My ex has borderline personality disorder. He’s told people, so no I’m not just assuming. So because of this , he will say he still loves me one day then the next he doesn’t , then so on. I really don’t care if he doesn’t love me anymore, he changes his mind everyday because of his illness.
But what I really don’t understand is the staring. We unfortunately have to be around each other a lot, and 2 people approached me yesterday telling me when I’m leaving he turns his head in my direction and watches me walk away until you can’t see me anymore , he eyes me when I’m not looking constantly and when he’s caught by someone he looks away , and also does come up to me quite a bit to make conversation.
I was by far his longest girlfriend and although we had good times, it was a relationship full of arguing and his illness made it hell for me.
Why is he doing this?
But what I really don’t understand is the staring. We unfortunately have to be around each other a lot, and 2 people approached me yesterday telling me when I’m leaving he turns his head in my direction and watches me walk away until you can’t see me anymore , he eyes me when I’m not looking constantly and when he’s caught by someone he looks away , and also does come up to me quite a bit to make conversation.
I was by far his longest girlfriend and although we had good times, it was a relationship full of arguing and his illness made it hell for me.
Why is he doing this?
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Man, that situation with your ex sounds super confusing and frustrating. With his borderline disorder changing how he feels all the time, I can see why his hot-cold behavior would mess with your head.
As for the staring and following you with his eyes - that's definitely weird if he's the one who said it's over and wants you to move on. My best guess is he still has some lingering feelings or attachment to you deep down, even if mentally he thinks he's done with the relationship. You were together a long time, so those kinds of feelings don't just disappear overnight.
It's possible part of him misses being close to you, so he watches when you're not looking as a way to still feel connected somehow. Or he could be making sure you're really moving on and not hanging around wanting him back. Sounds like classic anxious behavior for someone with BPD.
I wouldn't read too much into it or try to figure it out though. Most important thing is taking care of yourself and not getting sucked back into the drama since you said the relationship was unhealthy. Next time you see him staring, just give him a "WTF you looking at?" kinda look and walk away. Hopefully he'll get the hint to stop or at least be more subtle about it. You don't need that extra stress and confusion in your life. Just focus on you and keep your distance - hopefully in time he'll fully accept it's over and leave you be.
Oh I’ve given him absolutely 0 reason to believe I want him back. I don’t even look in his direction anymore and wouldn’t have known that he’s still staring unless people told me. He also does this strange thing where he will start deflecting onto me and think anything I bring up to him is an indication of me wanting him back and claims that I have a sick obsession with him, when everybody knows that that’s a deflection of what he probably feels if he’s the one looking at me all the time. Everyone thinks he knows he screwed up big time but because of his BPD, cannot express this in a healthy manner, so he resorts to staring or having outbursts. Last week my phone screen lit up in front of him and there were 2 notifications from a guy I was speaking to and he looks directly into my phone lol. And after that he started approaching me even more bringing up unnecessary things just to have a reason to talk.
We also broke up like 6 months ago and he has yet to start dating according to what he says he just wants to be single.
Ugh girl he sounds exhausting! Projecting all his feelings onto you and acting like you’re the obsessed one - classic BPD behavior. Clearly he’s the one who can’t let go even after half a year, no matter what nonsense comes out of his mouth.
I’m not surprised everyone thinks he knows he messed up badly by losing you. You were the longest relationship he’s had and he’s still single after all this time? Major red flag that he’s having a hard time moving on.
Peeping at your phone notifications was such a creepy crossing of boundaries too. He’s totally threatened by you talking to other guys now, the staring and approaching more all make sense as desperate attempts to interfere. Like he can’t stand the thought of you being with someone else.
Stay strong keeping your distance emotionally from him. The deflection and accusations are just tactics to get a reaction out of you. Don’t give him the satisfaction! You did the right thing cutting contact, don’t let him wiggle his way back in.
Keep living your best life without him dragging you down. Easier said than done I’m sure, but don’t let him confuse you into thinking you’re the one in the wrong here. Keep your chin up girl, you got this!
Yup! And I feel as if it’s classic NPD behaviour too. We’re always the obsessed crazy ones and I wonder how he could even accuse me of being obsessed when he’s known to drive by peoples houses and streets etc. I was always warned that if I get a boyfriend, no matter whether he tells me to move on or not, he will stalk the shit out of me because those types of people think that we could never move on from them.
It’s just scary to me how someone could scream at me telling me to move on and get a boyfriend a few weeks ago. As I said he brought up literally out nowhere that he thinks I’m obsessed (which everybody laughed at when I told them), doesn’t want to be with me, can’t be with me , and to move on. Then calls back to apologize 2 seconds later for screaming (classic BPD mood swings). I do as he asks and he’s now approaching me every second to small talk and seemed really threatened by seeing me speak to other guys. He’s an absolute mess, and now I see why he could never keep a relationship. He has serious attachment issues. And if I ever confronted him about him looking at my phone he’d deny it and explode even though people have seen him do it a couple months ago as well.
If you don’t want to be with me and don’t love me (back and forth between hating me, loving me then not loving me) , what is the point of all of this? Sorry for all the questions he just frustrates me so much.
Man, your ex sounds nuts. All that hot and cold back and forth would drive anyone crazy. It's so messed up that he's telling you to move on but then clearly not able to handle the idea of you actually doing that. The fact that he's approaching you all the time and got all weird about seeing you talk to other guys just proves he's not over you at all, no matter what he claims.
People with disorders like BPD and NPD have a hard time accepting reality when it doesn't line up with their twisted thoughts and feelings. So he thinks if he screams at you enough to leave, that makes it true in his head. But deep down he still wants to control you and freaks at the idea of losing that. Honestly man, he's never going to change. The best thing you can do is stop expecting any logic or consistency from him. Just keep doing your thing and don't let him bait you back into the DRAMA. Easier said than done, I know. But you deserve so much better than that toxic back-and-forth bullcrap. Keep your chin up!
Thank you so much for your help 🙏🏼
It is my pleasure madamé 😊
Stay away
That doesn’t answer anything. And I am staying away.
He sounds like a sociopath
Well you’re right about that
And on train so signal is bad
That’s okay