The more closer we become with a guy, the more distant he becomes, why?

[Anonymous]

We get closer and closer (he wants that), but as soon we get really close (emotionally and mentally), he gets distant immediately.

then he comes back and the cycle starts again until the next distance…

why? Is it fear of commitment? What to do?

[Oliverlogan263]

Ugh girl I know exactly what you mean! So frustrating when that happens.

With guys it's usually one of two things - fear of intimacy or avoidance of commitment.

Some dudes just get spooked once things start to feel REAL between you. Opening up and sharing feelings is hard for a lot of them.

Others like the excitement of the chase but bail once they feel "caught". Commitment becomes too much responsibility.

Either way it's totally a them thing, not a you thing! Some tips:

- Don't chase him or beg for answers when he starts pulling away. Let HIM come to YOU for a change.

- Suggest low commitment casual dates instead of emotionally heavy hangs. Ease that intimacy level down.

- Back off sharing super personal stuff right away. Go slower with opening your heart.

- Keep yourself busy with your girls and hobbies too when he's being distant. Don't act available 24/7.

With patience and setting boundaries, maybe he'll learn to meet you halfway sis. But don't settle for hot/cold - you deserve consistent effort!

[Anonymous]

No, it's just a habit. He isn't thinking. Just bring it up to him and tell he keeps doing that and to work on catching it.

[Asker]

What do you mean exactly? I mean we can get really close and suddenly he becomes quiet during one month.. then he comes back and so on.. each time a bit closer but also more distant after..

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah it's a habit. He isn't thinking. He has to manually think differently if he wants to change it. He comes back once he needs that whole in his heart filled but it's complete unconscious. He can't tell you why he is doing it and might not even know he's doing it. You leaving him and telling him why would probably fix it for the next girl but that wouldn't benefit you. Just tell him and make him aware of what he is doing and that it's not okay. He living on autopilot. Talk to him about it. I don't think he is afraid but who knows he might be. I can only tell you what I know from my life.

[Asker]

Very interesting.. so you mean it’s not conscious.
I already tried to tell him (but it was by message). I clearly described his’behavior asking « do you think it’s normal we spend full days together and then you disappear for 1 month without explanation? That is nonsense. » he didn’t answer…. but then he comes back like a little boy like nothing happened. And that’s my fault because I let him come back like a flower…

[Asker]

And I really think he is sabotaging our « relationship ». He always find excuses not to see each other when it starts to get really close.

So I kept a lot for myself until last time we met.. we were invited to the same place at friends place.
I asked him to accompany myself home as my street was already completely in the dark ( he s living 500meters from my home lol…). And he refused !! (He has always done that before from long distances without me asking so I just understand that he feared facing me because he knew we had a conversation to have from last time). I mean it was my safety and he had no excuse.

I literally exploded. I told him he was egocentric and I refused to say goodbye to him. I was really mad.

[Asker]

Then he seemed to feel shameful and tried to come sitting next to me after that.

But I ignored him. It’s been almost one month…

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah he is self-sabotaging. It may be more of an emotional thing. If you tell him he is doing it and it needs to stop and he still does it then that means it's not easy to stop. The only things that are not easy to stop are emotional things. If so, he may need to face something or go to therapy. It's rather sad because it sounds like he'd be great for you if not for this one flaw.

[Asker]

Yes exactly…so what should I do? I was always here for him but now I suddenly and abruptly closed the door. He knows he has a decision to make

[Anonymous]

It’s not meant to be.