My boyfriend of (almost) three years has no ambition, (seemingly) wants me to mother him and is also developing the mindset of a “prepper”?

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

I’ll keep this as brief as a I can, god knows I could go on for a while.

My boyfriend (M/26) and I (F/29) have been dating for just shy of three years. Up until the last nine months or so, everything was great. Normal ups and downs, but no red flags.

Last year, he started a new job. Fast forward to now, he hates it, it’s toxic and he’s massively overworked and underpaid. BUT, he does nothing to get a new job. He’s happy to vent about the shit he has to deal with (which is genuinely awful) but when it comes time to job search or apply, he can’t be bothered.

I have a higher paying job and carry most of the weight when it comes to bills, which I’m happy to do. It’s the lack of ambition, or seeming lack of desire to do what he can to change his circumstances that drives me nuts. It *seems* like he knows I have things taken care of financially and has gotten comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s also becoming increasingly difficult for me to be sympathetic when he vents about his job, when I know he’s not doing anything to get himself out of that workplace.

To top it all of, he’s recently gotten really interested in “prepping” and conspiracy theories. I’ll leave that there…

Am I asking too much? For him to want more for himself? He’s so smart and so capable, but I cannot be the one who wants more for himself. I also am actively trying to not hop on a high horse - I know there are things I want to change but am reluctant to. I just feel like if you have a situation you’re unhappy in, and you have the means to change it, why don’t you?

[HighValue]

1. The majority of people only complain, but aren't willing to sacrifice and put in the extra effort to improve their lives.

2. Most relationships where the woman makes more don't last. The woman resents the man for not contributing as much financially and loses respect for him. Even the ones that claim they are okay with it, most of the time actually are not okay with it.

3. What is wrong with being prepared? When the shelves are empty, would you rather have no food or toilet paper? Seriously, I don't understand why anyone would prefer to NOT be prepared if they can afford it.

My suggestion, if you can afford to live without his income for a while, ask him if there is something he would like to go back to school and train for so he could change jobs completely. If there is and you can afford it, maybe he can stop working temporarily only IF he signs up for something to train in a new field of work if he is so unhappy with the current situation. I don't know what else to suggest.

[TommyMountainFigure]

He is in a rut. A slump. He feels emasculated by working for peanuts and knowing he is letting you down..

He's probably also scared if this is how you are with him with a bad job, what's going to happen if he gets a worse job?

I get it from your perspective I really do.. You have drive and determination to succeed and you feel he's letting you down.. BUT, I also see things from his side too.
The way you are making him feel even if you aren't doing it on purpose is counter productive. If you want to motivate him, build him up.. remember you are supposed to be on the same side.. You should in the perfect relationship be able to take on the world together if need be..

One last thing, If you were downtrodden in a bad job for as long as he was.. scared to leave in case you got something worse, scared to let him down? Do you think you'd be able to motivate yourself to improve?

[Asker]

This is actually a really good point that I hadn’t thought about - him not wanting to let me down. I absolutely try to encourage him as much as possible, but sometimes it seems like nothing I say is “working”. If that makes sense? Thank you for the insight, actually very helpful!

[TommyMountainFigure]

I know.. I can see how much you try and encourage him, and I also can see it wasn't working. before I offer a way I think might help.. A very good friend of mine (Also A London Taxi Driver) was working all the hours he could. His wife was spending it quicker than he could earn it. We all knew how much he was struggling so I went round there whilst he was at work and told her if she kept on the way she was (She was not only spending like it was going out of fashion but she would moan at him for not earning enough) that would drive him into an early grave.. Within 6 months she was standing by his grave burying him. I'm not saying you are in the same position, but I get the feeling your boyfriend feels like he is letting you down in the same way.
I will tell you what I told her, and that is he isn't lazy, he is working his socks of because he cares about you, and even though he might not be earning enough, he is trying his best.
What you choose to do wit this info is up to you, but me? I would be worried that he could be suicidal..

[Asker]

Thank you for taking the time to write such well thought out responses, I really appreciate it! In my case, it’s not so much about the money, I think, like you mentioned, it’s coming more from a place of depression or low self-worth that has him believing he can’t do anything more. I’m going to see if he’d be willing to do couples therapy together - not in a “you need to get your shit together” way or to make him feel like he has an ultimatum, but I think having an unbiased look at the situation and maybe getting encouragement from an outside source would be beneficial. I would NEVER intentionally do anything to make him feel like he’s not good enough, not earning enough, not working hard enough, etc. It’s just difficult and sometimes frustrating knowing how hard he works and how much more he could be doing, if HE believed he deserved it. Sorry for the rambling post!

[TommyMountainFigure]

It's ok.. you ramble on as much as you need to. I believe it will help you to get it out of your system. After all, you've been listening to him vent for a year and it looks like you've had no outlet for it. I'm also a pretty good listener. I'm not so sure you suggesting counselling is the right thing to do.. Let me ask you a personal question (You don't have to answer though k?) If you were to suggest to him to leave that job, take a month off doing nothing but recharging the batteries, maybe just going out to clear his mind and then seeing how he'd feel about trying somewhere else.. could your job support the both of you for that long? I know I know.. it's a personal question.. so don't answer that, but if you can,, give it some thought. a month off maybe if you have holidays from work too you could go away together.. just for a week.. maybe it will do you both the world of good.. what ya think?

[Smoke-n-Growls]

You're not asking too much. This is just one more example of a man being a failure to launch.

Nothing is going to get better with a man like this. Trust me, I've been with two and neither worked out. Meanwhile, I'm nearly earning my goal wage years ahead of schedule and on track to launch side gigs.

Leave this lazy bones. He's not "not ambitious". He has things he wants to do - that's why he's complaining - but he doesn't want to put in the work to get there himself.

Also, he should be paying more, by the sounds of it. Maybe him having more fiscal responsibility will show him he needs to work harder to succeed in filling them.

But in all honesty, leave. I seriously doubt at 26 that he'll be changing anytime soon. Maybe when he's 40.

Leave now or become his mother.

[mandyfire98]

The conspiracy part is the most troubling part about this. Anybody can become depressed and stuck in a moment.

The conspiracy stuff only goes one way and it normally ends up batshit crazy.

[Guffrus]

Im sorry but you are a moron.

The 'conspiracy stuff' its all true.

[mandyfire98]

All of it?

[mandyfire98]

Every conspiracy ever? See that's how batshit it is, you are saying all conspiracies are true.

[Guffrus]

Not literally all of it no, I didn't think i would have to explain to you that the Earth is round (not that that is actually a geniune conspiracy theory anyway, it was a joke).

Oh and no there aren't any lizard people.

You have been lied to though, your entire life and your world view isn't your own, you think as you were told to think which is why you are attacking people who try to free your mind, just as your slave owners intended for you.

So do yourself a favour and pull your head out of your ass.

[mandyfire98]

Nah I'm good bro, go back to watching x files.

[Zenit93]

So my wife provided the bulk of our finances while I was in college. It was for a purpose though. The idea was for her to pay for the bills while I finish my masters, so that I could provide for her after I finish. It worked well. I couldn't imagine just standing idle because her providing made me already feel some type of way. I got through that insecurity by working harder in school. I think you just need to be upfront with him. Have you talked to him about going back to school? I prefer to work smart rather than hard. The pegging thing made me laugh lmao. Some guys have their fetish, but when you combine that with the circumstance, it's a bit much ahhahaha. The conspiracy theories. A lot of people are falling victim to them. Like I said, just be honest and direct with him.

[exitseven]

I was stuck in a dead end job. I worked long hours and did not make much money. I was treated like crap by both my boss and my customers. I had a wife and 3 kids to support so I thought I had no options. I finally went to school t night and got my degree and got a job in IT. I am not special or a genius. I just worked hard.

[Anonymous]

@Mandyfire98 You blocked me you fucking sad cunt. If you were capable of being honest with yourself you would realise that you haven't ever bothered to find out what 'conspiracy theorists' believe and why.

So how could you possibly know there is no merit to the arguments?

So you dont know.

Enjoy your ignorance but do in future have the fucking decency to remember that you are willfully ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you're the one making him miserable I mean you won't help him with anything and you just nag him all the time after coming home from a stressful job. His choice you don't control him.

[PatriceONeal]

I have to assume he's either really hot or good in the sack. I never hear of women sticking sound otherwise. Oh or abusive. Lol

[Asker]

He’s a genuinely good dude. He’s kind, thoughtful, considerate, he knows all the shit I’ve been through and doesn’t think less of me for it. He’s got the most ridiculous sense of humor, and he’s always willing to listen whenever I’m having a hard time. He’s so smart and can learn/do anything he decides he wants to. He’s respectful and honest and cares about me - not because of anything I’ve done to deserve it. We share the same weird interests and can talk about anything. Or not. We’re comfortable with silence, too. So, respectfully, no, a dude doesn’t have to be “really hot”, “good in the sack” or abusive for women to stick around when shit gets hard. Sometimes people are worth sticking it out for.

[PatriceONeal]

Well thats good, you're a rare breed. It's rare to see women sticking it out especially if the man is younger and earns less money. I hope it works out!

[jahaims]

Being prepared and knowing what is going on in the world isn't a bad thing. It just depends on why and how he goes about it.

[Jamie05rhs]

"I carry most of the weight when it comes to the bills.". That was your first mistake.

[Anonymous]

If he didn’t bitch about his job would you still think he is unambitious?

[Staximus]

Tell him to get a new job and so being such a bum

[Guy13]

Does he like sex?

[Guy13]

If so, you probably should hav e a gentle “put out the 🔥 talk”. What I like about a man, Name? I like an independent thinking and assertive male. I don’t care if you’re rich but I care that you’re happy AND that I too am happy with you…proud.-Pause-GENTLENESS and no stressed detectable Energy needs to be emitting from you… THIS is what all Women want/like btw…even “Gender Equalty/Equity Feminazi, including but not limited too LGBTQ…ABC123 Gender Equality (ers).
—I’m finished unless you want me to fill in the pieces from PAUSE if silence deafening between you Moment forward. Your call

[Guy13]

Name.. you know, if we are not successful…this relationship does not end for me…-there are continuing Effects. If our relationship is not our final one, I can not afford to live in its shadow. I’ve got to know that I have done all that I could…not 99% but a 105% done all I could. This is what I’m doing now because I know where my heart is…I’m right there where it’s going to start hardening…it’s already more painful than me doing this BUT I can NOT, NOT have this conversation.
—This moment encompasses both Present and Future, simultaneously…I love you but I’m at the end of the line. I want it to work but you have to want it to work too.
—All I know to do is make an Action Plan with accompanying Time parameters: Compose TO DO list. AVOID Don’t Do list. Even Sandbox boys know not to throw sand…know what not to do. Let him be who he will be in the DO NOT DO ZONE.

[maximumpower]

run!