I had the chance to see many questions, myTakes and opnions about overweight people, fat shaming and all that jazz.
Now I have been overweight my whole life, all I wanted was to be normal but being the fat kid in elementry school means you get bullied everyday, I did not have what was known as a happy childhood. In middle school I was invisiable, like a walking ghost but it was fine. I focused on school and things were okay. Then there was highschool. For the first time in my life I had friends. They were three girls I connected with, the three of us became close, tow were beautiful and slim, the third was cute and average (not thin but not fat). After highschool we all went to diffrent places, I started collage.
The first term was hard and sadly I gained something like 20lbs, after years of refusing to look to at the scale I did it.
I was shocked and ashamed. Only couple of lbs away from the 220. (5'5)
That was the moment that had changed my life, after losing the first 20 lbs I met him. He was my first love, at first things seemed good. He seemed to be the one, the one that would love me regardless of my weight.
That however, was not what really happned.
During our few months together all he would do is to remind me how much of a pathetic loser I was, how I was supposed to thank god that he (my ex) even agreed to be with someone like me. That I am lucky that he loves me.
Like an idiot I belived his lies, who would want a fat chick?
During our short relationship I lost something like 5lbs, I was proud of myself for making a progress but he would say that I might have lost weight but its not enough. He would also degrade me for my skin (used to have acne due to stress and sorrow)
One day I had sobered up and left him.
Since that I had lost 15lbs more (now I am in the 180 area), for the first time in years my skin got smooth. My acne was gone! The gym became a huge part of my life and I work out very often.
And then, just when I left the the gym after a long cycling workout (spin class) I understood something.
I am beautiful.
I have amazing doll-like smooth face, large perky bust and good proportions. Yes I need to lose more weight and I am working towards my goals but that takes time. I should celebrate what I have achived all while keep working towards my goals.
Then I got home and understood another thing. It worthes nothing. I dont have the confidance and most likely never will have. All thanks to my rude family, guys like my ex, the stupid soceity that I am stuck in and of course our internet trolls that claim that a woman is beautiful only if she underweight which I will never be since I want to be in a healthy normal weight.
So how do people do that? How they fall in love with themselves? How they overcome what makes them inscure?
I know how irational it is, objectively I know that I have never been as beautiful as I am now and I get more attractive everyday but all I can see is someone that will end up alone since she will never be a size 0
*I do want to clearify that I do not support skinny shaming at all so I will never shame my skinny friend to improve my self esteem*