I used to be very close friends with this guy. We used to date back in 7th grade when we were really young so now we didn't consider ourselves "exes".
We used to go to the same school, but I moved schools. We still kept in touch and I'd say we became closer after I moved schools. We talked a lot to each other on snap, but it was a little awkward in real life.
I was at a party and I drunk-texted him. Later, when I was sober we talked about the guy I liked. He teased me for not having made out with anyone yet. Then he said, "You're not ugly so you can really just make out with anyone." I asked him who that could be, 'cause it can't be a stranger, you know. He said it was up to me, then he suddenly said "You can practice on me if you want." I was obviously shocked as I didn't think we had any romantic chemistry before that for him to suddenly blur that out.
I mean, he wasn't bad looking and I know that he's got a lot of people looking his way so I decided, why not? We joked about it near the end of the conversation so I still thought we were chill.
We planned on meeting that upcoming Monday and we did. He came to my neighborhood after school and we went behind the woods. Obviously, he knew what he was doing which I didn't, but he just went for it. I'd say it lasted for 7 minutes and then he had to leave. It was kind of awkward obviously, but I didn't think anything would change after that.
We still sent each other snaps until 3 or 4 days after when he started ghosting me. Days turned into weeks and I was disappointed as we had been friends or known each other 6 years prior, and I didn't think he'd do something like that since we were so close. I had to block him and when I met my friends I heard he had told his whole friend group I initiated the whole make-out thing.
I then added him back later and surprisingly he added me back. I told him I don't want us to be in a bad place and he has now ghosted me for 4 days. I think he had a girlfriend when we made out.
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Ok, first of all, thank you for providing all the detail that you provided. That makes answering anyone's question so much easier (and more helpful too).
At first this sounded really cute and sweet. I had that "looking at puppies" look on my face while reading about the classic "you can practice on me" tale being told once-more. Well that stupid smile fell right off my face by the end. This isn't cute or sweet at all.
But first, I want to answer your question, THEN I'll give you some unsolicited advice (because I'm old, that's how we do).
So, if it's only been 4 days you can just send him a message. That's not really being "ghosted" (although this dude should have not been an ass, and replied after everything that went on).
It's soon enough that it's really not weird for you to just send him a message. He didn't ghost you unless he stopped replying at some particularly awkward time (e. g. directly after you told him you didn't want you two to "be in a bad place").
If he stopped replying without the timing being especially suspect... then this is just a case of "two friends who haven't talked for a couple of days... and one of you send a message. Super regular.
But now that I'm re-reading your last paragraph again, I'm thinking maybe he DID stop replying to your message saying "you don't want you two to be in a bad place right now". As in... he literally stopped replying and so never "got back to you" when you said that.
If that's the case... then... I guess it just makes my unsolicited advice even more applicable. Now I AM keeping in mind both of your ages when I'm saying all of this:
That dude... That's a shitty dude.
Seriously. My overall unsoliceted advice is: "DON'T message this idiot at all. Let him continue to ghost you. He is not a good guy. That guy is going to be nothing but bad news. Avoid this guy"
This guy is not "awful." There are worse guys out there for sure. But this guy has already shown you enough signs that he sucks... that they are apparent TO ME. All the way over here.
You think he's pretty great (fair enough), nevertheless, without meaning to... you still end up painting a picture of a shitty guy. This is not a "maybe" thing.
So, the WHOLE overall way he's treated you here... is pretty shitty. Let's be real here. He's not done-right by his old friend from middle school. Now, I'm sure it's more complicated than the way I'm about to portray things. I understand that there is more to how all of this went down. Nevertheless, I think that the "bare bones" of what I'm saying remain valid regardless of any of those complications (maybe not, but I suspect they still hold-up pretty-well)
So, the way I read this is: This dude goes from being a mostly online friend to actively pursuing something romantic with you (the "you can practice kissing on me" is a cliché for a reason. That was no accident. Which is fine. But still. He very much moved things from friendship to more.). Also, he seems to have more experience.
So he comes down and takes you to the woods to make-out. Cool.
So you guys talk for the next few days, then he ghosts you for weeks.
That right there is not ok. That's bullshit. He comes down, takes your friendship to something romantic (but without defining what that means or what's going on)... and you guys make out a couple of times. Then he stops replying to you? What the fuck? Does... he give a shit about you? Doesn't he... realize that you might be a little upset for him to swoop in, make out with you a couple of times, then seem to not want to even talk to you anymore? He certainly should be able to anticipate that. And him not caring enough to NOT DO THAT to you... is pretty shitty.
But that's only the tip of the ice-burg.
Not only does he seem to have acted inexcusably selfishly towards someone who he's close with... but...
Now you're pretty sure he had a girlfriend when he made-out with you? Are you kidding? What the fuck is THAT?
Now, that says several things.
First... obviously the dude's a shitty guy for cheating on his girlfriend with you. Don't be willfully ignorant here. That tells you something about someone's character. Don't choose to ignore what that says about a guy.
But even more than that... his having a girlfriend makes making out with you REALLY fucked-up. Like... it's essentially "using" a good friend, just for some quick meaningless physical pleasure while knowing (and not caring) that doing so would hurt her (you). I don't care how old you are. That's a scumbag thing to do in the EXTREME. There is no decent guy on earth who would do that to a girl he called a friend. That's so fucked-up. It shows a lack of giving a shit about you... that's appalling.
ON TOP OF ALL THAT
This asshole told his friends that it was YOU who initiated the making-out? And you didn't slap his goddamn teeth outta his lying mouth? You should've.
But in all seriousness. That's "a red flag".
Like a real, actual, grown-up "red-flag".
That is a very bad sign about a guy, and it's a very "sure sign".
The guys who lie about their sex-life to impress their buddies. ESPECIALL the lies like the one he told... are always (ALWAYS) a sign of a guy who..."thinks" a certain way; and more importantly a guy who thinks about women a certain way. And it's a fucked-up, super unhealthy, quizi-abusive (sometimes actually abusive) way of thinking about women, sex and relationships. They are not good guys.
That's an actual, full-on red-flag. It might seem very minor to you. But it's not.
So I don't know you. But I'm pretty sure you deserve better than this asshat. You should seriously parting ways, and keeping the good memories of this dude you've got. Because he's going to be nothing but hurt, stress, and bullshit for you. Nothing but bad news.
I know this is something you won't listen to now, and kick yourself for not listening to later. But you should give this some thought at least. I do this pretty accurately for women my age regularly. I can still clock a shitty guy before he becomes a shitty grown-man I suspect. 🙂
Thank you so much for that detailed response. It was really helpful. I wasn’t to go fully into detail about the girlfriend thing, so I can add on a little bit now.
Recently I talked to one of my old classmates and he mentioned to me how he talked to the guy I made out with. He had asked him who he had made out with, and he said he’d made out with someone three days ago, which was me. Then he said he was going to meet up with his girlfriend on the upcoming Friday, which was two days later. Just by that info, I think he had a girlfriend when we made out.
I already knew that he had made out with a lot of other girls which he had also mentioned to me but I didn’t know he would go as far as cheating.
I don’t really know if you’re able to answer yourself, but I really want to know what his true intentions were with me. Are you able to tell based on what I’ve told you?
Thank you so much, I will take your advice and try to come to a productive conclusion.
(this is gonna be a multi-part reply just a heads up)
It sounds like he did indeed have a girlfriend at the time. I don't see any other way for that timing to make any sense. I think you're safe in your conclusion on that.
As for what his true intentions were with you: I can give you what I THINK the answer to that might be. But I'm afraid you're going to find it wholey unsatisfying. Also, this part is much more 'speculative' than everything else I've said to you so far. So keep that in mind.
So, in trying to determine his intentions, I'm going to be looking at what his motives seem to have been. What could be going on in his head to make him act the way he acted? What was his ultimate goal in acting that way?
The way I 'read' this guy, is through a lense of "extreme selfishness." The only way that I can imagine anyone acting the way he has (when I look at all of it) is to assume his motivation is basically "doing what he wants, with zero regard how that affects anyone else."
This guy trampled all over your feelings, and treated you poorly because he wanted to make-out with you. You are somebody he has been friends with for a long time. The fact that he could treat someone who he supposedly was close to... the way he treated you, is DRIPPING with selfishness. It's such a blatant example of extreme selfishness.
So, if this guy were an adult, the answer would be quite simple. The answer would be "that guy just wanted you for sex." Even though we're not talking about sex, I think the same exact dynamic is at play here.
He clearly didn't have any "above-board" intentions with you. He was never thinking to have a relationship or anything like that. The reason I say that is because first... the cheating. He doesn't take "relationships" seriously to begin with. Second and most importantly, if a guy hoped to actually start something with a female friend... he would NEVER have made that move while having a girlfriend. Not for the cheating on her aspect, but because of the way it's insulting and disrespectful to YOU (besides what it is to his girlfriend).
So, basically, this guy decided to he wanted to get involved with you physically. Because he found you attractive, sexually desirable. So, he took things to another level with you simply because he wanted to make out with you. That's about as far as his thinking went on the matter.
He didn't care enough to consider FOR A SINGLE MOMENT... how his actions might affect YOU. He didn't care if kissing you was defiinitely going to lead to your being hurt (considering he didn't actually want anything with you).
He decided he wanted something (to make-out with you), so he took it. Period. End of thought-process.
The fact that he had no more serious intentions with you is made clear by his lack of follow-up and all the ghosting. If you kiss a girl and hope for it to lead anywhere... no guy is going to do that.
I see this guy as the pre-sex version of the asshole who manipulates women for sex. The kind of guy who is, essentially, extremely selfish and has zero regard for the hurt he leaves in his wake.
A lot of that comes down to the way a guy like this (i. e. the lying to his friends about his sexual conquests type) looks at women.
To a guy who thinks that way (and this can varry in how extreme it is)... women aren't really people. They aren't independent, fully-formed beings with individual feelings, hopes and ambitions.
Guys like this see women as "things you use for something". These guys might seem nice, sweet etc. But they aren't the whole thing is manipulative. They want something from you, and understand how to "play the game" to convince you to give it to them. Manipulation is fine. Deception is fine. Anything is fine. You're not actually a person with feelings that need to be taken into account. You are "a thing" he has to trick into getting what he wants from you.
None of that is personal. That's how a guy like this is going to act with any woman. It's got nothing to do with you.
So the short answer as to what his intentions were with you: He HAD NO intentions with you. He felt like kissing you, so he did. Now you're complicating his shit by thinking it might mean something (a pretty fucking reasonable thing for you to be thinking considering his actions).
And... the only productive solution here... is to keep this guy at arms-length if you insist on keeping him in your life at all. Do not be foolish enough to let anything more happen between you two beyond friendship. And... honestly. He's treated you like shit. That's no friend.
Thank you. Weird enough I don't feel like it affected me to a point where I would be crying, but inside I am disappointed as to why he would do that to me. I mean, we shared so many good memories like; face-timing, texting, walking home together, and so on.
That was a little way back, but it is really hard to comprehend how someone could even think of hurting someone with the type of connection we had.
I guess I was the only one who thought we were close. For every day that passes, I'm accepting more and more that we're not going back to being friends anymore. As I said, I just can't imagine why he would do that. Didn't he have any sort of compassion for me? How could he pretend to be there for me for that long?
I don't believe he has always been like this, but now he is.
I will most certainly take your advice, but I feel like I am unconsciously trying to get him back like posting stories for him to see, taking the bus around the time he gets on the bus, etc. (though that won't happen). I'm sure it'll go over soon.
I will leave it as it is. I won't try to do anything that has anything to do with him. If he tries to contact me again, I'll let him, but I won't do anything. I will just let it all be in the past.
If he proves to me that he is able to be a good friend I could try, but that will take a long time.
You sound like a very sweet, kindhearted girl. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have to say that overall, you sound like you're basically "looking at this the right way."
Your question of "Didn't he have any sort of compassion for me" really hits at the central point of all of this. That really is what makes the way he treated you so "bad." The fact that he should have had compassion enough to anticipate how his actions were likely to impact you. He didn't. That really is the central way he's mistreated you. That's the selfishness I was referring to.
I don't think he was "pretending" to be there for you during the time you were close. I don't think there was anything disingenuous about that.
What I see is... a dude who grew up enough to change in how he saw "girls". (Just that normal change between kid and teenager/adult). He just took-on a particular, not uncommon "view" of women.
So he saw you differently along with seeing all women differently.
You're right about him not always being like this. And also right that he is this way now. And he will continue to be (unless he has some big mental shift which is unlikely).
Everything you're saying sounds reasonable except for your plan. You need to re-think that plan of 'letting him back in' if he does reply at some point.
THAT is exactly how women end up being mistreated in serious ways and over the course of a long time. They do exactly what you're planning to do: They take-back a guy who has already proven he's an asshole. That is a bad plan. That is how you end up (literally) having him do the exact same type-of-thing to you again.
You need to come around to the decision to not take him back, and you need to be solid in your mind about WHY you shouldn't take him back.
This is someone who was close to you. Then treated you in a way that hurt you for totally selfish reasons. If someone you AREN'T close to causes you forseen pain for their own selfishness... that person is an enemy. They are no good for you. Someone you ARE close with owes you loyalty and consideration. It's worse because he was close to you.
Are you going to be one of those girls who lets men mistreat them?
That's what you're essentially deciding when you make a decision about accepting him back in your life. He has shown you what kind of person he is NOW. You can anticipate that he will mistreat you again, should he have the opportunity. Make the right choice.
I know girls who have let a guy fuck-with-them like that for YEARS. It's fucking sad. You deserve better. You need to let your head win-out over your heart in this situation. For your own self-defense.
You seem like such a sweet girl. Don't settle for a guy who doesn't treat you well. (ever)