Boyfriend lied to me about smoking for 8 months in the relationship... What do I do?

Question

So I just found out that my boyfriend of 10 months has been secretly smoking behind my back for 8 months because he knew I hated it. Smoking is a deal breaker for me. My dad died of a lung disease, my ex and I broke up and that was a huge issue that we always fought about, and I have asthma. He is really sorry and wants to quit. However the fact that he lied to me is a big issue. For the majority of our relationship there was a lie. He said that he lied because he didn't want to lose me and he tried to quit but couldn't because his work is really stressful. He wants to try again to quit but wants me to be supportive and I do not know how to do that... it makes me feel sick every time I know he smokes. It hurts me so much that he lied and I feel like the trust it took so hard for me to have with him is broken and I do not know how it can be fixed. I would love opinions on what actions I should take please.

CatholicVirginia · Accepted Answer

Don't give me the excuse, "He couldn't quit because work is really stressful." Bull. Shit. Quitting is NEVER going to be a walk in the park. What you REALLY mean is, "He couldn't quit because he didn't want to. He wanted the 'fix' that a cigarette gives him, and cites work as one reason [which I am sure it is. But he was NOT helpless]."

It also bothers me that he doesn't seem to be taking responsibility for his actions. "I smoked... BUT" are the answers you're giving us. BUT it's hard to quit. BUT he loves you. BUT he's tried. That's a pet peeve of mine, honestly. You smoked. Period. Own up to it like a man and DO something about it. Don't offer me excuses for you to hide behind.

Honestly... he did lie to you. Purposely. For a LONG time. That's not okay in my book. Then again, what *I* think is irrelevant. My question to you is: could you ever trust him again? He betrayed your trust, on an issue that he knew was important to you. He says it was out of love, but how can lying about actions that hurt you truly be out of love? What it was was manipulation. Can you trust him not to do that again? And I mean absolutely trust him, no questions asked. If the answer is yes, then sure, look back into getting back together with him and I do wish you the best of luck. But if no... I don't think the relationship would last.

Auraann · Accepted Answer

Shouldn't of dated a smoker if you don't  like them. My ex did drugs , told me he had stopped but did it behind my back for about a year till I noticed . We had dated for 4 years, I dumped him. I did not want to be with some one who could lie to me easily . Sketchy

Catvshuman · Accepted Answer

You have some really good reasons to hate smoking, and that is a big deal. I'm blunt so sorry if this sounds harsh but it seems he's choosing cigarettes over you. OY deserve someone who will make sacrifices for you and you do the same. Be strong hope this helps

brandonlee12 · Accepted Answer

If he really wants to quit and doesn't want too loose you, and you find someone smoking is a real big turnoff too you. then I would suggest you give him a time line to give up or the relationship is over! basically the smokes or me?

I think giving this ultimatum is good plan of action, because you respecting yourself and your beliefs, but at the same time you won't allow him to walk all over you, its was bad enough him lying to you. so if he respects you and your wishes, and really doesn't want to loose you, he will have too give up the smoking. THERE IS NO EASY TO GIVE UP SMOKING, AND THERE IS NEVER A GOOD TIME TOO GIVE UP SMOKING. SMOKERS WILL ALWAYS FIND EXCUSES TO CARRY ON SMOKING.

but if you gives this ultimatum, you have follow through with it. good luck

6Paul11 · Accepted Answer

Think about a few things before making a decision.

1. What would your relationship be like if you hadn't found out?

2. There is more to a person than the fact that they like cigarettes. You can be a loyal, caring, and dedicated person and still smoke.

3. Consider a compromise. Maybe as long as he kept his cigarette habit away from you, the two of you could still go out. You liked him before you found out, why should it be any different now?

I think people should be free to make their own choices. You don't have to go out with him, but he is a person that deserves consideration. Have a serous talk with him and try to work out a solution before you just cast him aside.

madhatters4 · Answer

being a former smoker i think you could potentially give him another chance. but that chance comes with strings. understand that quitting can be REALLY hard. like it isn't something that turns off over night. so if you really like him and think if he could quit he's someone you want to be with you'll have to know that quitting is a process that takes time and sometimes involves falling back to habits at times.

if you can't be with someone who smokes then you'll have to break up. but if you are willing to work with someone who is trying to quit give him that chance. work with him to help him quit but know that he may slip.

susie22 · Answer

Smoking is a deal breaker for me too, but how did it go for so long? I can notice smoke residue on a person's clothes or in their car, but maybe I'm just a bit more sensitive to it. I think it's a filthy habit, not to mention dangerous to a person's health. I know people who have quit after smoking since their teens, it's not easy but the person needs to WANT to quit, and it seems like he's more inclined to lie and make excuses than to actually quit. Sad to say, but I think it's time to have a serious discussion and explain your feelings to him, if he's worthy of you and wants to be with you, he will quit, but if you feel that strongly about it and he won't quit, maybe he's not the guy for you.

BlackBeauty90 · Answer

@AliceMcKay I assume you KNEW he smoked BEFORE you got involved so WHY did you get involved with him if you did.

You're like someone who knows a guy is a cheater, gets involved with the cheater, and cries when you're cheated on.

Do the guy a BIG favour and break up. Because the fact that you don't know how to be supportive means you are NOT meant to be in a relationship. PERIOD. And don't get involved with men until you figure out how to think about others and not just yourself.

nobody21 · Answer

I'm the same- would never go out with a smoker.

You are in an awful situation- the guy you like has not only lied but betrayed you. So I would say leave him...but it's not that easy as you have been together almost a year.

Chat to him, let him know how it made you feel. He needs to know he did wrong and can't do it again.

StarcrossedLover · Answer

It is extraordinarily difficult to stop smoking, even if it hurts the people you love. Please help him through this. Talk to him, buy him packs of gum to chew on, buy him nicotine patches- anything! But whatever you do, do not leave him. He was so afraid of you leaving him that he risked hiding this terrible habit from you, even though he needed your help in order to quit.

swaggyperson · Answer

Well I would dump him... If he lied to you for something for so long he will probably  do it again...Do you want to waste your time with him considering you CAN'T STAND smoking? If you think he is a serious boyfriend that can be with you forever think about if you want the smell of cigarettes all the time for the rest of your life and if the realtionship is not that serious well ...don't even think about it and leave him. I know it sound hard but its the right thing to do in my opinion.

Likes2drive · Answer

It’s quite an addiction from what I’ve heard so that’s probably why he lied but I’m surprised you didn’t notice it on his breath while kissing him because it’s usually disgusting because of that. That’s probably the only thing he’s lied about because of that addiction and it’s going to take a lot for him to quit if he’s thinking that it takes away stress because it doesn’t really do that at all. It’s just increases your heart rate. I could never date a smoker either they would have to quit.

Billlewis · Answer

I think you should give him a break, because nicotine is one of the most addictive substances on earth. Try to get him to start vaping or using those flavored nicotine pouches that you put in your mouth to keep from smoking.

midozak · Answer

Talk to him and try to encourage him. Use positive reinforcement. Quitting can be really difficult and you have to understand this. He clearly does't want to loose you but the cigarette is controlling him.

AviatorTom · Answer

If you care about him. help him quit smoking. The fact that he smoked away from you is proof that he knows you don't like it, and he probably wishes he could stop, but it's an addiction. Get him help... and support his efforts to stop smoking.

AnoAnon57785 · Answer

He was considerate enough to "hide" it from you for almost a year. Which would be extremely difficult to do since smoke lingers & stinks. Considerate enough to not do it in your presence or around you.

G, what a terrible guy.

Anemone978 · Answer

Dump him, simple.. if he is gonna lie about this what else he gonna lie about. If you are not gonna dump him then speak about it and work something out..

OlderAndWiser · Answer

He lied because it was convenient and made his life easier. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you know will lie to you?

Apekss · Answer

Same thing happened to me and was on Google to read about these things and reached here. We were together for two years I felt something was wrong and I couldn't trust him for some reason I thought it was about a girl. He confessed he had been smoking from a year and couldn't tell me because he felt he'd lose me. I'm scared to trust him again. It's so painful because I love him so so much and I'm not able to see my life without him.

DodgersGM · Answer

Lying to you about a known deal-breaker for eight months is kind of a big deal. Frankly, I wouldn't blame you if you dumped him.

May1787 · Answer

He lied. Period. If he’d lie about that he would definitely lie about something with even greater risks.

Reem12345reem · Answer

don't expect an addict to change until they heal themselves , he can't change for u even if he had to lose u bc it's literally an addiction , he'll just find better ways to hide it from u

RedSmartie · Answer

People never really quit smoking forever.  It's like dieting, it lasts for a while and then they go right back.

Anonymous · Answer

well you should just tell him how it sucks that he lied to you, but obviously if you're so against I can see why he kept it from you. but you shouldn't get mad at him for smoking, its a hard habit to break but it isn't some sign of a personality flaw. you can see he cares about what you think if he kept it from you

belle_kai · Answer

How did you not know that before? I feel like I would know. You can't hide it! Lol

Anonymous · Answer

How could he have been secretly smoking behind your back for 8 months? I mean, couldn't you smell it on him?

Anonymous · Answer

If you really love him then smoking shouldn't be even an issue. As for the lying part had you pushed him to cut smoking saying something like "it's me or the cigarettes?

Anonymous · Answer

If it's a problem for you, then obviously confront him about it.

Anonymous · Answer

My aunt has been smoking behind my uncles back for 22 years. It's horrible and his pet peeve.

chicken_nugget24 · Answer

Did ya break up in the end?

hanff · Answer

Support him to stop this Bad habit

Anonymous · Answer

Just be glad it wasn't heroin.

Anonymous · Answer

Weed or cigarettes?

Boyfriend lied to me about smoking for 8 months in the relationship... What do I do?

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