How to move on after being ghosted?

[Ygritte_snow]

This guy and I were in a "situationship" (we couldn't be together for many reasons, distance being the main one) for 3 months. During that time, we talked every single day, sent each other pictures of what we were doing, had some spicy time over text, talked openly about our past relationships and why they'd failed, etc.. He promised me he would come to see me where I live, he told me I was worth everything to come see, that we had clicked a lot, and that coming to see me was one of his priorities, that I'd become important to him. I told him I was a very anxious person and that I needed reassurance in my relationships - both friendly and romantic ones. And he happily delivered, calling me all sorts of pet names and telling me I was beautiful or cute almost every day. I listened to his problems and gave him genuine advice. I was insanely attracted to this man, and from what I could tell, so was he.

And then on a random Thursday morning, he ghosted me. Since the day before I could feel something was off, he just ignored my snaps the whole day even though his snap score went up by like 200. That morning he opened my last snap and immediately after removed me from his friends. And then radio silence. It's been 3 weeks and I'm having a really hard time moving on. I of course knew that it was more than likely that what we had was temporary, but I never saw it ending this way. I never thought he'd just cut me off like I was nothing, especially after everything we told each other. After me telling him he radiated kindness (I want to kick myself now ew) and that I needed him. After him promising me we'd meet and telling me he was going to send me one of his hoodies so I could feel like he was there.

Even almost a month later, tears are still welling up as I'm writing this. How do I move on from being used like this? How do I forgive myself for being so stupid?

Updates

1 y

Bump

[RomanticRealist]

No one likes to hear this, but everyone needs to do it - talk to a therapist. There are also a lot of instagram pages about psychology, attachment styles, etc. If you're interested, I can share some with you.

I think the focus should be on learning and understanding yourself and why you accept what you accept. You should forgive yourself because you're human and you are allowed to mess up and there's much worse in the grand scheme of things that you could do. Maybe have a hard time forgiving yourself for murdering or raping someone. For believing in a fantasy and wanting it to be real? There's nothing forgive because you didn't do anything wrong really. This is time to learn to be kind to yourself. Be soft with yourself and try to understand you. Messages about you being so dumb and not good enough could very well be one of the reasons you got into this situation in the first place. Some men can sense that kind of desperate need for validation and prey on that. Not sure if that's what happened here, but a therapist is someone you can talk to about this openly and more in-depth, who could help you understand deeper motivations to your actions. That's the only way to prevent that from happening again.

To Move On, I think:

First, stop having text relationships. I used to want to do this when I had bigger insecurity and vulnerability issues. Only use the internet as a means to connect to people you can actually date in real life. Make real connections with people and keep texting and messaging to a minimum before meeting them. This prevents you from building feelings without seeing if there's anything in real life. You never know how you would have felt if you had met this man. He may also have had a partner, just saying.

Focus on self love and self-knowledge, as I mentioned above. Surround yourself with affirming social media and hopefully also supportive friends and family.

Get involved in things you like, lean deeper into your hobbies. Pick up a new interest you've wanted to try. Explore your town or city more. Plan a trip. Get some good "self-love" and affirmation journals that challenge you to think about yourself and life differently.

Maybe start a vision board with some goals you want to accomplish in the next year. Inspire yourself with your own life!

Go find all the empowering "get over him, screw that, I'm way too good for this" music and playlists that you can find. I love Spotify for that.

Remember and thank yourself for all the good things about yourself and what you do for yourself. You've done so many good things for you. This one moment of naive desire will slip away and fade into memory over time. Future you may even laugh in painful nostalgia at what current you finds to be the end of the world. This too shall pass - it almost always does. And you'll be on to better things and better people as you do the work you need to do to become who you want to be.

Mourning and crying is fine by the way. Feelings are real and acknowledging them is important. Nothing wrong with that, but you have to know when to pull yourself back and take control of the ship. Time to cry and time to focus on your amazing life that's waiting for you to do so much more than text this dude! He doesn't run this ship - you do. This isn't his fucking house - it's yours. So take your power back.

I wish you good luck! Shit sucks and hurts, I know. But you got this.

[Guy13]

Avoid Future Ghosting: I do not know of any magical formula especially when it sounds like a reasonable situation but I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist. I am assuming, from war-related family members, that you are on some sort of Anxiety and/or Panic/OCD lessening medication 💊. If yes then and if no then Guy experiential perspective provided.

If yes and you maintain dosage with an hour of prescribed time daily then you probably did that “all-in” emotional dump that all women tend to do…usually via text. It seems he was exceptional in this way engaging, hearing, listening, and offering advice in love. I’m sure he still has a soft spot for you.-I would.

He was also information gathering. It is likely that he was giving of himself and providing Reason to trust him. If you acted as “could not trust” due to continual insecurity occurring then that had an effect. The problem is that you were not aware of his Decision date in his head.

NOT in treatment: I imagine that those anxiety driven repetitive behaviors, relived experiences, and future fears conjoined and was quite much for him to manage. And, whether in Treatment or not our tendencies are to run to the emotions and behaviors that we know.
👻 happens to all of us and never ending figuring out “what did I do”. For me, lick the wounds, extra soccer ⚽️ match weekly, gym, weeds, mow, and www.meetup.com.

Real people at those meets, with smiles, is helpful and a positive move. One of my hobbies, my soccer, two clients, and a friend group came through there. Even the Feminist will let me attend their meetup.-And they know I’m a Republic rather than Communist guy 🙃

Anyway do something positive. Watching to see if you implode and crash…he’s doing this. Try the face-face meetups. Hang in there. 🙂🙂

[Ygritte_snow]

Thank you for your advice 🙏🏼

[DryGermanGuy]

I don’t think you were stupid, just naïve and inexperienced with the shallowness and traps of digital „relationships“.
For what it’s worth, at the same time you suffered, ten guys were forced to go through the same thing.