Why dont a lot of girls understand that for some guys romantic feelings can develop after awhile of getting to know them when originally just friends?

[Still-alive]

I've been noticing a lot of women not really getting that initially a guy may have only seen you as a friend but over time romantic feelings for them developed.

i keep seeing girls say things like 'i feel betrayed' or 'it makes me feel like they were only friends with me hoping for a relationship'

i can assure you that for a lot of guys this isn't true. they were friends and only saw you as friends in the beginning. but feelings can and do change over time. they are not a static thing.

anyways just wanted to get this off my chest. if you are one of those girls who understands this can happen for guys good for you. otherwise yeah... try to see it from our perspective.

my other question here made me wonder about this: Would you be understanding if someone who is just your friend had to stop talking to you for awhile because they are attracted to you?

[meetkitty123]

Its frustrating when the guy steps out of line. Just as it would be for a guy if his female friend (who he is not attracted to) steps out of line and becomes uncomfortablely flirtatious or handsy with him.

Another frustration would be like a female acquaintance asks a guy out... He is truly not interested... So he rejects her (imagine a woman who you are truly no attracted to 😖)... Later she finds a common interest or a way to be very helpful to him and begins to increase conversation to eventually it becomes lets hang as friends. The guy is cool with this. But in truth her intention is to initially begin to seduce him but by first appearing as a cool perfect buddy. Role reversed this would be equally as frustrating to a woman when the truth comes out.

Next scenario the accidental attraction. A guy has had a female bestie since childhood as time goes on she suddenly grow extremely fonder of the guy. However he just see her as his kid sister and she not his type. She reveals her interest and he gently lets her know he can't see her that way. They have this discussion once or twice which is comfortable and fine but with the same results. Now from twice the conversation keeps getting brought up. The guy is going to begin to become uncomfortable feel guilty not wanting to keep hirting her and he'll feel pressure to become distant from her. Its the same for us women.

In the end an attraction can occur but the individual with the attraction to the other must remain respectful. Once the attraction is revealed but turned down then it isn't a subject that should be continued to be discussed more than the initial once or twice. If the attraction creates a distraction and discomfort to the relationship then things are not going to work.

[Still-alive]

"Once the attraction is revealed but turned down then it isn't a subject that should be continued to be discussed more than the initial once or twice. If the attraction creates a distraction and discomfort to the relationship then things are not going to work."

and in that instance is when i would tell her i would have to stop talking to her for awhile to get over these feelings. usually by finding someone else. this might suck for the person who just wants a friend but for the person attracted continuing as just friends when they want more is only torture for them. so for some people distancing themselves from the friend must be done.

[meetkitty123]

Exactly I myself am the first to start the distance when I realize the person wants more. It doesn't need to be a cold shoulder thing or ghosting. Just hanging out less.
However if it becomes so clear that a person is showing no signs of controlling their emotions and even becomes bitter/angry even though space was given then it does call for the extreme measures... Leading to Ghosting.

[meetkitty123]

there's two things to consider no one wants ro cause pain to another so dpace is understandable

Second no one wants something to become toxic and bitter so in this case ghosting is needed

[Still-alive]

so would you understand if they had to cut contact with you for awhile to get over their feelings for you?

[Still-alive]

"Second no one wants something to become toxic and bitter so in this case ghosting is needed "

as long as there's a fair warning before this happens. its ok. if it happens with no warning its pretty devastating. as someone who has been ghosted a number of times now.

[meetkitty123]

I always believe in fair warning however There are times when some people just dont get it. They stop the behavior for a while after being warned and asked to stop (more than once) but then after a some honeymoon peaceful time they start up again. In situations where after being warned before but they start their bitterness again there is no need for another warning by then its just time to realize the person you once cared for is long gone and has been replaced with someone toxic and its time to walk away without goodbyes... Despite how much it hurts.

[Still-alive]

what type of behavior are you talking about here? just curious

[meetkitty123]

Bitterness Anger Jealousy the constant reminder that they are unhappy because you rejected them... It feels like a guilt trip.
I also can't stand pitty party guilt traps as in "well im so glad your happy and found someone to date and make you happy unlike me who will always be lonely and can't find anyone" its like they are claiming they can't be happy unless with only you... As if dyaying you are the cause for their misery as well.
Also if They're behavior leads to arguments thats a big no no or
worst example
One time I fell asleep in my living room during a movie night with a male friend and awoke to them fondling me while I slept. Major line crossed there!

[Still-alive]

uhh wow on that last one.

ok i can understand how those behaviors are bad. i don't guilt people who reject me but i do tell them i have to stop talking awhile. i would just hope more women understand that sometimes that has to happen once my feelings grow into something i can't ignore.

[meetkitty123]

Its understandable and thats why sometimes I choose to be the one to start the space process

[melanieeeB]

That is a normal thing that can happen and I think women who do say that, mean the dudes who were already attracted from the get go and just acted as a friend so she "sees" how great he is and falls in love too cause those dudes will be fucking mad at you, when they do finally say what's up or mostly you figure it out on your own and you just know the friendship wasn't genuine

I had male friends who catched feelings later on but they would immediately seek a conversation, don't get mad and be normal... and also you feel the change in the dynamic and you feel the change in their behavior and that it isn't friendship anymore and that isn't betrayal, with the first you don't really feel a change cause they had their intentions from the get go and their behavior was always the same

[Still-alive]

yeah if he's not being completely upfront about his true feelings or intentions with you from the beginning thats bad.

But often for me im the type where after knowing the girl more i start to catch feelings for them. so im just hoping more women understand this can happen. it'd be great if more girls could catch on to the difference in vibes like you as well.

[NostalgiaSenpi]

It works the other way, too. I think both groups don't notice sometimes.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Yes, this can be so true.

[Bethany22]

I was hoping that could happen! About your second question, recently I too was thinking I should probably stay away from a particular social circle of mine where one of my crushes is, in order to cool down a bit and make sure I'm not irritable when I'm around him. I tend to start making cynical jokes about guys I like that don't like me back.

[CubsterShura]

I'm that way too and anyone can be regardless of gender. Many people cannot experience romantic attraction without establishing a close emotional bond first. It's called being demiromantic. Welcome to the aroace community.

[Still-alive]

hmm didn't know it had a name lol. neat.

yeah this has usually been the story of my life. i become friends with a girl. i usually do find them attractive at the very beginning physically. but with me i always need more than that before i want to try to date them. so eventually through the process of being a friend and getting to know her more i start to feel things for her. but unfortunately they just see me as a friend at that point and are not interested in anything more. and once i make a move... things can get awkward between us or we distance ourselves from each other.

kinda sucks but this has been my experience. I just wish more girls (and guys) could understand that for some it just takes time for feelings to develop.

[CubsterShura]

This is why I avoid the whole dating thing. Many demiromantic people just to accept their fate that they are at the mercy of good friendships to ever build a relationship form that. I just got at peace with knowing certain conventional methods of dating won't work for me so I continue to be kinder to myself when I'm single.

[Still-alive]

its a struggle. lucky for you is you're discovering this things at a younger age. its taken me awhile to discover most of my quirks. and believe it or not im still discovering new things about myself. I feel like i got most things figured out... but not everything it seems.

it just never ends for me. always a constant learning process.

[CubsterShura]

You can check out r/demiromantic on Reddit. I find their posts pretty relatable.

[lottiebannotie]

We do why don't guy's understand that itmay not be reciprocated?

[Still-alive]

a lot of us do get that. but just don't start saying you feel betrayed or something if we have to have a break from you awhile.

[menina]

I've never thought about this, but yes it makes sense to me.

[UnknownGagsUser]

Not just guys.. it goes to every genders if you were there spending lots of times you will eventually get attach and the romantic feelings will eventually develop:

[Guardian45]

It's happened more than once to me.