Guys, will you avoid a smart and attractive woman who shows interest in you and rather wait for a much better woman to come along?

[Anonymous]

Yes

No

Other answer, please explain in comment

[EricSummer]

I am already with a smart and attractive woman, so I would have to be clear about that and give this new woman a pass.

If I were available I would of course give a chance to a smart and attractive woman who shows interest. We should then get to know each other.

If this works out and an emotional bond is formed then there will be no "better" one later that I would have to wait for. Just like my actual situation now, really.

[Asker]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Actually I met a male coworker about 3 months ago. He clearly showed interest and even expressed it indirectly. He and I worked remotely and had met at an office in person gathering. I starting liking him back when I got to know about him.
I initiated two conversations over office chat and once we had over an hour long chat which was like a first date talk. It was all going well but suddenly I got laid off from my job. I work as computer engineer and had joined this company few months ago.
Before I left, I sent him a text message and told him that I was glad I got to meet and know him. Also, I told him that since he and I didn’t work in the same place, I like him a lot.
Then I shared my phone number and email address. He read my message about 3 weeks ago but hasn’t replied.
I’m actually confused because I was confident he liked me back and will reply so we can at least get to know each other.
I don’t know what the problem is. Does he think that I’m not good because I couldn’t keep a job? But I have strong academic and professional experience.
May be because I live in different state so he wants to avoid long distance? I don’t know. Everyday I wait for his message.
Can you please help me understand what might be going on his head? Do you think he might message me?
Also, I have a feeling that he avoids things written in a romantic way but I had no choice but to text him.
Please help.

[EricSummer]

It is possible that the long distance puts him off. In addition, meeting you in the office kept his interest going. In German we say a person can be "out of the eyes, out of the mind". Distance makes him forget about you.

Anyway, given that there was an initial attraction, you can still follow up. So far you have basically sent a farewell message and left your details. That's quite common in an office and people always forget about this once a coworker is gone.

You should make a new attempt for contact. Just ask him how it's going on text. Then express that it's unfortunate you no longer work in the same office where you would always meet.

As you are both smart, this conversation should lead to the idea that you are still free to meet. This idea can come from him, but also from you if he is too slow. And then you arrange a meetup together.

As you are the one who moved, it could be best to meet at a place familiar to both of you in his city. A visit to your new city could be for a second date.

It is possible he will reject you, but you should at least get some clarity. In case of doubt, a woman should be more active to get a man she wants.

[Asker]

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I wish I could send another text.
I actually also told him in my message to only him that I like him a lot. That’s when I shared my contact details. He read it but hasn’t responded so I have decided not to send him another text. He knows my feelings, he knows that he likes me too and he knows how to reach me.
Now the question is will he gather courage and take that chance?
He only needs to reply to me so I can clarify that I can move and for us to talk about what we feel and want and try to work things out. It all depends on his reply!

[EricSummer]

Three weeks is too long. It would feel awkward for him to reply so late, even if he initially meant to reply. You have to follow it up with another message. Just ask how he is doing. Do not refer to the earlier message at first and do not start about feelings. Just establish a bit of contact. If he is interested he will answer what you asked earlier.

It's a bit more than a woman would usually do, but would be absolutely within the normal range for a man. In 2023, a woman should not be forced to just wait.

[Asker]

From what I know about him, I have a feeling that he won't reply on a written medium. He is very closed off person on written stuff especially when it comes to such direct things about feelings. If it was face to face then he would have accepted his feelings too. Face to face isn't an option right now.
Also, I have heard that no answer is an answer. Would you think that's what he has done - rejected me silently?
When he and I were talking at work, I went out of my comfort zone and initiated both the conversations. And I did the same when opening up about my feelings now. With due respect to your concern and kind advise, I do not want to lose all my self-respect and appear desperate by sending him another message.
I agree with you that women don't hesitate to take the lead these days but I've done all I could. I wait for his reply everyday but I know I won't send another message to him :( He will have to do it.

[Asker]

I find it hard to believe that he would turn me down because I know (and he also knows) that he had strong attraction with me and he and I were building emotional connection.
Things were supposed to go at slow pace but because of my sudden layoff from the company (I got trapped in a weird situation where my skills are far more but I was one of the new people at target guess), things just went on a fast track after I told him about my feelings. May be he isn't ready for it, yet and so chose to stay silent.
Do you think that his silence is not necessarily he turning me down?

[EricSummer]

I think he regretted your leaving. He surely enjoyed a bit of flirting next to the work. However, he also made his peace with the situation and is moving on. That seems the most likely.

[Asker]

I am also regretting the sudden turn of events. It was an honest and promising relationship in the works.
This is what I had texted him. Do you think he might reply to me someday?

“Hi, I think you know by now that I’m not with the company anymore. I wanted to tell you that I’m so glad I got to meet you. I really enjoyed getting to know you.

Now that we are not in the same professional environment, I want to also tell you that I like you a lot.
Here is my phone number and email address. Take care and All the best.”

[Asker]

@ericsummer
I am planning to send him another message. I wanted to run it by you to get your feedback. Is it ok or does it seem like I'm talking about feelings? I agree with your advise in one of the above comments not to talk about feelings and just try to establish contact. I'll be grateful if I can have your guidance on below drafted message.

"Hi, I was thinking about the wonderful memories from our in-person meeting and thought to say hi and check how you are doing. I wish that the layoffs didn't happen and we got to know each other more."

[EricSummer]

Hi again. I'm surprised that on the one hand you are hesitating to contact him as this might come off as too pushy or needy, but then you write a message that is directly admitting feelings.

I think it would be more appropriate to kick it off easily with just "Hi, how are you doing?" so he can first answer. Maybe chat about what's going on in the office you both know. You can then point out it's a shame you no longer see each other, but give him the chance to agree to this first, before referring memories.

Honestly, it's great to be forward and you can even suggest a meet up directly. This will be better than talking about feelings and regrets.

I'd say don't be shy to contact him, but keep it very casual and do not admit deep feelings.

[Asker]

I will do so. That totally makes sense to me. Thank you!

[Asker]

@ericsummer,
I had messaged him on Friday and he read it but hasn’t replied yet. Any idea what he might be thinking?

[shortster]

Nope, I am pretty simple. If I like you and you are willing I will take you out on a date.

[Asker]

If this woman moves away but possibility of returning, would you still want to be in touch with her and try to get to know her? And also give her the chance for her to get to know you till she returns?
Or would you just avoid her because it’s long distance?

[shortster]

I don't like long distance relationships.

[Asker]

I got what the problem might be in my case. Thanks!

[shortster]

You're welcome

[Berethor]

I am 35, it would be silly, an smart and attractive woman is pretty hard to find nowadays.

[Asker]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Actually I met a male coworker about 3 months ago. He clearly showed interest and even expressed it indirectly. He and I worked remotely and had met at an office in person gathering. I starting liking him back when I got to know about him.
I initiated two conversations over office chat and once we had over an hour long chat which was like a first date talk. It was all going well but suddenly I got laid off from my job. I work as computer engineer and had joined this company few months ago.
Before I left, I sent him a text message and told him that I was glad I got to meet and know him. Also, I told him that since he and I didn’t work in the same place, I like him a lot.
Then I shared my phone number and email address. He read my message about 3 weeks ago but hasn’t replied.
I’m actually confused because I was confident he liked me back and will reply so we can at least get to know each other.
I don’t know what the problem is. Does he think that I’m not good because I couldn’t keep a job? But I have strong academic and professional experience.
May be because I live in different state so he wants to avoid long distance? I don’t know. Everyday I wait for his message.
Can you please help me understand what might be going on his head? Do you think he might message me?
Also, I have a feeling that he avoids things written in a romantic way but I had no choice but to text him.
Please help.

[Berethor]

Men usually don't care about woman's job so it's not likely to be his reason for not replying.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypergamy#Mating_preferences

[Asker]

Then it has to be distance. I wish he could at least reply in some form so I could tell him that distance won’t be an issue as I can move. If I send another text, not only will I seem desperate but I will ruin any chances that he might still reply on his own at some point.

[ArrowheadSW]

I like smart women so I would not avoid a smart and attractive woman who shows interest. Odds are I'd be interested also.

[nolabels]

What might be better than smart and attractive?

[TheUniqueOne96]

If she ticks the boxes, then I'd rather not wait around.

[Anonymous]

no, why would anyone avoid a smart attractive woman that also shows an interest. That would be very dumb.

[Asker]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Actually I met a male coworker about 3 months ago. He clearly showed interest and even expressed it indirectly. He and I worked remotely and had met at an office in person gathering. I starting liking him back when I got to know about him.
I initiated two conversations over office chat and once we had over an hour long chat which was like a first date talk. It was all going well but suddenly I got laid off from my job. I work as computer engineer and had joined this company few months ago.
Before I left, I sent him a text message and told him that I was glad I got to meet and know him. Also, I told him that since he and I didn’t work in the same place, I like him a lot.
Then I shared my phone number and email address. He read my message about 3 weeks ago but hasn’t replied.
I’m actually confused because I was confident he liked me back and will reply so we can at least get to know each other.
I don’t know what the problem is. Does he think that I’m not good because I couldn’t keep a job? But I have strong academic and professional experience.
May be because I live in different state so he wants to avoid long distance? I don’t know. Everyday I wait for his message.
Can you please help me understand what might be going on his head? Do you think he might message me?
Also, I have a feeling that he avoids things written in a romantic way but I had no choice but to text him.
Please help.

[BosStr34]

Give me a smart attractive woman in this case. It means she's got her life together

[Asker]

That’s Me. And sadly I have had unfortunate sudden turn of events where I had to move away but I left my contacts for this guy who likes me back. I was in talking stage with him. It’s been 3 weeks and he hasn’t replied even though he had read my message.
I know that’s confession that I like him went too fast but I did it because I had mountain of evidence of his interest to make me feel confident that I will not lose this connection if I just reached out and told him my feelings…. And he hasn’t replied, yet.
What do I do now? Do you think he might reply after figuring out whatever might be doing on in his head?

[noohair]

Better? in what way?