I have been with a guy for 6 months now. It's been pretty great, he is there for me, he cares for me and my daughter, he is affectionate, all the things a woman would want but...
We havnt had sex for 3 weeks and even before that it was like getting water out of a rock. I was confused and spoke to him about it and he reassured it was due to stress and work and that things will get better, that he just doesn't have the mental capacity to juggle all his work/ stress and things about sex. Yes I know it sounded weird to me to because all the guys i know and spoke to tell me that most men need sex etc etc. When I felt I could be the reason, he said multiple times it wasn't me and blamed it on stress. Now before you think he might be cheating, I can cross that off the list now. He always calls me, talks to me, facetimes me, and Im always with him. He really doesn't have that kind of character, however I noticed the other day when being at his place that the lube was open. I have had my suspicions that he was 'pulling' one off but last night before i went to sleep I messaged him and asked him when the last time he self pressured and his reply was very defensive. " A few days ago I think, I dont know, why?" " I dont know why this Sh*t matter to you" Obviously this just broke me because I had begged him and done everything to 'distract' him and he always used the excuse that he was stressed etc. I am honestly hurt so bad because he lied to my face, disrespected me and brought back all my insecurities I had finally let go of (which wasn't easy). It is strange to me because He grabs my butt, kisses me and loves on me all the time so please can someone explain why he prefers the company of his own hand to me? I havnt stopped crying and feel I am not good enough.
I need guys and girls on this one, I dont know what to do, walk away or fight through?
Updates
9 mo
PS: I dont have a problem with self pleasure and have expressed this to him, my problem is that he turns me down and self pleasures.
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
1Opinion
here's a shocker... people can be ashamed and lie!
you can take that personally all you want and beat yourself with a huge stick if you want, but it generally has nothing to do with you but them.
So time to figure out what his real problem is and if you can help. probably porn, certainly ashamed, maybe afraid... but may be much deeper than that. therapy may be required to crack the nut and getting him there will be tough. Getting him to see it's a problem may be tough. relationships are work.
or give up if the project is too hard for you and move on. you know there's a problem, or at least is not being honest.
Im willing to put in the work, I really care about him, but how does one confront this type of thing? As much as its hard for him maybe to talk about it, we are in this together and I can can tell you now he will not see a specialist, he is that type of person where asking for help to him is weakness in a way. I shouldn't have to turn into a detective I need him to just let the dice fall so we can figure it out together.
you are stating a conflict. you are saying he's hard headed and he won't see a specialist. So whom will he talk to.
The answe is directly confront him in a compassionate and caring way and slowly work it until he realizes he has a problem.
I don't see a problem with occasional, but if he isn't there for you at all, that be an issue. maybe he is not comfortable with intimacy, hurt in prior relationships, addicted to porn and magazines, maybe he's a murder, affraid of having children, previously sexually abused, etc etc... the list of possible wounds controlling him is long.
Somehow he has to WANT to find the root problem and resolve it so he can have a good full relationship with you.
solutions would be to go out to GAG and write some questions if he doesn't know himself, to see input, find male group support in church, with God, with other men, reading books, videos, etc..
Most men have problems, the damage in our society is great. I had problems, multiple. My wife helped a lot and she suffered for it but she was very patient being a teacher. You cannot be a needy greedy moody B about this, even when your needs say otherwise. that's what it's hard... on the caregiver.
So you work the problems. Challenge is him shutting down, avoiding, deflecting, lying. You already see some of those, and they are signs of emotional issues.
Really Great answer, I am a very open person and think i am very reasonable and understadning if you are honest with me. Going through your list I can see how one or 2 of those things could be the root cause. A month in our relationship the question came up about self pleasure and he said he doesn't like to do it because when he was younger he had a problem with porn. Maybe those issues have come back and thats whats causing it?
I really appreciate your answers, really great advice and from someone with the experience. Thank you
you do sound mature and reasonable given you are able to recognize issues and willing to work with him. so many people cut and run these days. he can reach out on GAG, other sides or to me if he's so willing. it's all solvable.