My boyfriend of 5 years wants a break. Was his reason legit and should I wait for him?

[Anonymous]

Boyfriend of 5 years brokeup with me , he needed time to figure himself out and that he has a lot of issues he does not want to drag me into it. He told me that he and his familycannot giveme a goodfuture and that I deservebetter. I dont know what issue he has been goingthrough but guessing its financally and he feel lost about his future. I never seen him this stressed out before and lately he has been on a lot of alcohol and weed everynight. Anotherreason is that he say that I am not expressive enough and that he likes expressive girl. I am not an expressive person and I don’t grow up in family that express our feelings so I don’t usually express my love first I prefer expressing through other actions and to him sometimes it seems like when I say it I don’t do it wholeheartedly. He was very hurt by it but through out our relationship we never really have a deep talk about this issue. He says that this20% was missing but it a big deal for him because he is from a broken family and needed it. I begged him for a chance to workitout and change but he does not want to get back. He agreed on a break on the relationship and keep talking and see if It could get better I told him I will do my best to change. We still talk but he is very hot and cold. Someday he just seems so rude and does not want to talk to me so I back off. But he still spamming likes on every social media post and then initiate contact.

It was toxic for me so I told him that if he kept talking to me because he felt bad for me or if he is exploring other options I don’t think I can continue this and its better if we stop. He told me he is not talking to anyone and still have feeling for me and give him some time.

We are in LDR rightnow he was planning a trip to come see me for mygraduation I as i am studyingaboard we booked everything and its just gone downhill 2weeks before the trip when he started getting stressed and on alcohol andweed.

Was his reasons legit? And should I continue and wait for him?

[quaranta]

Something is wrong here. You were a couple of 5 years, not of 5 weeks, and although you weren't often "in person", you should know better than his mother what problems he is going through: financial problems, alcohol, addiction, crime. You would know if he is into any of these, because they don't happen overnight, you would see the problem incoming slowly and you would be able to point out more than what he says. And besides, there is no reason to keep those things fully secret, after 5 years full mutual trust is more than expected. And the only thing he is been able to say that can make any sense is that you weren't giving him enough, as a possible cause of this breakup, a problem he strangely refuses to work out with you, and insists on breaking up? That is weird and suspicious instead, that is not what you would do if that was the truth.
Although "another woman" or "heavy drugs" can be very valid options to keep secret and that can really take priority on an established relationship, there is a third thing: maybe he has really enough of you in general and doesn't have the courage to break up. Long term couples often finish "gradually", you want to break up but the bond is strong and there is a lot of familiarity and you built each other around each other a lot. I think about this option because his breakup initiative, alchol and week got triggered exactly when the time to meet was coming, and he doesn't want to meet you.
Maybe he got into alcohol and weed to avoid the pressure of meeting you, he keeps forcing himself but he is overstressed and doesn't want to continue. But at the same time, can't fully leave. And doesn't want to tell you about how he feels so he invents a random fault about you not giving him enough, family, alcohol and mysterious problems.
That doesn't exclude another woman or heavy drugs, those things grab you all of a sudden without prior signals, and the fact it matches with your meeting might be a coincidence.
Anyway, you are his girlfriend, you know? Of 5 years. You should demand full trust, and provide understanding to let him open up. If he doesn't, that should be a dealbreaker for you, not for him first. How can you stay in a relationship with a shady person? What is a relationship based on, if there is no trust at the bottom, no communication? He owes you respect and an explanation because his "mysteries" are costing you an emotional tax with this breakup he insisted to have, he can't just randomly come back to you without "paying" it (even worse if he expects to have unprotected sex with you after this mysterious breakup).

[midnightmoon05]

He is very clear with what he wants.
you two are not compatible.
you also need this break to grow a little. So cutting all contacts will help you both move on.
understand there is nothing wrong with moving on the let go of someone who is not the person for you. You both deserve to be happy with the person who will understand and love you. It’s not easy for both since feelings are in play.
relationship of 5 years not know who you are or what he wants…is a clear indication that you two are not on the same page.

he is looking for a woman he can connect with openly. If you are not sharing.. why should he stay.

take the time to heal think about what you want, who is compatible with you. Do you want a relationship where you can’t share yourself 💯? May work for some…but not here. good luck

[kinggeorge007]

I agree with @quaranta's 3rd option. It's not impossible. The behaviour change and still keeping contacts and social media behaviour, all suggest towards this one. Probably he expected more openness from you and waited for long time that to be happened and it's still the same, so he might have thought about it and find someone who's have those characteristics. But breaking up with you is really hard because he had been with you for a very long time and the bond is really strong and he knows you never meant anything wrong. It's just not what he seeks. I think you shouldn't be hard on him. Try to work out the problem. If not, let him go.

[SteveSmith1985]

I don't know if it's a matter of his reason being 'legit' or not. You NEED to have those 'deep talks' about this that you mentioned you two don't have. You clearly need to figure out what the plan is for the future (whether that's together or appart).

As it stands now, I would say that 'no' you should not wait for him. I think this sounds like a relationship that should end as it stands.

I think the only possible way that it might be viable, is if you both have that 'deep talk' about all of this, and both of you come to some sort of actual plan. But as it stands right now, waiting for him doesn't sound like a good plan. I'm sorry.

[Labokachulaa]

It sounds like he's using that as an excuse to break up with you. I'm not saying his issues are fake or anything like that, but it's not fair for him to blame you for the bullshit that his family has done to him.. My response would've been, so go get some freaking therapy. Everyone has issues, but we're not all blaming others for them. He needs to work on himself, so his rejection sounds like a blessing. He was with you for 5 years and now all of a sudden the way you're not showing your emotions, is an issue? Yeah, that sounds like total bullshit.

[BlueScorpio]

A break is just short of up. All it means is the person is to scared to fully break up with their so and hopes that the relationship will naturally fizzle out or they do the break up for them. And sometimes a break is an excuse to just to venture off with someone else without the guilt. So when you feel shafted, they'll just say you guys where on break so it's not cheating etc.

People have got stop doing this bs and wasting folks time. This whole find yourself nonsense needs to be done BEFORE they get in relationship so they don't waste your time cause that's all he's done with the 5 years he's been with you. Next time you get relationship ask them if they got their mess in order and that they are 100% ready for a relationship. Anyway, drop him and walk away, do not wait on anyone to put you first.

[BlueScorpio]

And don't do long distance again, find someone in a 5 to 10 mile radius of you.

[HighValue]

Usually when someone says they want a break, it is just a way for them to try to get with someone else and they are keeping their so/ex as a back up plan in case things don't work out with the one they are trying to get. I would suggest moving on and find someone else if your partner wants a "break."

[bamesjond0069]

Break is bullshit so number 1 I would have confronted him immediately.

But number 2. If you don't wait for him there is zero chance you will get back together and have things work out. Idgaf what anyone says, if you hookup or date other men, he will never go back to you. If for some reason he does... expect years down the road he will cheat on you and when you ask why he says "what's it matter? You slept with someone when we were supposed to be figuring things out and I wanted my turn" or some other bad behavior and it will be because what you did on the break can't get out of his head. Just saying.

[Audiofox]

I would just try to move on. If someone can’t remain totally involved from the start chances are they aren’t the right person. If he comes back later and you’ve noticed a real change, that’s different, but holding your breath will only drive you crazy.

[melanieeeB]

Never wait for a man or a friendship or whatever.
I want a break means "I wanna fuck around and I don't want this relationship, but in case i don't find another girlfriend, I still wanna be able to come back to you and fuck you for a while again"

[Guy13]

It sounds like an early mid-life crisis to me. There's something very deep happening. He needs a counselor in a bad way and alcohol/weed are not good ones.

[OddBeMe]

Ehh…I guess. Doesn’t sound like a great relationship. Obvi he prob has a girl he’s eyeing. And might do you good to date around. We can sometimes get too comfortable with SOs and not realize there are better people for both.

[Summeroflove]

If someone says they want a break they want a break

[slatyb]

Time and tide wait for no man, and neither should you.

[Jack0ff779]

I been in a relationship for 5 years and my biggest issues are her loyalty or lack of loyalty i should say and her not saying i love you directly to me and only me

[Anonymous]

I don't need to read all that to know the answer. Do you know what's missing from this break? a "up" at the end. There you go. You're welcome.

[dustybiker]

Never waste your time.

[spartan55]

He's done with you. A break is a breakup.

[Blackmoonsns]

He wants to sleep with other women.

[Stevefiveo]

He sounds like a loser. Get a better guy.

[In_Trance]

He wants to fuck other people

[Teriyaki70]

Move on. Period

[Anonymous]

Don't waste your time.

[Anonymous]

I assume he was the one who asked you out