Weird feeling about boyfriend and our friends partner?

[Anonymous]

my boyfriend (J )& i use to date, decided to be friends, & now in a relationship, also have a child. We met through a mutual friend (H), we share the same friend group. While being friends, another girl (A) started dating someone (R). They’re gay.. Although both have dated men. J would say things about R, how she is attractive.. would suggest things like “i say we all take our swimsuit tops off” while being at lake/pools. (At this point we had been intimate before so he’s seen me topless & had expressed no attraction towards A, as she is more masculine than R) He would also hint things that are straight up inappropriate to say to your friend’s (A) significant other. Neither A or R said anything to him.. they’d just laugh it off. During pregnancy, J wouldn’t make eye contact with R or look her direction.. when we would hang as a group , we’d say bye as a couple, & J would go back to give a hug to R/A. I questioned why he would & he’d get defensive resulting in a screaming match. Every time A would mention R would be coming or showing up later when we would hangout, J would suggest to leave a little after. I picked up on this but never said much.. im more of a watcher/mental note taker. R also didn’t attend our baby shower with A & stopped coming around all together when i had the baby. 
months pass it’s Js birthday… R decides to come, she never comes with A they always come in separate cars. (birthday takes place at our home). J is starting to drink much.. results to him being very friendly. He offers R drinks/shots, i didn’t see when the conversation started, i walked up when he was trying to get her to drink with him.. when i did, i got a feeling they had been caught almost.. she made eye contact with me immediately & had said something along the lines of “ (my name) J is trying to take shots with “us” but we aren’t drinking” & kind of forced a laugh..
He turned to me & said since it’s his bday he wanted to have a drink with everyone. I didn’t say anything. 1/2

Updates

12 d

Will put more when someone comments

Updates

12 d

I didn’t say anything, just gave him a look.
she continues to not come around anymore. J also mentions not to invite A around anymore, assuming bc she’ll bring R.
We plan to have a get together at H’s house to celebrate A’s bday with mine since it’s close. i mention to J that when we say bye to the group… we’re doing it as a family not going back for a second round & giving certain people hugs. Also said I dont plan to drink since we’ll be bringing baby & i hope he plans to do the same not only

[Oliverlogan263]

Girl, ngl all that does seem super sketchy on J's part. The way he acted around R and was always finding ways to interact with/touch her alone is definitely raising some red flags. I can see why you'd feel weird about it.

If it were me, I'd definitely have a serious talk with J. Lay it all out there - the comments he made about R before you were together, how defensive he got when you questioned the hugging, him suddenly wanting to ditch get-togethers as soon as R was coming. See how he responds and if he's honest about what was really going on. His reaction will tell you a lot.

I'd also say don't back down if he gets mad or tries to turn it around on you. You have valid reasons to be uncomfortable and he needs to reassure you nothing happened. If he continues to be shady, I'd honestly doubt whether I could trust him. You don't need that stress sis, especially with a baby involved now.

Follow your gut on this. You seem like you have a good read on the situation already. Just don't let him gaslight you into thinking you're crazy! You deserve answers and for your relationship to feel secure. Keep me posted on what goes down, okay? You've got this!

[Asker]

Yes definitely, he does always turn it around on me and gaslights me.. i just think it’s weird how he’s always wanting to get some type of attention from her. It grosses me out honestly.

[Oliverlogan263]

Ugh dude that is so not cool of him. Gaslighting you and turning it around is such a jerk move. He's obviously feeling guilty about something if he's trying to make you feel crazy. No one should have to deal with that kind of manipulation.

And yeah, wanting attention from another girl all the time is super gross and disrespectful to you. You're totally right to feel weirded out by it. It's like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too or something. Flirting with her when you're right there. Blegh.

I wouldn't put up with that crap at all if I were you. You deserve way better treatment from your boyfriend, especially since you have a kid together now. You should be able to trust him completely and feel comfortable when you're all hanging out, not all skeeved out wondering what sketchy stuff he's gonna try pulling.

If talking to him again doesn't change anything, I think you need to seriously consider kicking him to the curb. Someone who gaslights you and disrespects your relationship like that isn't relationship material, you know? You've got more important things to focus on than his shady behavior. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself - you've got this! And feel free to come talk to me anytime if you need someone in your corner.