Well, congratulations. One of the 350 million people in the world has let you know that they are depressed. You're overcome with surprise. You don't know what to say with this situation presented to you.
Even though this is the last thing you want to find out from a loved one, this person is providing you a key. They are letting you in. They are letting you know what they really feel inside. They want you to help them. Take this information seriously.
What you say next is crucial. It can lead you to letting you in more, or shutting the door. Of course, like many people who receive this key, you are overwhelmed with emotion, and some of the things you say may not be so helpful.
As a person who suffers with depressive episodes, I've had my fair share of statements that people have said that don't come off as helpful. In fact, some of these things said to me were rather hurtful and have made me feel worse. I thought I would share some of these statements with you so that you understand not to ever say these things to a depressed individual in your life. The last thing you should want to do is hurt them even more when they are already in pain.
Note: Now, I know someone's going to say "But I have freedom of speech Rainbow hurr durr derp". I'm not telling you that you don't have the right to say these things. I am simply telling you why it's wrong and can do even more harm to someone who has depression. Don't get it twisted.
“You’re just looking for attention.”
Unfortunately, there are people out who fake mental illness for attention, but you should not automatically dismiss a supposedly depressed person as wanting attention. The last thing a truly depressed person wants is negative attention caused by someone devaluing their problems as fake or made up. This is one of the biggest reasons why so many people try to hide their problems in the first place, because one, they feel like nobody will care and that they are a burden to people, and two, because they will feel guilty for wanting some sort of comfort from the people around them.
Also, what's wrong with wanting some sort of attention? Anybody can use a hug if they’re having a rough time. A hug, or a genuine “I’m here for you” can make the entire day of someone who is depressed. Don't make them afraid to come to someone about this because you claim they "want attention".
“There are so many people who have it worse than you and you don’t see them complaining.”
Of course, there’s always someone out there that is far worse off but...is this supposed to make them feel better? It doesn’t help, and in fact, it can make a truly depressed person feel worse, and can cause them to bottle up feelings. Bottling things up is not good. Think of it like a balloon: The more you fill it, the bigger it gets.
It gets to a point where it’s on the brink of popping, and then…
Boom!
You snap. Don’t let it get to that point by downplaying their problems and making them feel like they’re insignificant, or that they don't have a right to talk about their problems because people out there have it worse. It does not negate their right to feel depressed. Just because someone else has problems will not make theirs disappear. You wouldn’t tell a happy person that they aren’t allowed to be happy because someone has it better, so why say the opposite?
“Cheer up.”
Oh, I’m sorry, let me just turn my depression off...
It does not work like that. That smile you saw the other day? That person could be fighting a battle that you can't see behind the scenes.
Depression is not something you can just turn on or off with the flick of a switch. It’s not a choice. You can’t choose whether or not you feel depressed. It’s a mental illness, caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. What’s next? Are you going to tell a cancer patient to “Get better?” It’s not that simple. It takes time and energy. If you wouldn’t say that to a cancer patient, whose body is ill, why say that to someone who’s brain is ill?
“Life isn’t fair. Deal with it.”
That it does, but for people struggling with depression, this is no easy task. For me, it was hard to even get out of bed some days, and for some, this is everyday. A depressed person already feels weak and alone, and this patronizing statement can cause them to withdraw themselves even more. That’s the last thing you want to happen, because when a depressed person feels entirely alone, the mind can do some crazy things.
Also, don’t tell them to just "deal with it". Attempting to just "deal with it" or to "suck it up" can be very harmful. You’re implying that depression is a feeling. Depression is different than sadness, it doesn’t just come and go. It lingers.
“You’re really bringing me down.”
We don’t mean to make you feel this way, but is this supposed to help? It doesn’t. It makes us feel worse. When you say this, it’s like you’re guilt tripping us into hiding our feelings so we don't drag you down. Again, this is another reason why many depressed individuals refuse to come forward. They feel like a burden to others and don’t want to annoy them with their struggles. Instead of dismissing us when we finally come forward and tell you what’s the matter, the least you can do is show that you care. It makes us feel more crummy when you say this...
...Like we're bothering you, or that we're an inconvenience. That's the last thing that we want to feel like to people we care about.
“It will pass.”
It doesn’t just go away overnight, or like the rain being replaced by sunshine. Being depressed is not the same as feeling sad. It’s not a temporary state of mind, and it’s very difficult to “shake off”.
Also, saying this is dismissing their problems as being insignificant or undeserving of treatment. Basically, you're encouraging them to ignore their issues and to let them eat away at their quality of life. What you should be saying is "Get help".
“It’s a choice. You’re choosing to feel this way.”
This is the worst one of all. Repeat after me: IT IS NOT A CHOICE. If I could, I would wake up tomorrow and put on a smile and be truly content with myself. I do not choose to feel crummy nearly every single day. We do not choose to be stigmatized and pushed aside because we're "negative people". I, or anybody else, do not choose to be afflicted with mental illness.
...But it's all too common to hear depression dismissed as someone's failure to just suck it up and to stop moping because almost nobody has it easy. "I mean, we all have problems!" Sigh. The point is that depression isn't a figment of the sufferer's imagination. It's not "all in their head". It's an illness caused by a combination of chemical imbalances and flawed mood regulators in the brain, which is hardly within anyone's control.
If you, or someone you know is one of the millions struggling with depression, remember these four words: You are not alone.
Millions of people everyday suffer in silence. They don't let anyone know they are like this because they are scared of what people may do or how they'll react. It shouldn't be this way.
So now you know what not to say. What should you say then? Offer your support, your comfort. You let them know that they really aren't alone. That's what most of us want the most, for someone to let us know that they care. If you notice someone who is off, ask them if they are okay. It can make their entire day just to hear that.
Most importantly, encourage them to get help. There are many resources online that are willing to listen such as Your Life Your Voice and The Crisis Hotline. Also, you can find a therapist. Therapy is a good way to recover. Or even a doctor, a doctor can diagnose you and provide you with the proper treatment.
Check out my two takes for more information if you're stuck on how to deal with this:
How to Treat a Depression Person: What to Do and What Not to Do
Get help. Don't give up, and remember that there is always hope.
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