My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me because I can’t give him children. Is there anything I can do?

[Confused659]

My boyfriend of 5 years has broken up with me because I cannot give him biological children. We considered adoption, but when I spoke to him about it he told me he wanted his own children and that it kills him to tell me this because he loves me.

He mentioned this before, I turned around and left the house upset and heartbroken. After messaging back and fourth, I told him that maybe he needed time away from me to think if he wants to be with me or if he wants to have the chance to have his own children then that is that. He responded by saying “thanks for understanding”. Is there anything I can do?

[abc3643]

*sigh* You are doing the best you can at the moment. And that's what he needs to think through.
To me, "love" means without question he'd remain with you. After all, the marriage vows include "in sickness and in health".

However, for some men, the urge to have their OWN children (not sired by another man) is a very strong instinct. Sadly, I have a friend who got married. After she discovered she could not have kids, her husband couldn't handle it. They had an amicable divorce. Shortly after she told me this, I saw on Facebook that he had his own kid with a new girlfriend. I thought "What an asshole." I could understand his happiness and wanting to share, but, at the same time, it was hurtful to his ex-wife who, I believe, was still FB friends with him. (Not sure.) He was the first person that I ever "de-friended" on Facebook because of that.

So, if your boyfriend is like my friend's ex-husband and can't handle it, then consider yourself a bit lucky even though this hurts greatly. At least you didn't get married like my friend did. Besides, there are PLENTY of men who will not only be with you but PREFER to be with you because you cannot have kids. My wife had a hysterectomy before I met her and that was one reason WHY I married her. No kids possible, but also, condom-free sex with no worries about pregnancy!!

[kylee2437]

Hmmmm I understand your take and I know in perspective he sounds like an asshole, but I think there’s two sides. Many people have goals in relationships and sometimes simply loving someone isn’t enough. Trust me- I’ve been in a similar situation only I was ready to have a kid more so and while I thought at the time “what an asshole” I’m happy to now say that at least he found someone that caters to what he was essentially looking for with someone else that essentially he was looking for out of me. Saves me stress and time to not have to deal with someone that couldn’t align with my thoughts and decision making at the very moment.

Although for this situation, I still have a question of how long he had dragged this relationship on after discovering this detail.

[kylee2437]

I wasn’t ready*

[Anonymous]

He probably did you a favor, though it doesn't feel like it at the moment. This post reminds me of a movie I watched the other day called "The Groomsmen". Normally I wouldn't reference a movie but this parallels it, except it was in reverse. You had a supporting character (Donal Logue) who found out he was not ABLE to give his wife children. But he couldn't tell her as he felt it made him less of a man. As a result he punished his wife by being distant (I'm not saying you're doing that by the way at all). It finally took his brother straightening him out during a heartfelt confession that getting a woman pregnant doesn't make you a father. Raising a child does!

Think about it. What if you could have a child? What if that child was born with (God forbid) severe autism? He'd probably consider that unacceptable as well. And he might have abandoned you both because of it. If he truly LOVED you you guys could adopt. You don't get to choose who loves you in life. Or always get to write your own story. My opinion is that guys has some growing up to do, and you dodged a bullet.

[IslaTheWitch]

a lot of people want to have their own children, and it's alright. You can't have children and it's also alright.

I would suggest starting from a serious conversation with a specialist. What are the existing options, costs, and procedures? Expected timeframe? Would be good if he was also invited. Take your time to talk about what you learned from the doctor and make a decision.

There is no guarantee he will stay. Did he just learn it? Did you hide it earlier? In general, it's better to inform a man about this before any of you start to invest emotions...

[kylee2437]

How long ago did you tell him you couldn’t have children? And more importantly, is it more that you don’t want to have children , or that you just simply can’t? Because I know there’s medical procedures women can get that give them bigger availability to have children. I think you need to overall ask yourself if you actually want. If you don’t actually want children of your own and are just using the “I can’t” to eliminate the possibly, then he does have a right to leave, so he can go find what he truly wants.

[OlderAndWiser]

Accept this gracefully, take time to reflect on what happened and how you can avoid repeating this debacle, then - eventually - move forward.

And don't EVER try to reconcile with this guy. This issue won't disappear and, even if he begrudgingly accepts it, he will later harbor resentment towards you.

[AviatorTom]

Sorry to say it, but a man wanting children is extremely powerful. As much as he loves you, that's something he cannot give up. Maybe surrogacy is an option. If not, then wish him well, your relationship is over.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Surrogacy is an option…

[HelpfulWoman]

Err can also depend on what the issue is that makes you say you can't give him children. Ivf, surrogacy etc etc can still be options.

But if the dude is adamant and there's no other options, then unfortunately you'll have to take that the learning point it was

[MackBoy]

Mmm, well it is natural for a couple to have a child biologically but i don't understand why do you have to adopt a child. after reading your comment, i hope to stay single rather than facing problems. i just want to live a peaceful without any trouble

[prettygirl20A]

just talk to him and tell him you love him and then ask him if he loves you

[Billlewis]

Yes, ma'am, I just started following you and I'd be honored if you'd like to follow me as well, if that's alright. Thank you very much.

[serious]

There is nothing wrong if he wants his own biological children with you. I don't know what to say but I do understand your situation

[Iron_Man]

go to more of an advance, medical doctor, and find out also find out if it’s coming from him or you, and if you have to you can always adopt or find a surrogate that can Cary his baby and you’ll be the mother

[Huntingnfishin]

Move on that ones a deal breaker. Like a life long deal breaker. Staying together over something like that isn't going to fix itself unless you try adoption

[Guido]

If that is what he truly wants then there is nothing you can do. In your next relationship bring up the fact you cannot have children early so you don't invest too much time falling in love with someone that wants their own biological children.

[exitseven]

I cannot see a way that this turns out okay. You both need to find somebody else.

[Alex-Snow]

That is way rude of him and it should have been talked about ahead of time. It is his loss

[worldscolide]

This is a hard impasse for you. You can't control what he wants. Its best to let him go.

[noohair]

There are so many unwanted children. What is the difference between a sperm donor and a father? The father is a man, the sperm donor is just a donor.

[nawtee_me]

It depends on the medical reason. Do you produce eggs? Or are you baron?

[KrakenAttackin]

He knows what he wants and his actions are harsh but not unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

That's a tough one because I understand both sides. Sorry you are going though that.

[DextroShade]

Find a guy who doesn't want kids.

[DagonbroughtMehere]

Be strong, that is what You can do.

[DagonbroughtMehere]

@Confused659, LaFemmeFatale_1 does have a good point about Surrogacy, talk to Him about that.