Some years ago, some people suggested I probably had bpd but I never got an official diagnose until after new years, when I had the worst episode I’ve had in my life. So, for the past 2 months, I’ve been trying really hard to understand myself. I’ve read that the pros have to say, what other people with the same diagnose think, etc. That made me realize we’re all different. Not everyone has all the symptoms and not everyone shows the same intensity.
So, in an effort to understand myself and to help whoever reads this to understand a bit more about bdp, here you have the symptoms explained in the DSM (I think it’s in the IV one. I don’t know what’s the deal with the versions but I know there’s a lot of controversy with the last one or something), and by me… also I don’t have many people to talk to because all my friends got sick of me months ago, so I wanna share this with the internet. I know no one will read the whole thing because why would you want to? But whatever:
(1) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
I’m currently single, but in my last relationship. I would try to text my girlfriend all day if possible. Why? I needed her to reassure me she loved me all day long. I needed to know she wanted to talk to me, that she missed me and that she wouldn’t leave me. I often wanted to ask if she loved me but I almost never did because I kept telling myself the answer was gonna be NO, which scared me to death. If I texted a friend and they took more than 5 minutes to reply, it was because they hated me and were probably even trying to find a way to cut me out of their lives. Feeling this is awful because there’s a rational part of you that knows it’s all in your head but you still can’t help feeling this way and it’s exhausting. This past year, the feeling that I could identify the most with was desperation because of this. It’s seriously so fucking desperating sometimes you feel like you can’t even breathe properly.
Oh boy, there are so many stories I could tell…
(2) A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
Usually, the person I love the most in the world is my sister. I have her initials tattooed on my hip because I’ve always adored her… but at the same time I’ve always hated her. When I was younger I told her she should’ve died instead of our parents (I won’t talk about the last part in this Mytake) because she disagreed with me on a really dumb thing. Yes. That’s how extreme it can be. I can treat you like a goddess because you’re my favorite person but do something little that will piss me off and I’ll want to cut you out of my life. Our whole relationship was a lie. You're shit and you probably hate me because I'm even shittier.
(3) Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self
Remember when you were 12 or 13 and weren’t sure of what you wanted to do with your life? You didn’t know what to major in and your goals kept on changing? That’s how it still is for me, except it’s 50 times worse. Today I might want to be a professional hockey player. Next week I’ll realize my passion in life is to be a psych. A semester later I’ll get tired of that and understand I was born to be a lawyer. Two days later I’ll hear someone saying they’re a doctor and suddenly that’s what I wanna study. (True story. This all happened) And it’s not just about my career. That’s how my entire life is. That’s how I feel about my personality and the kind of person I want to be or think I am.
Fortunately, this symptom doesn’t seem to be as intense as it is for others (at least from what I’ve read…
(4) Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
"Think before you act" what? what does that even mean!?. Sometimes I just do things without even thinking. Sometimes I do think but I don't care at all so I do the thing anyways.
I’ve always engaged in casual sex but it’s not the fun one night stands some people seem to have. I identify myself as a lesbian but I’ve had sex with countless guys. Why? I don’t know. Sometimesit feels like self harm (both physically and emotionally). Sometimes I’m just bored orangry or sad and having sex with a random person sounds like the best idea. And technically, I've gotten involved in prostitution.
When it comes to substance abuse, I’ve tried several drugs multiple times, which got me in trouble but not as much as alcohol. I once drank so much the cops woke me up the next morning because I was sleeping next to some road I’d never been in, far from my place and from when I’d been partying. I still don’t know what happened that night or how I ended up there.
I don’t drive and my relationship with food is complicated and I still don’t understand it but I don’t binge eat either.
(5) Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
I’ve self harmed since I was a pre-teen. I discovered it on my own and didn’t stop until I turned 16. After that I stopped for almost 2 years and then relapsed. I won’t go into details but I do it in many ways and it’s not hard for me to find new ones.
I’ve thought and think about suicide almost on a daily basis and have attempted twice. The second time was in December and what triggered it? Feeling what #1 explains. I won’t go into details here but I’m finally ready to talk about it so feel free to ask questions (I still won’t go into details because I know I will get judged but I can explain a bit more).
(6) Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
This symptom makes me feel so fucking stupid… (they all do but this one takes the crown). It doesn’t take much for me to “go crazy”. A couple of weeks ago I dropped a glass and cried for over an hour because it shattered. That same night I got inspired and felt amazing. I was a new person, life was beautiful, I loved everyone, I was ready to fix my life (obviously, that didn’t last long either).
I think this used to happen a lot more when I was in high school than now but I might be wrong.
(7) Chronic feelings of emptiness
I don’t know how else to explain this other than yes… emptiness feels empty lmao. It’s not sadness, it’s not anger… it’s emptiness. It kind of boredom but not exactly the same? Sometimes I literally feel emptiness in my body. It becomes physical and it’s the strangest feeling ever because I know there’s something missing but I don’t know what. I can try to fill that space in lots of different ways but nothing helps, which makes me anxiety.
(8) Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
I’ve only gotten in one physical fight in my life and it wasn’t that bad because we were young and got separated, but I do get extremely angry very easily. I’ve always been this way and when I say it’s very easy, I mean it. I can be on the bus and a person can walk by and accidentally touch it and that makes me so damn angry I hope a car runs over them once they get off the bus or something. I know this makes me look like an awful person but honestly, most of the times I get angry, its because I'm angry at myself and not others. If I get mad at people at the bus, it's because I'm angry at myself and that's the cherry on top. Sometimes I don’t know how to deal with that (which brings us back to what happened in December. That was a very complicated episode) and end up making things way worse by doing some of the things I’ve mentioned through this Take.
(9) Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
I’m not sure of how to explain this either. I remember the first time I noticed it happening: I was around 13, feeling awful because I knew I was gonna fail several of the miderm exams I’d taken, because I’d “lost my virginity” and still felt guilty and scared, because I was having lots family issues, etc. I doing something in art class and a friend jokingly made fun of my craft. At first, lots of things went through my mind. I hated the girl for doing that, and told myself to never talk to her again, I hated myself for being so useless I couldn’t even do a dumb craft right, I hated my life for failing everything, etc. After a few minutes I noticed everything around me felt weird. It was like I wasn’t really there. Everything felt like distant, like I was watching a movie instead of living my life. I was there but at the same time I wasn’t. It’s like you’re in a place and you can do stuff but your senses, emotions, etc are “disconnected” and the world doesn’t even feel real. Nothing feels real. BUT I've only felt this twice in my life. I don't wanna talk about the other incident because that one involves really ugly memories but those are literally the only times this has happened to me. (And honestly, I'm not even 100% sure that counts as disassociation)
If anyone read the whole thing (which I doubt but it still feels good to put this out), and still wants to know more (again, I doubt it), feel free to ask.
Disclaimer: this isn't any kind of professional article. I haven't studied this or anything. It's literally just me trying to understand why I feel the way I feel and venting.
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