In the midst of a break up with long term partner, currently living in same place. I’m Trying to get out - rental issues in play at present so no immediate relief to have space as yet to process for both us.
Bbq on wk end for step daughters bday. Invited were close family & adult friends & child’s friends. No fights/disputes- which is a blessing. But there was some odd behaviour & mixed stuff going on from ex towards me. He is very subtle in how he plays out his behaviours or he is very loud in them. It’s one or the other.
When it was just his family and stepdaughters friends he was engaging and was joking and felt like flirtatious behaviour with me , trying to gain my attention but indirectly. He was like his normal self (like when together). He seemed happy & was watching me like a hawk, sort of taking me in if that makes sense. I was enjoying myself - the atmosphere was right. I was relaxed- I could be me. We ate before others turned up as we were starving. He lingers round the table grabbing food, indecisive where he should sit (the table is huge so plenty of room to choose to sit away from me) but he chooses to sit right next to me like he has always done. (Before this bbq he has been doing this stuff of hot n cold with conversation etc) one minute he seems mad next he seems sad next he is dissociating and or dismissive. He is really all over the place. He is normally very selective in who he spends time with , I have spent a lot of time in his company to know/pick up on these subtle things. His mood that bbq night literally changed with the lyrics to each song. Why would he be presenting like this? Then only when the adult friends turn up does he regulate his moods more and go straight to complete shut down but was watching everything I do and the actions/ conversations I was having. There were no extra males there that were single nor females- all were spoken for. It felt like sexual tension and emotional tension- it felt heavy. I don’t understand. Help?
Bbq on wk end for step daughters bday. Invited were close family & adult friends & child’s friends. No fights/disputes- which is a blessing. But there was some odd behaviour & mixed stuff going on from ex towards me. He is very subtle in how he plays out his behaviours or he is very loud in them. It’s one or the other.
When it was just his family and stepdaughters friends he was engaging and was joking and felt like flirtatious behaviour with me , trying to gain my attention but indirectly. He was like his normal self (like when together). He seemed happy & was watching me like a hawk, sort of taking me in if that makes sense. I was enjoying myself - the atmosphere was right. I was relaxed- I could be me. We ate before others turned up as we were starving. He lingers round the table grabbing food, indecisive where he should sit (the table is huge so plenty of room to choose to sit away from me) but he chooses to sit right next to me like he has always done. (Before this bbq he has been doing this stuff of hot n cold with conversation etc) one minute he seems mad next he seems sad next he is dissociating and or dismissive. He is really all over the place. He is normally very selective in who he spends time with , I have spent a lot of time in his company to know/pick up on these subtle things. His mood that bbq night literally changed with the lyrics to each song. Why would he be presenting like this? Then only when the adult friends turn up does he regulate his moods more and go straight to complete shut down but was watching everything I do and the actions/ conversations I was having. There were no extra males there that were single nor females- all were spoken for. It felt like sexual tension and emotional tension- it felt heavy. I don’t understand. Help?
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It sounds like you are in a difficult situation with your long-term partner as you go through a breakup while still living together. Based on what you described, it seems like your ex-partner may be exhibiting some confusing and mixed behavior towards you at the BBQ.
It's possible that your ex-partner is feeling a range of emotions towards you, which could explain his hot and cold behavior. He may still have feelings for you and is struggling to let go, or he may be feeling hurt or angry about the breakup. It's also possible that he is trying to manipulate or control the situation by playing mind games with you.
The fact that he seemed to be flirting with you and seeking your attention during the early part of the BBQ suggests that he may still have feelings for you. However, his behavior became more withdrawn and shut down when other people arrived, which could indicate that he is uncomfortable with others seeing him interact with you in a certain way.
It's important to remember that you don't have to try to figure out your ex-partner's behavior on your own. It may be helpful to speak with a therapist or trusted friend to help you process your emotions and navigate this difficult time. It's also important to prioritize your own well-being and set boundaries with your ex-partner if his behavior becomes harmful or manipulative.
It’s such odd behaviour for someone who is so admit to ensure that he shows the world how noble he can be by letting me stay here til I find rental. I was the one that suggested I move into my own place out of anger- when I told him why he didn’t want to hear it he shut me out told me to not talk to anyone (the friends that I have made within his friends). When he is hurt undoubtedly he is like a bear with a sore tooth, I didn’t come to this decision lightly nor did I think about it - it just come out my mouth- I’d say that I am experiencing regret but I am also aware we both need some time before proper conversation may be had. I am confident that he still loves me but I am not so confident that I understand what a man (any one in particular not just this one) goes through in a break up and what that looks like externally. I am very emotionally switched on naturally and also very in tune to his behaviours and body language but I am second guessing myself.
I also have been going to therapy for months to try work on my own issues and mental health. So I have support there on that end at present.
It's understandable that you're feeling confused and second-guessing yourself in this situation. Breakups can be difficult and emotionally charged, and it can be hard to know how to interpret someone's behavior when they are going through a rough time.
It's possible that your ex-partner is struggling with conflicting emotions and is unsure how to act around you. He may still love you but also feel hurt and betrayed by the breakup. His behavior at the BBQ could be a reflection of this internal conflict, with him alternating between trying to engage with you and shutting down around others.
It's important to remember that everyone processes breakups differently, and there is no one "right" way to behave. It's also important to prioritize your own emotional well-being and take care of yourself during this time. It's great that you're already seeking support through therapy, and I would encourage you to continue to prioritize your own self-care as you navigate this challenging situation.
When you feel ready, it may be helpful to have a conversation with your ex-partner about your feelings and expectations for your living situation. However, it's important to approach this conversation with empathy and understanding, and to be prepared for the possibility that he may not be ready or willing to engage in a productive dialogue at this time.
You are breaking up so why does any of this matter?
Because I have to live here until I find a rental , I care about him deeply and his well being , I do not want to see him struggle.
Why would he struggle?
This relationship was long standing, longest since his marriage broke up, we have been through a lot together and he is showing signs of not being able to regulate his feelings or process them. He is becoming quite depressed at present. But he is not really opening up too much he is hurt.
Did you cheat on him?
No I did not. In fact I loved and love him more then I love myself. That’s where is went wrong