´t mean that he has to cry in front of a woman. It also doesn´t mean that we all down the other extreme by making guys share their emotions publically.
Because that would be neither helpful.

[crossdressingrihno]

What men need is an outlet
Some one needs to be the machine and that role has fallen to men it's fine honestly or at least it would be if men had an outlet

Women and trans men are taking up these outlets just for fun
Women don't need to hide emotions and in fact are encouraged to let them out
Trans men are babbied the LGBTQ community and get a safe space to boot
A straight non trans man they had use to have clubs and the YMCA but not anymore


Saying men shouldn't be held to standard is dangerous as this standard is what makes fire fighters, cops, soldiers, medics and oil workers
However not giving them an outlet is also dangerous

[Blueeyes81]

Someone needs to be a rock. I'm glad my dad didn't cry like my mom does. She'd freak out and cry over everything. For me as a child having someone who wasn't crying in moments of distress gave me strength. A child seeing an adult cry can cause unnecessary fear so having someone who could keep their shit together isn't a bad things. People make too big of a deal about what others do, let men be men and let them deal with it in their own way.

P. S most men do cry on occasions but they do it out of sight.

[Кураж]

Personally, I don't understand the idea behind glorifying the lack of ability to regulate one's emotions, but to each their own.
I will keep on keeping my emotions in check, not because "I'm a man" but because I think crying is both emotionally immature as well as objectively unproductive.

[ohshee]

It's funny guys telling each other when it good fo cry when not to

I look at it like this if a man breaks down and crys
It because something big has just happen in his life that makes him think, makes him feel something deep I'm very confident in my everyday life if somebody wants to judge me that's up to them I could really care less if it's not about them it's about me and what I feel and if it affects me enough to make me cry and it's pretty powerful

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Men cry…

And if I am a woman man can cry with, I’ll just feel honored to be the one he trusts and will care for him deeply.

I’ve made men cry.

Which I feel deeply sorry for as these men were the most special to me. And I cared for their feelings a lot.

Being able to show his deep feelings makes me think he’s strong.

But I also remember a story my grandpa told me, oh he was that blond blue eyed guy every girl had a crush on, he broke heart of many women and once met a girl, who refused sleeping with him, he made up a story and even cried to make her trust him more, they finally slept together. My grandpa always told me not to trust men’s tears.

But I guess that’s just about tears of womanizers.

[mobiusforniner]

Because a whiny man is a puss cake. Its unappealing. Nobody cares. When a woman cries for harrassment at work, management is on top of that like stink on shit. When i had multiple women harrassing me at work (yes, it can happen), i tried informing managment of the problem. Guess what? Nobody cared... Why? Because a man owns his problems and takes care of them. Society and natural selection doesn't permit a man to cry about his problems. Its not to say we dont cry- we do, and we do have feelings. But to cry, whine or openly express emotion as you put it, shows a loss of control, which nobody has respect for, especially a man

[MrOracle]

Lots of men face danger and terror on a regular basis. Military, miners, sailors, construction workers, electrical linemen, and many others. We have to be tough or we couldn't function and the world will fall apart. This has always been men's reality, and even in 2022, your very survival depends on tough men doing difficult and dangerous work and not letting their own terror hold them back.

This doesn't mean that we don't have feelings, we just prefer not to express them publicly. There are times when showing those feelings can literally mean our own death.

What would help is some understanding if we are emotional in private with our women. I don't mean crying because we're out of ketchup or beer, but if a pet dies or a parent is diagnosed with cancer or something, there are women who literally hold that against men, and in my opinion, that is disgusting. If a man is that emotional in private a few times a year, that should be respected.