My exes friend messaged me after a party. Should I tell my ex?

[Anonymous]

My ex and I have been speaking for awhile and recently for new years, he invited me to his friends house party. It was fun and I met a lot of people, one of them being a friend of his. He was really nice and the day after the party messaged me on instagram to say hi and asked how I was doing. We spoke at the party about how his brother worked at a place where i’m able to get a camera and on instagram we spoke about which cameras he recommended and stuff. He sent me the photos he took of everyone, and my ex knew about that, but I already mentioned that to him. I feel like the conversation is going to keep going and tbh it feels weird to even have a regular conversation (no flirting or anything) with him without my ex knowing and I feel like he’s going to be upset. Should I tell him? What should I say?

[Oliverlogan263]

Uhhh, I dunno that's a tough one. On the one hand your ex might get jealous or something if you talk to his friend without telling him. But at the same time it's not like you're flirting or anything, you're just talking cameras and stuff right? Maybe just play it cool for now and see if your ex even finds out. If the friend starts saying anything weird though or your ex asks you directly I'd probably fess up. Don't wanna lose your ex's trust over nothing. Maybe drop it casual into conversation next time you see your ex, like "oh by the way so-and-so was asking about cameras the other day." Keep it light though, don't make a big thing of it. Hopefully your ex won't care. Good luck!

[Asker]

Thank you for your reply!!! I asked my ex if his friend knows whether we dated or not and he hasn’t replied. So I don’t know how to approach afterwards. I forgot to mention that earlier. But yes, no flirting or anything! I just want to be as respectful as possible to my ex because we still do see each other and he did invite me to the party.

[Oliverlogan263]

Ah I see, that does change things a bit since you don't know if his friend even knows you guys dated. In that case, I'd probably hit up the friend real quick and just say something like "Hey, not sure if you know but me and (ex's name) used to date. Just wanted to double check that before we keep chatting."

That way you cover your bases and don't end up accidentally making your ex feel weird if the friend didn't realize. Then see how the friend responds before deciding what to tell your ex.

If the friend knew about you two, then yeah go ahead and let your ex know like I said before, just to keep him in the loop. But if the friend says he had no idea, then you're good to keep chatting with no issues.

I'd still give your ex a heads up at some point just cause you're being friendly with one of his friends now. But no need to rush into it if it turns out the friend was clueless. Just play it cool so your ex doesn't feel like you're trying to hide stuff or cause drama. Keep it respectful like you said and you guys should be good!

[Asker]

I haven’t replied to his friend and I do feel a little bad just ghosting him. But I asked my ex if his friend knows we dated and he replied saying he thought he did but maybe not. he then asked me if he was being too friendly and what was he saying and he said that now he’s thinking about it and his friend was around me at the party all night. I told him that we were just having a random conversation and that I just felt a little weird talking to him without my ex knowing and he replied saying that’s interesting and he’s not going to say anything about it.

So i got mad lol and I asked him what’s that supposed to mean and said that I’m not going to talk to him, I was just trying to be respectful by letting him know. and my ex asked me why i was getting mad lol and that he said it’s interesting about his friend dming me, not me replying. he knows i’m not doing anything. I asked him why he finds that interesting, and he said it just is. And now I don’t know what to say.

[Oliverlogan263]

Whoa see, this is getting real messy real fast. I'd be pissed at your ex too, he's acting super sketchy about all this.

Honestly it sounds like maybe his friend did know you guys dated and was trying to move in, and your ex is realizing that now too which is why he's getting all weird. Guys can be territorial even after breaking up sometimes.

I'd just be straight up with your ex. Say something like "Look, I'm done playing these games. Either you trust me or you don't. Your 'friend' was all over me at the party so I'm not buying he didn't know we dated. If you have something to say, say it, otherwise leave me out of your weird mind games."

Don't let him gaslight you into thinking you're the one in the wrong here. You did the right thing trying to be upfront. Now if he keeps being suspicious for no reason, might be time to take a step back from both of them for a bit. You don't need that drama! Just my two cents.

[Asker]

oh my gosh, that’s a great thing to say to him! we still talk every day and see each other when i’m home so because of all this, i’m trying to be super respectful. his brother is engaged to one of their friend’s exes and I know that got messy for awhile and that’s why i’m trying not to cause any drifts, especially because this friend who messaged me are such good friends with my ex. I also feel really bad for ghosting his friend, but you’re right. maybe it’s best to keep some distance. thank you so much!

[Oliverlogan263]

You're welcome mama, glad I could help provide some perspective. Yeah sounds like drama with exes is nothing new in that friend group. Definitely smart to tread lightly so you don't get caught up in any mess.

I wouldn't feel too bad about taking a step back from the friend either. He should understand needing space, especially since it's unclear if he knew about you and your ex. Just be polite if you have to interact at group things.

Most important is keeping honest communication with your ex. Sounds like you guys are in a tricky situation, but as long as you continue to make your intentions clear that you respect boundaries, that's all you can do on your end. He'll either trust you or he won't - not much else to do there but let him figure his own stuff out.

You seem like you're handling it well so far. Just stay cool-headed, do your thing and don't let their potential drama bring you down. It'll work out how it's meant to. You got this!

[Asker]

yeah so I got a little too upset and said joel, i’m not going to guess what that means or what you’re thinking. you’re never straight up when I ask you anything lol I wouldn’t do anything with your friends anyways, just you but whatever, i’m done. and he said: I’m not saying that you’re doing anything with anyone. I don’t know why you’re twisting what I’m saying and getting mad for. I just didn’t realize he was vibing with you like that at the party, I didn’t say you were doing anything. but whatever, be done

sooo lol I only try to be this respectful I realized I like him again and I do want us to get back together maybe? I don’t know lol he’s really cute so it would be cool but I don’t know if I should reply and maybe say something lighthearted and cute or just keep distance and let him be

[Oliverlogan263]

Ah man, sounds like things got a little heated there for a minute. But I get why, these situations can be stressful when feelings are involved. On one hand, maybe a lighthearted reply could be a good way to smooth things over since you still like him. But there's also a risk of coming on too strong if he's still unsure how he feels. If it was me, I might wait a little bit just to let some of the tension dissolve. Give him a day or two to chill and then send a simple "hey, sorry about earlier" type of text to leave things on a positive note. Don't bring up getting back together yet, just aim to end on friendly terms in case you do want to try again down the road. The last thing you want is unresolved drama hanging over you. Play it cool for now so he knows there's no pressure, but you're open if he changes his mind later. Focus on you for a bit and the rest will work itself out. You got this, just stay true to yourself!

[JTPeterson]

He his your ex it is really none of his business who you become friends with or not or weather there is any flirting or not. If you are uncomfortable with it then end it stop talking to him after at least explaining your reason don’t just ghost him like some kind of a$$hole just be up front honest and then just end it. Sorry if I’m harsh just speaking my opinion and how I have dealt from personal experience when I have been ghosted over someone just being honest with me

[Lliam]

Why the F would anyone care what their ex thinks?
Do you need his permission to date or even to talk to another guy? Are you trying to make him jealous? Do you want to start trouble between him and his friend?

It sound like you're still not over your ex and are hoping to get him back.
Why don't you just move on with life?

[RebelinSteel]

He’s your ex, whatever you do have nothing to do with him, you are single and can make your own mind up about what you do. He is your EX.

[Summeroflove]

You can if you feel the need to. But if you’re starting to like someone else. Maybe you should make a direct move on him.

[AviatorTom]

Ask yourself this question... what benefit would there be if you tell your ex, versus not telling him?

If it were me, I would see no benefit in telling him.

[OlderAndWiser]

If you are talking to your ex and what he thinks still matters to you, then you really haven't broken up.

[Finchie40]

You don’t need to tell your ex anything, An ex is an ex for a reason, exempt them from your life , an ex has no say on what you do period

[Twalli]

It shouldn't matter, even er n if it does get romantic. Your ex isn't a guy who you're interested in maybe dating again, right? So if a rekindled relationship is off the table, it doesn't matter.

[nawtee_me]

Why? He is your ex now and you are open to date anyone too.

[jimster2929]

yehhh it is s tough question.. do you still speak to your ex and how good of a friend is he? all depends how you feel towards the situation.. he could be mr perfect and it could be a disaster..

[Nice222]

I would think it’s none of his business. And it will only cause more drama and problems if you tell him.

[Luckycharms12]

Exes that's not a friend clearly wouldn't do it if he was

[MackBoy]

Yes you should let him know because after you fall into trouble, you can't do anything.

[jaskin777]

Ya go ahead and tell him

[Winnerongod33]

No I don't think is important at all