We met in real life but we are dating long distance for now. He knows I spend time with other online guy friends who we play games with. He has told me in the past to let him know if I am spending time with those guy friends online or if one of my in real life guy friends has invited me out, within a group scenario. I had told him I'd only spend time with them in a group situation to avoid confusion.
I had told him about a gaming session I had with a couple of my other guy friends today, and he seemed confused as to why I would mention it. He got angry because he thought I was trying to make him jealous, despite him telling me he did not care about the online ones. I said to him he wanted me to tell him, but I also thought it was an interesting story to share.
He then proceeded to explain to me those online guy friends like me, and that I should go with them. I asked him what does he mean, I am not interested in them and they live in a different country, it would never work. He told me he isn't stopping me and said if I want them I should go be with them. I asked him does he want me to be with them, and he went a bit speechless. I said I wouldn't despite him telling me this.
He says his not jealous, I am not even sure what he is anymore unless his insecure? Can anyone help me out? He is 25.
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Yo sis, this dude is DEF insecure! No guy who's truly confident and secure in your relationship would act like that. Here's why:
- Getting angry you mentioned hanging w friends is a red flag - he prob feels threatened by other guys.
- Saying your online friends like you and you should go be with them is total manipulation. He's testing you to see if you'll leave for someone else.
- Getting speechless when you called his bluff shows he was just lashing out from jealousy.
Listen, long distance is hard and makes people doubt themselves sometimes. But his behavior is immature and toxic.
My advice would be have an honest talk when you're both calm. Reassure him you care about HIM. But also let him know his jealousy isn't ok and he needs to work on trusting you.
If he can't handle you having guy friends, this prob won't work long term sis. You deserve someone secure enough in your bond together. Keep your eyes open, feel him out and do you!
Thank you for your response! I was going to talk to him about it when he was in a better mindset. I usually do reassure him I only want him and I do love him a lot. I think he is aware of his own insecurities but does not want to tell me. Im pretty open minded, as I am a bit insecure myself but I can control and manage myself which is the difference. Lately if he misses me he will be very affectionate and compliments me a lot, but then after 5 minutes he will go back to being casual. I think he is scared of being rejected or hurt too? Like he is scared of being attached to me in case he does get hurt... hmmm.. I have a lot to discuss with him! It is very unusual behaviour
Ay yo, I feel you sis. Relationships are tough, especially long distance. It's easy for insecurities and doubts to creep in when you're not together all the time.
From what you're saying, it does sound like dude probably has some real attachment issues from his past that make it hard for him to fully open up, even to someone he cares about like you. The hot and cold attitudes, quick to get mad then nice again - that spells out fear of vulnerability to me.
But you know what, good for you for being mature enough to handle your own feels too without lashing out. And even more mad props for being willing to have that talk with him when y'all can really listen. Communication is key, feel me?
I'd just lay it all out - how much you care, that he's got nothing to worry about with those other dudes, but also how his actions make you feel sometimes. Really listen to his side too without judgment. Maybe dawg just needs to know it's safe to drop the tough act with you, ya know?
Keep it real with each other, work on building trust - I think you guys have a real shot if you put in that effort. rooting for ya sis! Keep me posted how the convo goes. You got this.
well, he is very obviously insecure AND jealous. But much MUCH more than that he is acting like a child and trying to make you feel bad for doing nothing wrong instead of just being honest about what he's actually thinking or feeling. Being insecure and jealous are natural parts of being a human. especially one as young and foolish as he is.
It takes an extreme amount of time, thought, reflection, introspection, and contemplation to move past those feelings of jealousy and insecurity and just let things be as they are and be happy about it. most people never get to that point and stay that way forever. Which I don't blame anyone for. It's our nature to behave this way and fighting your nature is an uphill and losing battle.
What I would recommend is trying to talk to him like an adult. Let him know, that despite his claim that he isn't jealous, you know he is. and you also know he is insecure. Explain that you know and understand that it's scary to him that he can't be with you and there are other men who are getting your attention. That you understand it's scary not being able to know if one of them might start worming his way into your heart. and truthfully there's not anything either of you can do about that.
The important thing he needs to think about right now is, does he trust you? does he trust your bond enough to let you have these friendships without worrying about some guy stealing you away from him.
And you need to think about this too. you need to think about how much you like this guy. or maybe even love him. really ask yourself if someone behaving the way he is behaving is something that isn't going to push you away or make other guys who aren't doing that seem more attractive.
It's important to recognize that insecurity in a man is not a sexy or attractive trait and other guys who aren't acting that way are going to seem better, at least in that regard, than those who are. You have to be honest with each other but just as importantly you need to be honest with yourselves.
I know I am not the kind of person to cheat, I want to work things out with him. I know his past and understand why he feels that way. It just doesn't help that I also feel triggered when he also gets upset with my guy friends. We also both came to the terms that we know we will have others who will try and hit on us and there is nothing we can do about it other than trust the other person we won't fall for it, and stay loyal to each other. However I think him pushing me away with his attempts to make himself feel better will make me pull away from him. When I heard him say all those things about me seeing other guys instead of him, I felt very hurt... I truly do love him but it just hurts to see him that way.
The big issue here is trust. Insecurity is the mask of distrust. I don't trust that you love me enough not to leave me for a guy you think is better so i'm going to act like that's an inevitability anyway in order to make it easier on myself to bare it when it happens. All because I don't trust that it won't.
It's an ugly truth. and probably one he doesn't even see yet. our minds have incredible of protecting us from realizing the truth and reality of the situations we find ourselves in. But it is the truth nonetheless.
And yeah. It hurts not being trusted. it's the sharpest blade you'll ever find as it cuts straight to the heart and doesn't bother with anything else.
The thing you'll have to realize is that he most likely is not even aware that he is doing what he is doing. He is most likely unable to fully understand his own emotions and the way he is feeling or why. Most people struggle with that actually. "It gets easier with time" is a true statement but it fails to say why.
as time goes on most people move into and out of many relationships and through those repeated trials we learn how to better understand ourselves and why we feel the way we feel about things. you said the guy is 25 and it shows. you are probably close to being his first girlfriend. maybe 4th or 5th but with the way he's acting i'm not seeing it. He hasn't been through the hard times yet. hasn't had to learn the lessons that come with failed relationships.
So I understand where the guys head is at. I WAS that guy once upon a time
Insecurity and jealousy usually go hand in hand! If he is one then he is mos likely the other too. Ultimately- though, he doesn't trust you! Simple as that!
Thanks for the response!
As for pushing you away? That is a wounded puppy response. He doesn't really want you to see other people, he tells you that to illicit a response that will reaffirm your feelings for him. I still maintain though, he is very insecure and worried he is losing you. The jealous part of it? well as I said go hand in hand!
*Elicit I mean.. not illicit.. sorry.
Thanks so much! I really try so hard to reassure him. He told me to tell him when I am seeing other guy friends because that, in his words, "reassures" him. I didn't think it would but I did and ended up this way. I have no interest in anyone else other than him. He is my favourite person despite his insecurities. Im not sure how else to reassure him...
If you want him to feel safe that he isn't losing you.. consider showing him your question, and then show him the responses. He needs to know how you really feel about him, but he will never fully believe it if just you and he 'talk.'. He needs to see exactly how you are handling his lack of trust, and then he needs to see the advice you're getting, and how you are reacting to it.
I promise you he might be upset at first that you asked about your relationship to complete strangers, but the fact you are just as worried about upsetting him as he is of losing you, he will take great comfort in that!
Thanks for the reassurance! I only asked this question because I realised he was trying to intentionally hurt me back by stating his ex-crush invited him to go out for a dinner, although he reassured me he was only going to go out if friends were there. I felt uneasy and emotional but I realised what he was trying to do. He never admits he is jealous or insecure... maybe I will try and organise how to reassure him better and also show him how I am trying to understand him.
Good idea, but also be careful to protect yourself. I worry that his constant need for validation might come at a price. People who do that once they feel secure tend to lose interest in the relationship.