Wtf is up with shallow guys

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry I am basically venting. Long story short, I use to be extremely over weight. I'm basically extremely skinny now I weigh 130 at 5'9. I use to weigh 285. Soo, the guys I date didn't know me when I was over weight. So I ask them after about 2 weeks the simple question of "if I gained a lot of weight" would you still be with me? And when they say no I leave them because I see it as extremely shallow since I have been there. Especially when all that matters to me is personality and the only reason I got in shape was because my family has bad past history with health so I started getting in shape and eating right. I'm just pissed guys can't like girls for their personality, I leave them over this sh*t. Forever single... sorry about the venting guys

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+1 y

i don't like sex, I don't care if a guy finds me sexual, this is why I only like it based on personality.

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+1 y

Also, how can one want a girl in shape. I get it I know I'm in shape now, but being over weight is one of 3 reasons


1, your lifestyle, the way you eat, exercise etc.


2. its mental in the brain just thinking bout being over weight some people settle in it


3. Its genetic


wow I feel so bad for some people that is genetic and men are so shallow, I haven't met any shallow girls I probably don't hang out with girls like that

[Anonymous]

It’s your right not to be in a relationship, of course. But I do think you’re being unfair and self-sabotaging. You didn’t even ask “what if I gained a little weight”. You asked “what if I gained a lot of weight”. Most guys aren’t attracted to overweight girls or are at least less attracted than they are to normal-weight girls. People are entitled to their preferences.

As you say, being overweight isn’t just a cosmetic issue, it’s a health issue. I don’t find overweight girls attractive anyway. But in any case I wouldn’t want to encourage anyone to be overweight, which is what I’d be doing if I dated an overweight girl. When you date someone, you’re saying I approve of you, keep doing what you’re doing, etc.

In effect, you’re saying you’d want a guy who doesn’t see your physical body as sexual and who doesn’t appreciate the effort you’ve put in to keep yourself in shape. Weight is of course also a reflection of personality. Or you’re asking for a fat fetishist, who of course would be just as shallow as, if not shallower than, those guys you’ve rejected. I don’t think you really mean that you’d want a boyfriend who is like either of those hypotheticals.

Love yourself for the virtues that you’ve cultivated that have made you strong enough as a personality to make yourself healthy. I think part of you is still in denial that you ever needed to change in the first place.

[Asker]

sometimes being over weight is genetic and I feel bad for people like that, when a**holes are shallow.

[Opinion Owner]

Well, of course, some people have to ty harder than others in some areas of their life. I sympathize.

[kheserthorpe]

Personality matters, but it is not -all- that matters. Not to me, and I sure as hell hope not to my partner.

A relationship should be based on emotional intellectual and physical attraction. That doesn't mean perfect but it means there's a connection on all three levels. That's what makes a monogamous relationship different from friendship or how we feel about other relationships.

You can call that shallow if you want, but it's not. A relationship that is single faceted is more shallow in my mind, no matter what that facet is.

Of course most of us are brought up being told that looks don't matter and personality is all that matters.

That's because out elders pass along age old brainwashing to discourage mate selection based on actual desire, avoid sex outsode marriage and instead to choose an effective asset. I would not assume the goal of that is to make us happy.

[Asker]

i do avoid sex before marriage.. because I don't go based on looks

[kheserthorpe]

What about after marriage? You are supposed to find your husband attractive! And vice versa.

[Asker]

there is no need to, because the only reason you should be having sex anyways is to have kids not any other reason

[kheserthorpe]

Well this explains why you find most guys (and you'd find most girls) shallow.

They view sexual attraction as an important in a relationship, and do not want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same.

You don't avoid sex because you don't care about looks. You don't care about looks because you don't care about sex. That means you are looking for a monogamous friend. Most people are willing to have fat friends too.

[Asker]

sh*t shouldn't people be monogamous?! You shouldn't be sleeping around and NO I don't want a friend I want someone to settle down with and have a marriage with

[kheserthorpe]

I have no view on whether people should or shouldn't be monogamous. Personally, I've only had sex with one woman - my wife, though before we were married. I'd fooled around with others.

But a monogamous relationship means a hell of a lot more then just not sleeping with other people.

It means joyfully wanting to meet your partners sexual needs, and taking happiness in being the one to do so.

[Asker]

yeah I'm far from wanting to please someone else

[kheserthorpe]

Then why would you not be happy being single?

[Anonymous]

Not all guys are like this. It seems like you've been choosing the wrong ones. You're pretty much correct about them being shallow, but they're also very immature. As we get older, some people realize that gaining weight will happen (except for maybe health nuts), it's very natural in most relationships that I have seen. I've gained 25 lbs since getting into a relationship with my boyfriend and he has gained some too, so we both try to be each others support system when trying to lose weight. I think that's the attitude your significant other should have towards the possibility of you gaining weight. On the other hand, you have to ask yourself "why would I gain a lot of weight?" You cannot be so point blank about it. You have to consider what is going through their minds when they reply with a no. No guy will want a girl who stops caring about herself, not just physically, but also mentally. Gaining a lot of weight for no apparent reason just seems far fetched, so they must think that you either chose to let yourself go or there's something mentally wrong with you. You have to admit that putting on a few "happiness" lbs may not be so bad, but gaining a huge amount of weight is overall negative for your health anyway, so why even worry about it? Why go there?

[Asker]

idk, I gain weight so crazy easily it just gets me in a funk. When I was little, my dad (he doesn't live with us anymore). use to force me to sit at the dinner table until I ate every last bite of my food and it was an unreasonable amount for a child my age, that's when I started getting fat and then depression kicked in and it just got worst, I would stop gaining weight when I was happy, by friends and boyfriend or whatever, but I have been through a lot of sh*t and its like I have a chip

[Asker]

on my shoulder because of all of this, and I mainly blame my father because the reason I fell in to depression was being fat and he's the one that forced me. I just live with my mom now, who expects me to get my food on my own, I'm old enough and have a full time job so I can manage it I just hate my past and its like it won't leave. sorry I'm sorry for all this

[Opinion Owner]

Well I think you're very lucky that you lose weight when you are happiest, I am the opposite. It's not good for you to be upset or depressed anyway, so to me it sounds like the best medicine for you is to find things and do things that make you happy.It's like a win -win situation.Try to dig yourself out of all these negative thoughts and feelings and make your way to a more positive state. I know it's hard, but such is life and it happens to everyone so you're not alone.

[Asker]

yeah it is hard :/ because I hate my full time job, luckily my co workers know how to make me laugh but me and my boss have a horrible throat cutting relationship. and I go to college full time I don't have time for anything else, but yeah I guess ill try idk

[Opinion Owner]

I understand somewhat. My dad is still here but he has no job and is pretty much mooching off my mom. He isn't close to me at all, always complains about everything and demands respect despite the fact that he has done nothing to support me in any way. I got a job at 16 and my parents wanted me to help with bills, on top of this I too had to feed myself, clothe myself, provide education for myself, etc. I blamed my parents for my life being such a failure, not being able to achieve my dreams...

[Opinion Owner]

Luckily I had my sisters for moral support, but eventually I grew tired of our pity party. I got angry and said I need to stop blaming other people and do something about it. I know it's really hard but I managed. My boyfriend has been my lifesaver pretty much because he has taught me more in our year and a half together than my parents have in a long time. I still blame them a lot of times but my motivation now is preventing this cycle from happening if and when I have my children.

[Asker]

awwee that's so sweet and yeah I feel like I have no one I don't talk to my mom about anything and I'm an only child :/ but I understand what you are saying

[PoeticNinja]

Well, most guys like when a girl looks fit and healthy.

I mean, some wouldn't mind if she gained weight but would prefer her working off the pounds sooner or later.

I have listen to guys complain and/or leave because their girlfriends don't put in effort like they do.

Would you rather have them lie?

Your appearance is what that's going to attract them in the first place. Then your personality goes on from there. If he leaves, if you gained weight then ya'll weren't meant to be together.

My boyfriend doesn't want me gaining or losing any weight. And he has said to me before he'd rather choose a girl who is chubby over a girl who is already in shape as long as she puts in a lot of effort to lose weight. (That is assuming the chubby one personality is better than the one who is fit).

[Asker]

i see most as just shallow f***ing a**holes, because they are. Honestly, I have had the most amazing boyfriends when I was over weight now I just get nothing but pieces of shallow sh*t, its like a completely different world for some reason! And your boyfriend sounds very sweet compared to the losers I date

[MrNameless]

Girls are just as shallow these days with looks also, QA.

[bwrd830]

I'm sure you get upset by your past but in all honesty your the one being shallow. A lot of people like you for who you are, don't try to instigate them by saying "would you still love me if I was crippled or in serious health". It's not guys being shallow it's human nature. In all honesty the guys who originally found you attractive may not have felt the same if they met you back then. Life isn't fair, not everyone is given the opportunities to become pretty or attractive. There are people born with deformities that no one would ever date, does that make everyone shallow who don't want to date them? Don't try to put guys in a position in which you know the outcome, just be yourself and see if they really like you for who you are as you are, not as you were.

[Asker]

if someone was in serve health id still love them...

[bwrd830]

I don't think you would be in love with them though. There's a big difference between unconditional love and having a boyfriend. The way you put yourself out on the table like you two were going to spend the rest of your lives together is not what you do when you date a guy or girl. Just enjoy your relationship and let them love you for who you are is all I'm sayin.

[Asker]

I won't date someone I couldn't see myself possibly spending forever with. Yes, I say POSSIBLY. If I know for a fact that I could never spend forever with them I would not even date them

[bwrd830]

By the way, don't call guys shallow cause a lot aren't. I'm not a shallow person and I'm a guy. Just cause my interest level isn't in overweight women does not make me shallow. People have different beliefs and lifestyles that you have to accept, it doesn't make them right or wrong it's who they decide to be. I wouldn't date an overweight girl but I sure as hell would never treat her different for being overweight. Since you seem to be so unshallow, why don't you date guys who others wouldn't?

[Asker]

when did I say I wouldnt?

[bwrd830]

You didn't but you said the guys you've seen have been shallow. Try being with someone with low standards and low self esteem if you wanna find the right guy for you. They'd be grateful you even talked to them let alone care what you look like. All I'm trying to say is everyone, whether they like it or not is considered shallow. We all have things we don't like about people. Technically you were being shallow by playing around with these guys and judging them for the kind of person they like.

[Asker]

it wasn't shallow, it was a question for them. They can't accept my past and future then they shouldn't have the good and bad of me.

[bwrd830]

Idk, if your going to continue that question I reccomend not leading boys on first. Make that your first question before any flirting or possible relationships. I don't know why this bothers you so much but if it does just don't bring other guys into your drama. Let them know how you feel about things like that beforehand and above all stop trying to think every guy is shallow. I've meet a lot of actual shallow people and there's a big difference between those you think they are and those who are

[Asker]

then there must be shallow and extremely shallow

[bwrd830]

Yeah. I'm not trying to bash you down I'm just trying to help you understand that there is loyal people out there and it's not easy to find ones whom fit your standards. It's not that there is a lack of loyal nice guys, it's just they don't present themselves as much, you kinda have to dig and find out. :)

[Anonymous]

Call me shallow but I will not date an overweight girl. I have tried it and I know from experience that I am not happy with someone who is overweight. The number one reason I don't reply to girls who message my dating profile is that they are overweight.

Personality is definitely important but I find that physical appearance and personality go hand in hand. A physically good looking woman who goes around "bragging" that she can get any guy she wants is just as unattractive to people as an overweight girl begging to be loved.

People cannot help what they are attracted to.

[beastman88]

i used to be fat, I don't want to be with a whale. call me shallow but its my preference. a little chub is alright but if you're obese/morbidly obese ill assume you just don't care about yourself or your looks or life in general. I see those people as people that have just given up. I want somebody like me, always trying to improve, proactive. I want my kids to be like me/us. I don't want my kids growing up and adopting lazy terrible habits.

[Asker]

sooo my question to you since you are like that what if she is over weight and in the term of improving herself, she is still a whale? By the way whales can't live on land I'm just saying they need water to live. You use to be over weight, nobody called you a whale did they? No, because its being disrespectful. but OK, another male that doesn't see past the outer layer. That's why I can't date people that don't seem to accept my past and what I am now

[beastman88]

i was teased all the time growing up about my weight/body until I grew a pair and got self esteem/confidence. I was too skinny/fat/muscular, I've experienced all sides of the spectrum. if it werent for the people that teased me I wouldn't be as strong as iam now. if I knew she was trying to lose weight id give her a chance. my ex was heavier than me at my heaviest but she didn't do anything to try an change, so we ended up splitting.

[beastman88]

the only way it'd be acceptable for the girl iam dating to gain weight is if she's pregnant, then has the child an gets back into shape

[jmr2191]

Immediately a sign of severe insecurity which could result in cling knees so its a strong turn-off for many guys.

[Anonymous]

It's not guys are shallow. They want a woman who resembles health and fertility that's why we all prefer to have a woman who's on good shape and is attractive.