Is this a red flag? Should I stick to my 1 year plan to get to know him?

[Bella_Iris]

So I went to middle school and highschool with this guy. I knew he liked me in middle school, but I thought “oh it’s just a silly crush, it will pass”. I did like him in middle school but I was just afraid to do anything about it because everyone would have negatively judged. Flash forward 7 years— (we are both out of highschool) we lost contact. I noticed him watching my insta stories- yes I did look at his profile and I did follow him back. He accepted and 2 weeks later he professes his deep romantic feelings for me out of no where. This whole time he didn’t talk— he told me he was contemplating reaching out. He said he had liked me all 7 years we didn’t talk. So I told him I was flattered and I wanted to be friends, I wanted to wait a year before I start dating him. He agreed and is totally ok with that idea. A week later, I went to dinner with my friend and I started talking about him. She wanted to look through his insta. She found he was following a lot of inappropriate women accounts and so I brought that up to him and he said he would remove them. (He only removed a few). He said he wants to make me as comfortable as possible and he is willing to wait for me. My friend sees the account thing as a huge red flag to the point where I should end all communication with him. I see that it’s a sign of caution but not a “run the other way” sign. Am I stupid for thinking about it this way? On top of that, he has a car, job and didn’t finish college (but planning to go back) . My mom doesn’t approve but I’m hoping baby steps— especially with a year. My friend said she would cancel me if I don’t cancel him. I feel overwhelmed and sad.

[DaveJord]

So, the account thing, I mean that's pretty critical. Who the hell these days your age does not have questionable social media accounts... I mean that is hyper critical. I mean it sounds like your freind is more concerned than you are, and you are letting that freind influence you. That sounds weak to me, and I am not attracted to weak people.

The one-year thing to even date him, now to me that's a huge RED FLAG from you. Now you have this guy willing to change his life on social media for you and you will not even date him?

I mean it's one thing if you knew nothing about this guy, but you have known him for close to a decade, I mean what else do you have to know just to go out on dates with him. To me he has basically given you a year to find any reason you deem fit to not date him, with is honestly the same situation you have right now. Where you are doing just that, looking for reasons not to date him. So, to me, that is not how relationships start with demands and requirements like that. Look, I was married for 24 years until I divorced at 45 years-old after raising two children with this woman.

I meet her, one day on the street. She was riding her bike home at 18 years old; I stepped out in front of her to get her stop. We talked for an hour, and I got her phone number. We started dating after a few dates, all within a 30-to-60-day period, and we married an 18 months later and we were married for 24 years.

Everything about this post is ridiculous to me... and this guy he agreed to that... it's too desperate sounding to me... like who the hell do you think you are that your worth this guy living under your microscope for a year before you decide to date him or not. I would not want a woman who would agree to that, and I would not want to date someone that felt that is what they needed of me. Because I put more value on myself than that... so he sounds like insecure or desperate guy to me.

Look you don't really want to date this guy, or you would, or you would actually give him an honest chance. You are not doing either, so instead of wasting this guy's time... just tell him you are not interested. Because if you were interested, then you would date him.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. " I brought that up to him and he said he would remove them. (He only removed a few)." So you aren't even dating and he is already misleading you and telling you lies.

2. "He accepted and 2 weeks later he professes his deep romantic feelings for me out of no where." You have never dated, never held hands, never kissed, and he knows only a few superficial things about you. What is it about you that he "loves?" That is not how love works. He has a fantasy image of who you are, based mostly on who he wants you to be, and he wants you to help himmake his fantasy come true. Guys like this tend to become unrealistic and controlling when they get more comfortable with you, and they are usually very immature.

3. "he has a car, job" Any guy who is in his 20's should either be employed or in school, and have a car. That is not much of a qualification unless you are accustomed to dating losers.

4. "and didn’t finish college (but planning to go back.)" I'm planning on having $1,000,000 in savings when I retire, and then I;m either going to become an actor or an astronaut.

5. "My friend said she would cancel me if I don’t cancel him." She is not a friend. She should be helpful and supportive and NOT give you an ultimatum; that is not what REAL friends do.

[Bella_Iris]

I do worry about him having this very unrealistic image of who I was and who I am now. Heck, we haven’t talked for 7 years! He is basing all of his knowledge of me off of stories in his mind. I know it’s very unrealistic to just dream about it for so long. He claims that he was nervous to tell me.. but also during this time he was in a relationship where she ended up cheating on him… but now I feel like he is exercising “the next best option”… me. I feel like I’m at a cross roads because I agreed to hang out with him on this coming Saturday. I don’t want to hurt him but at the same time I’m just apprehensive if I should even be hanging out with him because of this very likely unrealistic image he thinks I am. We have been texting and he is pretty consistent but some things he does say do not add up. I think maybe it’s best to abort mission… right? Right from the start things just seemed too good to be true. I think he may be desperate. But I just don’t know him well enough to be sure.

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, he does sound desperate. You could suggest that he meet you at a coffee shop during the day to sit and talk for awhile. A daytime meeting is less like a date, and that gives you an opportunity to talk and make more assessment of whether he is fantasizing about you, rebounding, or whatever. But I wouldn't fault you at all if you cancelled the arrangements.

[robhazelnut]

She's not currently acting a friend of yours, she's currently someone who's trying to manage you. There are many shades of inappropriate- if it's women modeling in a sexy manner without full nudity, that just means he has particular tastes, since he's following their accounts. If it's stuff most people would call vile, then to me that seems like a sign of danger. A definite red flag is that he hadn't unfollowed all of them. He didn't technically lie, but he chose to operate with a conflicting interest between seeing you and following them. It's hard for a single straight man to unfollow a bunch of beautiful women to him, especially if he's surrounded by concrete and drywall boxes all day. Giving him another try at unfollowing them, if they're that lighter shade of inappropriate, seems reasonable to me. I only advocate for letting someone else boss one around if it's necessary for the health and/or dignity of oneself or those in one's care.

[CalmUntilAbused]

He's simply coping with loneliness. It is a wrong way to do it, but still, that's all tere is to it. However, it might become a bigger problem if He goes further down this path.

[WhitneySnow]

I agree with you. Your friend’s a jerk.