Why do some men want space after hanging out with them even when it went well?

[ToxicoLuluz]

After I hangout with this guy I’m seeing he seems to always want his space after, we have great times together and he will be very loving and attentive to me but then as soon as I’m away from him it’s like he wants his space from me. After we hangout we will text a bit and then he will end the conversation and just be like “hope you have a good rest of your day” I am not clingy by any means so I know that is not it I gladly give him his space and rarely contact him unless he contacts me first etc. I don’t bother him. He seems to like me, he just always ends up pulling back a bit when we start getting closer, then he comes back again why would he do this?

[SteveSmith1985]

It's a bit hard to say what's happening here. It could be one of several things.

It could be a fear of intimacy. This is often characterized by someone seeming to pull back IN RESPONSE to increased closeness. That really depends a lot on your situation. I have no idea where things are commitment-wise, if you've had any talks about it, or if it's even at the point where it makes sense to talk about all of that.

But my knee-jerk reaction is that this sounds like it could be a fear of intimacy (or maybe it definitely ISN'T that. You might know right away why that explanation doesn't work in your situation)

The other thing this could be is a simple matter of you each having different expectations for what should be happening (how often you talk etc) between dates.

In other words, he might be doing this... just because that's "what he is naturally inclined to do." So he is all good, everything's fine... he just isn't someone whose 'natural rhythm' includes more contact than he's giving you. He might very well be totally oblivious to the fact that, to you, it seems like he needs space after you two have been together. Maybe that's not actually the case, but just how it seems to you.

Regardless, what you should DO remains the same.

You need to bring this up to him. See what he says. That's the only way to figure out what's going on. And you do need to figure out what's going on.

If there's an issue with him and committing. Ok. It's still best that you know that's the situation you're in, so you can make plans accordingly. Is it just a random accident? Ok. Well, I'm sure he would be willing to compromise and put in some more effort so you're not feeling like he's constantly pulling away. Or maybe it's something else entirely. And if it is, you can find out about it, and figure it out from there.

What you're saying here is not unreasonable or crazy or anything. You aren't being "clingy" by bringing this up to him, or for asking for more of his time between dates. Shit... for all you know, he's doing this purposely to not seem to eager (people do that stupid shit all the time). So... don't YOU do that stupid shit... and keep this to yourself because you're afraid you might appear overeager or clingy.

This is valid. Find out what's up. You two need to have a talk. 🙂

[ToxicoLuluz]

My intuition has been telling me that he is just afraid of intimacy or commitment. From other peoples standpoint I think they might say he just isn’t that interested etc. However I don’t always believe things are black and White. Me and him are not exclusively together however we have had multiple deep talks about the future about him eventually meeting my kids and playing the father role etc. and him being okay with that and having deep conversations about what we both expect out of a relationship and marriage how many kids he would want, the roles we would play etc. if he wasn’t serious about me I don’t think he would be bringing those types of things up to discuss.

I suppose I am just afraid to bring my concerns up in case I am wrong I also don’t want to feel as if I am pressuring him for commitment or anything because if he genuinely isn’t ready that’s okay too. He had a relationship that ended badly that he speaks of sometimes and I believe he may just be afraid to get hurt again and wants to still keep
His guard up just in case.

How do you think I should approach it without seeming as though I am badgering or pressuring him?

[SteveSmith1985]

(this is going to be a multiple part reply. Just a heads up)

So when you said you thought it was a fear of intimacy. I said to myself: "Oh if YOU think that's what it might be. Then for sure that's what's going on here. Done. Mystery solved."

If that was my kneejerk reaction... you tell me that's the sense you get... being the actual woman in the situation... I was 100% ready to consider this another job well done. but NOPE.

I'm not sure what you think a guy with a fear of intimacy looks like... but it's NOT like your guy.

If you were having talks about the future, his taking on a father role, and having deep conversations about relationships marriage and kids... there is no chance that it's a fear of intimcy.

That is literally an over-the-top nightmare scenario for someone with intimacy issues. Like someone with intimacy issues COULDN"T have had those talks. The very THOUGHT of having a talk like that would give them a panic attack. That's... not even really a joke. This would be like a worst-case scenario nightmare. A "fear factor" experience. It would be their idea of hell on earth.

We can rule that out. It's not a fear of intimacy.

You very well might be onto something with the past relationship though. It could certainly be related to that (but not that I would go thinking it's likely related to that. Just... it could be something related to that).

I do have some advice for you.

First. I may not know you. But I can tell you not to worry about seeming as though you're badgering or pressuring him. You won't. It's not in your personality to. It's not your style. (I'd bet money on that!).

[SteveSmith1985]

You weren't kidding when you said you aren't clingy. You truly aren't. In fact... you're more afraid that you'll appear clingy than most people, and so you make damn sure that you aren't. And you do a great job of that. Your instincts are going to definitely keep you from badgering or pressuring him. 100%. There is no way you need to worry about that. Don't even give that part another thought.

Now. It seems to me... that you two should be exclusive.

Am I wrong? (I totally could be about this part. But...)

If you're having the types of conversations about the future that you describe... it sounds to me like you're both at the point where you should be looking at being exclusive.

Do you know what's funny. I've had similar conversations with other women... where I've had to be like: "Umm... you clearly need to be exclusive."
And they are usually VERY different in tone and vibe. Very different. You're getting the white-glove-treatment here. I didn't even realize it until a second ago. But yea... I'm absolutely treating you differently than I've treated other women in very similar situations.

It was the mention that you were a mom. It was totally subconscious... but that really did make me treat you differently (not in a bad way. If anything... you're lucky 😁).

But unless the timing isn't right or something else is holding things back... the problem is that you're in a weird spot. You're close in a way that's definitely well within the bounds of "exclusive" you're talking in a way that's definitely within the bounds of "exclusive" but you're not officially there yet.

[SteveSmith1985]

What you're trying to do, basically, is push your relationship... pretty much ALL the way into an exclusive relationship (by asking for more of a time commitment from him). Somehow... and for some reason... you're not... calling it exclusive.

You're late.

Or at least... it's time.

And that is how you approach it. As part of that conversation. You ask whether he's on the same page because you would like to be seeing him more often between your dates, and are ready to be exclusive with him. Ask how he feels.

You need to go FIRST. And you need to be the first one to be vulnerable. So don't, for example, ask him "where are things going between us" hoping he'll say something about becoming exclusive.

Take the risk and be vulnerable first. Tell him you like him, would love to spend more time with him, and would like to take things to the next stage and become exclusive.

Those are the critical absolutely can't not say parts.

But... you basically just have yourself an open and honest talk about how you really feel, and where you really want. If you're open and honest, sincere and willing to be vulnerable (and do it first...) I can pretty much guarantee you that you'll get exactly the same thing back from him. Whatever that is.

So if he has concerns/reservations/fears etc. you can expect he'll bring them up. Again, if he feels you're coming to him with all your armor off, vulnerable, honest and sincere... you can expect the same back from him.

So you talk it out. See where you land when each of you knows how the other one truly feels.

I might definitely be missing something about your situation which makes asking to be exclusive not possible, or not ideal. But... there better be a good reason. Otherwise... you two should be exclusive. That's what you need.

[TonyV]

I want my own space, I have a girlfriend but I still need my own space, I'm not going to text her all day when we're apart, I don't understand the constant desire to cuddle, hold hands or lay against me.

Let's say we hang out all day and it goes well, great I still want some me time the next day, why is that so hard to get?

[SlothySlob]

Maybe he's busy or just someone who values his personal time.

[Furious_Revelation19]

Maybe just keeping options open?