I'm at a loss and don't know how to read signals if any?

[Anonymous]

I've taken some time off of seeing anybody especially after this last experience with a guy and well I finally am trying to start seeing this new guy after months and right now it's really only as a hook up and also because I don't think I can fully commit to something. Well we have hung out a few times and have had sex twice. But this last time, what would be a reason for him to want to cuddle and like rest his head on my shoulder but like no other physical contact. Maybe I'm just used to the last guy cause we always held hands and stuff too. But this last time we hung out, after we had sex I had to leave for classes and he had work so as I was leaving we were hugging and my hug was very loose and I don't know why but he started squeezing me tighter and then I got a kiss goodbye and a drive safe.

Now my concern, that also makes me a little sad because we talked a lot before doing anything, like we went for a drive and he said he was super excited and that I was very pretty and kissed my hand and everything. But now he keeps reading my messages and not responding or he'll respond after I like send him a snap after like 5+ hours of being left on seen or opened. I know he has work and I'm not downplaying that but like I asked if we could get dinner and he said no because he was going to play pool at the bar. Now maybe it's immaturity but I'm 19, gonna be 20 in a few months and he just turned 25. He already told me he doesn't talk to multiple chicks but I just worry in a way because I don't want to embarrass myself and if he lost interest and is already seeing someone else and I guess. I think that'd just be really awkward. what would cause him to exhibit behavior like this though? Other than could he be loosing interest or like is he busy?

[SteveSmith1985]

So the problem here, is that you two didn't specify what exactly you two were going to be, during that long talk in the car.

This is confusing from the start, because you don't know under what conditions you're seeing and sleeping with the guy. You know he only sees one girl at a time... how? Does that then imply that you two are in an exclusive relationship now? In other words, are you the only girl he's talking to, until you're told otherwise? (in other words... is this guy your boyfriend?)

The head on your shoulder and hug are signs of affection, the lack of hand holding and whatnot is a matter of style. But it did seem odd that you said "and no other other physical contact" (but I might just be reading too much into that)

It depends on how much you're finding him not responding to your messages. The snaps 5 hours later is not concerning. As you said the dude's working, and sometimes that means he can't get back to you.

The blowing you off for dinner to go play pool is huge though. That's... significant. You can't say that to a girl you're seeing. That's definitely a "casual" friends with benefits type thing for a guy to do. Even the dumbest guy knows that any girl who he's trying to get with.

It's not acceptable to do to a girl you're dating exclusively; or dating prior to being exclusive; it's unacceptable to a girl you're 'talking to;' its especially unacceptable to do to a girl you're sleeping with. Unless she is a friend with benefits. Then it actually is perfectly fine.

The fact that he felt free to say he would prefer to go play pool rather than have dinner with you; is telling. That is impossible if he is on the same page as you are.

You need to have a conversation with him about what you're both hoping this is going to turn into. You may not be on the same page about what this is.

You need to find out. If you're sleeping with the guy, it's a fair question. You deserve to know the intentions of a guy you're sleeping with.

If he thinks you two are friends with benefits, while you're wondering why this road to a long-term relationship seems to be bumpier than expected... that's a problem. You at least need to know that before you keep sleeping with him. (in my opinion, obviously)

🙂

[Asker]

I do think it is very up in the air for sure. As for seeing other people, he said he doesn't do that, like I had previously mentioned, but doesn't mean that hasn't happened before in the past, like we are all human and what not.
But he also said he wouldn't do that to me either. He also said that he hopes he's the only person that I see or do anything with so there is that.
The other physical contact, like we cuddled and such and usually I'd try and hold hands or something but we kind of just sat there and talked and yeah like his head on my shoulder and what not. I kinda looped my arm around his and he didn't seem to mind but I think it's just maybe a comfortability thing and I think me subconsciously comparing him to another person doesn't help either. I did just remember he like rubbed by back and such when we cuddled, so that is probably more of a matter of style I imagine. Same with offering for me to spend the night at his place. For a little bit he was worried I'd bail on him and maybe that has something to do with it too?
I usually am not to worried about his lack of responses cause he has apologized for it before but it almost just seems deliberate all the sudden and I guess as silly as it sounds that's why I'm wondering if it's lack of interest and such.
Being blown off for pool was definitely a low blow but we had texted most of that night and he told me when he was leaving and such and so he kind of kept me updated.
I do agree, I definitely jumped the gun on it and if we are both on the same page, that would make it wayyyy easier just so I can control my emotions and what not. Plus it's unfair for both parties to be blind sighted by something and I just am so confused why I'm so caught up on thinking about it.
Thank you for your input I really appreciate it and apologies for the rant and such 😅

[SteveSmith1985]

No don't apologize for ranting. Detail is good.

So I think that you're comparing the physical contact to someone else. And I think you're right it's a comfort thing. I don't think that means anything bad.

I do think that if you're feeling like it's maybe deliberate, that you're probably not overreacting to worry. I don't know how long you've been seeing each other?

So it sounds like you half-talked about being exclusive. But didn't really talk about what you were both looking for. Usually, people will see each other, and become "exclusive" when they enter into a relationship.

Usually "being exclusive" is the same thing as "being boyfriend and girlfriend."

SO you guys are in a really odd situation. You're sleeping with him, he tells you he's not seeing other people, and hopes you aren't either. But neither of you seem to believe that you're in a relationship. So I guess you're at a strange talking-phase (dating but not actually a couple. No commitments have settled).

So you're exclusive (you think) but he's not acting like a guy who is in a relationship with you. Or even in a pre-relationship with you. I'm sorry, but that pool thing is crazy. That's crazy. Any of his buddies at the bar would think he was an idiot if he told them a girl he was dating asked him to go to dinner, but he chose to come out and play pool.

You being caught up thinking about this makes perfect sense. You did this in a weird order that leaves you open to being hurt. It's not fair mostly to one party. Usually one person is content with something casual, while the other person wants something more. It's only the person wanting something more who it's really unfair to. (If your hopes are misplaced).

[SteveSmith1985]

I think you need to have a conversation with him. If he's trying to pull away, then force his hand and make him say so.

If he's not intending to, then he needs to know that you're feeling this way. But also, you two need to have a real conversation about what kind of relationship you want. Whether each of you agrees to be exclusive, and whether you both want the same thing if this works out (long-term relationship I assume)

You are going to have to talk to him.

If you don't then you're going to be worrying and wondering what's going on with him.

I would suggest not sleep with him again, before getting that cleared up. For your own emotional well-being.

[Asker]

Yeah we half talked semi about it all, like being exclusive and such. But nothing to an extreme of what either of us wants and that does make it a little tough because right now it's leaning on casual, which is fine, but I feel like don't add signs of affection kind of deal, it throws my whole rocker off 😂
he actually did respond today though cause I asked him for help, he said no and that is completely fair given the context of what I had asked but it also just a way to gauge if he would respond but since then it's going on 6 hours now, he's at a bar but he hasn't seen my message but he has been active 😪
I don't mean to take tabs but man it sucks from him showing interest and everything to like nothing and it's always when things are going good, and granted it is only Saturday and we saw each other on Monday but it feels like forever ago and I don't know it is just something I cannot stop thinking about. Life is busy, he's working and moving but I don't know its weird constant back and forth trips and just all the sudden lack of response is ass.
As of right now yeah doing anything is off the table until we can talk and get like an agreement of the sort going haha
Figure it all out and go rom there, and thank you again, I really appreciate your help

[SteveSmith1985]

I don't count that as keeping tabs. You're in a tough spot. I don't think you were being inappropriate.

I'm not saying that he is for sure thinking casual. Just that he is seems to be.

You do need to figure out what's going on with you two. It's not fair to you to be stuck not knowing. His lack of response is ass. I don't blame you for being frustrated.

I hope you do talk and get yourself on firm footing. Also, don't settle for less. I don't think you want casual. You like this guy. Don't settle for casual if that's not what you want. You're better to not see him anymore, than to agree to something casual. You have feelings for him. He should feel the same way; or you should move on. Don't be friends with benefits with a guy you have feelings for. It's a good way to get hurt.

Good luck

[Asker]

That is very true and no I didn't particularly want really anything its just like I don't get why I like the dude and such, but yeah his response is very ass, or lack there of lol. I know I really would be fine with casual if he was also on terms with it and we as I've said make an agreement 😅
Thank you once again, I do really appreciate it!

[SteveSmith1985]

Just be careful about agreeing to casual, considering how much you like this guy. Just because you don't understand why you like someone so much, doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. If you care about someone more than the nature of your relationship (if you have feelings for someone, but only a casual relationship), that's asking to get hurt.

I'm not trying to tell you what you want. I couldn't possibly know. It just seems to me like your feelings are stronger than they should be for something casual. I'm just urging you to be careful, and make sure your honest with yourself about your feelings, and what you want.

As you said, the agreement part is most important. Getting on the same page.

Good luck!

🙂

[Asker]

That is very true! I guess the heart knows before the mind haha, I really do appreciate all your help and everything. Thank you very much and yes hopefully it turns out with some sort of answer in the end lol 😊

[SteveSmith1985]

No worries, I'm happy to give you my 2-cents. You seem like a nice girl, and it sucks that you don't know what's going on. I hope things work out, and that you end up both wanting something real. If not, don't settle for less. Walk away. 🙂

[Asker]

I appreciate it, you just gotta love people anymore lol and whatever happens, happens at this point, hopefully it does work out, whether it be good or bad. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he was using you. Chances are he was seeing someone else at the same time. Maybe a little older. Someone who is old enough to go to clubs, bars, etc. Might just be that you’re the girl who isn’t old enough to go to clubs, drinking, so he comes to you when he just wants to be home, relax, do nothing really. I get yes you can probably enter some clubs that are 18 and over, but legally you can’t drink.
I think too you’re looking into this too much. You said you two hooked up, so it’s just an friends with benefits. So asking him to get together to have dinner to me as a man would go beyond what I’m there for.

[Asker]

Yeah that could be the case and as for me asking for dinner it was kind of a way to get out of the house lol but it defitely does suck because I am fine doing casual like I have had no feelings and I just don't understand why It's just what I think about it. That is why I was on board with the whole just hooking up kind of deal. I just don't get why people gotta be so affectionate and I think that's where I get confused too because in order to not get attached, it would make sense just to have sex and leave. Not hug, squeeze, cuddle, massage the other person. I'm sorry for ranting but I definitely do like this explanation because you give that outside standpoint and your blunt with it and what not, thank you!

[Opinion Owner]

First of all no need to apologize. I understand what you mean as far as the emotions. I think it would confuse me some as well if I didn’t know better. To have someone who’s hugging me when it’s supposed to be an friends with benefits would confuse me as well. So I get it. May I ask why you’re only looking for this as opposed to an actual relationship?

[Asker]

I guess just fear of being cheated on when having like a full blown relationship. It would make me I guess dwell on it less, just speaking from experience you know?

[Opinion Owner]

I see. So your ex cheated on you? How long did that relationship last?

[Asker]

Um that relationship lasted 4 months. And in general I've only ever had 3 total relationships. Before this guy I was seeing a guy and for 4 months it was like we were together but on valentines day he up and chose another gal. So I'm trying to open up with this guy but he's been seemingly ignoring me and I don't know what to do because I figure at this point there is someone else but why keep me around at that point.

[Opinion Owner]

I’m sorry to hear that. Hopefully things work out for you. It does take years sometimes to meet someone. But once you do all the pain you’ve been through to find that person was worth it. I don’t blame you for how you feel right now.

[Asker]

At least the previous guy took time to explain and we occasionally talk but yeah it is really hard trying to hold out hope for anything, especially because I wasn't expecting to get so worked up over this stinking guy. But you are 100% right, eventually someone will come along and nothing should be forced or rushed. I appreciate that and thank you for your responses.

[Opinion Owner]

Have you thought about maybe dating an older man? Just an option. Not sure if you’d be open to that. You’re welcome by the way

[Asker]

I mean the dude before this was 23 and this current guy just turned 25. I'm 19, going to be 20 but that's where I'll stop it cause its like they mature backwards

[LiamS95]

It sounds to me like you're more mature and more ready for a relationship at 19 then he is for either at 25. I think you sound like a special catch for the right guy.

[Asker]

Yeah I hope that's the case, I just don't know how to pick em 😪It just stinks when your brain or heart or whatever betrays you because I have no idea why I'm getting so worked up over him, and It feels like nonstop I'm thinking about him in some way shape or form.😂

[LiamS95]

Qell that's because for whatever reason you're very attracted to him but I think it's time to consider dumping him and looking for a guy that you can actually have a quality relationship with.

[Asker]

Yeah I'm not sure how or why cause when we talked about doing what we were doing I only saw him as a friend and kind of just picked the faults, which is kind of an asshole move but it's like I keep telling myself too that we have different view points on specific things and everything and like he isn't all that but I think a apart of me is just longing for a different guy that I just want back so any form of similarity I guess I might want to hold onto? If that makes sense, I had like an epiphany about it 😂

[In_Trance]

I think you need to take more time off and focus on yourself particularly on your confidence in your own abilities.
You're not emotionally mature enough for a relationship

[Asker]

I do see that and plus like I've mentioned it's totally unfair to compare him to someone else, especially when both are their own individual people.
Thank you!

[nicfire171]

In my opinion if I’m into a girl I do everything I can to respond as much as I can.

[Asker]

You think work would have anything to do with it? Like he has apologized before about not responding and or being left on opened and such but maybe I'm thinking to much into it. I'm gonna time it I think and see if he'll respond at all today, I feel like that in itself already sounds bad, but I wanna give benefit of the doubt and say it is because of work 😅

[nicfire171]

Well I get that. What does he do for work?

[Asker]

He works automotive, with like farming equipment and like tires and such. But he has times where they go back to the shop kind of deal.

[nicfire171]

Oh well you can dm me and we can talk more about it if you want

[Asker]

Yeah that would not be bad idea at at!

[spartan55]

You're giving a guy free sex and you are worried about embarrassing yourself? 😂😂😂 Yeah that makes sense. 🙄

[Asker]

Embarrassing myself if their is another person involved lmao, the free sex I could care less about but it just seems silly to talk to this guy and flirt and such if he's doing that to another lol. It's weird 😂

[spartan55]

YOU AGREED TO A SITUATIONSHIP. You understand what that means, right? I'll never understand why girls agree to be a part of friends with benefits/situationship whatever you want call it. It's fundamentally based on disrespect, and the fact that the other person thinks you are only worth free sex.

[spartan55]

Look, I get that you kind of fell into this, but this why you sort the type of relationship you have BEFORE you have sex (which inevitably brings feelings into it)

[Asker]

Yes I understand that, I am completely fine with it because hey you know I want sex just as much as the next, but I figured I'd be fine because I had like no interest in this guy other then friends, I just hate how I'm constantly thinking about it. Like to me casual should just be hang out a little, sex, then like leave. Not cuddling, hugging, holding hands, getting food (My fault I even offered that), but like I feel like it shouldn't have any sort of affection towards it. If it was just sex and I got on my merry way I would be fine, you know? It's just a stupid dumb situation and I appreciate your honesty and not sugar coating anything, it is very much appreciated 😊

[spartan55]

You're welcone. I steer clear of the whole casual sex thing because its inevitable that someone gets hurt. I can't have sex and not kiss, cuddle, hold hands etc.

[Asker]

Yeah it is definitely tough, because we didn't sort it all out before hand and trust me I want to do all the kissing and hugging but it stinks when it's only dumbed down for being casual because someone in the end does get hurt. I gotta really take that advice and stay away from the whole casual sex thing and stuff. Is something that is unlabeled still considered casual/friends with benefits? Now thinking about it, or i guess it would all depend if it's exclusive vs inclusive...😅
Anyways thank you for your help!

[spartan55]

I use the umbrella term of free sex for casual, friends with benefits, situationship, whatever. Something unlabelled is 100% free sex. Why? For one it gives one person (or both) plausible deniability. Ie. "hey we aren't in a committed relationship, I can fuck whoever I want" Second, it indicates that person just isn't that into you. Good enough to hang out with and fuck? Sure. Any other SO benefits? Nope.

[spartan55]

Also, if you are exclusive then you are in a committed relationship. There is no wiggling out of that.

[Asker]

That is very true, you got to love people nowadays. I like that though, it's like a reminder to value more of yourself, so I am going to save that, thank you!

[spartan55]

You are quite welcome! Best of luck young lady.

[Asker]

Thank you!😊